Mai to the Extreme

Running to Catch the Last January Bus!

2012-01-31T22:39:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

A thousand apologies! I have not, in any way, managed to get my act together and develop all the deep-as-the-ocean thoughts I've been having over these past months. In fact, I have this epic post about shaytaan's sneaky plans which I've added to here and there, but still cannot wrap it up and present it to you all. Perhaps a big dua' is in order for me to really put things together and make a decent contribution in February...which is just a matter of hours away.

Anyway, what I read this past couple of months was notable in that it is a subject we don't think about too much. It also was a verification of several points I've firmly believed, advocated for, and adhered to over the years. The book is called, "Waswasah, The Whispering of the Shaitan." and it is excellent preparation for my upcoming post, bi ithn Illah ta'ala, on shaytaan's sneaky plans. If you scroll down to the bottom of this page you will find the book available for download.

If your really in a reading mood, I highly recommend the book Patience and Gratitude on that same page. I'm working my way through all the books and, as always, benefiting immensely, mashaa'Allah.

Goodbye January...and to all who have asked me why I haven't updated this blog, sorry for the no-show!

Quieter and Quieter

2011-11-10T19:13:00.001+03:00

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

It is reported that the wife of Imâm Sa’îd b. Al-Musayyib – Allâh have mercy on him – said:
We only ever used to speak to our husbands like you address your commanders and leaders: [we would supplicate for them when talking to them] “May Allâh keep you right!”, “May Allâh keep you well!”
Abû Nu’aym, Hilyatu Al-Awliyâ` 5:198.

Subhaan Allah...this post is to mark progress in my development and give many of you hope. I am, by nature, a communicator and a sincere, caring advisor. In other words, I usually have something to say about other people's ideas, situations, and plans when they are presented to me. However, it hasn't always elicited a positive reaction, especially when I was not in agreement or felt strongly about it from an Islamic perspective.

For most of my life, I have suppressed negative feelings until they had built up so much that my whole demeanor changed. I could not go about my daily life without the negative feelings dominating my thoughts, attitude, and reactions. Most usually, I would end up blurting out my "issues" in a way that was neither well-planned or well-presented.

Well, that has changed all thanks and praise be to Allah, subhaana wa taala. These past few months, whenever I have negative feelings, I literally bite my tongue (gently...no self-abuse syndrome, LOL). My husband and I cannot help but laugh when I do it, mashaa'Allah. I purposely press my lips together. When specifically asked to speak, I really take my time and strive to relay basic facts or events from my own perspective, and/or objectively, rather than comment on others.

Then I read this:

It is reported that the wife of Imam Sa'id B. Al-Musayyib - Allah have mercy on him - said:

We only ever used to speak to our husbands like you address your commanders and leaders: [we would supplicate for them when talking to them] "May Allah keep you right!", "May Allah keep you well!"
From the Manners of a Wife with her Husband
It is reported that the wife of Imâm Sa’îd b. Al-Musayyib – Allâh have mercy on him – said:
We only ever used to speak to our husbands like you address your commanders and leaders: [we would supplicate for them when talking to them] “May Allâh keep you right!”, “May Allâh keep you well!”
Abû Nu’aym, Hilyatu Al-Awliyâ` 5:198.
After the death of his wife Umm Sâlih, Imâm Ahmad – Allâh have mercy on them, used to praise her. He once said:
In the thirty years she was with me, we never had a single word of disagreement.
Al-Khatîb Al-Baghdâdî, Târîkh Baghdâd 16:626.
It is reported that the wife of Imâm Sa’îd b. Al-Musayyib – Allâh have mercy on him – said:
We only ever used to speak to our husbands like you address your commanders and leaders: [we would supplicate for them when talking to them] “May Allâh keep you right!”, “May Allâh keep you well!”
Abû Nu’aym, Hilyatu Al-Awliyâ` 5:198.

Abu Nua'ym, Hilyatu al-Awliya 5:198

It is reported that the wife of Imâm Sa’îd b. Al-Musayyib – Allâh have mercy on him – said:
We only ever used to speak to our husbands like you address your commanders and leaders: [we would supplicate for them when talking to them] “May Allâh keep you right!”, “May Allâh keep you well!”
Abû Nu’aym, Hilyatu Al-Awliyâ` 5:198.

After the death of his wife, Umm Salih, Imam Ahmad - Allah have mercy on them - used to praise her. He once said:

In the thirty years she was with me, we never had a single word of disagreement.

Al-Khatib Al-Baghdadi, Tarikh Baghdad 6:626

Increasingly I avoid saying, "I told you so," or mention that I had advised against something that ended up going wrong. I don't even speak out about the things I disagree with anymore. I stay quiet and then I say, "May Allah keep you well! May Allah keep you right!" My husband and I literally laugh out loud, mashaa'Allah.

Now you all may be wondering what the result of all this has been so far. Those things I have managed to hold my tongue about, which were communicated to Allah for help and resolution, are coming to light, being examined, and being resolved, mashaa'Allah. I didn't speak about them, except to the One ("You alone I turn to and You alone I ask for help" - Surah al Fatiha, ayah 4).

Some things take time, but when you see Allah take over your affairs and rectify them without you speaking a single word about them to others, it is a great incentive to get quieter and quieter.

From the Manners of a Wife with her Husband

If silence is golden, then dua' must be platinum...

because it gets you through all those times you are silent.

The Addition Rule

2011-11-02T15:06:00.001+03:00

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Most of us know, not just adults but children as well, that it really doesn't matter what someone says if their actions contradict it. After all, if someone tells you that you are highly valued and precious to them but then takes advantage of you, doesn't fulfill their promises and commitments to you and yet bends over backwards to lavish favors and things on others, will you believe them?

I call it the addition rule: everything should add up. One plus one should equal two.

i.e.: I say something (1), + my actions back it up (1), then it is, bi ithn Illah, true (=2).

Similarly, if a brother or a sister says they are practicing Islam and fear Allah, and yet aren't praying or following Allah's guidance and examples, will you believe them? Practicing islam and taqwa (1) + no prayers or practice (-1) = 0 on the truth scale.

There is so much value in being true to others, but we cannot be true to others unless we are true to ourselves. You may think that you can hide the truth from others, but Allah may expose what you thought would never come to light. Don't take that chance. Don't be a liar to yourself, because in turn you will be a liar to others, and worse of all, you will be a liar in the Eyes of Allah.

Dunya Check

2011-11-02T15:00:00.002+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

We can find excellent and detailed reading material on not giving importance to material things and avoiding pride, arrogance, and showing off, mashaa'Allah. However, I think we can all benefit from a daily dunya check.

Ask yourself why you are doing whatever you do.

Why did you choose those particular clothes and accessories?
Why are you buying whatever you plan to buy?
Why are you giving or taking that thing?
Why do you have each and every one of your possessions?

Think about it honestly. What influences your decision to do the things you do? Is it for the pleasure of, and obedience to, Allah? Or is it to present yourself in the best light and get others' approval or compliments? Is it to fulfill a life necessity? Or is it to add to the collection of things you want or like? Does everything you own have a genuinely beneficial purpose? Or is there a trace of competition in you, to in some way be better than, or outdo, others?

I'll pop an extreme (LOL) example in here now. I have some jewelry, mashaa'Allah. While it is all simple in design, it has notable value, mashaa'Allah. However, I very, very, rarely wear any of it. The only thing I do wear are earrings (so my holes don't close up), which I change from time to time so my husband sees something different, and a watch.

You might think that I wear the jewellery when I go out to gatherings, but most especially I never wear it then. Why? Because I do not want to show off. I don't want to draw attention to my possessions. I don't want some sister, who may not have such jewelry, to feel jealousy or instill a desire for such material things in her. For me, such things are pure dunya. To be honest, I don't even see any reason to adorn myself in such a way for other women; such adornment is reserved for my husband.You might wonder why I even keep the jewelry, but it is for my children to inherit on my death. Allah only knows what they may need in the future, and it is their right.

I have things of good enough quality that they are beneficial to my well-being and health, but not so good that they are extravagant, inshaa'Allah. Believe me, I've been down the extravagant and wasteful road and I pray I see the road signs and never go down that road again, wa audhu b'Illahi min as-shaytaan ir-rajeem!

I know that often we don't like to ask ourselves questions that we don't have good, or the right answers, for. However, those are exactly the questions we have to keep asking ourselves if we are to correct ourselves and improve.

People don't know your worth - only Allah does.

Strive to increase in value every day - just for Him.

Uh-oh, Missed October...November 2011

2011-11-02T14:52:00.002+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Please accept my apologies for not posting in October. I had various ideas that needed to be developed, but I focused my time and efforts on other more immediate things. Even now, I only have two posts this month because that is all I could develop well enough to be worthwhile. I won't write posts to pass (waste) your time or just to have some new words up on the screen. I write when there is something worth writing, bi ithn Illah.

My Cyberfocus:

www.80percentwords.com

Dhul Hijjah:

We are in these most revered 10 days of Dhul Hijjah. If you are able to perform Hajj, go. If you are able to fast, fast, If you are able to give sadaqah, give. If you are able to pray more, pray. If you are able to speak, recite Qur'an and adhkaar of Allah. If you are only able to think, remember and beg of Allah. When Allah gives you days where there is no loss, only rich benefit from any good, take them! Don't waste your time, when so much opportunity is open to you every second of these precious days. That one utterance of al hamdul'Illah may tip your scales to the right hand side or elevate you one rank in Jennah!

May Yawm al Arafat be a merciful erasing of sins for you all , and on the upcoming occasion of Eid Al Adha 1432 -

Taqabbal Allah minna wa minkum!

To the Hurt, the Heartbroken

2011-09-28T17:58:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Sometimes it is very hard to see clearly when you are hurt or heartbroken by someone. To be honest, only Allah knows the complete situation from both sides and if their treatment or behaviour is wrong.However, when you are hurt, think about what will heal the hurt. Think about how things could be set right and what it would need from the person/people who hurt you. Then make dua...for them.

Never forget that the dua' of the oppressed has no shield between the person and Allah. Ask Allah to guide them to be better, closer to the manners and ways of the Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa salaam. Ask Allah to make clear to them what He Loves and what He Hates and guide them to all that He Loves. Ask Allah to show them the errors of their ways and correct them. Ask Allah to put love, for His Sake, between you and them. Ask Allah to increase their taqwa and emaan and make them an excellent servant of Allah. Seek protection from the fitna of them and the situation for yourself and your family. Then pray for all of those things for yourself as well and for anyone else involved. If everyone pleases Allah, then hearts will heal and success will follow.

This isn't Islam at a basic level, this is Islam at its finest. This is praying for the one(s) who hurt you to become among Allah's best and most beloved servants. Of course, it is up to Allah to guide them or not, but you get even greater than what you wish for others and if they are guided they will see the truth of their behavior and mend the relationship with you, inshaa'Allah.

If you wonder whether I have done this, I can say that I most certainly have and continue to do it, even when my heart is virtually in pieces from the behavior towards me. Al hamdul'Illah, it has never caused me loss. I have faced, and do face, many deep hurts and heartbreaks from people, but I know that the only way to make things better and heal my own heart is for them to get better. May Allah help and guide us all - ameen.

My Glass

2011-09-28T17:58:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

It is difficult to focus our minds on what we have, rather than what we don't. It is a fight, and many of us struggle to see the glass half full, instead of half empty.

Recently I was provoked to consider that I didn't have visitors upon the birth of either of my daughters or after a surgery that had me in a real mess for a couple of weeks. I've never had anyone cook something, come to help out, etc. I believe that one or two kind souls did offer, but it certainly wasn't part of a community effort of sisterhood. What's important about that? Well, I don't ever plan to think about it in that negative way again, inshaa'Allah, because I never think of it like that.

I think of the fact that I had my babies, my surgery, and got through whatever other hardships that came along in exactly the way Allah Willed. I think of how Allah has blessed and guided my life so perfectly, with unrivaled love and attention. In fact, it has never crossed my mind that my glass was half full, either. I have every ounce of what I need, perfectly planned, designed, and distributed by Allah, subhaana wa taala, for every second of my life. So no, my glass is not half empty or even half full; my glass is full - full to the brim! All thanks and praise to Allah, the Perfect Provider of all needs!

Survival of the Fittest

2011-09-28T17:57:00.002+03:00

As salaamu alaikum wa RahmatAllah wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah! I was thinking about being able to live off the land, being ableto survive if left with nothing but nature surrounding you. It kept coming backto me that the people who are farming, building natural homes, and makingeverything for themselves are mainly not Muslim. They are, however, earth-conscious,far-seeing people who understand what they need to do to survivewhen all else may be lost. It was our tradition, it is the Sunnah, but many ofus are so far away from that lifestyle now.

Allah perfected our religion - Islam - for us. Our children are thefuture of this beautiful religion. Are we to die out due to lack of survivalskills, simply because dunya has pulled us so far away from the simple,self-sustaining life modeled in the Sunnah? In the event of necessity, will weor our children be at the mercy of non-Muslims or have to compromise our beliefs to get food and shelter? We need to learn survival skills ourselves! Weshould be able to slaughter - all the family members, not just the men. We should beable to grow our own food. We should be able to build a house, and teach ourchildren so they will not be forced to compromise their Islam to work for themoney to buy one. We should be able to tend to animals, cook from scratch, sewbasic garments, and live a good life from what Allah has put on this earth,inshaa'Allah.

Does this mean we all have to be farmers? No. Everyone in the time of theProphet, peace be upon him, wasn't a farmer. People had different skills andworked together. The ironsmith, the carpenter, the merchant, the farmer allbartered and exchanged goods and services. The person who doesn't want to farm,offers another beneficial skill to the community. But everyone should have somebasic knowledge of how to provide for themselves.

Envisage this: Enough land to build a home from the natural resourcesavailable, grow food, raise animals for eggs, milk, meat, etc. Like-minded families can build homes there,and share skills and know-how inshaa Allah. A central masjid will be the hub ofthe community, with delegated teachers for the children inshaa Allah. As far aspossible, a self-contained community with solar/wind powered energyso there will be no reliance on utility companies and no monthly utility bills.The sale of excess crops, handiwork, etc. would provide enough income to payfor necessities from outside, inshaa Allah. This is truly sticking together andtaking ourselves away in times of fitnah.

How better to build up our ties of brotherhood/sisterhood and live like theSahabah (may Allah be pleased with them)? When I see all the community sharedfarms these days, I think of how much we could do as Muslims and have amplefood. Not only that, we would finally get away from the burden of consumerismthat we will have such a hard time answering Allah subhaana wa taala, aboutwhen we are questioned.
Whatever step wetake to self-sufficiency will insha'Allah benefit us and the generations tocome. We can pass the knowledge on and leave a legacy, bi ithn Allah.

When it boils down to survival of the fittest, where will the Muslims be?

Who are you "hanging" with?

2011-09-28T17:57:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) said: “A man is upon the deen of his khaleel (friend), so each one of you should look to see whom he takes as a khaleel (friend).” (Abu Dawood 13/179, at-Tirmidhee 4/589; Ahmad 2/303; al-Haakim 4/171)

Aboo Sulayman al-Khattaabee said: “His saying, ‘A man is upon the deen of his khaleel means: do not take as an intimate companion anyone other than one whose deen and trustworthiness you are pleased with, because when you do take one as an intimate companion, he will lead you to his deen and way. Do not endanger your deen or take a risk with your soul by taking as an intimate companion one whose deen and way is not pleasing.”

Al-‘Amash related: “They (i.e., the Salaf) did not ask about a person after (having ascertained) three (things): whom he used to walk with, whom he used to enter with and whom his acquaintances were among the people.”

Sufyaan Ath-Thawree said: “There is nothing more influential upon the corruption or rectification of an individual than a companion.”

Qataadah said: Indeed, By Allaah, we have not witnessed a person accompany except one who is like him and of his own manner, so accompany the righteous from the slaves of Allah, you may then be with them or like them.”

Al-Fudayl said: “It is not for the believer to sit with anyone he desires…”

(Taken from The Causes behind the Increase and Decreases in Eemaan by Abdur-Razzaaq al-Abaad)

Do not imagine that it will be a one-way street and that your companions are just a reflection of you, but know that you are also a reflection of them. We must never think we are immune to the negative side of our close friends. If the reflection you see in the mirror (the influence of your close friends on you) is not pleasing to Allah, then rethink your companions.

Imagine being on the edge of a chasm with painful death and torture below. Would you willingly choose to stand there teetering on the edge, or would you prefer to stand in the midst of a cool green meadow with nothing but wild flowers and the occasional cowpie/cow pattie to watch for. That is the difference between taking bad companions or good ones.

I used this hadith in my old post, Mixing for the Good, but this subject keeps coming back to me. Don't underestimate the importance of this statement...not for yourself or the members of your family.

Ahmad ibn Harb (rahimahullâh) said, “There is nothing more beneficial to a Muslim’s heart than to mix with the righteous and to watch their actions, while nothing is more harmful to the heart than mixing with the sinners and watching their actions."

The Beauty of "Because I said so."

2011-09-28T17:55:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I thought about how parents sometimes tell their children when questioned about some instruction, "Because I said so." This is not necessarily, as modern psychologists might say, poor communication.This is sometimes done as a mercy for the child, as the reasons for the adult's decision or instruction are beyond the child's thinking or comprehension. Nevertheless, they are done in the child's best interests. There must be a level of trust between the child and the parent that the parent is instructing or advising them out of deep love, caring, and responsibility. Another important aspect of, "Because I said so," is that obedience is paramount in things that do not oppose Allah's command. Children do not have to know the reason as a condition for obedience.

Sometimes, well often really LOL, people speculate that I take things very easily, mashaa'Allah. Well, I really find simplicity and ease in following Allah's command; in having things laid out for me and basically not having to make my own decision about them.

"It is not for a believer, man or woman, that they should have any option in their decision when Allah and his Messenger have decreed a matter. And whoever disobeys Allah and His Messenger has indeed strayed in a plain error." (33:36)

Things become very simple when you take that ayah seriously. Allah has given us His Book, The Quran, and the final seal of the Prophets, Muhammad - salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam - as a guide and a clear example of how to live and handle various aspects of our lives. From those little things like how to enter the bathroom to the big things, like the obligatory 5 pillars of Islam and tawheed, we have it all simply and clearly documented.

There are many things that are beyond our comprehension, the depth of which we cannot fathom, but regardless, our obedience is to Allah without question and without hesitation. The parent and the child are very similar to The Creator and the creation; but three of those elements are imperfect, and One is not. Whereas parents can make errors of judgement, Allah does not. There is no question that His instructions and decree are for our best function and end. When we simply follow His Guidance, we free our minds from the struggle of thinking for ourselves and can bask in the beauty and ease of "no decision."

September 2011

2011-09-28T17:55:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I don't know about you readers out there, but I found it a bit too much posting a whole month's worth of ideas under just one heading. It meant that I couldn't give the posts specific labels so people could find posts under a particular topic. The system is now slightly changed and I will post once a month, but the posts will be separate. You will see that there are several other posts all published on this same day...your monthly dose, LOL!

I hope this works better for you, my dear readers. I know it is better for me, as I can develop my ideas more thoroughly without worrying about making the post overly long.

I have a few small things that I will include in this post, what don't warrant a post of their own.

Random Thoughts:

Allah knows....when you brush your teeth before meeting a friend, a wife, or an evening out, but not before going to the masjid, Allah knows who you have honored and given priority to.

Dua' for exposure:

There are some situations, and some times, when we cannot accurately assess the character and geniuneness of another person. We may have a doubtful feeling about them, but we just cannot put our finger on it. Allah is, as always, the answer. Ask Him to show you the true nature of the person. Ask him to expose to you their reality, so you may act accordingly. It is more important to know the reality of what you are dealing with, than for that reality to be good.

Hudayfah ibn al-Yaman (radhi Allahu anhu) said:

"The people used to ask the Messenger of Allah (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) about good things, whereas I used to ask him about evil things fearing that they befall me." (Bukhari & Muslim)

My Cyber-focus:

A Sunnah a Day
Understand Quran Academy Basic Course
Green Zabiha
Sacred Hadith

May Allah guide us all to what pleases Him, bless us with benefit from all the good herein, and protect us from any harm - ameen.

August 2011

2011-08-24T22:55:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Here we all are, in the last few days of Ramadhan. The third for Mercy is finished, the third for forgiveness has passed, and the erasing of sins is passing through like a steam train. The final night of Ramadhan and it's promise of forgiveness lies ahead, like a gleaming, precious prize within sight. Turn to Allah in sincerity. Turn to Allah with your heart open. Turn to Allah with every ounce of regret and repentance you have. Turn to Allah with desperation and need. Turn to Allah with total reliance and love. Turn to Allah with heart-wrenching tears. Remember, you do little things for Him, but He does everything for you.

Carpe Diem

As this Ramadhan has progressed, the children and I have been almost exclusively in the house. We have literally spent our days reading Qur'an, praying, reading the Daily Sittings, and having other little injections of 'ilm and adaab throughout the day. It has been precious.

It made me reflect on how time-sensitive Ramadhan is... and how many other things are as well. I have been considering how dangerous it is to plan for the future at the expense of the present. It is critical to consider what is important right now. What should take priority? Ask yourself, "What am I supposed to do? What is optional? What is urgent? What is necessary right now for a better later and what is necessary later for a better future?"

Of course, we must plan and look forward. However, we must attend to the present day needs, especially in the raising and educating of our children, our ibaadah, and our development in our religion. Let's not fool ourselves that if we procrastinate it is justified. Procrastination is from shaytaan. Procrastination makes us seem unreliable, inconsistent, and not true to our word. Time sensitive things should not be procrastinated about, because the chance to do them doesn't return...and we won't just be asked about what we did in this life, but also what we failed to do.

Gifts for the Giver

Gifts come in many forms, but those material gifts we receive deserve some consideration. One example came to me recently that I want to share with you all.

I don't bother using a prayer rug/mat very often. However, I have been given prayer mats over the years and I have them distributed between the United States, England, and Madinah. I make a point to use my prayer mats/rugs for every prayer, choosing different places to make sujood, in an attempt to eventually make sujood on every bit of the mat. They were gifts to me. so, although I would be more inclined to pray on the bare floor, I want those who gave me the gifts to reap as much reward as possible from them. It is my gift of appreciation to them and inshaa'Allah an increasing of their account in illiyeen. They gave me a gift and my gift in return is to give them as much reward for that gift as possible.

This doesn't just pertain to prayer mats, but to any and all gifts given. If I cannot use it or know I won't do it justice, I ask Allah to give them reward for it as if I used it every day and I seek someone who it will benefit so that the giver can get additional reward and the gift is put to good use. This is some food for thought, especially as Eid is approaching and some gifts may be given and received.

An Amazing Thought

For many reverts, we struggle with our parents and loved ones not accepting Islam. In addition, it is hard on a believer's heart to think of another going astray and being destined for the Fire, audhu b'Illah! Recently, I was talking to somebody who has relatives who have consistently been off-track Islamically for some time. They hurt deeply over it and it costs them time, stress, and tears.

When I thought about how people dread the idea of their loved ones entering into an eternal punishment, I realized something mind-blowing. We are told by Allah that in Jennah we will never have a bad feeling or be unhappy; it isn't possible there. We also know that when the time comes and the Horn is blown twice and our accounts are handed to us, we will be focusing only on our situation with Allah. There is no room for looking around at what's going on with any others. After that, should we be of the blessed ones who are admitted to Jennah, we will have nothing but eternal bliss. In other words, we think that it will be unbearable for us to have any loved one in the hellfire, but actually it won't have any impact on us at all. Once we get to that stage, there are no such feelings, there is no such trial for us. The idea is horrific in this life, but the reality will be nothing. Subhaan Allah! For all of you that had that figured out from day one, never mind about me...I'm a bit slow at times. LOL.

The Love of Your Life
Many times I hear from sisters about their struggles in marriage and in searching for a spouse. Women look for the man who will be their everything, and they often call their husband the love of their life. They build their lives around a man... and so Allah sends them various tests. Why? Because we are supposed to build our lives around Allah. If we please Allah, we will please those good people around us as well. If we please Allah, He will give us beautiful relationships in this dunya filled with deep love, for His sake. I've said it various times in the past, but sisters please don't pin all your hopes and dreams on any man - he is but a human being, made to err and imperfect. Pin all your hopes and dreams on Allah, subhaana wa taala, and then strive beside the man Allah has decreed for you to strive beside and be happy with His decree.

Latest Cyber Discoveries

A World of Green Muslims
www.khanacademy.org
Islam in Perspective, Arab News.
www.mini-mumin.com/ReadingRoom.html

Okay, rather than make this post any later than it already is, I'll leave it at that and hit publish.

Allah, subhaana wa taala, sends me idea after idea... revelation after revelation...concept after concept (alhamdul'Illah!) and I'm acting on them and communicating them to you. If there is any benefit from these ideas, it is ONLY attributable to Him, azza wa jal and any error is from shaytaan and my own, imperfect self. May Allah forgive me for my sins and mistakes, known and unknown. May Allah forgive us all - ameen.

July 2011

2011-07-23T23:07:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

As some of you may already know, my posting on this blog is now limited to one post per month. For that reason, I've simply put the month and year as the title. These posts may be rather long at times, because I will try to fit in a variety of topics and updates. Inshaa'Allah, it will give you all plenty to think about and work on. Considering that I have close to 200 posts already on this blog, I'm sure if you get tired of reading the monthly post you can find something else to dig up and read, if you're in need of an "extreme" fix, LOL!

Ramadhan Preparation and Plan:

Last year we spent the majority of Ramadhan in Madinah, mashaa'Allah. The beauty of that lay in us having absolutely nowhere to go during the day and sitting at home. It set the scene for a program that benefited every one of our family members. The children read the daily juz from Sahih International translation of the Quran. They also read the Daily Sittings in Ramadan by Shk. Uthaymeen. As we only have translations of the Daily Sittings up to day 26, we selected certain pertinent major sins from Adh-Dhahabi's Major Sins book, and have them read and answer questions about them for the last 4 days. My 4 year old didn't read those things, but her 7 year old sister (mashaa'Allah) read to her or told her what she had learned each day. In this way, every one of us came away with the fiqh of fasting, in depth details about Jennah and Jehennem, and read the complete Quran over the month.

After the first 10 days, the system changed a little. We started out informally asking the children during the iftar meal what they had read about and learned that day. It became obvious that some were really reading and understanding and others were not. To remedy that, I read ahead and wrote out questions for them each day. They were given the questions and had to write the answers and hand them in each day. This not only pushed them to read for understanding, but I could focus the questions on key points and areas I wanted to instill in them and teach them.

This year, we have planned to do the questions for the Quran reading and Daily Sittings from the beginning of Ramadhan. They will be different from last year's and less in number. This should remind, solidify, and build on what they learned last year, inshaa'Allah. We will also be doing three lessons/questions and answers from Shk Yahya al Hajooree's book on Aqeedah and Fiqh that was written for his children. These are the types of questions that are essential for all Muslims, but are presented in a way that is simple and the proof for each answer is something short enough to be learned and memorized. I'm hoping to learn some valuable proofs myself while teaching this to the children, inshaa'Allah.

The children, from the beginning of Rajab, are steered away from reading fiction and towards reading non-fiction and books to increase their Islamic knowledge and understanding. The bedtime stories for my girls are the Goodnight Stories from the Quran, Goodnight Stories about the Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam), and now that we have finished those, the stories for children on World of Islam Portal that are all either telling hadith or learning events in Islamic history. They are wonderful, mashaa'Allah. The children have a library of books about the Prophets (alayhum as salaam), stories from the Quran, Islam and the environment, and loads of non-fiction books such as children's encyclopedias, science books, etc. They have time on the computer, time to play, and time for games and fun...but they operate within the premise that it must be beneficial, happily mashaa'Allah.

We are all expected to continue with our Quran memorization and The Daily Account will be amended to include cards for fasting, memorization, and completing the daily questions in good time, etc. There will be a gift at the end of the month for those with an excellent Daily Account....because just as Allah rewards his obedient servants, so will we reward them inshaa'Allah, as an incentive.

Yesterday, I baked batches of ginger snaps, hazelnut shortbread crescents, and different flavored biscotti as part of my Ramadan preparation. As much as possible, I will do ahead of time what I can so my time is as free as possible for worship.

Islamic Inspiration:

If you have time, refocus and reground yourself. Read something to put you in a higher state of emaan and clear focus for the month of ibadah. The Ideal Muslimah and The Ideal Muslim are excellent all-round books that address every aspect of your being. Remind yourself of what and where you should be.

Sabr:

I'm currently learning Surah Nuh, and when I got to ayah 5 and pondered on it for a moment, I realized what it was saying...in context. Nuh cried to Allah that he had called his nation to Islam night and day. He told Allah that it did nothing but increase them in arrogance and that they covered up their ears and covered their heads with their clothing. He faced such ignorance, such extreme rejection, for so many years. And what did Allah tell him? Build an ark in the middle of the desert where there is no body of water and limited supplies of wood. Nuh's mission lasted over 900 years...and nobody gave him the time of day.

So what can we say about ourselves, when we lose heart and get impatient after just a day, a week, a month, or a year without results or success. We have no idea what true sabr is. We need to give thanks every day for Allah's incredible mercy, that He doesn't lay tests upon us that are greater than the little ones we have, and that the tests He presents us with are so short and so simple in comparison.

Miscarriage Number 10:

Over the past three years I have had a series of miscarriages...and I am currently recovering from my tenth, al hamdul'Illah. Why so many? Qadr Allah, mashaa fa'al. The only medical testing left to do is for chromosomal abnormalities; otherwise all the other tests show that there is nothing wrong with me, mashaa'Allah,

I think that Allah is ensuring I still qualify as a woman worth marrying, LOL, as He is proving at this middle stage of my life that I am perfectly fertile, mashaa'Allah. Of course, He is also giving us tests that we must respond to, react to, and formulate an attitude towards. We have been incredibly blessed with our two daughters and fully accept Allah's Decree.

The difficult part is becoming pregnant so frequently and then being in limbo between expecting the best from Allah and thinking positively, and noticing every twinge and cramp, dreading the sight of blood or not detecting a heartbeat. It is a far bigger mental and emotional test, than physical...even though it is physically painful.

The Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wasalam) said, upon him peace, "The miscarried child will pester its glorious and mighty Lord for His entering its two parents into the Fire until it is told, 'O miscarried child that pesters its Lord! Enter your father and mother into Paradise.' Then it will drag them with its umbilical cord until it makes them enter Paradise." Ibn Majah and Abu Ya`la from `Ali.

And again, "By the One in Whose hand is my soul, truly the miscarried child will certainly drag its mother with its umbilical cord to Paradise, provided one expects recompense [for sabr (patience)]." Ibn Majah and Ahmad from Mu`adh.

And he said, upon him peace: "Your little ones are the larvas (da`aamees) of Paradise. They will meet their parents and grab them by their garments or their hands to no end other than that Allah will enter them Paradise." Sahih Muslim.

Isn't that a divine reward for your heartache?

Also, the Prophet (SAW) said: "I swear that a miscarried child of mine I send forth before me is more beloved to me than [raising] a mounted knight that survives me." Ibn Majah from Abu Hurayra.

Fortitude with faith and surrender with ridaa - absolute acceptance - through losing a child, require inordinate strength of character because SABR carries huge reward and its difficulty means even more reward. "And whoever yatasabbaru (=is racked trying to endure in patience), Allah will grant them SABR, and none was ever given a greater gift than SABR." (narrated in the Five Books). Hence the magnificent, tremendous aya states {Verily the sabirun will receive a reward without measure} (39:10).

Hence Umm al-Darda' would say: "Those that gladly accept the Divine decree have a level in Paradise that the Shuhada' will envy them the Day of Resurrection."

May we be the envy of the Shuhada' - ameen!

"When Allah tests you it is never to destroy you. When He takes something out of your possession it is (only) in order to empty your hands for an even greater gift." (Ibn Al Qayyim)

Al Barakah:

After 5 years of working towards the goal of living in the Middle East with our children, we are here in Madinah al Munawarrah. After 8 years of dreaming and planning to buy land so we could have our own homestead, as of 20 July 2011, we now own 51 acres of land near Roy, New Mexico, wa al hamdul'Illah! We have somewhere to take our sheep in times of fitna, somewhere to realize our dream of Sunnah living, somewhere to plant seeds, build cob houses, raise animals, and truly know the simplicity of tawakkal (reliance on Allah) and ibadah (worship), bi ithn Illah, taala.

The objective of zuhd (asceticism) is to leave all that harms the servant's hereafter, and the objective of 'Ibâdah (worship) is to perform all that will benefit his hereafter. (Majmû 'ul-Fatâwâ, 14/458)

It is nothing less than a favor from our Lord, an amanah (trust) with us to honor and use for His worship, the implementation and propagation of the Quran and the Sunnah.. It is a huge blessing - and so it's name will be Al Barakah, inshaa'Allah.

It's all Good:

We are approaching the month of Mercy, the month of Forgiveness. Don't let it pass you by...as we don't know if we will see another Ramadhan after this one. Please don't linger on the negative, focus on the positive. See the "al hamdu l'Illah" in everything and say it for everything

"It's all about Jennah; everything else is insignificant."

Sticky Marital Stuff...When Hubby's Wrong and Trust is Gone

2011-06-05T21:53:00.000+03:00

As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

In marriage, and relationships in general, I think many of us face situations where Allah does not guide us to walk away and yet we don't know how to cope with the situation well. The woman's perspective is different than the man's, particularly because of her role within the marriage relationship. Most certainly, us wives have many faults and sins of our own. The difference is that Allah has given men authority over women, hence if the husband faces such issues with his wife, he must correct them. But what about the times when our husbands give in to shaytaan's whispers? This may be in various forms, such as:

- doing something that is, at best, doubtful Islamically
- doing acts hated by Allah,
- being disobedient to Allah, or
- falling into major sin.

Many sisters struggle with their emotions and how to cope with a husband (or anyone close to to them) whose errors, makrooh actions, or sins affect them deeply.

In these cases I have to separate myself. In a nutshell, the part of me that loves a person truly for the sake of Allah, and is torn apart when they do wrong, becomes desensitized over time. A protective coating has built up over my heart and with every sin, the coating becomes thicker. A little of the love and respect may be diminished and it is replaced with hatred for the despised action(s) and an aversion to the person when they commit those deeds. It often leaves me dreading any repeat offenses. This is particularly difficult when the person involved is your husband.

It is reported that Sufyân Al-Thawrî – Allâh have mercy on him – said:

If you loved a man for Allâh and then he innovates in Islâm and you don’t hate him for it, you never [truly] loved him for Allâh.
Abû Nu’aym, Hilyatu Al-Awliyâ` 7:34.

I remember the words of Allah in the Quran, "You will not be asked of what they did." I separate myself, because I cannot cope with such close involvement - it hurts me. I also separate myself because I hate what Allah Hates. I do not want to fall into the same sin or to be one of those who supports another in their sin. I'm sure it sounds cold and not supportive, but if I don't look at it like that, then I cannot function.

As for day-to-day life, how do you think and conduct yourself when you have these strong, negative emotions? Try to continue with life as usual without saying anything. I say, "try" because I am not a person who easily disguises feelings, so it is an effort that may not completely succeed for many of us. Harping on the issues will cause a problem and you may be blamed. If you are at a stage where there is little point in any speech, ask Allah to rectify your affairs and show both you and your husband the truth of the situation and make a clear path for you to His pleasure.

All this horrible stuff in marriage is why I wrote Trust after Betrayal, Hold on to your Hijab and The Road to Healing Rifts, inshaa'Allah. Try very hard to smile and focus on all the positive things; there are still many of them. That is how you can still enjoy your life and relationship.

Remember, you have your own faults, failings, and sins. The negatives don't go anywhere...they are there and that is part of the test so don't expect things to ever be exactly the same. The more the person errs, the more the healthy heart is repulsed. It is impossible to feel the same about someone if, or when, they do what is hated by Allah.

It is quite sad because many couples have a wonderful relationship where they enjoy many interests and laugh a lot together, but there is always the "dark side" that undermines the respect and trust. Sisters, don't expect to be able to trust him in the things he has a failed track record in. Try to focus on those things you can trust him in. An outlook that can help with this is to hate the actions and the cause of the actions - shaytaan and his wicked whispers - not the person.

As I tell all the sisters, find a smile from somewhere and try to be happy within yourself... with Allah and without your husband. Then just behave that way while he is around as well. He doesn't need to know that he isn't the cause of your smile or contentment. Compartmentalize, if you can...and I'm not saying it is easy at all. Me finding my happy place with Allah is how I don't end up being cold and resentful when something in the relationship is ruined.

You can be pleasant, laughing, affectionate, but the damage that is done means that part is real and part is an act. Remember that the act isn't really for your husband, it is for Allah's pleasure and to fulfill your obligations as a wife.The more you dedicate yourself and your love to Allah, the easier it gets to find happiness and separate yourself from the less pleasant aspects. Never forget, for every action there is a reaction. If you are happy and contented, it will have a huge effect on your husband and home.

Here's my analogy of the day. What happens when you have an unwanted guest? You know, someone you struggle to allow into your space. If you give them a bad reception, you will make them feel unwelcome, uncomfortable, unwanted, which usually brings out the worst in them. Whereas, if you give them a good reception, then you give them ease and, inshaa'Allah, bring out the best in them. Our husband's are our most important guests, even when they err. It is our job to try to bring out the best in them bi ithn Illah, ta'ala.

Sisters, you are not alone in these struggles. Although our husbands may all do different things, many sisters go through this in varying degrees and are seeking advice on how to cope.

May Allah guide and help us all - ameen!

Polygyny: Would I ?

2011-05-22T22:13:00.003+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Over the years, polygyny has played a role in my life in many ways. When I was a single Muslimah, I had several proposals for polygyny and have witnessed polygyny attempts... and failures. One might think that with my attitude towards it, I might have been a willing candidate for polygyny.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I always looked at it with the questions:

What is the benefit for him?
What is the benefit for me?
What is the benefit for his family?
What are the losses for him?
What are the losses for me?
What are the losses for his family?
Does his wife want it? Does she accept and agree to it?
How does he plan to practice it?
Can he afford it?
Do we have similar goals?
Is he forward thinking regarding safeguarding our future and our goals collectively as a family?
Does he have genuine reasons for wanting to marry me?
What is his religious understanding and practice?

Believe me, there are plenty of other questions I could ask but I never even got past the first six or seven. Usually, I didn't even get past the first two! Needless to say, I didn't accept those polygynous proposals. In fact, in each case the first thing I asked the brother was, "What about your wife?" I will not be the one to hurt his wife, take time and resources away from his children, and ruin the simplicity of being one happy family unit. I'm not the party crasher. I'm not the one to squeeze a sixth person in a five-passenger car and cause discomfort for everyone on the journey.

I'm sure this sounds funny when I am in polygyny and have welcomed, or at worst case, accepted it into my life as a blessing and a test from Allah. However, there is a big difference between being a first wife where polygyny is imposed on you, and to be unmarried and make a conscious decision to enter into polygyny. The former entails having Allah send life changes and tests to you and facing them. The latter entails looking at a prospective situation, its pros and cons, and choosing it.

So, I wondered to myself, under what circumstances would I enter into polygyny? Before everything else, I would need to be in a situation where I needed to married...and where polygyny could work well or better than monogamy. Perhaps if I were widowed, needing support and stability for my children or to keep us in a certain place (like here in Madinah) it would become an option. Obviously there would need to be a great benefit to our Islam, with sound understanding and in depth knowledge. At my stage of life and deen, the only way to respect and obey a man is for him to have serious focus, obedience to, and worship of Allah.

So, if all this is in place, what's left? His wife. She must know me, understand me, love me, and actually want me in her life and family. She must be so satisfied with me that she would trust me to raise her children if something should happen to her. How's that for a tall order, LOL?

Now before anyone jumps up and argues, I know that the existing wife doesn't have to agree to polygyny. I know that she doesn't have to like me or be friends. I know that she doesn't even have to get to know me. This isn't about any Islamic requirements; this is about me and my heart and what I can live with. I cannot live with the guilt and fitna of marrying someone at the expense of others. I don't want to be another woman's heart wrenching test or unpleasant, lifetime burden. That makes for a wounded family. I will not expose my children to that and I will not accept that distraction from my deen and worship bi ithn Illah, taala.

I know what the implications of polygyny are. Basically, the first wife has to include and be affected for the rest of her life, by another woman who she never chose to share with, or even be friends with in many cases. The existence of that person in her family means that nothing is the same. Her marriage and marital intimacy is altered forever. There is no freedom to go on vacations without paying the price of time and money for someone else. Everything is on a schedule, restricted by time division and having to always be considerate of someone else. Everything is more complicated, more tiring, and sadly, less pleasant. It is a enormous and painful test for most women.

Marriage is supposed to be forever and it is meant to be one big family, on the same page, striving for the same goals, functioning in their respective roles, happy together and loving each other... for the sake of Allah. Sound too good, too ideal? Well, it isn't really; it will always have it's tests and trials. However, I've seen too much and been through too much to willingly settle for anything less that that.

May Allah bless us all abundantly, shower His soothing mercy on us, and make our good intentions a reality - ameen.

Don't Climb Every Mountain

2011-05-10T15:20:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Ever feel like you had loads of big ambitions and don't know where to start? How about when you try to take on so many different things that you are overwhelmed by them all? Of course, there are always people who take on many things and believe they can do them all, and more. This all is relative to a person's ability and, more importantly, Allah's Will. However, what I have learned over the years is that people who try to climb every mountain, or a whole load of very big mountains, end up leaving a trail of broken promises and unfinished plans behind them. There is perfect truth in the sayings, "Something's got to give," and "Everything has a price." In the life of a believer, it must never cost them their deen.

I have made a point to be real with the people around me, my children, and myself. For example, if my children ask me to do a certain activity or make something, I think about the value or benefit it will have. I consider if it will please Allah, if it will draw us closer to Him, enhance our understanding, or improve our practice of Islam. Is it an attraction to, or a detraction from, Allah? If it is a healthy, beneficial activity, I will tell them what the chances are of us doing it and what variables (particular circumstances) need to be in place for it to happen. Sometimes is is as simple as them finishing their school work in good time, sometimes is is dependent on me finishing something or us completing chores. Sometimes it will require us to wait until we've gotten the things we need to do it. Sometimes it is something that simply doesn't draw us closer to Allah or benefit us enough to be worth it and then I say no, citing my reasons.

With friends, I may say it depends on my resources or my ability. Basically, I tell others that I will do what they want IF it isn't a distraction from Allah, IF Allah wills it, and IF I have what is needed for it. In all cases, in the matter of a few seconds I assess the value of the task and it's price in my life and then make a decision.

When it comes to bigger things, I consider that if I died today, would I have been focusing on the right things? At least, now, I can say that I am actively focusing on the betterment of my deen, mashaa'Allah. My school is for my deen, not any other purpose, mashaa'Allah. My methods of child-raising are for Allah's pleasure in us all, inshaa'Allah. My care of my family and lifestyle are structured to adhere to Islam as well as possible, bi ithn Illah. Even my future plans are all to increase my emaan, tawakkal, and taqwa and that of my children, inshaa'Allah. I'm not doing wonderfully, but al hamdul'Illah, I can live with it and it is a seed to grow from, bi ithn Illah.

When I went to college a few years ago, it was to learn about education and how to raise and teach my children well, inshaa'Allah. However, when it came to me transferring to university to complete my teaching degree, I stopped. Not because it was too hard, but because it wasn't focusing on the right things. It wasn't for the improvement of my deen and it wouldn't help me fulfill my duties to Allah and my family. It would have been an obstacle - a mountain I was not willing to climb.

When you are considering your life, your goals, your future plans think about the various mountains around you. Then assess which mountains you should climb.

- If it takes you away from your primary purpose of living to worship Allah, say goodbye.

- If it distracts you from what's important in the Eyes of Allah and His Messenger (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam), say goodbye.

- If it keeps you so busy, you cannot find dedicated time every day to learn and grow in Islam and understand and memorize Quran, say goodbye.

- If it fills your mind or life with fitna, say goodbye.

- It it is for worldly gain, at the expense of fulfilling your obligations to your family and the Ummah, say goodbye.

We take on things that complicate our lives and distract us from our purpose in this life: worship of Allah.

Simplify.

Don't climb every mountain; look at the mountains whose peaks get you closest to Allah and set your sights on those. All the other mountains will become, just as we are told in the Qur'an, like fluffy wool, unable to raise you to any beautiful heights.

Hold on to Your Hijab...

2011-05-04T17:27:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Ever get the timing all wrong and express your feelings, only to receive a really negative reception? How about when it seems to get worse and worse, whether you stay quiet or try to speak?

Basically, shaytaan has set up a big fairground, with his army of shayaateen running the rides, between you and that person. Be it your husband, friend, relative, or employer, nothing can get through to them without going through the fairground of fitna and that rotten devil's interference.

These are times when, although you desperately want to communicate and try to garner understanding and positivity, you will not succeed. These are times when you have to hold on to your hijab (or perhaps kufi, LOL) and bide your time. Believe me, I'm writing this because I need to take my own advice, LOL.

You may write down your feelings, get into details about your perspective, and even try to make an objective list of pros and cons... or 70 excuses. However, instead of handing them over or pressing send on the e-mail, pray 2 rakat and sit down with that list and pour it out to The Therapist. Take it to Allah. Just doing that will ease your heart and mind. It also puts the whole situation over to the Only One Who has any control over it and any power to change it for the good.

Allah will not change your situation if you think you can handle it yourself...and wouldn't that be idiotic thinking anyway?

Allah says: “Call upon Me. I will answer you.” [Sûrah Ghâfir: 60]

So, call upon Him and let Him resolve the situation in the most perfect way; in a way you would never be able to in your lifetime. Don't delay in turning to Him, so He doesn't delay in answering...and remember, holding on to your hijab drives shaytaan crazy. Allah is with the patient...and shaytaan has to run. By the time you've handed it over to Allah and exercised patience, shaytaan will have been forced to pack up and take his fairground somewhere else.

Eternal Beauty

2011-05-01T20:01:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Beauty is such an interesting thing: the outer beauty and the inner beauty. Even the nicest looking person doesn't look lovely if they don't love Allah and have a clean heart. Clean hearts and pure intentions shine from faces like a beautiful illumination. The smiles of those with inner beauty are irresistible to all like souls, they emanate and meet with gleaming smiles. While our outer beauty lies with what Allah has decreed for us, our inner beauty makes us more beloved to people than the most beautiful exterior. The clean heart loves the clean heart...and that's what the believers see in each other.

If you wish to be eternally beautiful, Rectify Your Heart.

So many of you I have never met, never seen...but our hearts speak to each other and our smiles reach each other all over the world. May our hearts be a source of light on Yawm Al Qiyama - ameen.

Polygyny - Behind Closed Doors

2011-04-27T13:20:00.002+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah Wa Barkatuh.

This is a sensitive subject, but it is the biggest and hardest aspect to deal with for many women in polygyny - marital intimacy. I know that many women feel that they never want their husbands to touch them again once he's been with another woman. They struggle with feelings of diminished confidence, jealousy, suspicion that he is lying when he says he still wants them, and disgust. It can be even harder because, with polygyny, it is not a secret; he has legitimately taken another wife and is living with her for part of the time.

I'm sure some of you may have wondered how I handled this and if I went through those feelings. Most certainly some of those negative thoughts went through my mind, but I knew they were from shaytaan. I also avoid my own slanted interpretations of things. After all, if I have no reason to think I am undesirable or less in some way, then why on earth should I think it?

Certain factors will always play a big part in how the woman feels and how she copes. Much depends on how the husband handles the situation. He must make her feel especially wanted and desired to compensate for the fact that he is also enjoying someone else. He must make it his responsibility to ensure the existing wife/wives are well taken care of in this area.

However, I took a different approach to the whole subject. I told my husband as clearly as I could that I didn't get married to be left hanging and frustrated. I made it clear over 7 years ago that I expected my husband to keep me fulfilled, regardless of his obligations to, and desires for, another wife. I know myself well enough to know that if I was left feeling frustrated or ignored, it would be a huge source of fitna and resentment of his other marriage. It is essential to eliminate all aspects that will sabotage positive thinking and success in polygynous situations.

So, rather than think to myself, 'I don't want him to touch me now he's been with someone else,' I thought instead, 'I'm getting some of my marital rights from him.' For every night that I think he is pleasing her, I will ensure he pleases me on my night/time, inshaa'Allah. I'm sure it must seem quite a tough approach as opposed to the hurt and confidence shaken one, but it works very well for me. Even if I imagine that my husband is having relations with his other wife on every one of her nights, exercising my marital rights on my nights gives me equal psychological footing.

As my husband so clearly stated on his blog, it doesn't go down well in polygyny for the man to be too tired or have a headache, LOL. From a female perspective, I think that most men think they are "too much man" for one woman and can always handle more, LOL. All I have to say to that is, "Prove it." ;P

What Went Wrong?

2011-04-21T10:54:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

What is our purpose on this earth?

وَمَا خَلَقْتُ الْجِنَّ وَالْإِنْسَ إِلَّا لِيَعْبُدُونِ

And I did not create the Jinn and the mankind except for My worship.

Quran 51:56

How does that apply to marriage, parenting, family, friendships, colleagues, and the world around us? In every one of these relationships, we must enter it with the intent to serve Allah and increase our emaan and taqwa through it. In every one of these relationships we must be encouraging and increasing worship and obedience to Allah. We must, foremost, enter into any and all things for the improvement, and as positive part of the development, of our worship of Allah.

It is reported that ‘Abdullâh b. ‘Abbâs – Allâh be pleased with him – said, “Love for Allâh and hate for Allâh, make your enmity because of Allâh and your allegiance because of Allâh; for indeed, the love and support of Allâh is not achieved save through this. And a man will never taste true faith (îmân) – though he may pray and fast much – except when he is like that. Today, the people’s brotherhood is based upon worldly considerations (dunyâ), but this will not do anything for them on the Day of Resurrection.”
Ibn Al-Mubârak, Al-Zuhd wa Al-Raqâ`iq article 353.

What happens when we enter into anything for our own reasons that go against what Allah and His Messenger (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) have given us as criteria? Things go wrong. They don't go wrong because they started out right in the first place and then lost Allah's Blessings. They go wrong because they were never right in the first place; they are simply following their course.

What is their course all about? Teaching us what happens when we don't do things with the right intention; when we don't do them to worship and draw closer to Allah, subhaana wa taala. Their course is a series of warnings, signs, lessons, and events that are meant to teach us that there is no success without putting Allah first.

When we embark on marriage with the wrong intention or mixed intentions, then we will see the results of that. That's why so many marriages fail. What about the marriages where one person had the right intention and the other didn't. Does it end up okay? Not usually.

It is reported that Sufyân Al-Thawrî – Allâh have mercy on him – said:
If you loved a man for Allâh and then he innovates in Islâm and you don’t hate him for it, you never [truly] loved him for Allâh.

Abû Nu’aym, Hilyatu Al-Awliyâ` 7:34.

Usually the marriage is not happy or successful. Usually, it is a blessing from Allah for the one with the right intention if the marriage ends. They are being protected from the companionship and fitna of someone insincere and misguided.

Yahyâ b. Yahyâ Al-NaysâbûrÎ reports:
I was once with Sufyân b. ‘Uyainah – Allah have mercy on him, when a man came to him and said, “O Abû Muhammad, I complain to you of so-and-so”, meaning his wife, “I am the lowest and most despicable thing to her.” [Sufyân] lowered his head for a few moments, then said, “Perhaps you wanted her in order to better your status.” The man said, “Indeed, o Abû Muhammad.” Sufyân said, “Whoever goes for glory will be tried with ignominy, whoever goes for wealth will be tried with poverty, but whoever goes for religiousness, Allah will bring together for him glory and wealth with the religion.” He then started to narrate to him:
We were four brothers: Muhammad, ‘Umrân, IbrâhÎm and I. Muhammad was the eldest, ‘Umrân was the youngest, and I was in the middle. When Muhammad wanted to marry, he desired status and married a woman of higher standing, so Allah tried him with ignominy. ‘Umrân desired wealth, so he married a richer woman and Allah tried him with poverty: [her family] took everything from him and gave him nothing.
I pondered their situation. Mu’ammar b. Râshid once came to us so I consulted him on the situation and told him the story of my brothers. He reminded me of the hadÎth of Yahyâ b. Ja’dah and the hadÎth of ‘Â`ishah. The hadÎth of Yahyâ b. Ja’dah states that the Prophet – Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him – said, “A woman is married for four things: her religion, her status (lineage), her wealth or her beauty; so take the religious one and be successful.” The hadÎth of ‘Â`ishah states that the Prophet – Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him – said, “The most blessed woman is she who is easiest to maintain.”
Thus, I chose [to marry a woman of] religion and modest dowry, in accordance with the Sunnah of Allah’s Messenger – Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him, and Allah gave me status and wealth along with the religion.
Abû Nu’aym, Hilyatu Al-Awliyâ` 7:289, 290.
Note
The first hadÎth is recorded by Al-BukhârÎ and Muslim. The second is found in Al-Nasâ`Î and other collections but has been graded weak by scholars including Shaykh Al-AlbânÎ. However, scholars point out there is another narration that supports and adds to its meaning. This hadÎth states:
It is from the blessing in a woman that she has an easy dowry, an easy proposal [via her guardian] and an easy womb (i.e. she is fertile and bares children without difficulty). One of the reporters of this narration, ‘Urwah, said “And I say from myself, one of the first signs of evil from a woman is for her to have a high dowry.”
This hadÎth is recorded by Imâm Ahmad and others and is graded hasan by Shaykh Al-AlbânÎ.

In some beautiful scenarios, the one with the wrong intention learns from the one with the right intention and the relationship becomes one of serious, and joyous, striving towards the pleasure of Allah. These are the occasions when we see that Allah Guides whom He wills and can turn a situation for the good. However, these are not situations one enters into knowingly, because there is no guarantee that Allah will turn the other's heart and mind; that may not be His will.

When people look at their problematic or failed marriages, relationships between parents and children, friendships, and acquaintances, so many times we hear that question, "What went wrong?" So many times people harp on the question, seeking all manner of answers and solutions. However, the answer is as simple as that one ayah of Quran: we are here to worship Allah. What is worship of Allah? Believing in, following, and implementing His message and our perfect example, Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam).

If we put our own desires before the worship of Allah, then we are simply wasting our time and asking to be taught a lesson. Yes, we are human and we make mistakes; but we must learn from them and come to correct and sincere intention. Otherwise, eventually we may become of those who Allah leaves to their pleasure in this life to increase their punishment in the next, wa audhu b'Illahi min as-shaytaan ir-rajeem.

Now, when I hear that question, "What went wrong?" I think to myself, "Absolutely nothing."

All thanks and praise for Allah, our only hope for success in this life and eternity.

The Daily Account

2011-04-18T18:23:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

"The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better, then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend." [Quran 41:34]

One of the most valuable things we can do is assess our account at the end of each day; it's a long, hard look in the mirror. I have been thinking about how to make our children more aware of their actions and the fact that they will have an account with Allah. After a couple or three months of intentions and running it by hubby and friends, I have finally launched The Daily Account for the children....and me, al hamdul'Illah. It is, quite naturally, based on Islam and the fact that the good deeds erase the bad deeds.

To prepare, I sewed a little cloth "rack" with four pockets in it and each child's initial on a pocket. Then I cut up some thick construction paper into squares. I also made a chart to keep a record of the daily account for each child. Here's how it works:

Red squares are for negative and haram behaviors, light blue cards for positive behaviors, yellow cards for completion of acts of ibadah. From morning to night, children get cards in their pocket according to their deeds and behavior. The children have been shown the various cards, so they have a clear idea of what is considered unacceptable, good, and praiseworthy behavior. In addition, there are plenty of blank cards so I can add things to each category when an action or behavior arises that hasn't been included.

An example of some red cards:

- Broke the rules
- Hurt someone
- Spoke rudely or with an attitude
- Did something makhrooh in the prayer
- Didn't listen to my parents
- Lied
- Was sneaky/deceptive

An example of some blue cards:

- Gave sadaqa - a smile, picked something up, a gift...
- Completed my schoolwork in good time
- Did something especially kind or helpful
- Kept room tidy and clean
- Did the right thing
- Got ready for bed on time

An example of some yellow cards:

-Prayed all 5 prayers well.
-Said daily dua' for waking up, getting dressed, etc.
- Said the istiaatha at a necessary time
- Read Qur'an
- Actively sought out Islamic knowledge.

Here is an example of how this works. As the day progresses, cards are placed in the children's pockets according to their behavior. They see the cards going in and can check their pocket periodically. When behavior is bordering on bad, they get a warning before the red card is given. They are told when they do something that warrants a blue card. When something happened last night and one child told a lie, they got a red card but were also told that if they tell the truth they would get a blue card for doing the right thing...which would offset that horrid red card. Worked like a charm, mashaa'Allah!

This is in it's early stages, but the atmosphere in our home and between the children is notably improved in their race to win on The Daily Account. I'm still considering what we will reward the child with the best daily account with. It will not be something to encourage materialism, but more along the lines of recognition perhaps with a badge or award to keep for the week, and a special dinner or a baked treat of their choice. On a monthly scale, perhaps a special outing or activity of their choice. This is a work in progress, so I expect it will need adaptations.

In truth, we adults could use this programme too, especially if we are trying to get a grip on several issues and have a clearer picture of ourselves. I am certainly very conscious of occasions when I need a card, and I am making a little pile for myself. It has already drastically reduced the amount of times I raise my voice, wa al hamdu l'Illah.

Inshaa'Allah, The Daily Account will help prepare us all for the day when our real account is handed to us - ameen.

It Took Years

2011-04-04T18:15:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Someone asked me once how I got to this place in my life, my deen, and my heart. Well, it took years. Every year, every month, every day, every hour, every minute, and every second were needed for me to be the person who types to you now.

To get from vague religion, to Church of England, to Islam took 22 years. To go from being insecure and intimidated, to certain and unshakable in my reliance on Allah took 16 years. To get from learning Quran in order to pray, to understanding and reciting Quran because I love it, took 22 years. To learn to truly love for the sake of Allah took 28 years. To be ready for the role of wife and mother, took 20 years of working and supporting myself. To find a person to strive for Jennah with, took 36 years.

There aren't any instant packets of experience, wisdom, emaan, taqwa, or knowledge. There are no quick fixes for understanding and loving everything Allah sends you. It takes life experiences. Every year of your life is necessary for your movement towards Allah. Take it easy. Take time to think about the experiences. Embrace it all for what it is: your own personalized self improvement plan written by your Creator.

Allah has a plan for each of us and it follows His timeline. It isn't about how long it takes, it's about getting there. A large factor in getting there is understanding that everything that we go through is meant to get us there. Look at everything, the easy and the difficult, the joy and the misery, the thrills and disappointments and know that it's all part of the journey to Allah. It's all sent to make you turn to Him.

Now that I've said that it took me years to get to where I am, let me tell you where I am. Virtually nowhere in terms of knowledge, 29 Juz to go for Qur'an memorization, still battling myself to have the self-control and manners of our beloved Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, still desperately trying to please Allah, and seeking forgiveness for my many mistakes. I'm just struggling and striving along my personal path to Allah, and will be for the rest of my days, inshaa'Allah. It took years; al hamdu l'Illah for every one of them - they are irreplaceable.

Parenting Help Hotline

2011-03-31T07:19:00.003+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

My 7-year-old daughter is going through some changes and testing the waters in regards to discipline, truthfulness, emotions, and words. Ya Rabb! I know my children are extremely easy compared to many others, mashaa'Allah. Regardless, parenting is hard at these times and I find myself struggling about how to handle various situations. I have been dialing the Parenting Help Hotline, seeking Allah's help and guidance in this.

Here is an outline of what happened a couple of days ago with her. Please note that she has been reading fluently since she was 3 years old, mashaa'Allah, so one wouldn't expect this to be a fix for most 7-year-olds, but a modified version might work. The key is to give children information and strategies that they can easily understand and implement. My daughter knows that The Pen (recorded account of good and bad deeds) isn't upon her yet, but that she is in training for when The Pen descends. This is a critical time, as these are the years where instruction for prayer and Islamic knowledge are being established.

In the morning at school, she said she wasn't walking downstairs with her little sister to play with her before classes start. Previously, she had gone down with her sister every day happily, without fail. This had her little sister very upset and me wondering what on earth was going on. I asked her why and she had no reason. I could tell that something was going wrong with her mindset. A friend and I both told her that she needs to take care of her sister and go downstairs with her. She went, but was silently whining and in a bad mood about it.

Once I saw that she was immersed in a bad mood, I went over to her and crouched down to eye level. I told her shaytaan was strongly influencing her at that time. After all, how can one fight if they don't know their enemy? I told her to say the istiaadha (the istiaadha is, "audhu b'Illahi min as shaytaan ir-rajeem) and as she said it, tears started rolling thick and fast down her cheeks. I told her that shaytaan didn't want her to get rid of him, that's why she was crying because there was a battle in her. I made her say it two more times and then had her recite Quran, the last three suwar. By the time she got to An Naas, I could see the calm coming over her. She recited Ayat al Kursy and then went to her classroom.

As the day continued, her mood remained considerably better, mashaa'Allah. However, once we had returned home and she was finished with her homeschooling, Allah sent me an idea. I called her over to read the Seven Phases of Shaytaan. Then I asked her at what stage she thought she was. After some thought, she told me she was at Phase 3, so I asked what major sins she was committing. She admitted to disobedience to parents and lying. Then she said, "So if I stop doing the major sins, shaytaan will get me to do minor sins next?" Now she was thinking, mashaa'Allah! I then had her read my post, Scream, Shout, Kick shaytaan Out! Immediately after she read it, she went to get her computer and played Surah al Baqarah.

Then we prepared to pray, and as usual she delayed us a bit, so I said, "See how shaytaan keeps getting to you?" She denied it was shaytaan and told me, "You don't love me as much as you used to." Naturally, I talked to her about that, telling her I love her and want only to see the best for her. I told her that she has great potential to teach others Islam and please Allah. I then told her if she went out and killed someone, I wouldn't feel the same about her. It isn't that I don't love her, but it isn't nice or easy for me when she does the wrong thing. I then told her that she is a child and I understand that she has to go through different stages to learn and grow. It's just not lovely for me as her mummy to have to see her be naughty because I do love her.

She went off, still feeling sad. We went about our business for another hour or two and then my daughters had an apple break while I was preparing dinner. Just as they were happily chatting away, Allah sent me another gem of guidance. I asked my daughter how she would feel if I stopped praying or walked outside without my hijab? She looked at me as if I'd lost my mind, LOL. Then I asked her again, how would she feel? She answered, "I would be upset!" I asked her why and she responded, "Because you would be disobeying Allah, Mummy!" (This is where anyone lurking in my mind would have heard my brain give a huge sigh of relief and a mental al hamdu'Illah!) I simply said to her, "Ah! So now do you understand how I feel when you disobey Allah?" Her face lit up as if the lightbulb had just gone on. She let out a laugh that said, "Now I get it!"

Since then, she has asked how she can get out of the phase she is in with shaytaan. I remind her to seek refuge in Allah and get rid of that rotten devil. They did a homeschooling unit on Understanding shaytaan, so her little sister knows the formula, too, mashaa'Allah. I tell them that every day they wake up and have choices to make; it's up to them to make the right and best choices. It is within their own control.

Will this be the end of it and we all live happily ever after? Of course not. I expect to remind and guide over and over again; that's what mothers do. When it comes to parenting, I have to turn to Allah, subhaana wa taala, He always gives me a way that was better than anything I could of dreamed up. To all you parents out there, rely on the Parenting Help Hotline first. Throw your hands up in dua' when you're seeking a way through to your children. It's the only way to ultimate success for you and your children.

Al hamdu l'Illahi rabbil aal ameen!

My Un-Da'wah Story: Part 3

2011-03-29T18:25:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum.

Sometime in the early part of 2007, my father told me that he had been reading one of the books I left there and he had a great feeling of peace. He was living alone and had a lot of time on his hands, so it seems that it was a time for him to reflect. I asked what book it was, and he told me, "Lasting Prayers." I used to keep a Quran, an easy hadith book, and a few other books that were easy reading there so I would have something to read and refer to whenever I visited. I always thought that if they were interested, they might pick one up to read, but forgot about them for the most part.

For the next couple of phone calls, my father kept talking about the Lasting Prayers book, which is very beautifully made and has chapters that tell the prayers of each of the prophets (alayhum as salaam). He could see what Ibrahim (as) prayed with the direct quote from the Quran and explanation, as well as many other prophets (as). He mentioned that he was planning to visit the Islamic Foundation to see if they had some other book that he could read next. We took the initiative and put together a package of a couple of books by the same authors that I thought he would like, one an explanation of Surah Al Fatiha and the other on Surah Ikhlaas. I think we included another simple basic Islam book too and sent him a copy of the Lives of the Prophets series, which we knew he had enjoyed hearing parts of during his visit. We sent them all off and I called after a week or so to see if he had received them. When I called to check he told me that he had just been to the Islamic Foundation and they gave him a big pile of material to read the day before he received our package. He didn't know where to start! I told him to simply have a look and see what interested him and just go from there.

He returned to the Islamic Center again, to pick up a different translation of the Quran and have a little tour. He said that they told him he needed to learn to pray and gave him some paper to complete in the event he chose to embrace Islam. Finally, my husband had a chat with him and asked him what he believed. He stated that he was pleased with what he was learning and with Islam. I was about to faint!

Well, as we were off on Thanksgiving day, we gave my father a call to see how he was. He told me he'd just gotten back from the Islamic Foundation and did the ceremony. I asked what he was talking about, and after a bit of real confusion on my part I realised that he had said his shahadah! He said there was a group that gathered in the prayer hall and they all hugged him and he received all manner of welcome gifts and support. Al hamdu l'Illah! My father had embraced Islam, just a month before he turned 69 years old wa subhaan Allah wa bi hamdihi! The person I thought would be too resistant to change to ever accept Islam, even if he thought it was right, had changed. Allah (subhaana wa taala) had shown me the reality of, "Kun fa ya kun!" (Be and it is!)

Well, I'm crying now. It's been over three years since Daddy reverted and I'm still overwhelmed by it. We went to visit him over the summer and it was the first time to see him since he'd accepted Islam. To see my 72-year-old father pray was indescribable. Allah, yet again, has shown me His All-Encompassing Power. Anything is possible when Allah Wills it. We can never know His Plan or who He will gift with the faith of Islam next.

My Un-Da'wah Story: Part 2

2011-03-29T18:15:00.002+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaam alaykum.

Well, after I got married and we had our first daughter,my father and his wife decided to visit us. They came by the time she was turning one, in the summer of 2004, mashaa'Allah. I was wearing niqaab by then, but I didn't mention it at all and just went to pick them up at the airport. They didn't say anything about my face being covered initially and we got them home, settled down, and just let them relax. We had stocked the freezer and fridge with a variety of zabihah meats for their visit and for the first couple of days let them sleep in and recover from their flight. They enjoyed getting to know their granddaughter and we went to a couple of places for sightseeing and shopping.

During their stay, we did a couple of things that exposed them to Islam. We used to sell Islamic clothing, accessories, lectures, etc. at different functions and we took them one evening to a masjid in Philadelphia while we were vending. As brothers and sisters passed by, gave salaams, and interacted with us, my father asked me what the response was to their salaams and then responded a couple of times. It was quite cute. The whole experience served to show them a large Muslim community, predominantly American, with focus and a good sense of brotherhood/sisterhood.

The other thing we did was when we took them for drives, especially long ones, we played The Lives of the Prophets in the van. I mentioned in passing that it is the one time when we have a chance to listen to the series without interruption, just so they understood that it was for us, not them. Well, every now and then my father would make a sound of agreement with something being said, so I knew he was listening at least some of the time. His wife commented that it was very relaxing and soothing to listen to while we were traveling. Well, you KNOW that hubby and I were just grinning away at each other about that!

Of course, they saw us pray whenever and wherever we were for the duration of their stay, heard us refer to Allah throughout our day, and generally saw how our life was being lived. Our daughter was saying many words by then, so she would say "Al hamdu'l'Illah" after she sneezed, "bism'Illah" before she ate, etc. We also introduced them to black seed and black seed oil, explaining that the Prophet Muhammad, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, told us it was a cure for everything except death. That interested them greatly, as they like natural remedies and nutritional supplements.

When the time came for them to leave, we gave them gifts including a framed ayah of Quran translated into English (the last ayah of Surah Al Baqarah) that we had made. My husband decided to slip two simple books into their gift bag as well about Understanding Islam and Muslims. He told them that it was just in case they had any questions or wanted to understand a little more. We hugged and kissed them goodbye at the airport and my father said, "May Allah keep you safe and blessed."

On returning home, I talked to my father and he said that within a month of getting back they had to call someone to fix their hot water heater. The man who came was a Muslim and my father engaged him in conversation telling him about us. He talked to him about the black seed oil, which he liked to use. My father had taken us to the Markfield Islamic Foundation when we visited and had a look around with us, so he was familiar with it. He told me that he was planning to give them a call to see if they could tell him where to purchase more of the black seed. I thought to myself that at least it was some kind of connection with Islam.

Qadr Allah, by 2006 my father and his wife divorced. He was 68 at the time and it was a huge life change for him. He started thinking of different options such as coming over the the U.S.A. so he could be closer to us, moving to Portugal, etc. We just called him more often and remained supportive and loving.

In the meantime, my mother came to visit for 2 weeks. By then I had a 5 month old daughter as well, so she got to see both her granddaughters, mashaa'Allah. It was the last week of Ramadan, so we were fasting and she saw each day how we broke our fast and heard us get up early to have suhoor. My older daughter was 3 then, and she used to go downstairs to keep Grandma company in the early mornings while she had her cup of tea. One day my mother told me that she had sneezed and my mother said "bless you". She responded, "You can't bless me, only Allah can do that." My mother was taken aback, quite amazed at the clarity and focus. She saw us pray, saw the children living as Muslims, learned what we didn't do, and what we did.

When Eid came, she was uncomfortable to come with us to the Eid prayer, so I tried to leave it open for her. She changed her mind and came, holding the baby and just sitting at the back. It was in a rented hall, so there were no issues of her entering a masjid. She even draped a shaylah over her hair for the duration. One or two mornings I played Quran for Little Muslims for the children and checked to see if she was listening. She didn't really seem to be taking anything in, so I didn't take it any further. We enjoyed her visit, spent a lot of time letting her relax and do a little shopping. We gave her gifts from the girls that showed their love for Grandma and sent her home with hugs. Mashaa'Allah, it was a good visit.

My Un-Da'wah Story: Part 1

2011-03-29T13:26:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I reverted to Islam 23 years ago while living in Bahrain. My parents live in England, and I told them over the phone, so they really didn't know what I was talking out. Islam was a far-off thing for them and they didn't know what it meant.

I had a small piece of advice given to me just before my first trip back home to England after becoming a Muslimah. It was to simply be myself, let everyone see that I hadn't changed in any ridiculous way, and to answer questions (when and if they came) as simply as possible. So, that's what I did.

I went home, asked for something to be kept in the bathroom so I could make istinja, explained why I needed it and went about enjoying my visit with my father and his wife. The same went for my mother. When they asked a question, I answered as simply as possible so that if they wanted more information they could continue to ask questions and if that was enough then I hadn't overdone it.

Well, the years passed and my parents became more accustomed to my lifestyle. They sometimes had some very specific questions for me when I went home for visits. I noticed that they were quoting things they'd heard on the radio or watched on television about Muslims, so I knew they were paying more attention to Islam in general.

Then, perhaps 10 or 11 years after I embraced Islam, my father called me one New Year's Eve and told me he was proud of me, that I had good morals, lived a clean and decent life and had done well in my work. Mashaa'Allah. I was in tears. It was a milestone in my life and in my un-da'wah; my father was proud of me and my faith.

During the years that I went home to visit my parents, I told them these things in answer to their questions.

-In Christianity, living together without being married is called "living in sin." I'm not doing something different by not having boyfriends and waiting for marriage, I'm just following the rules. Within a year, my father married his partner and my mother married hers.

-In every movie you've seen about Biblical times, the women wore long loose clothes and their hair was covered. It has always been the way of religious people, I'm just going back to those ways. I gave them an analogy.

They get on a bus and a woman sits opposite them wearing a mini skirt, boobs all pushed up and cleavage out, make-up, long wild hair, high heels, perfume. She looks great. How does Daddy's wife feel about that woman? Does she check to see if my father is looking at her? Of course, my father has seen her and what will he do, put his hands over his eyes? Daddy's wife may be thinking, "She's thinner than me... she is more beautiful... she's younger." Daddy may be thinking, "She looks great!" Daddy's wife feels a resentment towards that woman for displaying herself in front of her husband. Then, when it comes to bedtime she has a little complex. I look fat in this nightdress. I don't want him to see me and compare me to that gorgeous woman. She has lost confidence in herself and her attractiveness to my father. A barrier has been placed between them. Now, if that woman had not displayed herself that way, Daddy's wife would not have anything to compare herself with. She would not have felt inferior or that my father had seen something he must, in her mind, prefer to her. She would have had no animosity towards that woman sitting opposite them and felt no threat.

Well, after explaining that, they made a point to advise me when shopping if the thing I was trying on was suitably covering or not. They understood.

-When asked about some horrible thing a Muslim had done, I said, "What about Son of Sam, the man down the road who killed his wife, and all these criminals in the prisons? Are they all Muslim? No, they are Christians, Jews, Athiests, etc. It has nothing to do with the religion, it has to do with the people. There are good and bad people. People with good judgment and intellect, and people without. I don't say the religion is bad because of a person who associates themselves with it; I call that person bad. "

-When sitting with them on the evening of their Christmas, after leaving them to their day and just arriving back home, I was asked if I didn't believe in Jesus. I took the Quran and read the excerpt from Surah Maryam about nabi Isa's birth, alayha salaam. Daddy's wife said, "Well, that Quran has it all so we don't need our Bibles do we?"

Then, about 8.5 years ago, I got married. This was another milestone, because they now had an example of a Muslim man to observe as well.

-When I got married they asked questions about my husband's short pants and beard... which he answered including hadith from the Prophet Muhammad, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam. My father could see that my husband was acting based on knowledge and commitment. For every question, my husband presented proof in his answer, wa al hamdu l'Illah ala kully haal.

-We had to handle the issue of not celebrating birthdays, Mother's Day, and Father's Day. Although I had explained previously that these things weren't celebrated in Islam, while single I still send a token of remembrance to them on Mother's Day and Father's Day to soothe their hearts. May Allah forgive me for my error in this - ameen.

We sent letters to my parents explaining that we didn't need special days to commemorate our love and appreciation for them; every day was a testimony to that. We made a point to send them letters, gifts, and express our love throughout the year so they could see that they were always special and not feel that they were being ignored, just because we didn't share their holidays. We explained that the only gifts that would be accepted would be at neutral times of the year or on Eid.
My mother started noting down the Eid dates so she could send cards and gifts.

Polygyny...Just a Little Quran and Sunnah

2011-03-27T16:18:00.002+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Allah tells us in the Quran,

"And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice]." (An-Nisaa’ 3:3).

I hear so many people say that polygyny is not recommended in Islam, but it is permitted. How does that align with Allah's words? He, subhaana wa taala, didn't say, "Marry one woman of your choice, and if you can check off a list of requirements that she gives you and also be fair, then marry 2, 3, or 4." Go ahead and look it up in Tafsir Ibn Kathir. So, to those who come with claims and opinions, I say to you, "Allah says what He means."

When it comes to practicing polygyny, there is much to be taken from our best example, Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam.) His wives had varying dowers. They were of varying ages, physical attributes, personalities, and personal situations. They were all provided with their own home within close proximity of the others. They used to meet together for a while in the home of whomever night it was each day. They had to treat each other with respect and kindness. He was kind, loving, patient, and fair with them all. He did housework. He ate whatever was available and never put his wives to trouble about special food. He was fair and firm with them when they erred. As per his example, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, his wives situations weren't worsened by him marrying others.*

However, we must bear in mind that they were living as simply as possible...quite the opposite of how we live today.

I cannot tell you how many times I think of this hadith.

Narrated Ibn Umar (radhi Allahu anhuma), "Once the Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) went to the house of Fatima (radhi Allahu anha) but did not enter it. Ali came and she told him about that. When Ali asked the Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) about it, he said, "I saw a multi-colored decorative curtain on her door. I am not interested in worldly things." Ali (radhi Allahu anh) went to Fatima and told her about it. Fatima said, I am ready to dispense with it in the way he suggests. The Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) ordered her to send it to such and such needy people."

I look around our apartment and know that even though we have a much simpler home and belongings that the majority of our peers, the Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) would not want to enter. Our lives today are so far removed from what he enjoined, that a decorative curtain is an atom in the universe compared to the worldly things most of his Ummah have, accumulate, and covet. AstaghfirAllah!

It is reported that Hafsah – Allâh be pleased with her – once said to her father (‘Umar, during his Caliphate):
Allâh has increased the provisions; if only you would eat better food than the food you eat now and wear softer clothes then those you wear now?! He said, “I will argue [against] you with your own self: Was not the condition of Allâh’s Messenger – praise and peace be upon him – such-and-such [when you were his wife]!?” He kept reminding her until she cried. He continued, “I have told you, by Allâh, I will share in their hard living (in this world, referring to The Prophet and Abû Bakr) so that I may partake in their good life (in Paradise).”
Hunâd b. Al-Sarî, Al-Zuhd article 687; Imâm Ahmad, Al-Zuhd article 201, et al. ⁽¹⁾
^{(1) Shaykh Abd Al-Rahmân Al-Farîwâ`î explains in his edition of Hunâd’s Al-Zuhd that this narration is sahîh if it is confirmed that Mus‘ab b. Sa’d heard it from Hafsah; otherwise its chain of transmission is mursal sahîh (i.e. it is authentic except there is a missing link between Mus’ab and Hafsah)}

It is, for this reason, that I understand (yes, ME, personally, which has nothing to do with anyone else with a different opinion) that there is no success for us in polygyny until we let go of our own opinions and materialism. Specifically, in both monogamy and polygyny it isn't about having the bigger or more expensive home, the fancier decor, or the higher lifestyle. An increase in those those things just takes us further and further away from what our beloved example, our Prophet, approved of.

If both husbands and wives follow the words of the Quran and Prophet's example, all those personal criteria and opinions regarding how polygyny should be practiced, under what "rules", and by whom, will end up baseless dust.

We need to stop LIVING with Allah and His Messenger in our lives and start living our lives in worship of ALLAH and gaining the approval of His Messenger.

*I have had someone named Nazia claim that I post without giving proof, but I don't know how I can write a blog post of any reasonable length and give all the hadith, quotes from the relevant books and seerah to support the things that I write. The things I write about are easily located in Tafsir Ibn Katheer, reputed books on the Seerah of the Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam), his wives (radhi Allahu anhunna), and major hadith collections. I don't write about obscure things, and if they are lesser known, then I include the proof.

Polygyny: Hubby's Monthly Progress Report.

2011-03-25T08:10:00.003+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakath.

About a week ago, hubby asked for a polygyny progress report reflecting how I felt he was doing with our polygynous situation. He has asked that it be done monthly so he can keep on top of things and that it be submitted in writing, so he has a record to refer back to. I have copied it below, however I have edited it slightly so as not to give overly specific details about members of our family. It is not edited enough to change my points though.

Polgyny Progress Report #1

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

All thanks and praise are for Allah, the most Perfect Provider of all our needs and our perfect Guide!

There are four aspects that I will address in this PPR: Relationship, Family, Islamic, and Practical.

Relationship:

Mashaa'Allah, you have done an excellent job of ensuring that I feel loved and appreciated. You have made an effort to make our time together enjoyable and of quality. The extra effort and affection has, in fact, made our relationship better than before, al hamdu l'Illah. Keep it up, please ;-D

Family:

Although this is obviously an area that is harder to please everyone in, the effort you have made to spend a little time each day with the girls is helping. Most certainly one of the most important factors is that they see you every day. The morning school routine makes it far less like you are gone much. They are affected by it all, I see it in the way they ask if you are here when they wake up, when you are coming, if you will be having dinner. However, considering that the changes are inevitable, I think it is going well enough. I have made the effort to make our nights and dinners without "Daddy" special and incorporate the bedtime story into things so that they have more things to look forward in their routine. They are certainly happy when we do more family things, especially going to the park, shopping, masjid, and they are looking forward to the return of the istaraaha and beach trips, inshaa'Allah. I think the main things they look for are nice activities out of the house and being part of a happy family.

- Friday Family thing is okay, but it is not an outing of choice.

Islamic:

This has been an area where having someone in the family who needs to be taught certain basics has perhaps pushed you to closer adherence and growth in various Islamic areas, mashaa'Allah. It has been difficult to explain things to the children when there are contradictions within our family (e.g. differences in prayer, dress, etc.) However, inshaa'Allah this will all come together in time and they will see how we all conform and unify in Islam as per the Quran and Sunnah.

Practical Issues:

I guess these are known perfectly well, but I'll document them anyway.

- Time for food shopping falls by the wayside and is inconsistent. The Friday Family thing interferes with the previous shopping arrangement. Need a top up for the household jar, so we can go to the supermarket over the road for necessities now and then, inshaa'Allah.

- The afternoon visit time isn't working as well at earlier on, and sometimes it doesn't seem balanced. For example, you came an hour late because last minute you dropped Zainab at her cousins. Perhaps it was made up by you being here on a night she was working, as I'm not keeping a track.

- The schedule is quite heavy and generally tiring, but I don't think there is much to be done about that with all that's going on.

- Zainab's job and your choice about her cooking makes things very unbalanced. Although I am grateful for the soft start for the girls in regards to having dinner with you and seeing you on more evenings, it isn't fair on the wives... When she is not working, there is no reason why your children couldn't go there after school and do their work on their netbooks. The structure and schedule for their homeschooling is not working well at all.

I understand that once Zainab stops working, then things will fall into place, inshaa'Allah. Inna Allaha ma'a as saabireen.

Barak Allahu feek wa fee usratanaa - ameen.

We discussed my comment about the Friday family outings. Hubby reminded me that they were established so we can get to know each other, build up a relationship, and be one big family. We have had five outings to date, the last three of which were at the park. However, the past four weeks we haven't had our Friday Family outing due to various circumstances.

It is amazing how easy it is to get comfortable not having those outings, especially as they take time for food preparation and need a great deal of mental effort to speak in Arabic. However, truly that is just shaytaan's whispers, as the more we get to know each other the better prepared we will be for living together on our land in the future inshaa'Allah.

I will post separately about the schedule because it is the biggest issue we have in all of this and looks just a big bowl of spaghetti at the moment. However, he already realized the food shopping issue and set new time slots for that...which for unforeseen circumstances these past two weeks haven't worked either, LOL. Since the progress report, hubby is now taking the children at change-over time and cooking on the evenings that he is at Zainab's. Also, he has freed up two of his nights during the week that were for Arabic classes, so Tuesday or Wednesday, regardless of whether Zainab is working, he will be able to take them there as usual.

So, inshaa'Allah this monthly exercise will be an excellent way to open up channels of communication on any problems that need to be addressed and what's going well. I'm taking notes of the beauty and the glitches in the programme, so let's see what next month's will bring, inshaa'Allah!

Polygyny: Living Arrangements and Co-Wives' Relationship

2011-03-24T09:48:00.002+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

As many of you have read, my co-wife lives just down the road from our apartment; perhaps no more than a 5 or 10 minute walk. This makes life much more pleasant for us all, because hubby can visit and go back and forth very easily without losing time on the transportation to and from our apartments.

On that subject, hubby asked me last week about our future plans for land and whether, given the choice, I would rather have the houses close together or spaced far apart or even on adjoining parcels of land. I immediately wanted to say spaced far apart, but held my tongue to think it through properly first. I have several reasons for not wanting us to be beside each other's homes. One is confidentiality. If hubby stops by to see me during the day, or vice versa, we don't need to know about it. I also don't want to have to find ways to regulate the frequency of visits if it is more than I'm comfortable with. I'm very happy in my solitude and in my own home, mashaa'Allah. Another aspect is that I don't want the uninvited intrusion of Zainab's young children in my peaceful life. We will each be in different stages of family life. In addition, I do not want to leave myself open to any situation where I will be considered a resident babysitter. I have no ill will in saying this, but I want to safeguard against things that I know will cause bad feelings and that shaytaan could play on.

In any case, I had to find a way of explaining to hubby in a way he could totally understand. I sat in the van telling him to hang on while I tried to find the right analogy and example. Then, mashaa'Allah, I found an analogy that explained the situation perfectly. I had to think of a friend of hubby's that is more an acquaintance that he likes but who is not a dear and close friend. Once I thought of someone, who I've termed as Brother X here, I could give the example. Here it is.

"If I told you that you had to live with Brother X and all his children for the rest of your life, and you had a choice between having him in the house right next to you or on a plot of land a bit further away, which would you choose?"

He immediately got it. If it was a dear and close friend, he'd want them to be right near him, but for someone who he must live with but isn't that type of friend, he would want space. Polygyny is a life choice that affects everyone because it is marriage, and marriage is intended to be for a lifetime.

It is very important to ensure that everyone has their own space. How much space they need will depend on the relationship between the co-wives. Close friends may want to be very near each other as their friendship is far more important to them than their relationship as co-wives. Sisters in Islam may want more space so that they don't feel that they are having someone imposed on them and their lives who isn't a natural choice as a friend. Others who don't have a good relationship with their co-wife, may benefit the most by being far enough away that they don't have to cross paths but near enough that they don't suffer time or visitation loss because of it.

For me, Arabic, Quran, homeschooling, mothering, wifing, and supporting others in tawheed, taqwa, and tawakkal are primary goals for my future. Inshaa'Allah, I will have the space to focus on what is important to me and my co-wife will have the space to raise her family and follow her own goals.

Scream, Shout, Kick shaytaan OUT!

2011-03-16T22:08:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Ever felt depressed, miserable, unhappy with life and unable to cope with trials? Well, it's all the workings of iblees, a.k.a. shaytaan and his helpers. I know what it is like. I, too, have been grabbed by the ankles by that rotten devil before now, and dragged towards the pit of no-emaan. The key is to know that shaytaan is at the root of the problem, and then deal with him.

Understand that it is a war between you and shaytaan.

DO NOT LET HIM WIN.

Shout, "Audhu b'Illahi min ash-shaytaan ir-rajeem!"

If an evil impulse from Satan provokes you, seek refuge in Allah. He is All-Hearing, All-Seeing. As for those who fear Allah, when they are bothered by visitors from Satan, they remember and immediately see clearly. (Surat al-A’raf, 200-201)

Call out "Allahu Akbar!"

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Satan runs through the blood veins of son of Adam, but when he remembers Allah, Satan retreats!”

Scream, "Bism Illah, leave me alone!"

Abul-Maleeh (ra) reports that a man said, “I was behind the Messenger (saw) and his riding animal stumbled. I said, “May Shaytaan perish”, and he said, “Do not say, “May Shaytaan perish”. If you say that he will grow in size until he becomes the size of a house and says, “By my strength”. Instead say, “In the Name of Allaah”. When you say that, he reduces in size until he is like a fly.” (Abu Dawood, saheeh isnad).

Constantly repeat adhkaar - Subhaan Allah, Al Hamdu l'Illah, Allahu Akbar.

Negate shaytaan's power by saying, "La hawla wa la quwatta ila b'Illah."

Recite Ayat al Kursi.

Say the adhaan.

Play Quran in your house...especially Surat al Baqarah which will send him fleeing.

Abu Hurayrah (ra) reports that Allaah’s Messenger (saw) said, “Do not turn your houses into graves. Indeed Shaytaan flees from a house in which Surah al-Baqarah is recited.” (Muslim).

Pull out all your ammunition from your dua' book. Direct all your anger, bad feeling, frustration, emotion, and energy into screaming, shouting, and kicking shaytaan out. No, it isn't a typo that I don't capitalize that rotten devil's name - he doesn't deserve the respect of a capital letter.

I know this sounds extreme, but it works. You will have channeled all that negative energy into something positive and good - into tawakkal and ibadah. You will find yourself at the end of that feeling like a huge weight has been lifted from you.

May Allah protect us all from the evil workings and whisperings of shaytaan and grant us the ultimate success of His Pleasure, Mercy, and Jennah - ameen.

Parenting: If You Can't Make it, Fake It

2011-03-12T17:01:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I believe that the responsibility of parenting is an extremely big thing. It isn't just about feeding a little body until it grows big or teaching them life skills, academics, and basics of Islam. It is about modeling Islam for them every day of their little lives so that it is the most natural thing in the world for them. It definitely is a subject that can be viewed from the cost and debt approach.

I once wrote a post, How Our Children Help our Islam, and this post ties in with that...with a very specific difference. This one is about our responsibility to model Islam correctly, even if we don't feel it. I have a couple of examples that are extremely prominent in my mind: hijab and social situations.

I have, all thanks to Allah, worn the hijab for 22 years now. I have also worn niqaab for the past 7 years, but in this case it is not relevant, because I'm only talking about hijab - the minimum obligatory Muslim female cover. For sisters who wear niqaab, however, I suggest you include it in the term of hijab. While my mode of covering has changed over the years, I have worn a loose overgarment on top of my regular clothes and a hijab that comes down over my chest ever since marriage (at the least) and that is what my children know of me. They have learned, according to their level of understanding, why women cover and that it isn't a choice, it is a must.

So what happens if I have a crisis of faith, (may Allah protect me from such misguidance and trial - ameen!), and I feel like removing my hijab? Absolutely nothing. I am the primary model of Islam for my children, and regardless of my feelings, inshaa'Allah I will continue to wear the hijab for their sake. I do not want to send a message to my child that if they don't like a thing that Allah has made fard for them, that it is okay on their own whims to discard it. I don't want to show them a manifestation of weak faith. What is inside me, what I struggle with, will be between Allah and myself.

What is the result of my "faking it"? My children have that same, consistent role model and I am not outwardly disobedient to Allah. Even if I had a candid talk with my children and told them about emaan increasing and decreasing, I would be able to tell them that what goes on inside us doesn't mean we can disobey Allah's commands. Regardless of my inner turmoil, I don't have the sin of zina or tabarruj to carry alongside it. In protecting the example my children look to, I protect myself.

Anas, radhi Allahu anhu, reported that the Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, said,

"Islam is public, whereas iman is in the heart." (Ahmad)

Allah, azza wa jal, says,

"The desert Arabs say, 'We have iman.' Say: 'You do not have iman. Say rather, "We have become Muslim," for iman has not yet entered into your hearts. If you obey Allah and His Messenger, He will not undervalue your actions in any way," (Surat al-Hujurat: 14)

Although their iman was weak, adherence to Islam showed enough iman for their actions to be accepted.

This also relates to social situations, because our children's Islamic confidence comes greatly from seeing how we conduct ourselves publicly. I lived in a city where there were perhaps only 3 or 4 niqaabis. I never saw any on the street and I was the only woman in my college with hijab, let alone niqaab. As I homeschooled my children, often we would be free to take a walk during the day to the park, the library, or the thrift shop. I drew plenty of attention and was questioned by people in supermarkets, at the park, and even from their front porches about why I cover my face.

I have always welcomed the chance to explain hijab and niqaab, so in my short, simple, and friendly way I would explain. However people looked or reacted, I went about business as usual with my daughters and purposely spoke to the librarians, shop keepers, other mothers in the park, and cashiers. Hearing my accent alone dispersed preconceived ideas. Being my usual friendly and bubbly self further lowered the walls, until the cashiers started asking my advice about healthy foods and the librarians warmly welcomed our sunshiny smiles.

I have attended school functions, the only niqaabi and my daughters the only Muslim children. When school picnics came around, we packed up our basket with all manner of healthy, halal foods because we knew we weren't eating the hotdogs. Other families commented on how delicious our food looked, and we offered around homemade cookies, bread, etc.

Of course, there have been a few negative moments that I've had to simply sail along and ignore. When my daughter asked why people always had their music blaring, I calmly explained to her that they put music as an essential priority in their life. Much like we remember Allah in all that we do, they listen to music. I explain that for us, remembering our Creator benefits us now and the aakhirah, but for them, the music is only an enjoyment in this life. Our walks are endless opportunities for comparing and contrasting. They are valuable learning experiences.

Do I always feel confident and look forward to those events? No. I often dread them, considering how I will make the experience enjoyable for my children, represent Islam well, and not compromise our practice or morals. Most surely I could avoid the social situations and save myself the effort. However, I must do all this because my children need to see me act with confidence and conviction. They need to see me take questions in stride and explain our practices engagingly and effectively. They need that for their own self-confidence and conviction that pleasing Allah is foremost, something to be proud about, and not to be compromised.

My modelling teaches them how to act with conviction, not only around non-Muslims but also around Muslims who don't have the same standards or practices. For every question and every life practice and behavior, they are given proof in the form of Quran or hadith. In this way, they too will know how to establish an unshakeable foundation with the ability to answer questions without fear or intimidation, inshaa'Allah.

By practicing Islam you benefit your children, and by having children they help you practice your Islam. Maintaining your outward Islam frees your mind and heart to nurture your inward emaan.

White Heart

2011-03-11T18:38:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Many years ago, while I was living in Bahrain, I had some Zamzam water. I saved it so that I could drink a little each day to break my fasts. Zamzam is for whatever you want or need it to be, so I would sit and make dua' over it to this effect.

"Oh Allah, give me the reward as if I were doing an Umrah and drinking this Zamzam at the well in Masjid al Haram. Oh Allah, wash away my sins, bad feeling, and any rust on my heart. As I drink, fill me with emaan, taqwa, sabr, sakina, wisdom, understanding and love for You, your Book, and your Messenger. Oh Allah, wash my heart clean and white. Seal my heart with this Zamzam water so that it stays clean and white, without blemish, until the day I meet You."

This dua' has changed slightly, as I now live in Madinah and have done several Umrahs, but the rest remains the same. One day, while I was working last year at Al-Fus-Ha Girls School, there was a presentation by some visiting deaf and dumb students in the theater/auditorium. I was seated and there were some balloons floating around for decoration. I left my seat to attend to something and when I returned, there was a white, heart shaped balloon right under my chair. I took the balloon and cried because there are no coincidences. At that moment, I was sure that Allah had heard my pleas and was giving me a sign of hope. The balloon has long since lost its air, but it is still a perfect heart shape.

To drag out the story, when we first went to Masjid al Haram after arriving here, I told my daughters to say the dua' for a white heart. Just a few weeks ago, my 4 year old was walking around our apartment and said, "I have a white heart." I was a bit surprised by her out-of-the-blue statement, so I asked her how she knew. She said, "I said that dua' over my Zamzam, Mummy. Allah has made my heart white until the day I meet him." Now that is absolute faith, mashaa'Allah.

Why am I typing all this to you? Because my daughter recently pulled the white heart balloon out of the box I keep it in and it reminded me. Also, because I want to remind you all that ALLAH can do ANYTHING. Just ask Him, beg Him, not just for the present situation, not just for Jennah al Firdaus, for EVERYTHING good and important. If He sends you tests, then know they are a means to attain what you have asked for...and have TOTAL FAITH in HIM.

Okay, I'm going to get my hankie now.

Tested? Here's the Deal...

2011-03-10T19:16:00.002+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

It do not usually post information on my blog that can be found on other websites. However, this is a subject so close to my heart that when I hear of anyone struggling with it or needing an understanding and outlook, I must share. I was honored to give a workshop in Philadelphia on, "After Hardship there is Ease." This is part of the material I used. I have highlighted in a different color certain hadith that actually make me feel happy, grateful, and totally blessed whenever Allah sends me a test. This gives me great hope; I hope it will do the same for you.

How to view Hardships?

Allah has decreed that, in this life, hardships and disasters strike both believers and non-believers. For a non-believer, they are inconveniences that hinder him from proceeding with his normal involvement in the worldly life. For a believer, on the other hand, they are instances of rest and remembrance, tests that promise great rewards, and indications of atonement and expiation of sins. Regardless of how little is the harm that strikes a believer, it carries with it good news of forgiveness and elevated rank (in Jannah). The Righteous Predecessors used to be pleased when a hardship afflicted them, seeing it as a token of Allah’s forgiveness and benevolence.

Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned. "Our Lord! Punish us not if we forget or fall into error, our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us (Jews and Christians); our Lord! Put not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Pardon us and grant us Forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Maula (Patron, Suppor-ter and Protector, etc.) (Surah Baqara Verse 286)

Expiations of Sins

Abu Hurayrah (RA) reported that the Prophet said: " Hardships continue to befall a believing man and woman in their body, family, and property, until they meet Allah (S) burdened with no sins. " [Tirmithee]

Sign of Allah’s Love
Abu Hurayrah (RA) reported that the Prophet (SAW) said: " Whenever Allah wills good for a person, He subjects him to adversity" [Bukharee and others]

Sign of Eeman
Abu Hurayrah (RA) and Ka’b Bin Maalik (RA) reported that the Prophet (SAW) said: " The parable of a believer is that of a fresh and moist plant; the wind tilts it this way and that way; and so is the believer; he continues to be subject to affliction. And the parable of a hypocrite is that of a firm cedar tree; it does not shake - until it is uprooted all at once." [Bukharee and Muslim]

Sign of Righteousness
The prophets and righteous people are afflicted the most, and their rewards are the highest. Sa’d (RA) reported that the Prophet (SAW) said: " The most in their suffering among the people are the prophets, then the best, then the (next) best. One is afflicted in accordance with his deen (faith). If his deen is firm his affliction is hard, and if his deen is weak, his affliction is light. Indeed, one would be so much subjected to adversity until he walks among the people without any sins. " [Ahmad, Tirmithee]

Early Punishment
Anas (RA) reported that the Prophet (SAW) said: " When Allah wills good for a servant of His, He expedites his punishment in this life; and when He wills retribution for a servant of His, He holds his sins for Him to judge him by them on the Day of Resurrection." [Tirmithee]

Multiplication of Rewards
Anas (RA) reported that the Prophet (SAW) said: " The amount of reward is in accordance with the amount of suffering. When Allah (SWT) loves some people, He tries them (with affliction). He who then is content (with Allah’s decree) has achieved the acceptance (of Allah), and he who is dissatisfied (with Allah’s decree) will attain the anger (of Allah)." [Tirmithee]

Rewards for Sickness
One should not look to sickness as a gloomy episode, but should remember the great good in it. It is one form of affliction with which Allah (SWT) tests His ‘ibaad (servants), giving them a
chance to acquire rewards, as was explained above, as is further emphasized below.

Removal of Sins and Elevation in Ranks
Abu Hurayrah (RA) reported that the Prophet (SAW) said: " Whenever a Muslim is afflicted by harm from sickness or other matters, Allah will drop his sins because of that, like a tree drops its leaves." [Bukharee and Muslim]

Abu Sa’eed al-Khudree (RA) reported that the Prophet (SAW) said: "A Muslim is not afflicted by hardship, sickness, sadness, worry, harm, or depression - even if pricked by a thorn, but Allah expiates his sins because of that. " [Bukharee and Muslim]

Sa’eed said, " I was with Salmaan (RA) when he visited a sick man in Kindah ( in Persia ), and he said to him: " Expect good because Allah (SWT) makes a believers sickness an expiation (for his sins) and a period of rest. However, when a disbeliever falls sick, he is like a camel whose owner ties it then lets it loose - it does not understand why it was tied nor why it was freed." [Bukharee]

‘Aishah (RA) narrated that once some pain afflicted the Prophet (SAW) causing him to suffer and turn about in his bed. she said: "Had one of us done this, you would have blamed him." He (SAW) replied: " An ailment is intensified for the righteous. whenever a believer is afflicted by a hardship, whether it is a thorn or more, a sin is taken off from him because of it, and he is elevated by one rank (in Jannah). " [Ahmad]

Retaining Rewards for Deeds Before Sickness
Usually, when a believer falls sick, he would not be able to do the same amount of good (prayer, fasting, helping Muslims etc) that he used to do when he was well. But Allah out of His great mercy, continues to record for him the good deeds that he was forced to stop because of his sickness. Abu Moosa Al-Ash’aree narrated that the Prophet (SAW) said: " For a traveling or sick person, his deeds will be recorded in accordance with what he used to do when he was resident or well." [Bukharee]

‘Abdullah Bin ‘Amr reported that the Prophet said: "No (believing) person gets sick, but (his deeds) will be recorded for him in accordance with what he used to do when he was well." [Bukharee] Anas (RA) reported that the Prophet (SAW) said: " No Muslims body is afflicted by Allah, but He will record (his deeds) foe him in accordance with what he used to do when he was well - as long as he is sick. Thus, if He takes his life, He forgives him; and if He cures him, He washes him (from sins)." [Bukharee]

‘Uqbah Bin ‘Aamir reported that the Prophet (SAW) said: "Each days deeds are sealed with it. thus, when a believer gets sick, the angels say, " Our lord! Your servant such and such, You have restrained him (from doing good this day)." And the lord replies, " Seal his day in accordance with his (usual) deeds, until he is cured or dies". [Ahmad]

Reason for the Reward
‘Atta Bin Rabaah reported that Ibn ‘Abbaas (RA) told him, "Do you want to see a woman from the people of Jannah (paradise)?" He said "Yes". He said: " It is this black woman. She came to the Prophet (SAW) saying, " I have (epileptic) seizures, and I get exposed, so supplicate to Allah for me." He (SAW) said: " If you wish, be patient and you will attain Jannah; or if you wish, I will ask Allah to cure you." She replied, " I will be patient ! But my body gets exposed (because of the fall), so supplicate to Allah for me that I do not become exposed." and he (SAW) did." [Bukharee and Muslim]

The scholars have differed in opinion as to whether a sick person will be rewarded for the sickness itself or for being patient during it. the correct opinion is that if he is patient and submits to Allah’s will, as in the above hadeeth, he would be rewarded for both the submission and the sickness, otherwise, he would not be rewarded at all; because he resented Allah’s decree. This is what should be understood from Ibn hajar al-’Asqalaanees words: "The authentic hadeeths are clear in that the rewards are recorded once affliction strikes a Muslim. As for patience and acceptance, they are virtues for which a person may get additional rewards over those for the affliction." ‘Abdullah Bin ‘Amr reported that the Prophet (SAW) said: "If a Muslim is pricked by (as little as) a thorn in the worldly life, and he seeks its reward from Allah, some of his sins will be removed, because of it, on the Day of Judgement."[Bukharee]

"True believers are only those whose hearts are filled with awe whenever God is mentioned, and whose faith is strengthened whenever His revelations are recited to them. In their Lord do they place their trust." (Chapter 8: Verse 2)

(By: Md Ziya)

How we react when faced with an affliction, with a really big test, is the most important aspect when it comes to reaping rewards from Allah, subhaana wa taala. Whatever the test is, the first words to utter are "Al hamdu l'Illah!" Or "Al hamdu l'Illah 'ala kully haal!" (All praise be to Allah for every matter!)

Being grateful for the affliction or test is the highest level of emaan. This is the state when a person thanks Allah for the affliction that has befallen him. He knows that such a difficulty is a means of expiation for his sins and perhaps a cause for an increase in his good deeds.

I have a jolly little rhyme which you might like to say sometime...

Hop, skip and jump with glee,
Allah, You've sent a test to me!
Alhamdu l'Illah! Grateful is me,
I'm basking in the Love from Thee!

Trust after Betrayal

2011-03-09T19:28:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

A reader asked for my take on how to you rebuild trust after repeated betrayals, so here it is - my own personal view.

When you have someone in your life that hurts you, commits indiscretions, or outright sins, and you come to a stage where you cannot trust them, don't. Not trusting someone doesn't mean you cannot live with them, enjoy time with them, love them. It simply means that you know certain of their weaknesses and cannot rely on them to overcome them. It does not mean that you don't encourage them or support them to overcome those weaknesses though. It doesn't mean that you give up hope and dua' for them, either.

There is a saying, expect nothing then everything will either meet or exceed your expectations. With our loved ones we don't want to think badly of them or expect them to do wrong, but getting over their betrayal lies in accepting their humanity and failings. Pray to Allah to keep bad feeling from your heart and replace it with understanding, mercy, and forgiveness. If you want or need to feel some kind of trust in that person, consider areas that they have always been consistent in and focus on them. However, there is no point setting yourself up for continuous disappointment or hurt by trusting them in the things they cannot be trusted with, when they haven't conquered their qareen/shayateen/nafs.

An example I can give is in raising children. You may have a child who tells lies. You may remind the child that this is wrong and even negatively reinforce the behavior (in other words punish them). You hope that the child learns and doesn't lie again. However, knowing the child's character, will you be surprised if the child lies again? Disappointed, probably but surprised, no. You know that lying is the child's weakness. There is, in my estimation, little or no difference with a spouse, parent, or friend. If one day you find that five years have passed and the child hasn't lied, perhaps you will find that over that time your trust in them has grown. It isn't something that needs work, it is something that happens naturally when there are no repeat offenses or they become very few and far between.

This is the direct opposite of what we are supposed to do with Allah, from Whom we expect the best because He is Perfection. My view is very simple: trust only Allah completely, not mere humans.

The "Keep Your Man Happy" Brownie Recipe

2011-03-08T16:30:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Here it is, the brownie recipe that my husband loves so much...and everyone else, for that matter. I'm typing the specific ingredients that I use, because I believe that treats should be delicious and good for you. If you substitute with variations, I don't know what the difference will be in the final product, but I don't think you can go wrong.

1/2 cup butter (organic if possible)
1 cup organic raw sugar

cream together, then add:

2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla (non-alcoholic/glycerin based or vanilla powder)

mix together, then add:

1/4 teaspoon sea salt
1/2 teaspoon aluminum-free baking powder
1/3 cup organic cocoa powder
1/2 cup organic wholewheat pastry flour/wholewheat/ white wholewheat flour

mix/beat until it is a smooth and uniform batter.

I bake the batter in muffin/cupcake baking trays so each brownie is a neat circle. Bake at 350F or 175C for about 20 - 25 minutes until done. This makes 12 thick, rich brownies.

Polgyny: How Honest Should You Be?

2011-03-04T17:26:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah waBarakatuh.

A sister sent this question to our Madinah Naseeha e-mail address and both my husband and I have decided to answer the question jointly and post it on both of our blogs. The question is, if a husband makes clear that he is seeking another wife and plans to practise polygyny, how honest should the wife be if she isn't happy about that? Should she stop being honest to keep the peace?

Honesty is extremely important, and the difference between people understanding you and your actions correctly or not, lies in how honest you have been with them about who you are and how you feel. That said, it is important not to harp on an issue

There is a big difference between accepting the prospect/reality of polygyny in your life and liking it. There is also a big difference between disliking it, feeling hurt by it, and fearing it and going against Allah's commands and your duties as a wife to become a source of rejection and fitna in it. This is another test, sent by Allah, to be dealt with in the best of manners.

Here is a possible response to a husband's question: "I don't like the prospect of polygyny in my life. If you'd like to know the reasons, I will explain more. However, I am a servant of Allah and plan to act with emaan and taqwa throughout this test and seek Allah's help and guidance." This opens the door for him to choose whether he wants to discuss it further and really hear your concerns or not and makes clear that your intentions are good, but you aren't at peace with the prospect of him taking another wife.

Another possible answer is: "I can't talk about it." This gives a clear message to the husband that you are not in a stage of her life where polygyny is easy for you to accept. Your feminine nature is in opposition to your spiritual nature. This is something that is not wrong, but part of the female psyche. We cannot fault a woman for not doing backflips at the prospect of having to share her husband, time, etc. If he is a thinking man, he will realize that taking another wife it is not the wisest thing to do at that time. Although it may be permissible, it is not wise at all.

If approaching him and asking him questions won't cause discord, ask him why he wants to practice polygyny. However please note, you must be prepared for the answers. It is important for both husbands and wives not to ask questions that they may not like the answer to, or cannot handle the truth about.

If he says that he wants to practice polygyny because it is Sunnah, kindly ask why he has chosen this Sunnah over the other Sunnahs. You may remind him that the Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, practiced monogamy for most of his married life, and didn't practice it until after Khadijah (radhi Allahu anhaa) died. That is also a strong Sunnah. All of his marriages set a precedent for the Ummah, were divinely inspired, or were benefiting and strengthening the Ummah through key affiliations. You may ask how your husband's prospective marriage will benefit the "little ummah," your marriage.

Lastly, the most important thing is to make sure that the dialogue is peaceful and that family life stays harmonious. If any of the above advice would cause any type of problem, throw it away - don't take it. However, if you believe it will benefit, please by all means, use it.

Polygyny and Life Update

2011-03-04T06:58:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Been a bit quiet over here, hasn't it? Well, when it's quiet there is usually a whole lot going on. It's taken all this time to manage to type something half reasonable! Here are the key developments in polygyny and life.

My mother informed me that she is disgusted with our polygyny situation, that my husband has insulted and disrespected me, that my self-esteem has flown out of the window, and that to her it is nothing better than prostitution. She says she put my husband on a pedestal as he was so wonderful with us, but now she's disappointed in him. All this communication surprised me, but Qadr Allah mashaa fa'al.

I understand how hard this must be for her to comprehend. She is 74 years old, not Muslim, and follows God by doing whatever seems right to her. Her judgement is based on her own lordship, not the word of The Creator. May God guide her to His Truth - ameen. However, it did surprise me and, of course, hubby and I are considering whether there is some way we can help her better understand it.

I have been facing unexpected behavior problems with my daughters, which I was initially so surprised by that I felt I was in a boat without any oars in the middle of the ocean, without GPS. Fortunately, my GPS arrived in the form of sakinah and guidance from Allah, subhaana wa taala. Now I'm relaxing into it all and preparing myself for a whole new "experience" of parenting, lol.

As for the polygyny, our schedule has changed. With maghrib prayer getting later and later and the change over time being 6:30 p.m., it was disturbing the bedtime of our two young daughters. I mentioned it and now the change over time is 5:50 p.m., so that dinner is at 6:00 p.m. and there is plenty of time for everyone to get to bed on time.

Hubby has Arabic classes 5 days a week from 7:00 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. This has made him a bit more elusive, LOL. To ensure that the children see him, he has now split the afternoon visit time between each home. In effect, between around 4:30 and 5:50, he will visit both homes so that he has seen everyone before dinner and going for his class.

Zainab has a new work schedule in which she works evenings from 5:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. This has a big impact on us all, because the normal schedule cannot be adhered to. Because she leaves around 4:30 p.m., she is not home for the step-children or for the family dinner on these nights...and not even for her visit time! This has resulted in me having the step children during the day almost every day. It has also resulted in me cooking dinner for all six of us almost every evening on alternate weeks when Saturday and Monday are my nights, and still the majority of the nights when they are not. I told hubby that I'm not feeling much like this is polygyny. I'm not getting any chance to miss him, LOL!

I didn't realize, when hubby said that Zainab worked and that polygyny would be an easy transition, exactly how true that was. Since Zainab has gone back to work, I'm not getting the time off I was enjoying and planning for in the early days. Of course, the upside of all this is that the children have dinner with daddy almost every night and there really isn't much chance for them to miss him. Such a mild start should make a gradual increase more natural if or when Zainab stops working.

As for the relationship with Zainab, it is going along well enough. We find a bit more to talk about as I have started selecting topics that will be easy to expand on. She came to the park for a multi-family cook-out and met some of our other friends. Everything is very foreign for her, so this is not an easy time in regards to adjustments, learning, and cultural differences. However, she is perfectly peaceable, polite, and pleasant so we have no problems at all. We exist in the same space easily, talk and laugh about general things here and there, and are basically happy wives in our own space, mashaa'Allah.

Simply Sunnah Blog

2011-02-27T12:43:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I have decided to open a new blog, called Simply Sunnah. As some of you know, I have been running groups about the Sunnah and also on returning to many of the natural ways of living that were modeled during the time of the Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam for a few years now. They were exclusively for women, but I have not maintained the most recent group regularly, so moving to a blog should make it easier and open it up to whoever may benefit.

I have put a first preparatory post on the blog. After that, I will include many different aspects about the Sunnah inshaa'Allah, with details, resources, and e-book recommendations. Inshaa'Allah, for those who are keen to learn and develop their understanding and emulation of the Sunnah, this will be a beneficial blog to follow.

Simply Sunnah

Surat Al-Fatiha

2011-02-26T20:03:00.002+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Many of you may have read the hadith Qudsi about Surat Al Fatiha, so I won't post it here. However, I was just pondering how the surah makes me feel. I've written all the English translations of the ayaat, rather than the transliteration.

When I say the first lines, I feel totally protected and under the care of my Creator; my existence was willed in this universe.When I say, "you alone do we worship, you alone do we turn for help," I feel that I have someone perfect to turn to and rely on; I feel secure and safe. When I get to, "guide us to the Straight Path," I feel desperate and I want to say it over and over again; I am aware of my extreme weakness and total reliance on Allah to keep me steadfast. Sometimes in the prayer, I repeat it two or three times before moving on. When I say, "the path of those who earn your pleasure and not of those who earn your wrath or have gone astray," I feel focused on the Goal; I see the path to Jennah and feel resolve against shaytaan. I come out of that recitation ready for the next battle, subhaan Allah.

We are told that half of the prayer is for Allah and half is for the servant, but subhaan Allah it is all a complete therapy session for the servant. When I read about the Quran being a spiritual cure, I can understand it more and more. It's better than a pep talk, deeper than a reality check, and more reassuring than a parent. No wonder it is called, "The Mother of the Book!" Subhaan Allah wa bi hamdihi, subhaana Rabbi al atheem!

How does it make you feel?

Polygyny Scenarios

2011-02-24T21:25:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykkum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

A dear sister posted these scenarios in a polygyny group that is no longer in existence. The situations can easily be perceived as negative or problems.... so I'm making lemonade with them. I have never faced any of these situations personally, but they are quite easy to envisage. These were my responses, which I pray are pleasing to Allah.

The family is visiting husband's non-muslim family. Somehow one wife ends up sitting right next to hubby, and there are no other seats nearby.
Qadr Allah wa al hamdul'Illah. I sit somewhere else, preferably beside someone I know and can talk to...a female relative or hubby's dad.

Being first wife, you have control of the bank account. when the new wife arrives what happens to your job as banker?

I would ask if he wants me to relinquish my “banking position,” or suggest that hubby sets up a separate joint account for them and allocates funds there so she can do the same for that home...or he can manage that account separately.

You and husband are invited to a dinner on the night of the other. The hosts don't want your entire family there. Now what?
Ask the hosts to reschedule for my night. Hubby might ask the other to change her night so we can go, if it can't work otherwise. After all, I'd do the same in a reverse situation.

You and co-wife are riding in the car and your cell phone goes off... it's him. When you're finished saying you're fine, etc what about the other sister? Do you give her the phone?
Yes, I give her the phone. Why not?

The husband told you he's on his way to a business seminar. You realize you haven't visited the sister in a while so you decide to go over since the husband is occupied with business.... so when you call to say you're on the way, guess who answers? Now what?

I would say, “Oh, sorry! I thought you were at the seminar and I was calling to arrange to visit my sister. Please forgive my intrusion.” Hey, Allah is the All Knower and Judge. He might have been there to say goodbye to her or make sure everything is in order in that home before he leaves. If he was lying and trying to deceive, then it is his account and I lose a few more sins from mine. Great deal really... About the time division, if that's how he is, he can stay there as long as he likes. Better to have LESS of the one who doesn't fear Allah or doesn't appreciate me.

The three of you want to go on hajj. How do you identify your selves? Wife, sister, friend?

Husband and wives.

You've got your kids and she has hers. When it's her time yours stay home with you. when it's your time, hers come with dad. No big deal?

Yes, big deal. This would depend GREATLY on how the children are raised. If they are on the same page as mine, well behaved, good adaab, akhlaaq, and iqraam and hubby is taking care of them primarily, then okay. If not, then not fair, not working, and no thanks. Also, totally monitored play with my children. I wouldn't want to feel any resentment that they were in anyway introducing bad habits or corruption to my children. I have enough of that from school! Better safe than sorry.

You've been wanting that ______ for the longest. Now finally hubby goes to the store with you, but he says he cannot afford that one, so you settle for another one that is smaller. A couple of weeks later you are invited to the other house, and what do you see? The ______ that you really wanted! No big deal?

Qadr Allah, ma shaa fa'al. Allah exposed the situation to me, but I don't know if hubby bought that for her or she bought it with her own money.It may have been a wedding gift. He may even have taken her and offered the less expensive model and she chose to pay the difference. If I thought badly of him about it, without looking at the possible circumstances, then I take a sin on myself. We need to think the best of others, not the worst...or even just okay thoughts. Allah is the judge, and if I have been unfairly treated, then mashaa'Allah, hubby's taking my sins for it so al hamdul'Illah! Things won't get me to Jennah, but a clean account will surely help inshaa'Allah!

You keep pining away for the kids that moved away. Your husband jokes that he'll just marry someone who can have more. Joke or hint?

Probably hint. Never forget, as with everything, it's about quality not quantity. It's a beautiful thing to have good children raised on correct knowledge and deep faith, but not just more children. To raise children well takes a great deal of time, effort, and patience. He may joke about it, but it won't be any laughing matter when he has to help raise those children....and if he doesn't help, he will suffer the consequences.

As for the wife who is no longer making babies, she no longer has those year long hormonal horrors that hubby has to deal with. She no longer has 40 days nifaas, and eventually, not even a menses to stop the relations mashaa'Allah. I long came to the realization that there are benefits in being past baby making years because you are always consistent and available...and offer a much more relaxing environment for hubby, mashaa'Allah. See, every side has it's benefits and attractive features. Qadr Allah, I must enjoy the benefits of my situation and make the most of them. I can live with being the retreat from crying babies and mayhem.

Repost:The Non-Muslim Sunnah

2011-02-22T15:07:00.000+03:00

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaikum wa Rahmat Allah.

Why are all the non-Muslims raving about the Sunnah?

What, you ask? Is there a group of non-Muslims that have learned about the Sunnah and love it? No. There are masses of non-Muslims who swear by living the Sunnah - but they don't know it is the Sunnah of our beloved Prophet. They just know it is the best way to live.

So, I ask you...why do they know and practice, and we don't?

Why is it that when you go to the doctor, they tell you to eat whole, unrefined grains, natural unprocessed foods, fruits, vegetables, and unrefined oils like olive oil? Sunnah food! We are warned day in day out about avoiding chemical-laden, refined and processed foods like white sugar, white flour, white rice, etc? Why are they telling us to use honey, which we have ahadith and Quran ayaat about? Why are they giving us tips about how to eat mindfully, when we have extensive ahadith about the etiquettes of eating that tell us these things?

Why is it that the Green Revolution is telling us to build houses out of earth, just as Rasool Allah (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) built the first masjid in Madinah? In the secular world, we are reminded that every day is Earth Day. In Islam, every day IS Earth Day because we have been given this earth as an amanah (trust) from Allah. They tell us not to use dangerous and harmful chemicals...subhaan Allah, it's as if they read the ayaat in the Quran "and do not destroy yourselves."

We turn up our noses at the "primitive" squat toilets used in the Middle East, but the west says that they are the healthiest toilets to use for proper elimination and even sell steps to use in front of western toilets to give the same effect of crouching. Subhaan Allah! We are even told that conventional toilets are a huge waste and pollution of water and composting toilets are the way to secure our earth's future.

Just go online and you will see articles and blogs about giving up material things, getting rid of the clutter. Non-Muslims are raving about the virtues and value of giving up unnecessary things to better appreciate what is important in life. So now, we have non-Muslims taking practical steps towards Az-Zuhd, when we are out shopping and filling our homes.

Non-Muslims are recycling, living for a year without throwing anything away to see how they can reduce their impact on the earth. They have gone back to the materials used in the time of the Prophet - iron, steel, glass, pottery - and shunned the plastic, aluminum, and teflon found to be so dangerous to our health. They even went back to the Sunnah in the materials they use - cotton, hemp, linen, wool, silk, leather, while we buy Japanese polyester abayas and thobes.

Frankly, I think we look a little foolish. What have we come to that the rest of the world is doing what was sent us by Allah, in the form of our Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) and his Sunnah, as the best example of how to live?

The Beauty of Cloth

2011-02-21T05:11:00.002+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaikum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Ever read a single hadith about anyone having a paper napkin, paper towel, tissue, toilet paper, disposable diaper, flushable tampon, or disposable sanitary pad in the time of the Prophet (peace be upon him)? Well, I'm waiting. What? You cannot believe it? There isn't anything about Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) wiping up the mess with Bounty Extra-Strong? Nothing about Sumayyah (may Allah be pleased with her) digging a hole for her Stayfree with Wings? I guess you get where I'm heading with this then.

During the time of the Prophet (peace be upon him), they used cloth for all these daily household and personal care things. The "green" movement has already gone back to using cloth because, after killing off and wasting so many natural resources, it has become an environmental issue. Most of us know by now that the diapers and sanitary pads stay in landfills and don't decompose. We are simply filling up the earth Allah (subhaana wa taala) has entrusted to us with najiss (filthy) waste. How do we turn this thing around?

Napkins: buy cloth napkins made from natural fibers such as cotton or linen. If you can, please buy them from a thrift or second hand shop like Goodwill. You will often find better quality and will put them to good use instead of them going to waste. You will also gain the reward of not spending more money than necessary, masha'Allah. Better yet, use those extra sheets or cotton shirts and make your own; after all it's just sewing around a square of cloth. Recycling is an important Sunnah... yet another discussion to get to! I have seen some beautiful napkins at yard sales, etc. and have collected them from here and there, masha'Allah. Some were given as gifts as well, so think of this when you need a gift idea for a sister insha'Allah. Now, we have a nice little basket with napkins folded up in it and whenever they are needed, they are on hand. They get thrown in the washing machine and are good to go again. We even take them with us on picnics with all our reusable plates, cups, and cutlery masha'Allah.

Paper towels: buy cloths to wipe up the spills or simply cut up old towels or absorbent t-shirts. When it comes to cleaning and wiping up spills, I have a big bag of cotton clothes that aren't fit for charity that I cut up and use. I never buy paper towels and the cloth is all natural cotton. Nothing beats a nice tube sock on the hand for wiping down cupboards and countertops...and since the odd socks keep turning up, our house is quite famous for our cleaning socks! When the cloth is dirty simply wash it, or if it is in a horrible state, throw it away. No more paper towel bills.

Tissues: buy cotton handkerchiefs. I'm stressing cotton because we really need to get back to natural materials. I strongly recommend you look in thrift stores and yard sales for these simply because the old ones are exquisite, masha'Allah, The embroidery work, the designs, the workmanship... all are outstanding. My mother had a big collection of handkerchiefs she was happy to share with us. I also bought a big lot from e-bay and distributed them to my children. The girls all know which ones are theirs because they each have different designs. The "men" of the house have their own as well. They are washed, returned and we never have a problem about running out of tissues.

Toilet tissue/paper: Small washcloth or hand size towels for drying oneself. Separate (color coded) ones for each family member. We use water to wash ourselves, so they are really for drying purposes only. This is one that, for most, is hard to implement with a big family, so I'm not stressing it.

Diapers: Get cloth diapers. That's the Sunnah, cloth. Get cotton, nice and absorbent, no allergy problems for your baby's behind, simply throw into a bucket with water and vinegar or baking soda, and throw in the washing machine every couple of days. You will never have to buy a disposable diaper again. I've done it, I can advise about all the ins and outs of making it easy, inshaa Allah.

Baby Wipes: Use small baby washcloths and a spray bottle of water with some aloe vera juice, a few drops of tea tree oil, and a 1/4 teaspoon of castille soap. Spray and wipe, then simply wash the cloths to be used again and again. Your baby will get used to being washed with water from day one, making istinjah a natural thing.

Sanitary pads: Hemp or cotton washable sanitary pads are comfortable, natural, and the Sunnah. Go read ahadith about it and you'll clearly see that the women simply used pieces of cloth to catch their menstrual blood. I bought mine five years ago, before I had my second daughter and I've never looked back since. They don't move around, they are comfortable and breathe, and mashaa Allah I haven't had to buy a single sanitary pad since that day. If you hate to see stains, then go for dark colors. For the sewing sisters, there are patterns online for ones with wings that you can sew up simply. You can even buy thick hemp knit material and just cut it to size. Looking for an even easier solution. Fold thick terry washcloths into three and use them. Believe me, it is simplicity itself. Just have a little bag to collect them in, wash them, and you are all set again.

Shopping Bags: Get strong canvas bags from thrift stores, freecycle, or hanging around your closet/basement and use them for your shopping instead of the plastic bags. They are stronger, can safely hold more, and not only save money but also the environment mashaa'Allah.

Mashaa'Allah, going back to some of the simple living of the sahabah not only brings about a healthier lifestyle, it also saves the earth, puts a stop to the huge waste we perpetrate every day, and eliminates many expenses. Remember that we must answer for everything we did in this life, including our wastefulness, extravagance, the part we play in polluting and destroying the earth, and the distance we have put between our lives and the life of our beloved Prophet (peace be upon him).

These are a Few of my Favorite Things....

2011-02-18T20:59:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I feel like I want to reach out and share a little of who I am with you all. I'd love to hear back from you with some of your favorite things, too.

Favorite blog: Tawheed First
Favorite websites: www.healthymuslim.com; www.care2.com
Favorite color: Green - from pastel mint, seafoam, and soft sage to olive, emerald, and forest....the color our our beautiful gowns in Jennah, inshaa'Allah.
Favorite environment: the rural countryside...far from the madding crowd and with a mountain to take my sheep to in these times of fitna.
Favorite houses: Cob houses...totally Sunnah!
Favorite author: Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah.
Favorite food: organic vegetarian - sorry but I like too many things to choose just one.
Favorite drink: Zamzam water
Favorite flower: Freesia
Favorite exercise: long, long walks
Favorite time of day: the two hours each side of fajr prayer (yes, I'm definitely a morning person, lol!)

A Quick Thought

2011-02-18T20:50:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaam alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

If you want to have patience about your life and future, look at your past.

It is in looking back at our past that we see how everything was part of a perfect orchestration. Not a single event occurred that didn't teach us something, change our life in some way, and contribute to who we are today. When we see how some of the most bizarre and unexplainable events have turned out, it puts everything in perspective. It all had value, it all had it's role and importance in our life, and at the end of it we are all still here... our hearts didn't stop beating, our world didn't end. Looking back and pondering all that we have been through makes it easy to have conviction about our present and sabr about our future.

Polygyny Update: Just Taking it Easy

2011-02-14T13:34:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaam alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Well, here we are about six weeks into the polygyny. How's it going, you ask? All's well, al hamdul'Illah. We have had three Family Friday's now, the second meeting we went to a restaurant for lunch which just wasn't a good atmosphere for getting acquainted. This past Friday we went to the park with a picnic. Hubby left us all to get set up and left for about 20 minutes to pick something up. That gave us some time to talk and, as it centered around the food, it was an easy conversation to have and quite comfortable. Certainly, once we started playing a game with our poof football, everyone was laughing and having fun.

I had set my mind to be very careful not to be overly familiar with hubby around Zainab, to show respect for her and not make her uncomfortable. I even made mental notes not to call him "habibi" or touch him when we are all together. However, Zainab was far more relaxed about it all, running for the ball and holding him around the waist to stabilize herself, even blowing him a kiss when we dropped her off at work. That has taken some pressure off me, as having more comfortable boundaries and less restrictions will make for a more natural relationship between us all.

The children are all benefiting from this set up. Our daughters have more one-on-one time with me, which is important now as they are developing their personalities and need more connections, more guidance, more course correction, and more love and nurturing. They spend more quality time with their father now, and I pray that continues - ameen. The step children are really enjoying the different atmosphere and lifestyle at Zainab's home, mashaa'Allah. It gives them a chance to express themselves differently as well, as they only speak in Arabic to Zainab and is a fresh ear for their interests and banter. My step-daughter is thrilled to have a step-mother and friend all of her own. This is, although temporary until Zainab has babies, a very important thing for her, as in our home she is always one of three girls and of four children with little personal attention - something she craves. Who's left? Hubby, of course...and he is very happy, wa al hamdul'Illah. Everyone has a piece of contentment and some needs filled with this situation, so it's really just a matter of us all striving to increase our knowledge and please Allah.

I am so happy with the arrangement that I don't want to ever go back to monogamy! I must say though that the pace is quick and I barely feel the benefits of my night off before it's my night again. I'm starting to think that a third wife would give me that extra time to really get well-rested well, LOL ;P

Interpreting Others: the Price and the Debt

2011-02-12T21:37:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

When your brother or sister in Islam says or does something and instantly a bad interpretation pops into your mind, think about the price and the debt.

We can so easily think of negative and ill-willed interpretations of others' words and actions, but where do those interpretations come from? They are, most surely, shaytaan's whispers. The price of thinking the worst is ill feeling, hurt, and a great deal of thought as to why they said or did something bad. It damages your relationship and makes you reconsider its value. It is work to be hurt or upset by someone. It is work to harbour bad feelings in your heart about someone. It is work to have enmity in your life. You also run the risk of misjudging or misreading what they said or did putting the sin of slander on your account.

'Abd Allah said, "Sometimes a victim of robbery will become so suspicious [of everyone around him] that he will become worse than the thief."* (Bukhari)

*In other words, his suspicions will lead him to doubt everyone until he has destroyed every one of his relationships.

Abu Huraira, r.a., reported that the Prophet of Allah, upon him be peace, said, "Be careful of suspicion, for it is the most mistaken of all speech. Do not spy on others, compete among yourselves, envy one another, or despise one another. Rather, be servants of Allah and brothers!" (Bukhari and others)

However, the price of taking the good interpretation is actively seeking and finding some good and/or benefit in what they said or did. It also means forgoing bad feelings about that person and focusing on all the good you know in them. It isn't hard work and it doesn't cause you pain, ill feeling, or damage the relationship.

The debt you have to the person who said or did that thing is to find a good interpretation. You are not supposed to be looking for faults in them.

It was narrated from ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) that he said: “Do not think badly of a word uttered by your brother, when you can find a good interpretation for it.”

Although considered weak hadith, there are a couple of narrations that I always have in my mind.

From the words of Hamdun al-Qassar, one of the great early Muslims..

"If a friend among your friends errs, make seventy excuses for them. If your hearts are unable to do this, then know that the shortcoming is in your own selves [ibid]"

And the words of Imam Jafar as-Sadiq , “If you find see something you don’t like in a brother, try to find 1-70 excuses for him. And if you can’t find an excuse, say ‘There might be an excuse, but I don’t know it.’ “

When you take the bad interpretation, you cannot fulfil your debt to Allah...

'Abd Allah reported that the Prophet of Allah, upon him be peace, said, "A believer is not a fault-finder and is not abusive, obscene, or coarse." (Bukhari)

Why are we commanded to find excuses and take a good interpretation? Because if we take the good and the person intended it as good, then we have strengthened the trust and bonds of brotherhood/sisterhood with them. If the person intended something bad by what they said or did, and we look for the good interpretation, we give them da'wah. Nothing brings inner shame to a person more than knowing themselves that they are not worthy of another person's esteem and positive interpretation of their actions. We give them an example of how beautiful their intentions could be, and how we trust and expect them to be. Nowadays it has a fancy term called empowerment. This is psychology at its finest. Never forget, Allah created Freud, Bandura, Adler, Jung, Maslow, etc. but He has the most perfect and intimate knowledge of His creation and how to bring them to the good.

Subhaan Allah wa bi hamdihi, subhaana Rabbi al atheem!

News Flash on Fear and Hope

2011-02-07T16:54:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I'm in the middle of mopping the kitchen floor, but I had this thought and had to share. I have always been told that Islam is a balance between fear and hope. I was thinking about my prayers and how I have never intentionally missed a prayer in my almost 23 years of being Muslim, mashaa'Allah. This is because there is no option for me - the prayers are fard (obligatory). For everything that Allah has said is fard upon His servants, I understand that there are no ifs or buts, I MUST do them. Here is where it all starts to make sense. I have fear of Allah's punishment and not getting to Jennah for the things that are fard upon me. My fear, more than anything, prevents me from not fulfilling those obligations.

However, for my Sunnah and nawafil prayers and actions, I do them out of love and hope. I think, with every extra dhikr, prayer, smile, gift given, or thing baked that this might be the one thing that tips my scales to the right-hand side. This might be the one thing that elicits Allah's Mercy to enter me into His Jennah. This might be the one thing that elevates my rank to something close to my perfect and beloved Rabb's countenance. That's what drives me to do that little extra, give that little more, go the extra mile,

Subhaan Allah, it took 23 years to get my own perspective on fear and hope! Okay, back to the mopping.

Prayer: The Price and the Debt

2011-02-05T21:49:00.002+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

When you're tired and the adhaan for fajr goes, and you waver about whether to drag yourself up and pray or just stay in bed... consider the price of the prayer.

You will have to get out of your bed, go to the bathroom, make wudhu, and then perform the prayer. It may take as little as 5 to 10 minutes of your time.You can pay the price of the prayer in those few minutes and, in turn, honor your debt to Allah....and to yourself, because the prayer is for your benefit. Your day starts with a feeling of peace and accomplishment.Once finished, if you are still tired you can go back to bed and rest easily, knowing your debt has been paid.

However if you stay in bed, you will get up later knowing that you intentionally missed a prayer - something that Allah has commanded you to perform on time . The thing you will first be questioned about on The Day of Account. The price you have to pay for not praying might add up to this. You may have a weight of guilt somewhere inside you because you haven't done what Allah has commanded you as obligatory. You may seek forgiveness from Allah and be disappointed in yourself for your lack of discipline and giving in to shaytaan's whispers. You may make up the prayer later, but you know that it doesn't bear the same reward as praying it at it's designated time, in obedience to Allah's call. You may even fall into despair, losing respect and hope in yourself. You may put internal pressure on yourself to resolve to pray all your prayers on time in the future. That's a lot of stuff. You are in a state of deficit - because in making this choice, you pay a high price and you don't fulfill your debt to Allah or yourself.

But if you take the easy path, you will simply get up straight away, make wudhu and pray. If your tired, you can always go back to bed. After all, for the price of 5 or 10 minutes of your time, you will have none of the headache, heartache, or guilt to deal with. Isn't 5 minutes of prayer easier than the weight of your status with Allah?

So I say to you all, when you are wavering, take the easy path....for it leads to success.

Costs and Debts

2011-02-05T06:25:00.001+03:00

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Everything has a price. We pay a price for getting married and a price for staying single. A price for having children and a price for having none. A price for following Allah and a price for following our desires.

Everyone has debts. Debts to Allah, to the earth He has placed us on, to the body entrusted to us, to the parents who bore and raised us, the family who demand their rights of kinship, spouses, children, the community, employers, teachers, etc.

When considering any matter, it is important to consider its price and the debt you have to it. Can you afford the price? Can you honor the debt?

This is the precursor for a short series of posts, inshaa'Allah, that will focus on cost and debt analysis in our lives. Bi ithn Illah, it will help us make intelligent decisions on a day to day basis.

Polygyny: Allah's Reward in My Life

2011-02-01T12:12:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, I am so happy with my new life I just have to say, "WHEE!" Since my time division began a couple of weeks ago, I have been enjoying that extra "me" time and more relaxation. With our school break upon us, Allah has opened up a new door for me that I'm calling, "The Socialization and Sisterhood Door." Having my free nights, means I can invite my friends over for the evening and have a really good time. Last night I invited a dear friend and her daughter to spend the evening. We had a little cooking class (bread dough) and made pizza and sweet rolls. We talked about things we never had time to touch on before. We were relaxed and unpressured...no men in the other sitting room asking for tea, dessert, or any of that. No problem if we laughed, shouted, or screamed. Pure, unadulterated, free, girly time!

Not only that, I was contacted by the most famous blogger in Madinah, mashaa'Allah, and today we female bloggers in Madinah are meeting for the first time at Masjid an Nabawi! I'm so excited that I have a batch of organic but super-fattening brownies in the oven right now to take to the event. Whee!

Friday my daughters and I are going for dinner at a friend's, who lives around the corner and next week I'm lining up a couple of other invitations for some girly gatherings, inshaa'Allah. I know this is just some maximization of fun during the school break, but it is so refreshing!

Even once we are back at school, I'll always have one night free each weekend to possibly do something fun.
During the week, I'll be able to focus on my studies without so much distraction from the mundane chores and attending to other people's needs.

When I think of hubby still in the "getting to know you" stage with so many cultural differences and communication barriers in his other home, I realize that I'm the one who has it easy. Some sisters have commented that being polygyny is like being a girlfriend instead of a wife. Well, that's not exactly true because you are supported and live like a wife. What it really does is make you look forward to your time together and make much better use of it. You plan your time, more like lovers do, rather than just take everything for granted. It brings a newness and freshness to the relationship, and a whole new appreciation. A little bit of absence does make the heart grow fonder...because those annoying things aren't under your nose all the time. It's amazing how easy it is to only show your good side when you aren't under the magnifying glass every single day.

I think we women get so caught up in our families that we often neglect time for ourselves, our own friendships, the bonds of sisterhood, and the connections with family and new friends that we want to make. When we include that aspect in our lives, we are much healthier, happier, and satisfied. We rediscover a part of ourselves that is critical for our well being. I know that Allah sent polygyny to me because He knows I will benefit from it, and that I needed those benefits in my life. I feel like I've been given a huge gift, wa al hamdu l'Illah! Believe me when I tell you that when you welcome whatever Allah sends to you, He rewards it with goodness and blessings, opening new doors that you might never have imagined.

Polygyny - Realistic Expectations?

2011-01-29T20:36:00.001+03:00

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Often the subject comes up about why single, childless women marry into polygyny. I often wonder if men seriously consider how important it is to portray the reality to the prospective wife. We hear so many stories of someone marrying a married man and then complaining or disliking certain aspects that were obviously going to exist from the beginning.

Why is it important for the prospective wife to know about the current wife and her views on polygyny? Because if the current wife doesn't accept polygyny, she needs to know. She needs to know from the outset that there is an issue of weak emaan, which WILL be a source of fitna and problems. It may just be contained by the husband, meaning that he doesn't allow her to slander, backbite, harass, or interfere in the second wife's life. However, it will take it's toll on the husband because he will have to handle all the stress and conflict in his home. If it isn't containable, then the next wife needs to be prepared for an onslaught of fitna. Not fun, not easy, and not necessary.

Whenever I considered polygynous proposals, one question I always asked early on was how the existing wife felt about it all. If I were to even consider it for second, I'd have to know she was all right with it. If I were to continue down that path, I'd have to meet with her prior to even praying istikhara so I had a clear idea what I was getting into and so did she. I am definitely a proponent for meeting each other beforehand. As a first wife, much of the discomfort and unease about polygyny comes from the unknown. Seeing the reality of your prospective co-wife can put many hearts at ease, because if she is truly good, you will not fear her and you will have an optimism from the beginning, based on reality, that you can make it all work. On the flip side, if she really doesn't seem genuine or a good fit, then at least there is a chance for both to realize that and perhaps warn the husband before it is too late. Worst case scenario if you have reservations about her, at least you can set up ground rules, take precautions, and be on your guard from her fitna.

The biggest factor in women's expectations of polygyny is the men. Men need to be REAL. It really doesn't help in the long run to sugar coat things. Tell the prospective bride how it will really be. Tell her, "You are going to sleep alone every other night. You are going to eat alone a lot of the time. You will have to find beneficial things to occupy your time and draw closer to Allah. My children take priority...because they don't have to share me.You will not have more time, more preference, or more money that the other wife. Do not imagine that I am only having marital relations with you or only find you attractive. I am still her husband. Just as you and I are an "us," so are her and I...and we've been an "us" for some years! You will have to respect her just as she will have to respect you. Never speak badly of her, because she is my wife.

My husband told me that one highly recommended prospect for marriage was almost about to go through with it and suddenly one day said she'd just realized she would sleep alone every other night! What was she thinking all along? This, and so many other events that take place after the nikah, lead me to think that prospective additional wives, especially the single ones, are simply not looking at the big picture realistically.
I think that being honest with them and giving them a realistic idea of what their life will be like, will help them make an informed decision and also prevent a lot of marriages that are destined to fitna and failure.

I wonder if men spend so much time trying to promote the positives of polygyny, because they want it so badly, that they pass by the aspects that aren't every woman's dream. It appears that they often only promote the positives to themselves as well and are ill-prepared for the realities that polygyny holds for them, too. It is omissions like those that come back and bite everyone in the bottom!

Off to a Good Start in Polygyny

2011-01-27T09:23:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I can only speak from my perspective, but here are some of the things that are making our transition into polygyny a happy and beautiful thing:

fairness, equality, and taqwa.

My husband is determined to get a "A" on his polygyny report card this time, mashaa'Allah. May Allah guide him to that reality - ameen. So, how does that work practically? Check out our days...

The time division is set up so that everyone gets to see him and spend time with him every day, bi ithn Illah. Whether working or not, from 4:00 p.m. -6.30 p.m., or from Asr to Maghrib, he visits the home that he will not spending the night. For us, he comes and sits with us, has some tea perhaps and snack, plays with the little ones and catches up on whatever is going on. He is affectionate, playful, and spends time sitting with me talking in English, LOL. I might mention what I'm planning for dinner or he might mention something for us to do together the following night. In this way, we have something to look forward to on our next night together. Then from 6:30 p.m. he goes to the other home.

I usually take these opportunities to get an early night's sleep. These are the nights I might put henna on my hair, do a little self-maintenance, and come up with all kinds of ideas for new posts for this blog, lol. The following day, he will usually pop in to see us during his day and later on, at 6:30 p.m. he is here for the night.

Now he is laying the ground rules, mashaa'Allah. These things have naturally been in place for me, but he is making sure they are established for Zainab as well, so we are all on the same page.

Here are some points that are relevant.

Because he spent a lot of time away from us during the set-up phase of his new marriage, when he has some extra time in the day he spends it here to make up for the time gone, mashaa'Allah.
Something delayed him at Zainab's and he didn't leave her until 6:40 p.m. three nights ago. The following day when I mentioned he needed to go as it was already 6:30 p.m., he said that he owed us ten minutes and didn't leave until 6:40 p.m, mashaa'Allah.
When he was asked to drop Zainab at a friend's home, which would have meant he would have to leave us later in the night to pick her up again, he refused saying it wasn't fair, mashaa'Allah. We are not to ask for things that will take away from the other family's time with him.
He has said that there are no casual phone calls to chat to him on the other wife's time. He is ensuring that our time and privacy with him are respected. For anything important, we can always send a text. A phone call is only warranted if it's an emergency.
He plans nice things for our nights, and he's making sure I really enjoy my nights with him, mashaa'Allah.
He is focusing on the children's needs, and making an effort to address them and provide fun, healthy, and beneficial activities for them, mashaa'Allah.
Just as the step-children stay with me for the whole day when he was with us the night before, so do they stay at Zainab's during the day when it was her night.
He is assessing everyone in the family to ensure we are all on a path for learning and improvement, mashaa'Allah, and setting a study plan for each of us.
Knowing that he has a certain amount of money he has to spend on me, to be balanced with what he spends on Zainab, he makes a point to buy things that will be of benefit and suit my needs and priorities. This is not an easy thing, because I dislike materialism and having anything I don't need or use. Just this week, when I dropped my phone and it fell apart, he bought me a phone that matches his, with Quran, an Arabic/English dictionary, and Arabic texting capabilities, mashaa'Allah.

He is taking seriously the fairness and equality aspect so he doesn't meet Allah with one side dragging. It is living proof that if one follows the bounds set by Allah regarding polygyny, it can work for everyone.

The Irresistible!

2011-01-26T07:04:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Whenever people ask me what I like best about Islam, I say that it is the most incredible incentive scheme I have ever seen. I studied psychology in college and wanted to laugh out loud when I learned about applied behavioral analysis and token economy. They are, without a doubt, showcased to perfection in Islam. Man may have come up with a label for these psychological approaches, but they are Divine Strategies of Our Creator.

I know, I know...I've put out plenty of other posts about reaping rewards from our actions and outlook: Reach Out Today, Make that Call, Have Mercy, Laughter and Tears, Trudging or Skipping, etc. I just cannot get over how much Allah, through His incredible messages, draws me like a magnet to what pleases Him!

I'm not quoting hadith and Quran for the benefits mentioned below; you can find them easily yourself and I don't want this to be a book. I am just giving an example of a few of the incentives from Allah...literally a drop in the ocean of all He offers us for doing simple things.

Good Deeds:

Do one good deed and Allah will record it as ten or more (up to as many more good deeds as He wills).
Just think of doing a good deed, without even doing it and you get the reward for doing it.
Do a bad deed and Allah records it as just one.
The good deeds erase the bad deeds.

Quran Recitation and Prayer:

Don't despair if you don't know enough Quran to recite half of it in a night, recite Surat Al Zilzalah and it is equal to half the Quran.
If you want the reward of 1000 ayaat, recite Surat al Takathur.
Surat Al Ikhlas, one of the shortest and easiest suwar to learn, is equal to 1/3 of the Quran.
You cannot stand for the whole night in prayer? Wake up for tahajjud sometime in the last 1/3 of the night and recite the last 10 ayaat of Surat al Imran and you will have the reward of standing the whole night in prayer.

Looking for a good "deal"? Check out the Rewards for Dhikr chart !

Subhaan Allah, just say His name and see what you get!

From Abu Sa`id al-Khudri, the Prophet (saw) said:

"No people mention Allah but the angels surround them, mercy covers them, tranquility descends on them, and Allah mentions them to those who are with Him." (Muslim, at-Tirmidhi)

Subhaan Allah, Allah makes His servants desperate to do good! Isn't it all simply irresistible?

Is he really trying to hurt you?

2011-01-24T21:16:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaam alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Time and again sisters raise the issue of the hurt involved in polygyny. They often consider their husbands to be oblivious or insensitive to their pain. However, I ask you to think about the man you are married to. Does he purposely try to hurt you? Does he revel in your pain and misery? Does he smile with glee when you show confused hurt and heartbreak? If you can answer no to those questions, then don't imagine it is any different for polygyny.

For those of you with children, when you had your first child and formed that incredible bond of love with them, could you ever conceive of hurting them? So, what happened when you decided to have a second child? Did that mean you no longer loved the first, or loved them less? Yes, having the second child will take time away from the first, but did you have the second child to hurt the first child and cause them misery? Surely, no. Allah guided you to make a decision to have more children. Allah blessed you with more children.

Just so, Allah guides a husband to have another wife. Just so, Allah writes who that other wife will be. Just so, Allah writes what lessons and benefit he, and you, will derive from that other wife. It isn't done to hurt you; it is done as part of the Master Plan. Allah has sent this to him, just as much as He has sent it to you. Your husband is trying to find a way to follow what he is guided to, and also prevent your pain and reassure you of his love. It's not easy... for anyone.

I could write more, but I want to get this post out. I wrote this in a comment on a different post (thanks, Umm Salwaa), but it deserves it's own space. It's not about what others do to you, it's about how you react. Allah sent it all and it's all to bring us to a better place in relation to Him. This is not exclusive to the wives! The husbands are taking on a lot, and it is not easy for them to cause pain and heartache to the woman they naturally want to protect from hurt and harm. Do you really think they would do it, and put you through it, if it wasn't clear to them from Allah?

Don't question the nature of creation, just take whatever comes and own it. Accept it as especially yours, from ALLAH not your husband, sent as a test and a blessing.

Disclaimer: This post is about the good, practicing, Allah-fearing husbands, not the players who wouldn't know taqwa if it was the only word in the dictionary.

First Meeting, First Impressions

2011-01-21T22:28:00.001+03:00

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

For those of you following this polygyny soap opera, lol, my co-wife, Zainab and I have finally met. It was after Jumuah prayer and hubby picked up some take away, picked up Zainab and then the girls and me, and took us all to the park for a picnic lunch.

I had already decided on a seating configuration, with me sitting in the far back of the minivan between my two daughters, my two step-children sitting in the middle row, and Zainab sitting in front with hubby. That works well for me, because I can have a relaxing time with my girls and Zainab can enjoy sitting next to hubby. However, hubby had a different configuration in mind. He had all the girls sit in the back, Zainab and I sit in the middle row, and kept his son (my stepson) in the front seat. Mr. Diplomacy, mashaa Allah. I've sat next to him for over 8 years, and I really feel happy to let Zainab have her time sitting up front, but never mind. It's all good and this is more fair. I know hubby is thinking about how he can make sure he isn't unbalanced in anything.

So, I'm sure you are all wondering if I liked her. I don't know how to answer the question, but I can say that I didn't have an instant dislike to her, wa al hamdu l'Illah. However, we didn't just "click" as I have done with many other Saudi/Arab young sisters since I've been here. Perhaps the situation made that more difficult. It is always difficult when first impressions don't fit with a preconceived idea. Zainab didn't dress or cover as I would have expected, especially considering we live in Madinah, Saudi Arabia. Zainab didn't look as I had expected, although her body and height were spot on. We didn't find anything to talk about and language was a bit of a barrier. The children barely spoke, just taking her in and forgetting to try to speak in Arabic. We kept resorting to English, which was terrible because it was excluding for her, but we just couldn't communicate some of it in Arabic. That is going to take some serious time and practice.

I'm sure she felt a bit shy and uncomfortable being the newcomer amongst us all. Especially as the children were all there and the reality of hubby's "family" was in front of her. We came away knowing that we both like rain, Zainab doesn't like the cold, and that the weather was lovely. My husband was eager to please, checking to see if she was all right, the food was okay for her, or if she needed anything, mashaa'Allah. After we ate, and I mentioned what I had to do for my Arabic test tomorrow, I realized that she didn't have a level of Arabic for our formal Arabic studies. No biggie, as I wasn't expecting her to be my teacher anyway. After that, having nothing in my mind that I could conceive of talking to her about and not wanting to miss such a golden opportunity, I excused myself and went to the swings. Now that was the highlight of the whole trip! I swung high, felt free as a bird and exhilarated, and truly enjoyed my park visit!.

So, that's it. We have met. She has seen my face, I've seen hers, and we know who hubby is with on the night he's not with us. He has taken his children (my step-children) with him tonight, as it is her night. He said before he left, "Now you can enjoy your party." LOL. He knows we enjoy our time without them! Now the girls are sleeping and I'm about the go to bed too. I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep, because tomorrow morning at 7:00 a.m. hubby should be here to take us to school...and I have my end of semester tests. All in all, I am extremely happy and content wa al hamdul'Illah.

Why I'm Grateful to my Co-Wife

2011-01-20T21:14:00.003+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Let me first say that I haven't met my co-wife yet. When that happens, inshaa'Allah I will post about it. However, I want to address why I'm grateful to her. Her specifically? No. To any co-wife my husband chooses, as long as she is pleasing to Allah.

There many things a husband and wife learn about each other in a marriage. Some of those things, once learned, change how we view our spouse. Some may cause us to avoid certain situations or scenarios. Some may even give us an aversion to something. Although they can be forgiven, mistakes, weaknesses, or serious actions disliked by Allah cannot be erased. A glass, once broken, cannot be put back together perfectly.

Over the years, some glasses have been broken in our relationship. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this is normal in any relationship. It may depend on personalities and the nature of the issues involved as to whether it has much affect on a marriage or not. Is it a bad thing for glass to be broken? No, it is Allah's Qadr and comes to bring something to light that needs to be taken into account, or to change something in the relationship. Sometimes Allah reveals things to us, for our particular situation, so we are forewarned and can act accordingly. Knowing certain things about my husband enables me to approach him in ways specific to his situation and steer clear of certain situations that I know will be a fitnah.

My co-wife doesn't have any of that history. She may, inshaa'Allah, never know the things I know about our husband. She may, inshaa'Allah, never have the experiences I've had. No glasses are broken yet. Of course, some glasses will break...that is the nature of relationships. However, they may not be the same glasses that broke with me. With a fresh outlook, she will not have the inclination to avoid certain things or any aversions. She will give her all, innocently, without bad memories or previous knowledge to cause her to hold back. She will fill in the gaps, those I simply cannot fill. She will, inshaa'Allah, welcome the side of my husband I don't welcome. She will give him the things that are missing from me.

Now, I have a favorite supermarket (Wholefoods) and I prefer to shop there most of the time, but there are always some things I need that I cannot get from there. So I also go to Trader Joes to get the balance of the things I need. That's how I see all of this. Having a co-wife is pure benefit for me...because while he is happy with her and appreciative of what she gives him, he is also happy with me. Any resentment or disappointment he may have harbored for me because of me not fulfilling his every want, or not providing an environment for him to freely express certain sides of his personality, will be gone because he has those needs fulfilled now.

Because of my co-wife, my husband is happier. Because of her, my family has more structure in our daily schedule and his allocation of time. Because of her, my husband is nicer, more loving, and more appreciative of me. Because of her, he is more generous with us. He has a chance to miss the children and I. He has a chance to look forward to those things he loves in our home...and to see me in a whole new light. Because of her, the weight of raising two step-children is going to be lightened inshaa'Allah. And because of her, we will have more time to focus on what's important and making the most of our time, when my husband is home and when he is away.

In honesty, it isn't important for us to be great friends...it is just important that our husband reap the benefits that Allah has placed in her for him.

The Beginning of our Time Division

2011-01-19T16:19:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

We have been waiting for everything to be in place so that the wedding parties (one for women and one for men) could take place and hubby and co-wife could move into their apartment and start their life together.

Finally, Sunday night was the start of our new life in polygyny. Well, sort of. It was the wedding party for the women, so hubby was running around getting things bought and delivered for the event. He was very tired, was up most of the night, and had to take us to school at 7:00 a.m. in the morning. Needless to say, he spent his first day with his new bride and, after catching up on some sleep, called in the evening to check on us.

The second day, we were all off from school and that spells "opportunity" to me! I asked hubby, through Skype, if we could take a walk to the mall in the morning. We got the go ahead, so off we went. These are the things that just don't happen when he is home. We don't get to walk places, explore, do things in our own time. The children ran along, happy to expend energy and all of us enjoying the beautiful weather. We had a nice mooch around the mall and I found beautiful cotton sundresses for SAR25, which is about $9 (UK pounds 4.50) and we enjoyed some fresh air and exercise. We came home, had some homemade pizza and french fries for lunch and hubby came over to drop off some fruit and check in on us. A short while later, while all the children were doing their homeschooling, I heard a pitter patter. Rain! We rushed to get dressed and go out in it. It didn't last long though, and we didn't get to walk around in it, Qadr Allah, but seizing the moment was exhilarating in itself . We ate organic garlic and pesto angel hair spaghetti (that hubby doesn't much like) for dinner with a nice salad.

By the third day, today, hubby had to drop us off to school and pick us up. He hung around for a while, playing with the girls. He is having the men's walima party tonight. What am I planning? A dinner of Yorkshire pudding, roast potatoes, vegetables, and stuffing...with gravy! If you're wondering if I forgot the meat, I didn't. I don't eat it, so I'm making a dinner that wouldn't work well with hubby but works well for us.

So here I am, the third day after hubby finally moved into his new home with his new wife. This is, supposedly, a very difficult time. Sisters think that these nights without him, knowing he is with another woman, must be very hard or, at least, something to "get through." Really though, they were just the same as any other night. I was happy to get to bed, happy to wake up, happy to fast on Monday, happy to go to school, happy to eat dinner, and happy to communicate with my friends and family. In fact, nothing happened to me to make me unhappy, with the exception of some of the frustrating and testing aspects of parenting, especially step-parenting. However, that has nothing to do with the time division, so it doesn't count.

I feel ecstatic about rediscovering our own stride with this time division. We can start walking again, we can have the spontaneity that isn't usual when hubby is home, and we can enjoy things that we particularly like. We also have the benefits of the activities and things that we do especially with him. Tomorrow, he will drop us off at Masjid An-Nabawi so we can make ziyaarah (visit the Prophet's grave and give salaams to him (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam), Abu Bakr and Omar (radhi Allahu anhumaa) and pray in the Rowda, inshaa'Allah. After dhuhr prayer, he's taking us to the park, and on Friday we all go to the jumu'ah prayer and have lunch together. We can enjoy freedom with him and freedom from him.

So, what is the point? My world isn't any worse. My world isn't the same. Everything in my world is fine, happy, and actually better, wa al hamdu l'Illah!

When Things go "Wrong" in Polygyny

2011-01-14T17:39:00.002+03:00

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I have mentioned before that we had a polygynous experience two years ago that did not work out. It was a real mess and shaytaan was pretty much dancing a jig every day. Qadr Allah, maa shaa fa'al! It was a time when I was truly tested and I came to some serious truths that made everything that came afterwards seem insignificant.

When the problems escalated, friends would tell me that I needed to safeguard my rights and be ready with a contingency plan. In other words, if things continued to deteriorate, that I should walk away from the marriage. To this advice I responded, "Getting my rights isn't important, Jennah is. This might be my entrance ticket in more ways that one. If I bear the situation with patience, Allah will reward me for my conduct, elevate my rank in Jennah, expiate my sins, and set things right in the dunya as well. If I was being treated unjustly and wrongly accused of bad intentions, then my sins would be given to my abuser or accuser. If I was truly oppressed, then my dua' has a straight express lane to Allah."

I must expound on the part about not placing great importance on my rights. Just last week, my husband was telling me about a talk he had with a student from the Islamic University of Madinah. The student had been asking a religious scholar where does he draw the line about getting his rights. In a nutshell, the scholar told him, if you don't take your rights from the people in this life, they will be presented before you on the Day of Resurrection. You will have the option of either stopping to demand your rights from them, or skipping that step and going directly into Jennah. It's up to you, whether you want to stop first or not. Subhaan Allah, can you imagine bothering for one minute about those things when the gates to Jennah are right in front of you? Who cares about those rights? Allah is The Fair, The Just, The Balancer, The One to take Retribution. Those people will still have to answer for what they did. But the one who bypasses them for the greater goal just gets higher and higher ranks for his sacrifice.

There are no coincidences. Hearing this was amazing for me, because that was exactly what I had come to 2 years ago! I didn't care about demanding my rights, I just wanted that entrance...smooth and easy, bi ithn Illah, into Jennah...at any cost.

As for the possibility of being oppressed, the dua' I made to Allah, in the early hours of the morning in tears and desperation, was this:

"Oh Allah! If I am oppressed, please draw my husband to You. Please make him love what You love and hate what You hate. Please make clear to him the best course of action for both marriages.

Oh, Allah! Please draw my co-wife to You. Please make her love what You love and hate what You hate. Please make clear to her the best course of action for her marriage.

Oh Allah! Please protect our children from the hurt and harm that the fitnah of this situation may cause them. Please make me an anchor for them, and guide me to act for their safety and well-being.

Ya Rabbi, please set right all my affairs and give me clarity on the best way to conduct myself! "

The dua' I said the most was the one for my husband. I realized that the better my husband is and the closer he is to Allah, the better he will be to us all. Islam turns a tyrant into a khalifah, therefore if my husband was being tested or misguided then it could surely bring him to right guidance. I knew that the only hope for my children to have a father who is a good role model, was to beg Allah to bring him out of the fitan (plural of fitnah) of the situation and increase him in emaan, taqwa, and understanding.

I share this with you all so those of you who struggle may have some inspiration. More than that, I share it so you can better understand why I welcome polygyny - the good and the bad of it - because it has brought me so far and been of such a huge benefit - even failed polygyny!

We really should...

2011-01-12T16:38:00.002+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I read a post, "Eating His Cake and Having Hers?" on another blog recently, which has triggered this post. It was an article about polygyny written by a man, explaining the various reasons men seek polygyny. It was an attempt to open up channels of communication on this ever touchy subject, and I pray Allah rewards him for that - ameen. However, some sisters commented with nothing but derogatory statements, which put a damper on anyone who might have wanted to expand on the positive side. In effect, they said that men should lower their gaze, men are self-serving, and men should have more control over their desires rather than jump on the polygyny bandwagon.

Okay, I agree! Men should lower their gaze, the should be considerate and sacrifice for others, and they should have more control over their desires. They should also pray just like Rasool Allah, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, and behave just like him, and do everything for the most righteous reasons with great taqwa and emaan. I say "should" because everyone has to have an ideal of how they "should" be. The ideal for us all is the Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam.

Of course, men are often complaining that women are deficient in emaan and 'ilm. Women don't control their tongues well, don't understand men's needs, and are too demanding. They want women with excellent adaab, emaan, taqwa, and Islamic knowledge. The women should also spend more romantic time with them, look fantastic, and be lively and entertaining after a day of tending to children, cleaning the house, and cooking. Men want to hear pleasant conversation, not the trials of the day and discipline issues of the children. The women should be like the Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, with the added exemplary qualities of Khadijah or Aisha (radhi Allahu anhunaa).

So, in effect, man's biggest crime in the eyes of woman is that they aren't the ideal man. And guess what? Woman's biggest crime in the eyes of man is that they aren't the ideal woman.

Well, take it to Allah and stop expecting the world from mere humans. Allah created "insaan" - mankind - with imperfections; that is part of the big design. This life is a test, and we are here to struggle against shaytaan and our own nafs as part of the Divine Decree.

Man errs, man repents, man learns.
Man errs, man repents, man gains emaan.
Man errs, man repents, man grows.
Man errs, man repents, man gains taqwa.

Here is a concept that we, as Muslims, really need to implement:

Successful people don't spend their time placing blame, they look for solutions to the problem...

...and all solutions come from Allah, not people.

The Supermom Position

2011-01-10T15:44:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I accepted the Supermom career option around 8 years ago, wa al hamdul'Illah. I bake everything, from bread and muffins to bagels and biscotti. Our meals are a collection of international cuisines, it's as organic as I can get, and it's all from scratch. I sew up cotton/linen abaa'ahs and khimars for myself and skirts, prayer dresses, abayas, and little nightdresses for my children and their dollies. I run a high-end hair salon for my daughters, lol, who sport some of my original hair styles and creative ideas. I took elementary and early childhood education courses in college when my firstborn was one year old, just so I could raise and educate my children well. I love going camping, long hikes, tennis, boating, and the swings. I maintain my figure, get up at 4:30 a.m. for my tahajjud, bake fresh zaatar bread and muffins for breakfast, and keep on trucking until 10:00 p.m. or later. I make the family laugh, am full of ideas, enjoy being active, and pay attention to the details. I even attend Arabic, Quran, and Hadith classes in the mornings and actively strive to increase my knowledge. I am Supermom to many of my classmates as well, taking in homebaked goodies and dishing out advice about natural living. To all of that, I say, "mashaa'Allah," for Allah is the sole source of any and all good in me.

So, how do I do it? Well, I don't work. I left behind the workplace to be a wife and raise a good quality family. And, after saying all that, my bed isn't made and my bedroom is messy. I vacuum once a week and don't beat myself up if I was busy or tired and didn't iron the clothes until 15 minutes before we have to leave the house. In fact, there is a huge hole in my sheepskin slipper and I have no shame wearing them in front of guests. I even have a dust bunny collection on top of the fridge (hubby saw it because there is no way I can see that high up) that I'm going to tackle, but I'm not stressing about it...or even going to do it in the coming days. Not only that, I have a list of things to do that could turn into parchment before it is completed.

Hmmm. Not quite so Supermom, huh? I could end up fired from this position if domestic perfection is the criteria for Supermom.

Well, I have come to the conclusion that what makes a mom super is doing all the things that are important and will make a positive difference to the lives she influences. Our children won't turn out to be well-balanced and rounded, educated and valuable members of society just because we made the beds every morning or vacuumed the house every day. It is the time we invest in them and in modeling the right behavior for them that gives them something to learn from. It is making those connections anywhere and everywhere so they realise all is from Allah, they must always answer to Him, and all fits into the Perfect Plan. Those are the "super" things that their moms do that lay the foundation for their children's greatness and success.

So, for all of you who think you don't qualify for the position, think again. Every mother who strives for the best regarding the well-being and ultimate success of her children is a Supermom in my book!

Letter to my Co-Wife, my Rose

2011-01-07T09:39:00.002+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

This is the letter I wrote to my second co-wife. Qadr Allah, I never got to meet her as the situation didn't work out. I pray Allah gives her something far better - ameen!

However, this letter was something I sent to set the stage and let her know where I was coming from. I will say that this was for an American co-wife, someone who had researched me and asked common friends about me prior to marrying our husband. She was also similar in age, hence she held a special attraction for me - a sister who would be a peer, a companion, and a support for many things. Obviously I have removed her name from it and replaced it with co-wife, where relevant. The letter was titled,

"Co-wife", my Rose...

BismIllah

As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh my dear sister.

Welcome to our family! As two wives within one family, only Allah knows the depth of relationship we will have with each other. We may be the best of friends or we may simply love each other as sisters in Islam. Personally, I pray that we will be the best of friends! I am really looking forward to getting to know you, inshaa'Allah. However, before any of that, we are believers in Allah, His Messenger, and the Last Day. We are striving together for our family's ultimate success. Our race to Allah's Pleasure, is reason enough to love each other dearly.

The biggest obstacle we will face, not only us but also our husband, is the fact that shaytaan's favorite playground is polygyny. He loves to cause marital discord and separation...and he will work triply hard (at minimum) to whisper to us, to plant and nurture fitan. I am sure that we will be an even bigger target because we are all committed to pleasing Allah and welcome polygyny as a mercy and a blessing. When Allah's servants want polygyny with sincere hearts, shaytaan makes it one of his pet projects to ruin it. Let us be aware, forewarned, on guard, and have a strategy to deal with that rotten devil, inshaa'Allah. Here are some very basic suggestions I have. I welcome any input from you on this, inshaa'Allah, as another perspective usually brings improvements.

If, at any time we are communicating, whether online, over the phone, or face to face, and shaytaan whispers some negative thing that enters our thoughts we can say, firmly and as violently as we like, "Audhu b'Illahi minash-shaytaan ir-rajeem!" It won't need any other explanation, because we will understand that we are simply protecting ourselves and our relationship. It can be done in the middle of a sentence, whenever...so we deal with it immediately, rather than letting any seeds be planted or give that stinker the pleasure of getting to us for more than an instant. Of course, it can be any mention of Allah that will send him running, but the idea is the same.

If shaytaan sows a seed of fitnah while one is alone, polluting one's thoughts, seek refuge with vehemence. Do not let him have his way! If one is wondering about something and shaytaan starts using it to cause bad feeling and fitnah, don't keep it inside. Raise the matter as soon as possible, talk about it and get clarity so he can go "fly a kite." If he presents some doubtful issue or something that bothers us and needs resolution, we can work together to clear it up and kick him out. Let us be to each other those blessed and beneficial bricks in the wall of believers.

As your sister, I am not any form of competition. I am just another member of the team and I'm playing on the same side as you. There is no ranking system, no “first” and “second”, there is just the term “wives.” Something to always remember is that your husband loves you, that you are special and precious to him. You offer him something that no other woman can - your own, beautiful, unique self. I feel sure that I will love you for those same reasons!

There will never be any competition between a rose and a freesia, they both are beautiful and they both have a beautiful, unique scent. A rose cannot be a freesia, nor can a freesia be a rose...so they may as well be what Allah made them and appreciate and enjoy all the good each other has.

I am eagerly waiting for you to join us here in Madinah.

Love,

Mai

P.S. Guess what my favorite flower is? Not common...but ahhhh, such a beautiful fragrance!

Polygyny: The Grass is Green on both Sides of the Fence

2011-01-03T12:57:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

One thing that seems to be a commonly quoted issue with polygyny is that one wife has it better than the other. It is often the view that the second wife comes along and gets the easy life, compared to the first wife. Often the first wife has been the one to help establish a home, been patient with financial matters, and helped to mold her husband into the man he is by the time the second wife comes along. The first wife can be left feeling that the second wife gets more money (because she married the husband when he was better off), an easier life, and is benefiting from all the improvements in the husband that came about as a result of those hard early years. However, there is so much more to it than that and as a first wife I can honestly say that the grass isn't greener on the other side, it's green on both sides.

I know I've written before about some of the benefits of polygyny, but here I want to do a real-life analysis of my thinking regarding the situation of a 40-something first wife (me), a 20-something co-wife, and what we represent to our 40 year old husband.

I married a man of similar age (well actually he is 5 years younger) because I wanted someone as active and energetic as I was. Co-wife has married a man 12 years her senior, so she has someone with maturity, education, and the potential for financial security.

Hubby and I have been raising our family for the past 8.5 years, and our children have, for the most part, enjoyed the benefits and stability of having a full-time father. I have had 8 miscarriages (al hamdul'Illah) in the past 2.5 years, so I am not expecting any more children, Qadr Allah, mashaa fa'al. Hmmm....no more morning sickness, hormonal pregnancy mood swings, discomforts, afterbirth and newborn baby exhaustion....I guess I can cope with that, LOL. I am heading towards menopause within the coming ten years, when I will no longer have any "time off" for prayer or marital relations. Co-wife has a good 18 or more years of fertility, so she can offer hubby a fresh, young body and mind with many children - perhaps 12 or more, to be realistic. Children are such a joy that hubby will be strongly tied to his new family and perhaps more enamored with them, as the novelty of someone new and having sweet babies to hold again will be quite irresistible.

On the other hand, our youngest child is 4.5 years old, so we are starting to reap the benefits of our children being more independent. I have more time for personal interests, learning and development, and quality interaction with the children now that I am no longer preoccupied with breastfeeding, changing diapers, and potty training. As the children grow older, we have increased freedom to enjoy vacations, outings, and activities...even some outings without them. For his new young family with Co-wife, he will be kept on his toes and need plenty of energy. However, there will be far less freedom and one-on-one time, once the babies start coming.

In our home, there is less housework, as the children are assigned chores and many of the time-consuming daily tasks are delegated. It will be several years before any chores can be delegated in Co-wife's home, unless she delegates to hubby = ).

I know my husbands faults and weaknesses, have come to terms with them, and have found a way to handle them wa al hamdul'Illah. It's nice to have gotten through that tough stuff. Co-wife still has all that ahead of her. Co-wife has all the newness of marriage and getting to know her new husband, with language limitations early on (She only speaks Arabic, hubby's native tongue is English and his Arabic is limited.)

She has to make a life for herself, structured around her time allocation. Our life is relatively unchanged, except we perhaps see him slightly less. Our household doesn't revolve around him being here, and there are too many of us to be lonely, lol.

I may, bi ithn Illah, grow old with my husband comfortably, sharing similar experiences and enjoying a similar level of maturity due to life experiences and age compatibility. Our home is a place for hubby to relax in relative peace. I enjoy the depth of a relationship that has been established for years and the closeness that going through so much in life and raising children brings. I am still a place for hubby to find his comfort, talk about things freely, eat familiar and favorite foods, and enjoy my humor and the familiarity we have. I am the one who shares the same dream with hubby of having land and living the Sunnah. We have spent years discussing, researching, and planning for it. Co-wife will offer hubby a home without children, just pure adult freedom, initially. Hubby will be able to start things as he wishes to continue. He may "train" Co-wife to do the things he particularly likes...especially those things I don't or won't do. Later on, it will be a home with babies, young children and different atmosphere to enjoy and appreciate.

As for practical matters, I will get more of my needs taken care of, as I was the always the wife who didn't ask for things, didn't go shopping, didn't spend unless seriously warranted, and only bought from thrift shops. Although I am fine as I am, the financial division and fairness will mean that more will be allocated for me inshaa'Allah. Hubby has to set up home with Co-wife. In addition, things like long overdue doctor's appointments will finally be made, inshaa'Allah. Co-wife will have appointments for pregnancies. Hubby will have to ensure fairness and good treatment of both wives.

Hubby's two children from a previous marriage,will now have two step-mothers and the responsibility of raising them can be shared.

Before retirement age hits, all our children should have finished school and whatever arrangements for higher education taken into account and planned for, inshaa'Allah. I will have more time for my studies, taking care of myself, and to sleep early and wake up fresh, inshaa'Allah. All of Co-wife's children will have a middle aged father, with a large age-gap. The youngest will just be entering higher education when hubby hits retirement age. The older ones may not be ready for higher education until hubby is between 60 and 75 years old. The risk of their father dying while they are still young is high, and Allah only Knows.

Co-wife is embarking on a family life, with pregnancies, child raising, schooling, with all the joys, blessings, hard work, and time that it entails. She will have Hubby's support through her different developmental stages and his maturity will be reassuring, inshaa'Allah. I am well down the road with the child raising, schooling, and blessings of marriage and family. I give Hubby support through his developmental stages ;P

As for Hubby, he will - bi ithn Illah - have two good wives, two good families, and many children to raise upon Islam. He will have to work doubly hard to keep it all together, but inshaa'Allah he will have the things he wants most in this dunya and be kept out of trouble so he can have good in his aakhirah - ameen.

So as you can see, the grass is beautifully green wa al hamdul'Illahi Rabbil al ameen!

When we stand before Allah...

2010-12-31T07:37:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

What is it that makes some people think themselves better than others? What is it that makes the younger or more physically attractive people think they are more beautiful or appealing? What is it that makes the sister all in black in a head abaya with gloves and niqaab or the brother with the thobe up to his shins and beard down to his chest think they are more pious than others who dress differently? Why does the one who gets perfect scores on her Arabic tests or Memorization and Recitation classes feel better than those who struggle? Kibr. Prideful arrogance.

Sometimes, if I know that a person isn't obeying Allah, I feel that I am being more obedient and am earning Allah's pleasure while they are not. Sometimes I speculate that I am thinner, look younger, have more knowledge in certain areas, or more discipline about certain things. These are facts, and as long as I acknowledge them as just facts without thinking I'm better, then inshaa'Allah they will not ruin me.

An outlook that is very helpful when I want to avoid the "I'm better in that" syndrome, is to always look at others and think how much better they are in other things. I admire their way of conducting themselves, their patience and beautiful approach to their children and husband, their memorization of Quran, their knowledge of Islam, and their beautiful attributes. I think of my inferiority rather than my superiority. There is always the knowledge that others have qualities that I don't and, most surely, some of those qualities are more loved by Allah.

Our beloved Prophet, salla Alalhu alayhi wa sallam, married Sawdah (radhi Allahu anhaa) after the death of Khadijah. We know he was suffering great grief over Khadijah's death. "According to a report by a Companion, she was very dark in complexion, slow and fat. In spite of her being slow and fat, she was amiable and humorous, dispelling the Prophet's worries with her light joking, which was an essential and effective timely remedy." (quote from the book Women around the Messenger)

When we see people who are very disobedient to Allah, or appear to have weak knowledge and implementation of their Islam, we may think they are in a sad state. However, shaytaan is always whispering and we often don't know the reality of them and their journey through life. What we think, may not be the true case. Never forget the story of Musa (alayhi salaam) and Khidr in Surat al Kahf. Khidr did things that Musa deemed heinous crimes, but they were actually commands from Allah and were righteous acts.

Most Muslims have been through different processes, including many mistakes and different developmental stages. Who is to say that the person who isn't praying today, won't be the one who wakes up and sniffs the Quran tomorrow and becomes the most pious of us? Who is to say that the person who wears a jilbab and shayla/hijab won't have a stellar account with Allah because she never hurt another human being by hand or tongue? Who is to say that the out-of-shape sister or brother, whose face shows all the signs of their hard life, isn't one of Al-Muqarrabeen (those nearest to Allah in the Aakihrah) because they have always put others before themselves?

When we stand before Allah, it is our hearts and our deeds that will count, not whether we were the best looking, wore the most pious clothes, had great intelligence, had the most Islamic information, or memorized the most Quran. There is no benefit in a fit body, beautiful face, immaculate presentation, or extensive knowledge unless they are TOTALLY for the sake of Allah and seeking His Pleasure. May Allah protect us from all forms of kibr (pride and arrogance), riyaa (showing off), and guide us to His Pleasure in our every action - ameen.

I Don't Want to Live that Long...

2010-12-29T16:45:00.002+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I was reading a post about the Day of Judgment today and I was reminded of something that has been lurking in the back of my mind for some time. The signs of the Day of Judgment include some truly horrific things. Aside from the coming of the Dajjaal, one of the things that disturbs me the most is that we are told that the Kaaba will be demolished and the Qur'an will be removed from the hearts and also the Masaahif (printed copies of the Qur'an). No Qibla and no Book of Guidance. Audhu B'Illahi!

I cannot tell you how much I have begged Allah to increase me in knowledge and open up the Quran to me and fill my heart with it. Over this past two months, Allah - azza wa jaal - has answered my dua' mashaa'Allah. Now I'm moving through my Qur'an memorization with understanding, wa al hamdul'Illahi Rabb il aal ameen! Recitation with understanding has opened up something totally amazing in me. I cannot contain my smile when I read of Allah's Mercy and Rewards, my fear of His punishment. Mashaa'Allah, I am totally in love with the words and the message Allah has sent down to us!

So, to have this finally open up, to be given that gift and to think that I could wake up one morning and have nothing, not a single remembrance of it, is like torture. I don't wish to ever live to that day. I pray that I die with the Qur'an in my heart and on my lips...that I die with a smile on my face from the promise and perfection of those indescribable words. I don't want my children to face that either...or their children, or their children. It is enough to make one wish for an early death, for surely it is a test beyond imagination and a horrific prospect for future generations. May we all die upon tawheed and may Allah protect all His faithful servants on that dreaded day - ameen.

Polygyny - Why Sacrifice?

2010-12-27T11:42:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

My thoughts are developing, based on my own experiences and through reading and responding to others facing polygyny. Something came to my mind that is very important - the sacrifice that women and the children of polgyny have to make, and why.

When a man enters into polygyny, even when he is in the search process, the existing wife has to give up some of her time with him. He may spend hours searching, then "communicating," then preparing, and then dividing up the time between the existing family and the new wife. The children also have to give up some time, some involvement. There is no comparison between the time invested in the children in one household, and the time invested between two, especially as there will be more children to divide time between. He will also be dividing his money between two households. He took your pie and cut it in half, or thirds, or even quarters, giving the other half to another woman/women.

Many beautiful sisters out there have the right mindset and intentions and accept polygyny, desiring their husbands happiness, to successfully implement a Sunnah, and the pleasure of Allah. However, there will be times when they will stare at it and see a stark reality that they are sacrificing a lot for the sake of their husband and his desires. At times it will appear, with the help of shaytaan, that the husband is getting a really good deal because he gets what he wants but the existing wife is left with loss, pain, insecurity, and shaytaan happily and firmly attached to her ear.

Often we wives sacrifice to safeguard the husband's Islam, to prevent him from haraam, because he is driven to pursue his desires or cannot be satisfied with what he has. When I look at it from a certain light, it seems that we women who sacrifice so much to support their husbands in polygyny, out of love, are much stronger. After all, we don't turn their lives upside down chasing after our desires and finding solutions to our weaknesses. We sacrifice because we look at the greater goal of Jennah; we see it as yet another test. For the polygyny chasing men, they get caught up with the dunya, by way of their desires and urges for the zeena of this life - women, children, wealth, etc. - and they must satisfy much of that desire to be able to get past it and focus on Jennah.

So where does that leave us wives? I believe that polgyny is sent to very special women; those that Allah wants to test strongly in order to increase their emaan, taqwa, tawakkal, and ibadah and purify their hearts. I believe that it is sent as a means to raise their ranks in Jennah and as an opportunity to be amongst the muqarraboon, the forerunners closest to Allah, in the aakhirah. We know that Allah tests those He loves, and for such a great test, there must be great love.

Jâbir b. `Abd Allah al-Ansârî relates that he heard Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said three days before his death: "None of you should ever die except while assuming the best about Allah." [Sahîh Muslim (5125)]

Ibn al-Qayyim says: There can be no doubt that assuming the best about Allah only comes as a result of righteous conduct. It is the righteous person who assumes the best about his Lord, since he knows that Allah will reward him for his good deeds and will never break His promise.

I want to be with the muqarraboon, and I begged Allah many years ago to make me an excellent person, so I take the tests and know with certainty that Allah is sending them to make me even more beloved to Him. No question, the tests are very difficult at times, but greatly blessed!

Think you're smart?

2010-12-24T10:08:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Check out these scenarios.

- Muslim Child is in a bad mood and decides to join the prayer late, stand out of the line, fidget excessively, delay moving after the Imam, huff and puff in annoyance, etc. Muslim Child is reprimanded after the prayer and responds with a slightly smug smile that implies, "Oh good, I succeeded in annoying you!"

- Muslim Wife is annoyed with husband over something he has done that she does not like. Muslim Wife decides she will punish husband by withholding his marital rights or even by teasing him first and then withholding his rights...leaving him hanging and frustrated. Muslim Wife smiles smugly, thinking she well and truly got him back.

- Muslim Sister finds herself in a plural marriage and is overcome by jealousy. At a gathering where she knows the co-wife will be, Muslim Sister wears something that exposes her best physical features, in detail. She brings great food, sports a love-bite, and talks in a condescending way to co-wife to show who's best and that there is no competition.

Muslim Child, Muslim Wife, and Muslim Sister think they are smart. They think they've gotten one over on their "opponent" and won, in some way. Muslim Child, Muslim Wife, and Muslim Sister are sadly mistaken.

Muslim Child did not pray to Allah. Muslim Child stood and went through the motions of prayer all the while focusing on disrupting the prayer and khushoo of those around them.

The Prophet (pbuh) said,
"The first of one's works that he shall be called to account for on the Day of Judgment is the Prayer. If he performed it well, he will be prosperous. Otherwise, he will be loser.” At-Tirmidhi

'Ubadah Ibn As-Aumit related, the Prophet (pbuh) said,
"Whoever makes ablution properly and performs properly the integrals of Prayer: bowing, prostration and recitation therein, the Prayer says, "May Allah preserve you as you preserve me.” Then the Prayer is risen up skyward enveloped with light. When approaching the heaven 's gates, it will find it opened. So it keeps on rising up until it reaches Allah. There, it intercedes for the one who performed it. But if he does not perform (its integral) properly: bowing, prostration or recitation therein, the Prayer says, "May Allah neglect you as you neglected me..” Then, the Prayer is risen up skyward enveloped with darkness. Approaching the gates of heaven, it will find it closed. Then, it will be folded as an old cloth and kicked back to the doer's face.” Al-Haythami

So tell me, Muslim Child, who did you hurt in the end?

As for Muslim Wife, she has not fulfilled her covenant with Allah; she hasn't guarded her husband's chastity.

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:
“The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘When a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he went to sleep angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning.’” Al-Bukhari, 3065; Muslim, 1436

Ibn ' Abbas also related that the Prophet (pbuh) said,
"There are three people whom Allah cursed: Whoever leads a group of people in Prayer who dislike him, a woman whose husband spends the night angry with her and whoever heard the call to Prayer but he does not answer.” At-Tirmidhi

So tell me Muslim Wife, who will really suffer from your spiteful actions?

And finally for Muslim Sister, her jealousy is her worse enemy.

The Prophet (pbuh) said,
"Once a man was walking along in a new set of clothes, with a swagger to his step, pleased with himself, Allah caused the earth to swallow him and he will keep sinking until the Last Day.”Al-Bukhari

"Tyrants and the arrogant will be raised on the last Day as grain strewn under feet that the people will walk upon.”Ahmad and At-Tirmidhi
Arrogance, as early Muslims said, was the first fault against Allah.

Allah, the Almighty, says,
{And behold, we said to the angels: bow down to Adam: and they bowed down: not so Iblis: he refused and was haughty: he was of those who reject Faith} (AI-Baqarah: 34)
Therefore, Faith is of no avail if arrogance exists, as is Iblis.

The Messenger (pbuh) said, "Arrogance is belittling to admit the truth and considering people inferior.” Muslim

"No one with the slightest particle of arrogance in his heart will enter Paradise.” Al-Bukhari

Do you have the upper hand now, Muslim Sister?

This is a reminder and warning to every Muslim Child, Muslim Wife, and Muslim Sister that may reside in us:

Don't think you're smart.

I've let shaytaan fool me in the past, but by Allah's Grace and Mercy, I realized that I would have to answer for my actions. Allah is not going to ask you about what others did, He will ask you about what YOU did. Don't fool yourself into thinking that doing something out of spite is smart, because the saying, "What goes around comes around." is very true in Islam. Every soul will be recompensed as per its intention and there is no fooling Allah, subhaana wa taala.

Reasons to Welcome Polygyny

2010-12-14T15:57:00.003+03:00

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh

Women are flowers: all different with varying smells, colors, shapes, and properties.

All are beautiful; all are uniquely special.

Men like bouquets.

What would you prefer? A peaceful life with a pleasant, loving husband who is satisfied and happy, or a life with a man who is dissatisfied and looking at women surreptitiously with yearning? Even worse, perhaps taking out his resentment and frustrations on you and the family?

Seven years ago, when my husband told me he wanted to marry because he couldn't lower his gaze, I was disgusted. I didn't want to know that he was such a weak person and I felt it a personal hurt, because I had just had our first baby. He explained that he wasn't trying to hurt me; that it was all about him. I went through a whole self-critique, acknowledging my faults and my strengths and in the end I acknowledged that it really was his own issue. This past year, I finally wrote a post about not taking it personally, which puts that into perspective.

After that, I picked up on his glances in the rearview mirror at uncovered women we passed on the street. They didn't have anything different from me, aside from the fact that their bodies were on display for all to see and mine was under an abaya. I knew, without a doubt that it doesn't matter if you are a supermodel, most men will never be satisfied. Allah told us in Suran Ali Imran:

(Beautified for men is the love of things they covet; women, children, vaulted hoards of gold...) [3:14].

How true Allah's words are! So, my viewpoint became one of "let him covet."

When I thought about it more, I realized that there were three things that are much more important to me than the life adjustments that polygyny entails.

One: I would rather he do something halal than bring haram into our home and lives. That would just be a spiral to hell, literally. I won't invite shaytaan into my home, and to keep him away I have to strive to get rid of all fitna. If that means encouraging him to take another wife so he will not be inclined to commit zina, then so be it.That is what I call Real Love.

Two: I cannot stand living with someone who is unhappy, resentful, and unsatisfied. That equates to moodiness, nit-picking, and fitna-filled atmospheres that thrill shaytaan. That has a negative effect on our whole family and the peace in our home. If taking on another wife, household, set of bills, and marital communications would make him a pleasure to be with on a daily basis, then "Wife number 2, come on down!" Of course, this also means praying for a good one, so we won't face fitnah. It also means praying for it to happen in a halal way, pleasing to Allah, so the union will be blessed and there won't be a drawn out waiting period or the fitna and haraam elements of searching.

Three: If I support my husband in getting what he wants in a halal way, while trusting in Allah and aiming to please him, I will be a better wife and he will appreciate me more.

In a nutshell, I want him to go ahead and "fulfill his dream" if it is necessary for the children and I to continue to have a peaceful, happy life pleasing to Allah, not shaytaan.

As for the confidence aspect, although it does tend to make us feel like there is something wrong with us, I know that it isn't me. I have confidence in myself, in regards to obeying my Rabb and in my person. In that regard, I wrote the post "Where does our confidence come from?" My husband does not define my worth, nor is he able to make me happy. Only Allah (subhaana wa taala) and I, through my actions, can do those things. Do I feel worthless or insignificant in his life? No. We have gone through this past 8 years, accomplishing a great deal and growing closer to Allah and each other through our struggles. We have established something that won't simply disappear if, or when, he gets a different model.

As for worrying about whether the subsequent wife will be a source of goodness or fitnah, truly if I am obedient to my Rabb and put all my trust in Him, I will never worry about such things. If a prospect comes up and I'm informed about it, I say alhamdul'Illah. I know that if it is good for us, Allah will facilitate it and if it isn't, He won't. Currently, we are monogamous again. We have come a long way, and much has changed due to our past experiences and spiritual growth, Qadr Allah. But if polygyny comes along again, it will simply be part of Allah's Perfect Plan. Something to draw us closer to Him, and to trust in Him totally about.

No Backbiting Disclaimer: I talked with my husband prior to writing this post. He knows what I am disclosing about him, has confirmed it is fine, and is not offended. He also reads my blog ; D

Polygyny: Love for who?

2010-12-12T14:42:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

The most popular hadith quoted, when the topic of polygyny comes up, seems to be this:

Anas relates that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

It is usually a reminder to the women, the existing wife/wives and the new wife so they will be kind and generous with each other...and with the sharing of their husband. I am a big proponent of this concept, mashaa'Allah, so please don't misunderstand what I write next.

The hadith is for everyone, men and women alike. So, what happened to the brothers?

Consider the man with a plate full of food and a man beside him, hungry with no food. Is reaching out and taking another plate of food, leaving the man beside him without, loving for his brother what he loves for himself? What, then, of wives? When there are so many brothers looking for good wives, don't the discerning ones who are looking for second, third, or fourth wives ever think that if the woman meets their criteria for marriage, that she probably meets the criteria of a single brother? Do they consider that in recommending those prospective wives to unmarried brothers, they are removing a stress and discomfort from their brother? They have the chance to facilitate for their brother what they already have, the other half of their deen and a guarding of their private parts. Wouldn't that reap a huge reward? Isn't that putting the hadith into real practice?

In addition, for those men with daughters of marriageable age, are they eager for them to enter polygyny? Do they believe it is a better and more pleasant life than monogamy? No question, there are wonderful advantages to being in polgyny. However, most would agree that polygyny is a test and shaytaan's favorite workplace - not easy and often painful. Is marrying a daughter into that (rather than to another suitable, unmarried man) loving the best for her? Perhaps, sometimes. More often though, the answer will be no.

Before I am attacked with a load of scenarios which don't fit this mold, let me say that I know it isn't a one-size-fits-all viewpoint. I am not making a blanket statement, just reminding of a certain aspect. There are many situations where taking an additional wife is the option warranted by Allah; it is a beautiful Sunnah. Certainly, some women are better suited to be in polygynous marriages or don't find single men in their age group or community to marry. However, in polygyny the loving for your brother what you love for yourself needs to be considered and implemented by both sisters and brothers.

May Allah be the Governing Force behind all our intentions and actions - ameen.

What's Ahead of You?

2010-12-09T16:18:00.002+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Lately I've been mentioning to the children the importance of every action. I have been telling them that it is extremely relevant what we are doing when we die. I also make it clear to them that life isn't something to take for granted. So often, when we go to Masjid an Nabawi, we have the honor of praying janazah for someone, and at least 50% of the time, we are praying for a child. These are wonderful moments to make it real to them that children, just like them, die. So, I remind them to think about what they are doing and if it is beneficial or pleasing to Allah. I ask them to consider in their activities, deeds, and words, whether they are pleasing Allah or shaytaan.

Subhaan Allah. I do this for my children, but it is something that we adults desperately need to think about every waking moment. Are we realistic and objective enough about what we do and say? Do we ask those critical questions: "Who am I pleasing - Allah or shaytaan?" and "Will this help me get to Jennah?" Better to ask ourselves now, before it is too late.

"Oh you who believe! Fear Allah and keep your duty to Him. And let every person look to what he has sent forth for the morrow, and fear Allah. Verily, Allah is all aware of what you do." Al-Hashr, ayah 18

Some peoples' perspective is that they have their whole life ahead of them; others are always conscious that death is near. Both are true, but the latter is the absolute reality.

My Therapist

2010-12-02T14:04:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

(This is dedicated to Umm Tareq, with great love - fee sabeel Allah.)

I used to find it amusing to hear that people went to therapists, mainly because it was almost a fashionable epidemic. Just about everyone had a therapist, whether a psychoanalyst, a psychiatrist, a focus group, or a special social worker/mentor. So many problems, so many experts. So, I thought to myself, "Mai, you've got things bothering you. Why don't you get yourself a therapist?" That's when the subcutaneous part of my psyche spoke up and said, "You have a Therapist; always had one, always will." Well, my psyche surely spoke the truth.

All day long, whatever is going on, I have a running commentary going on with my Therapist. I have divulged my innermost thoughts, fears, struggles, and problems to Him. I don't even have to say the words out loud, although I sometimes do, because He hears me anyway. He Knows. I never feel like there is a huge stress sitting inside me ready to explode because I have nobody to talk to. I have the perfect Therapist to talk to. He gives me perfect solutions, perfect guidance, and perfect soothing comfort. My Creator, my Sustainer, my Nurturer, my Developer, my Guide, my Solace, and my Perfect Love - Allah, subhaana wa taala - my 24/7 Therapist.

Allah says: “Call upon Me. I will answer you.” [Sûrah Ghâfir: 60]

Trudging or Skipping?

2010-12-02T09:12:00.000+03:00

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Truly the life of this world (dunya) is a test and a trial for the believer.

Hmm. Sounds like something that we should be trudging through, struggling to make our way with so many obstacles.

Consider the scenario where you are going somewhere you don't like...perhaps the dentist, to clean up a dirty mess, to meet someone you don't enjoy the company of, or to take a test you aren't prepared for. You may move slowly, or find it hard to be cheerful and sincerely optimistic. When people have difficulties and hardships, they tend to trudge through life miserably, unsmiling.

Now consider when you are looking forward to something...perhaps going to the park, seeing a good friend, or attending a fun gathering. You probably walk quickly, with spring in your step, and find it easy to be cheerful and optimistic. When people have pleasant things to look forward to, they tend to sail through life happily, smiling.

`Abdullah ibn `Umar, radhiallahu `anhu, said: "The life of this world is Paradise for a disbeliever and a prison for a believer. When a believer dies and departs from this world, he feels himself like a prisoner who was released to go freely on the spacious earth."

Well, aren't you looking forward to seeing Allah, subhaana wa Taala? Aren't you filled with awe at His never ending Mercy and Blessings? Aren't you filled with hope that He will be pleased with you and you will be elevated to those high places in Jennah where His Countenance will be seen?

On the authority of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) say: Allah the Almighty said:

O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great at it.
(at-Tirmidhi & also by Ahmad ibn Hanbal)

What bigger hope?

On the authority of Abu Sa'id al-Khudri (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said:

Allah will say to the inhabitant of Paradise: O inhabitants of Paradise! They will say: O our Lord, we present ourselves and are at Your pleasure, and goodness rests in Your hands. Then He will say: Are you contented? And they will say: And how should we not be contented, O Lord, when You have given to us that which You have given to no one else of Your creation? Then He will say: Would not like Me to give you something better than that? And they will say: O Lord and what thing is better than that? And He will say: I shall cause My favor to descend upon you and thereafter shall never be displeased with you.
(al-Bukhari, Muslim, and at-Tirmidhi)

What greater anticipation?

On the authority of Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Prophet (PBUH) said: Allah the Almighty said: I am as My servant thinks I am (or expects Me to be). I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.
(Bukhari, Muslim, at-Tirmidhi, and Ibn-Majah).

I'm not just walking with a spring in my step, I'm skipping, jumping, and running to Allah, subhaana wa taala! Come on, skip with me!

The Parental Disclaimer

2010-11-26T20:27:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I've had another epiphany, mashaa'Allah! It came to me when I considered how possible it is that at least one of our children will get married and leave home and not uphold the things that we have taught them. Now, of course, it is no longer our responsibility once they are grown and gone. However, I seriously dislike the idea of a son- or daughter-in-law, and perhaps even the family-in-law, thinking that we never bothered to raise our children well. My idea is to draw up a document, a Parental Disclaimer, itemizing all the major things that we have taught our children and that they know about. In this way, if they don't adhere to those things outside of our home, at least we have educated them prior to them taking a different path.

My disclaimer will look something like this:

We, father of the child and mother of the child, do hereby testify that we have taught our child named: xxxxx, the following things.
Personal Hygiene:
Brushing teeth morning, night, and before fajr prayer.
Cutting nails and making ghusl on Friday.
Bathing regularly and putting dirty clothes in the laundry.
How to blow their nose and never to pick their nose.
How to make istinja and wash hands after going to the bathroom.
How to use soap and water to get clean.
How to make wudhu.
How to conserve water.
How to use a brush and comb.

Life Skills:

How to operate a washing machine successfully.
How to clean a bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, living room.
How to iron clothes.
Washing and drying dishes.
Basic cooking, including baking cookies and bread.
Eating in in moderation.
Eating healthily. They KNOW about bad fats, pesticides, steroids, growth hormone, and artificial everything to avoid. This is an organically raised child.
They can tell the time and they can operate an alarm clock.
They have been taught math and should not be believed if they say they don't know how to find the area of a room or figure out the change due to them in a supermarket.
Islam:
We have taught them how to pray, when to pray, sunnah prayers, prostration of forgetfulness, and what to do if joining a prayer that has already started.
We have educated them on fiqh regarding tahara, prayer, ramadan, hajj, zakat, and done everything possible to ensure they understand tawheed clearly.
We have modeled and corrected them on manners and social dealings. They know when they should say please, thank you, excuse me, and they don't leave the table without asking to be excused.
We have provided them with extensive information on heaven and hell and the behavior and paths that lead to each destination.
They been woken up for fajr every day since they turned 10 years old.
They have read the whole Quran, know the etiquettes of recitation, and the rules of tajweed.
They have lived a life based on emulating the Sunnah in their daily life.
We pray that they will follow the path to Jennah, but if they start acting up or misbehaving, then - for the record - we did our job.

Obviously, this is not an exhaustive list because I haven't had time to think of all the details. Also, it will grow as the children get older, but it's probably a good idea to start jotting down things from now. Then it will be comprehensive by the time they are ready to fly from the nest, inshaa'Allah.

Please feel free to use this idea if you think it will work for you. Although I cannot stop a smile when I think of a Parental Disclaimer, hubby is warming up to the idea and I'm all for it, LOL!

My Mothering Dua'

2010-11-26T19:06:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I am the mother of two girls, 4 and 7 years old, and the stepmother of a 10 year old girl and a 12 year old boy, wa al hamdu l'Illah ala kully haal! In the beginning, this mothering thing was very new to me. Being an only child, I was totally unprepared for the in-house fighting, backbiting, sneakiness, and all that other ~~dreadful~~ normal stuff that children do. It has been an enlightening and testing time, to say the very least!

I have always made dua' to be a better mother, to guide them the best way, and to be a good model for them. That, however, just didn't seem to be enough. I have made connections, shown examples, and have that whole "mother-e.s.p." that knows what's going on. I was resident spy, noticing irregularities that signal teeth weren't brushed with toothpaste, showers were skipped, wudhu wasn't made, etc. It was becoming a real task, because I'm also cooking, homeschooling, studying, etc.

BUT...I discovered something this past year, which became invaluable in my job as Muslimah mother. When I went for Umrah, I had nothing short of Divine inspiration. I asked Allah to show my children His Haqq. I told Him that we, as parents, could only talk about it and give examples, but HE could make it real and evident to them. I asked that He leave no stone unturned in responding to their deeds and showing them right from wrong, cause and effect. I asked that He show them, clear as day, that what we teach them is the truth and let it be reinforced in all aspects of their life. I also asked that He make evident to us the reality of our children, the good and bad. In this way, we can deal with them and guide them accordingly.

Subhaan Allah! It has been nothing short of incredible how much has come about since then, because when you go to the One Who can help, He does. Qadr Allah, there is nothing that the children do in sneakiness or error, trying to hide it or thinking that they are getting away with it, that Allah hasn’t exposed, mashaa'Allah. There has been clear cause and effect in all that they do, mashaa'Allah! All the things that we have taught and inforced they hear from all manner of other sources now - from school, from friends, in books, from friend's parents, and even from people they don't know.

I feel so much more comfortable knowing that I have turned those things that are beyond my abilities to our Creator. I feel much clearer about what’s going on and find I can manage them and their upbringing far more effectively and easily now. It has even changed my reactions and responses to them. When it is obvious that someone is telling an untruth and it isn't being admitted, I simply say, "Never mind." To which they all look at me in wonderment. I then follow it up with, "Allah Knows the truth and He is The Fair. He is also the One to punish, and He hates liars." When they see that I'm putting the responsibility back on them for their actions, to answer to Allah for, it changes the whole picture.

This may be the same thing all you good mothers have been making dua' for from day one, but for me it is nothing short of a revelation. If this is news to even one other mother out there, I highly recommend you make this dua’. It is an amazing thing to behold when it is answered, wa al hamdu l’Illahi Rabb il aal ameen!

Laughter and Tears: An Introspection

2010-11-26T10:25:00.004+03:00

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Some of you know me personally. You've met me, sat with me, eaten with me, and probably laughed with me. Some of you have no idea what I am like, except for what I write here. However, most of you probably know that I have a sense of humor and a positive outlook. I have even been described as "chipper" and "bubbly" by my dear sisters. All thanks and praise to Allah, Who is the sole creator of any good in me!

Just a few moments ago, while listening to children laugh over foolish matters, I remembered this saying.

Our beloved Prophet Muhammad said, "O followers of Muhammad! By Allah, if you knew what I know, you would weep much and laugh little." [Sahih al-Bukhari, Vol. 8, #627]

Then, me being me, I immediately thought of how I'm always smiling, cheerful, and trying to infuse that into others. There is much laughter in my life. Uh oh! Is that a problem? Am I ignoring the Prophet's (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) words and warning? I had to consider the reason for my laughter and cheer. I had, for a moment, to remind myself of what I tell sisters who meet me and comment on those "sunny" qualities. I tell them this:

"Every day I wake up and give praise and thanks to Allah. I am overwhelmed by His Generosity and Mercy, by His Blessings and His Love. How can I not smile when every single thing He sends me is out of Love for me? How can I not be bubbling with joy and happiness? I have the most perfect and complete Love I could ever imagine!"

So, if my smiles and laughter are all to acknowledge and give thanks for Allah's countless Blessings, can they be bad or a waste of time? No. They are ibadah. They are shukr. They are sadaqah. They are daw'ah.

On the flip side, I cry a lot. I am a veritable leaky tap! Friends see this, too. We may be sitting anywhere and the mention of Allah's Mercy, a reward for a simple word or task, or some hadith by our beloved Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, and I'm dabbing at my eyes. Don't even get me started about how Allah chose me to be one of His servants in Islam, or I'll be bawling for a week!

In the middle of an Arabic class, where Hajj was being discussed, I burst into tears over the huge reward for the accepted Hajj and my desperation to go. While attending the Sunday Islamic classes with my children two years ago in the States, I cried in nearly every lesson over the things the teacher was telling the children about the account of good deeds and bad, the aakhirah, etc. Fortunately, by now, my children are used to my "religious tears." They still ask why I am crying, but once they hear it is because of something related to our deen, they brush it off as normal.

I cry, desperately, over my mistakes and my shortcomings. I cry, uncontrollably at times, over fear of losing my way or being touched by the Hellfire. At times I wonder if death is approaching for me soon, lol, with such strong emotions over all things from Allah and against Him. However, I have great hope in my heart of Allah, subhaana wa taala's, shade for my tears and my love, when I remember this hadith:

"Seven will be granted the shade of Allâh on a day when there will be no shade but His. A just ruler, a youth who has been brought up worshipping Allâh, a man whose heart is attached to the mosque, two people who love each other for the sake of Allâh and meet and part upon that, a man who is allurred by a woman of high standing and beauty and he says, "I fear Allâh", one who gives charity in secret so that his left hand does not know what his right hand has given, and a man whose eyes fill up with tears when he remembers Allâh in private" (Bukhârî, Muslim and others)

So, I say to you all smile and be happy, because Allah Loves you! Cry in awe and desperation, because you are weak and humble. Laugh and cry for all the right reasons, so that it will all be on your account as ibadah and increase in your emaan and taqwa, bi ithn Illah taala.

Is your blog a true friend?

2010-11-23T21:09:00.004+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

As usual, something happened today that triggered this post, but the seed has been growing in my mind for a while now. I read many different blogs from all kinds of different people. Some are about Islam, some by people just struggling through this dunya, some about polygany, and all manner of other topics.

What I have found in my "readels" (a combination of reading and travels) is that there are some blogs that are good friends to the blogger and there are some that are truly their enemy. When what we write is sincere and pleasing to Allah, regardless of what it is about, then that writing is our friend. It will stand up on Yawn Al-Qiyamah and testify for us. It will be written on our right-hand side - amongst our good deeds. Now this doesn't have to be writing directly about Islam; it may be on health, environment, safety, or any number of other things that will benefit others and in some way encourage them to good. After all, taking care of our bodies and the earth are all part of the amanah (trust) Allah has bestowed upon us. Aaah! When I read jewels from some of the beloved bloggers I follow, I literally pray for their elevation in Jennah al Firdaus.

So what are those blogs that are our enemies? The ones where we air our stinking thinking. The ones where we expose our sins or the sins of others. The ones where we backbite...because anonymity doesn't negate the fact that you are speaking ill of another. The ones where things that should be private and precious are put out in public. The ones where emotions get the better of us and we say things that we later regret or have to delete. These are the posts and blogs that thrill shaytaan and are a written - public for all to see - deficit on our account with Allah, azza wa jaal. I wrote something about sisters who struggle to hold their tongues, that really applies to everyone in the whole wide world as well as blogs and every other form of media. While it is always difficult to do, that hadith saying that if you cannot say something nice, you must not speak, is extremely important and relevant.

Not one of us knows when Allah will end our time on this earth. Do we want to leave with a public enemy sitting on the Internet, broadcasting to the world? Please, check your blog and make sure that it is your friend!

I try to check my posts regularly, but if you find something that you think might be pleasing shaytaan in my blog, please let me know. That is how you can show you love me ; D

Eid Al Adha 1431 Hijri (2010)

2010-11-16T10:48:00.000+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh!

Hubby's gone for Hajj and I'm here with the four little darlings for Eid Al Adha al mubarak. Usually I end up not doing anything near what I wanted on Eid, but this was a bit different al hamdul'Illah. I am so happy that my husband is doing Hajj, that my whole outlook is different during his time away. May his, and all the hujjaj's ibadah be accepted - ameen!

On 8 Dhul Hijjah I had the children each pick a simple recipe and bake their own cookies. This was a great exercise in math and lifeskills, without them realizing it. Then, each child had their own jar or bucket of cookies for Eid. That meant that Yawm al Arafat wasn't spent preparing treats for Eid and we could focus on more important things. This morning, I got the children up, took some dough out of the fridge and made a pizza. Each child had their own bag with their container of cookies and some water. I took the pizza, some water, a knife, and napkins.

Because we had to walk (me being a woman [in Saudi], I can't just hop in our minivan and zip on down to Masjid an Nabawi), I came up with a different game plan. We left just before the fajr adhaan and walked to Masjid Yahwiya to pray fajr. Then, after that little stop, where the littlest members of the family could rest their toes a while, we continued on to Masjid An Nabawi.

Mashaa'Allah, we made it in good time, settled ourselves just outside the courtyard wall, and prayed in comfort. Then we met up with a couple of sisters I go to school with and had a picnic in the courtyard of Masjid an Nabawi. Ahhh! The sun rose, the minarets looked pristine reaching up to Allah's perfect heavens, and the umbrellas shaded us. We shared the pizza and all the children got to share their cookies with each other and our guests. Then we drank a little Zamzam and walked back home.

Now I'm making a big brunch (because that is the best way out of having to make lunch as well) and they have the rest of the day to enjoy the new books that they were given for Eid and race remote control cars that their daddy bought them. I promised them I'd make their favorite dinner tonight and I'm planning to play a board game with them later. So the children are happy and Eid is really EID! Alhamdu l'Illahi Rabbil aal ameen!

It isn't about what Allah gives you, it's about what you make of it.

Taqabbal Allah mina wa minkum!

Good vs. Bad

2010-11-13T15:39:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh!

I took a little time to "pay a (cyber) visit" to a dear friend who I'd been neglecting and, sure enough, Allah sent me great benefit and inspiration.

I struggle with my imperfections. I don't mean things like whether I vacuumed this week or if I'm a pound heavier or lighter. I mean things that I know go on my left-hand side account, like my lack of self control when it comes to my emotions and behavior upon seeing things that shaytaan loves. I am going through a serious "process" about all this and desperately seeking Allah's Help and Guidance.

However, what I got from my visit was a reminder of how the good deed outweighs the bad deed. Instead of focusing on what I always do wrong, I took a moment to think of what is good in me. I reaffirmed that there WAS a whole lot of good in me, through the Mercy and Generosity of Allah, subhaana wa taala. If I focus on that good and let it flourish, it will not only outweigh the bad, but eventually it will, inshaa'Allah, strangle it. Not only that, if I focus on the good in others rather than react to the bad, inshaa'Allah that will be able to flourish as well.

Okay, okay...I know this is basic psychology (positive reinforcement) and hardly something new. However, I had lost sight of it for myself. How on earth can I practice it on others, if I cannot even help myself? So, I say to you all:

Look for the good, every ounce of it.

Embrace the good, love it, and nurture it so that it will grow and flourish.

Allah says, in Surah Al Rahman : "Is there any reward for good but good?" No, there isn't. It just grows and grows. Subhaan Allah! "Then which of the favors of your Lord will you deny?"

Make That Call

2010-11-10T13:55:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaikum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

How many of us have at least one person that we haven't talked to in a long while. Someone that perhaps we have been out of touch with for so long that we feel embarrassed or shy to even call by now?

How many of us have received a call from a friend or acquaintance after a long time and been really pleased that they remembered us? That even though a long time had passed, they still got in touch... apologies and all. If you ever had it happen to you, then you know that it's better to make the call than leave it any longer. It's called strengthening the ties of brotherhood/sisterhood. It's what our Ummah is all about.

Abu Dharr said: My friend (the Prophet) ordered me to observe seven things. He ordered me to love the poor and be near them; he ordered me to consider my inferior and not consider my superior; he ordered me to be kind to the kinsman and to preserve and keep intact the bond of kinship; he ordered me not to ask anyone for anything; he ordered me to speak the truth even when it is bitter; he ordered me not to fear for Allah's sake reproach anyone may cast on me; and he ordered me to repeat often, "There is no might and no power except in God," for these words are a part of the treasure under the throne. (Ahmad)

I had a friend who I hadn't heard from in a couple of weeks. I gave her a call to see what was happening with her and to apologise for not calling earlier. Turns out she didn't even know what day Eid was on and that there was the Deal of the Year coming up on Yawm Al Arafat to wipe out two years of sins. Subhaan Allah! Then she told me that she'd been depressed and I told her to scream, shout and kick Shaytaan out. The next day she called to say that Allah sent the call to her just when she needed it and that she was back on track. Alhamdul'Illahi Rabbil al-ameen! You just never know how, or who, your call might benefit.

We all get busy in our lives. But when someone makes the time for us, remembers us in all the rush, we feel special and loved. The ties of kinship are precious. Make the time, even if only for 5 minutes. Make your list of neglected friends and give them a call.

You can never go wrong in doing good. Make your list of people who there is some bad feeling between you, then build a bridge and get over it.

"The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better, then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend." [Quran 41:34]

Make the call, pay the visit. Believers are to each other like bricks in a wall, one supporting the other and each relying on each other for support. Without all the bricks, the wall becomes weak and falls down. Strengthen the walls, bring our Ummah back together one brick at a time... one call at a time.

Why I Travel

2010-11-09T21:02:00.001+03:00

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I read this, by chance, and was instantly brought to tears. (Yes, I know I'm just a like a leaky tap when it comes to Islam!) Anyway, I have never seen this from it's source, but this is apparently some poetry from Imām ash-Shāfi‘ī, Raḥimahullāh:

Leave your home in search of the heights and travel

Because there are five benefits of traveling:

To relieve your despair,

To seek to enrich your livelihood,

To seek knowledge and good character,

And to accompany righteous companions.”

Subhaan Allah, there are no coincidences. I travel for every one of those reasons.

I travel to relieve my despair: When shaytaan has infiltrated some part of my life and I need my time alone with my Rabb, I walk. I travel around and around, thinking and talking with Allah until I arrive at my destination - a blessed place in mind and spirit.

I travel to seek livelihood: I have flown to Madinah al Munawarah with my husband and family seeking halal livelihood in a blessed and Islamic environment.

I travel to seek knowledge and good character: I travel every weekday to a Quran school to learn Arabic, Quran, Islamic Studies, and to study with teachers and among other sisters who all encourage each other to good character. I travel on weekends to spend time with valued friends who I can rely on to seek Allah's pleasure.

I travel to accompany righteous companions: This is the most broad area of my travel because I have physically traveled to accompany righteous companions, and every day of my life I travel with many beautiful sisters, kindred spirits, along the path of this dunya towards our goal of Jennah. When one gets tired, another gives her a pep talk. When one gets sidetracked, another re-focuses her. When one struggles, another supports. It is the travel that reaps rewards and benefits without ever having to leave my home. While there are many downfalls of technology and this Internet Revolution, most certainly this is one of the most beautiful things about it. Sisterhood, brotherhood, the joining and uniting of believers in their struggles as they travel along life's path.

I am overwhelmed by the blessing of so many righteous companions on seeking to remain firmly on the Siraat al Mustaqeem (The Straight Path). "Then which of the favors of your Lord will you deny?"

Mean and Monstrous Mama Mai!

2010-11-07T21:22:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Friday was a day of speaking my mind clearly, without "volume," and with perfect frankness. Who to? My daughters. This is something I haven't read about in the mothering books, blogs, and magazines but I think it is worth sharing.

My 7 year old is now praying all the prayers with her 10 year old sister and I, mashaa'Allah. This is a beautiful and blessed thing, wa al hamdu l'Illah. However, as soon as we finish praying she starts to talk to me, ask questions, or just chat about anything that comes to her mind. I, on the other hand, wish to say all my dua', adhkaar, and suwar after my prayer. Several times I have asked, or told, her not to talk to me or distract me until I'm finished, but she seems to forget that on a daily basis. So, last Friday when she proceeded to repeatedly ask me some relatively unimportant question, I stayed silent until I had finished my after prayer routine and then I spoke to her (and the other girls, as they were in the room as well). Here's what Mean and Monstrous Mama Mai said:

"Do you expect me to leave my communication with Allah to answer your non-urgent question or to chat with you? I have told you many times about this, but now I must make things clear. My Rabb and getting to Jennah are the most important things in my life. If this is my last prayer and adhkaar, then I need it to count for me, not against me. This time I spend with my Rabb may be the thing that tips my scales to the right hand side. I will not answer you or give you priority over Allah or my chances for Jennah. You are not more important than those things. If, for example, Allah should command me not to speak to you again, I would obey that command because obedience to Allah, subhaana wa taala, is first."

Now, that is not verbatim because I don't have that photographic memory, but it is most certainly what I said. Some of you may be thinking by now, "Mai is a really harsh and mean mother!" However, I have realized that everything we do is an example and a lesson for our children. If my children don't see me put Allah first, they will not think it important. If they don't understand that NOTHING is more important than worshiping Allah and pleasing Him, then they will be lost. So, I'm not only taking care of my needs, but I'm walking the walk and talking the talk so they can see priorities in action.

I imagine that many of you nicer and sweeter mothers get the message across in a much more loving and indirect way, but that's what I did and no-one seems the worse for it, wa al hamdu l'Illah! Truly every ounce of good is from Allah, and every good intention is rewarded.

Love your Lemons!

2010-11-01T20:58:00.002+03:00

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh!

Through Allah's Grace and Inspiration, I wrote this to a dear sister of mine recently and I felt it was worth sharing with others.

There is no doubt that we are all exactly where we are meant to be. It's up to us to accept Allah's Qadar gladly, or not. Keep on striving and never give up the dua'. If we follow Allah's Guidance and seek His pleasure, He will never fail his faithful servants. He always gives us exactly what we need, when we need it.

This is an analogy...but apply it to your life situations and you will surely find a great deal of appreciation for His blessings.

Lemons are a beautiful fruit. Some may think them sour, but they have a unique taste, smell, and many uses. Make lemonade from every single lemon...and use the peels for deodorizing, cleaning stainless steel, in a pot of tea, a little of the zest in muffins or a cake, then dry the skins that are left to make potpourri.

Get the FULL BENEFIT from everything you are presented in life...so you can fully appreciate Allah's gifts.

Update

2010-11-01T20:39:00.001+03:00

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum!

I think it is time I put in an appearance on this blog, especially as some people think I've dropped off the face of the earth. Since Ramadan, life has been very busy for my family and me. This is the year that I finally get something I've been yearning for - Arabic and Quran classes. Yes, my girls and I are all attending Dar al Haafidhaat here in Madinah al Munawarrah and we are growing like little sprouts there, mashaa'Allah.

My youngest daughter is in KG2, my other daughters are in the girl's class, which covers Quran, Tajweed, Islamic Studies, and Arabic. I am in mustawa thani (level 2 Madina books) and learn Quran, Tajweed, Islamic Studies, Arabic Language, Arabic Reading Comprehension, Arabic Composition, and Arabic Dictation. Wheee! I cannot express my joy aside from saying, "LA! LA! LA!"

Of course, I am also homeschooling the girls when we get back home around noon time and trying to stuff my own homework in somewhere between cooking dinner and going to bed. I'm a busy bunny, and my ideas are just lying unwritten because of all these developments. Never mind, though, as I'm having a break for Dhul Hijjah and Hajj, so there should be more time for sharing bi ithn Illah.

Some of the topics on my list of things to write about are:

- Sharing some of the Islamic websites that I have found excellent for my children.
- Sharing some thoughts on what has made a big impression on me lately.
- Adding to My Favorite Mind Food page.
- Consistency, constancy, and common sense in parenting.
- The long-term machinations and sharp angles that shaytaan catches us with.
- Some musings about polygany.

A thing that crossed my mind lately is that we must be aware and seek refuge with Allah from all the harm and evil in the things we do/read/are exposed to, and to beg Him for the good and benefit in them. This is important! For example., my daughter loves to read but I realized that although she derives benefit from reading, there can also be harm if shaytaan gets his way. I wrote out a little dua' for her to say before she starts reading a book, to safeguard her, inshaa'Allah. From this, the idea has blossomed and I see that we cannot be careful enough in protecting ourselves, because shaytaan never sleeps. Audhu b'Illahi min ashaytaan ir-rajeem!

Much love to you all!

Just One of My Fears...

2010-10-24T17:32:00.001+03:00

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah.

Many things are chugging through, flitting about in, wandering in and out of, and seriously on my mind. One of them, which is extremely important and is a great fear of mine is the danger of enjoying having people agree with me, praising, or showing appreciation for what I do, write, or say to them.

When I write, I put my ideas out into cyberspace for the purpose of self-development, to communicate with friends, and in case it might benefit anyone who happens to read them. I have asked myself if I would write if nobody ever commented or responded in any way to it. The answer is yes. I write because I believe there is benefit in it for me. As I grow, struggle, and strive I keep an account of at least some of what my mind and heart are going through. Perhaps, years from now, my children will read all this and have a better idea of who their mother really is, what she was about, and how much she put into the whole family's growth and development.

However, when I get a comment that someone agrees with me or says thanks for posting something, I often stand at the stove (don't ask me why this place) and worry to myself that I might have a trace of "praise junkie" in me. Audhu b'Illahi min ash-shaytaan ir-rajeem! That is so frightening. Also, I fear the sin of kibr (feeling proud of myself) because of something I wrote that is agreed with or appreciated. Ugh! I know that the perfect words are the Quran, that the most beneficial words for our life practice are the ahadith, and that the light shed on the Quran and Sunnah come from the true scholars. They are my focus for reading, learning, and attainment. So what is the point of writing anything?

Okay, I've brought myself to this point. I understand that we have all those beautiful resources, and those are what I read, turn to, and strive to base my life on. However, I am striving, struggling, and going through all kinds of developmental stages which other mere humans may well relate to. I'm not "THERE" yet, and never will be...but perhaps sharing my journey will encourage or at least give me company along the path...ya Rabb, inshaa'Allah ALWAYS the siraat al mustaqeem - ameen.

A "Subhaan Allah" Moment

2010-09-07T20:37:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah, wa assalaamu alaykum.

Every now and then a beautiful lightbulb goes off in my head after an event, so here I am to share it. My 7 year old daughter was asking during yesterday evening's iftar why it is that when she reads an ordinary book, she understands it better when she reads to herself but with the Quran, she understands it better when she reads it out loud. I took note of it and responded that I didn't know, but it is an interesting question.

Of course, as I'm a pondering person, I was considering her question when suddenly, "PING!" I had it! The Quran is better understood read aloud, because it is meant to be recited! Not only is it meant to be recited, we gain the most reward from reciting rather than simply reading to ourselves. We gain the reward of 10 hasanaat per letter. We gain the reward from our tongues, our lips,our throat, our lungs, our jaw, and our mind all working together to recite Allah's perfect words. They can testify for us , inshaa'Allah, on Yawm ad-Deen. Allah is, yet again, showering his blessings down on us by making our Book of guidance easiest to understand in the form that gains the best reward. Oh, how our Lord fills our hearts with his generosity!

Of course, I told my daughter after fajr this morning and now she has another beautiful revelation this Ramadan. All praise be to Allah, the Perfect Provider for all needs!

A Joyful Reminder

2010-08-18T16:00:00.003+03:00

As salaamu alaikum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh to all my dear sisters!

These are things I ponder on as I go about my day.

There are NO BATHROOMS TO CLEAN in Jennah
There are NO DISHES TO WASH in Jennah
There is no LAUNDRY or IRONING to do in Jennah
There are NO "What on earth shall I make for dinner?" moments in Jennah
There are NO BAD HAIR DAYS in Jennah
There is NO NEED FOR MAKEUP in Jennah
We will ALWAYS SMELL WONDERFUL in Jennah
We will NEVER HAVE TO PEE, POOP, or PUKE in Jennah
We will NEVER HAVE A SINGLE ISSUE ABOUT OUR BODIES OR APPEARANCE in Jennah
We will have the MOST DELICIOUS FOOD and NEVER HAVE TO PREPARE IT in Jennah
and....
We will NEVER HAVE A BAD THOUGHT, FEELING, EMOTION, OR EXPERIENCE in Jennah.

Those thoughts make me go about my daily chores GLADLY, and even make me drag myself up to go the extra mile to do special things for my family. It seems such a small and simple price to pay for such an UNBELIEVABLE reward.

I love you, sisters. Keep on trucking, bi ithn Allah!

Reach Out Today!

2010-08-18T15:41:00.003+03:00

BismIlah wa as salaamu alaikum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh!

Do something today. Reach out to somebody. Offer them something of yourself: your smile, your support, your prayer rug, a tasty treat. Share a mind-blowing Hadith Qudsi. Share a touching story of how Allah has blessed you. Share your favorite surah of Quran and why you love it. Invite someone to pray with you. Move the rock or stick in the path, or toy in the hallway LOL, so others can pass . Hold the door open for someone. Kiss your husband on his cheek as you walk past his chair. Bake your family's favorite cookies. Every one of these things is a sadaqah... and they don't even cost a penny.

"Verily, those who give Sadaqat, men and women, and lend to Allah a goodly loan, it shall be increased manifold and theirs shall be an honorable good reward." [Quran 57:18]

You give in charity and Allah, swt, rewards you.

"Whoever works righteousness, whether male or female, while he (or she) is a true believer, verily, to him We will give a good life (in this world) with respect, and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do." [Quran 16:97]

You may also be rewarded by a smile of gratitude or a warm thank you from the person or people you reach out to, but that is just an added bonus. The rewards start coming from the very minute you start thinking about what you can do to reach out. They just keep flowing as you prepare, make your intention, and act. How can we pass up such an opportunity for a flow of rewards that lead to a big gush when we do the good deed?

"... but His plan is to test you in what He has given you; so strive as in a race in good deeds..." [Quran 5:48]

What are these rewards? The good deeds that are recorded by the Angel on your right side. "Then, as for him who will be given his Record in his right hand, He surely will receive an easy reckoning" [Quran 84:7-8]

It's all about Jennah... everything else is insignificant.

Emulating the Sunnah in our Food

2010-08-16T18:03:00.001+03:00

As salaamu alaikum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh!

Okay, I'm a die hard extremist. A fundamentalist to the roots. But here it is, my "issue of the day" for all those who care to chew on it. (Pardon the pun, lol!)

Have you ever considered what the Prophet ﷺ and the Sahabah ate? Have you ever considered that emulating the life of the Prophet ﷺ should include food? For me, it is all part and parcel of my Islam, so here is what I have to put on the table. (Oh, I'm just too punny today!)

Did bleached sugar exist during the time of the Prophet ﷺ?
Did bleached rice exist during the time of the Prophet ﷺ?
Did bleached or white flour exist during the time of the Prophet ﷺ?
Come to think of it, did bleach exist during the time of the Prophet ﷺ?
Did they have freezers and cupboards full of canned goods?
Did they have out of season vegetables irradiated and flown across the world so that that they could enjoy blueberries in December?
Did they have hydrogenation plants at the time of the Prophet ﷺ to process our oil to within a molecule of plastic?
What about chemical pesticides? Chemical preservatives? Artificial coloring? Artificial flavoring? Artificial anything?

If you all are in the "know", and answered "no", then perhaps you are getting the drift... that foods during the time of the Prophet ﷺ were what we now term "organic". They were whole, unprocessed, natural.... and nutrient rich.

Why didn't issues about whether mono and di-glycerides being halal come up then? Because all that never existed! And where did all the disease of modern day come from... processed foods, chemicals, preservatives, pesticides.

What is the first thing the doctor tells you if you are diabetic? Eat whole grains, whole wheat bread and pasta, brown rice, cut out the refined sugars. Masha'Allah, the doctor is advising you to follow the Sunnah!

So to all who say they are striving to emulate the life and times of the Prophet ﷺ and the Sahabah, please think about the food.They were the Original Islamic Green Movement... self-sufficient, organic, natural, whole grain, with seasonal and locally grown foods. I see many of us eating highly processed foods. Does the Sunnah end where the stomach, and sadly our lust for food, begins?

Want to make some lifestyle changes to bring it closer to the Sunnah? Don't know where to start? Just ask! We can work on it together, insha'Allah.

Why are you alive?

2010-08-16T16:55:00.002+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum.

Someone posed the question, "Why are you alive and what keeps you alive?" This is what I answered. As it was da'awah, I used the term God to keep the asker's mind open.

"I am alive because God willed me to be. There is no existence without Him. What keeps me alive is also God's will as my life and my death are in His hands. He wills for me to continue in this life, appreciate all of His blessings, worship, and obey Him. Quite simply, God sent down His message to prophet after prophet. Each one said follow my example, and worship God. That's what we are here to do, and if we follow the example of the prophets, who all submitted to God, we will be successful in this life and the hereafter. That success is the goal."

Da'wah: Have Mercy

2010-08-16T16:54:00.002+03:00

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaikum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh

What is mercy? Here is a definition:

a refraining from harming or punishing offenders, enemies, persons in one's power, etc.; kindness in excess of what may be expected or demanded by fairness;
forbearance and compassion - imprisonment rather than the death penalty imposed on those found guilty of capital crimes
a disposition to forgive, pity, or be kind; the power to forgive or be kind;
clemency to throw oneself on the mercy of the court; kind or compassionate treatment;
relief of suffering a fortunate thing; a thing to be grateful for; a blessing.

Where is our mercy? Where is our compassion? For many, we are soft and merciful with our children. We are merciful and forgiving with our families, even if they aren't Muslim. But are we merciful with others? Are we merciful with those who we don't like, or who we don't approve of? What about the non-Muslims that we perceive as immoral, the Muslims who we perceive as disobedient or astray? Most certainly, we are not to take them as our friends and close companions, but do we show them mercy? To show mercy, through small kindnesses and polite dealings is to show the beauty of Islamic manners and practice. If we want mercy, we need to show it.

Imam Abu Dawud, At-Tirmithi reported that the prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said: "The merciful people will have mercy bestowed upon them by Allah (subhaana wa taala). Be merciful with those on earth, so He who in the heaven (Allah) will have mercy on you."

Imam Bukhari, Muslim and At-Tirmithi reported that the prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said: "Allah will not have mercy on the one who does not have mercy on people."

May Allah, Al-Rahman, Al-Raheem, open our hearts to be more merciful, that He may shower His mercy on us - ameen!

Behind the Veil; I'm Loving It!

2010-08-16T16:53:00.004+03:00

As salaamu alaikum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I gave a speech in college about wearing niqaab. I was the only niqaabi there, so it seemed appropriate. Here's what I said.

"It's a controvertial issue; all you can see are my eyes. Wearing the face veil is my personal choice. I’m not oppressed; I’m just doing my thing.

Islam mandates that Muslim women cover everything but their hands and faces from non-relative, marriageable men. Here is why some of us choose to cover our faces as well.

I became Muslim over 20 years ago and only decided to cover my face 5 years ago while living here in the United States. In fact, in the 6 years I’ve been living here and my previous time in England I learned that the majority of women who cover their faces are native to the country they live in so most of them here are American and most in England are British.

The three main reasons I, and women like me cover our faces are:

1) To protect ourselves.
a. Wearing the veil not only identifies us as Muslim women, it serves as a barrier between the outside world and us. Without a face to focus on, men don’t usually approach us for friendly social interaction.
b. 1 in 6 women are raped or sexually assaulted in their lifetime here in the USA. We don’t present anything that might attract or incite those men who cannot control themselves.
c. Serial killers are notorious for targeting certain types of women with specific physical attributes; we don’t allow them that knowledge.

2) To safeguard our family life.
a. We save our beauty, make-up, henna, perfume and little black dresses for our husbands. They are his exclusively, not for the eyes or enjoyment of any other man. We never hear the question, “Who are you getting all dressed up for?” or “Where are you going dressed like that?” because we only dress up for our husbands and ourselves. There is no fear that we are trying to attract other men, which builds a very trusting relationship.

3) To protect and respect the rest of society.
a. We don’t want to attract a man away from his wife, family.
b. We don’t want to present to any other woman’s partner something he might prefer over her.
c. We don’t want to cause any insecurities to other women.
d. We don’t want to entice men who are unmarried and don’t have an outlet for their desires.

Each one of us acts according to what he or she believes is good and right. Hopefully now when you see someone covered as I am, you can understand that we are happily behind the veil. "

Da'wah: Simple Explanation of Hijab/Niqab

2010-08-16T16:52:00.001+03:00

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum.

I once used an analogy with some students about why I wear niqab. Obviously, it is not the whole reason...but it puts across the basic concept. A sister commented that this could be used for adults too, so I'm sticking it here in case it might benefit.

I said, "If you had a cheese sandwich every day and loved it, you would be happy and content every day with that sandwich and look forward to eating it. When someone comes along and offers you peanut buttter and jelly or chicken, then you start to become discontent with the cheese, wanting more variety. I cover because I don't want to put more choices in front of the eyes of men. I want them to be content and happy with what they already have."

You may change the examples; they may be toys, favorite stories, even friends, but the concept remains the same. Perhaps it will be useful for some who have a hard time coming up with an answer that people can relate to.

Da'wah: Speak English if that's your language

2010-08-16T16:49:00.004+03:00

As salaamu alaikum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

This is mainly for sisters living in non-Muslim countries. How many of you have had people "decide" you must be a foreigner because you wear hijab or niqab? Your Muslim, so you MUST be Iraqi, Iranian, Saudi, Pakistani, etc. right? You may even have been advised by a complete stranger to go back to your own country. I know I have!

Well, I realized a few years ago that making a point to speak in public places such as the shops, park, etc. has turned some heads and minds. I usually have my children with me, so it's not like I'm talking to myself and others think I'm bonkers, LOL. But when they hear a clearly British accent, and for some friends a clearly American accent, it throws off their stereotype. Interestingly, I have been asked plenty of questions and been responded to with genuine interest and normalcy once people heard me speak. I even make a point to speak a few words to the cashier in the shop or raise a little laugh if the opportunity arises.

What has been the result of this, you ask? I have store personnel go out of their way to say hello and ask how I am now. One cashier even started asking me more about how to get whole grains in her diet because she'd been diagnosed with diabetes! I have been asked a variety of questions about why I cover, especially my face, and other aspects of Islam...while pushing my girls on swings and even mooching in thrift shops. I'm sure that many of you have had some kind of experience where someone heard you speak, picked up that you were a "native" of your country, and responded positively.

Dispelling preconceptions is a form of da'awah...so next time you want your children to get off the supermarket displays, don't whisper, say it nice and clearly so you are heard, insha'Allah.

Da'wah: Small Kindnesses

2010-08-16T16:46:00.004+03:00

As salaamu alaikum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh,

I went to the supermarket one morning and the man in front of me in the check-out not only moved the dividers along so they could be reached, he moved his own groceries further up on the conveyor belt so I would have more space to place mine. I appreciated it. I thought to myself, small kindnesses go a long way to making an impression on others. They speak of compassion, caring, politeness, consideration, and a kind heart.

I standardly smile, hold doors open, offer assistance where warranted, and let cars go ahead of me in traffic. Now I think that if we have a whole surah dedicated to the subject, Surah Al Maun, and the most beautiful example of selfless generosity and kindness in our Prophet, SAW, then we should be nicer, kinder, more considerate, politer, more compassionate, more caring, with kinder hearts than anyone else. We need to set the record for small kindnesses. It is a powerful form of da'awah and nothing less than an obligation as Muslims.

Da'wah: I want that "FEEL GOOD" she has!

2010-08-16T16:22:00.004+03:00

As salaamu alaikum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh akhawaati,

Ever hear the expression, "she's the envy of all her friends?" Or maybe the one, "I don't know what it is, but she's found the secret to happiness?" Well, da'awah should be about you being so unbelievably happy that the people around you want to know what the secret is. Da'awah should be everyone else wanting the "feel good" feeling that you have every single day because Allah, SWT, blessed you with this perfect deen.

If you never ate cake, and you see someone eating cake and looking miserable or sickened, will you think cake is delicious and something you want to eat? Many of the non-Muslims around us don't have a clear idea of what is good about Islam. If they see us complaining, miserable, or even just so, so about it, then why will they ever think it is something great? But, masha'Allah, seeing us as joyous, full of life, radiant women whose key to happiness is obedience to Allah, SWT, through Islam is a big advertising campaign. In fact, it is the biggest da'awah you could ever give.

Do you need to spout out all kinds of information to convince others that Islam brings about perfect happiness and peace? No. Just let them see it in action, show them what it does for you so that they can start wanting all that "feel good." Then you may just find that they start searching for the key to happiness themselves insha'Allah.