Tuesday, May 4, 2010

My Heart is Constricted and my Tears cannot be Contained

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum.

Put this day down in my history book. There have only been a few of them in my life...since being Muslim. This is one of those days when the thing I cannot tolerate happened. I was misunderstood by someone dear to me and I hurt her. My speech and actions caused her to cry. As soon as I realised, I apologised and tried to clear it up. However, that was the least of the matter.

I cannot stand to be misinterpreted or misunderstood by those close to me. I'm not talking about the difference in British English or American English. I'm talking about someone thinking there is something negative, malicious, hurtful, condescending, or hateful in what I say. When someone interprets my words or actions in a way pleasing to shaytaan, I become ill. My heart is constricted, my stomach is in knots, and I cannot raise a genuine smile without tears.

Mashaa'Allah, by now the matter has been cleared up and I have managed, through a torrent of tears, to apologise again and make it clear that this was a big mistake on my part. Why? Because, I should take more care about what I say and how I react to people, taking into consideration how it might be misconstrued. Why? Because taking care of my every dealing with others is part of taqwa and part of loving for others what I love for myself.

However, even though all is well between this young girl and myself now, I am not fine. I have sat in prayer, drippy-nosed and runny-eyed making dua' al istighfar and praying Allah will guide me to much better conduct and thoughtfulness. I'm disappointed in myself; sick of my stupid mistakes. Audhu b'Illahi min asshaytaan irrajeem!

Don't worry. I cannot leave it at that. I'm grateful to my Rabb that He resolved the misunderstanding today. I'm grateful to have this experience to humble me and to, inshaa'Allah, guide me to improvement. I'm grateful that my heart is in ruins and I am in a state of despair when I do something wrong. All thanks and praise is for Allah, who gives us EXACTLY what we need, EXACTLY when we need it....for verily the reminder benefits the believer and the lesson increases taqwa and emaan.