Sunday, October 24, 2010

Just One of My Fears...

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah.

Many things are chugging through, flitting about in, wandering in and out of, and seriously on my mind. One of them, which is extremely important and is a great fear of mine is the danger of enjoying having people agree with me, praising, or showing appreciation for what I do, write, or say to them.

When I write, I put my ideas out into cyberspace for the purpose of self-development, to communicate with friends, and in case it might benefit anyone who happens to read them. I have asked myself if I would write if nobody ever commented or responded in any way to it. The answer is yes. I write because I believe there is benefit in it for me. As I grow, struggle, and strive I keep an account of at least some of what my mind and heart are going through. Perhaps, years from now, my children will read all this and have a better idea of who their mother really is, what she was about, and how much she put into the whole family's growth and development.

However, when I get a comment that someone agrees with me or says thanks for posting something, I often stand at the stove (don't ask me why this place) and worry to myself that I might have a trace of "praise junkie" in me. Audhu b'Illahi min ash-shaytaan ir-rajeem! That is so frightening. Also, I fear the sin of kibr (feeling proud of myself) because of something I wrote that is agreed with or appreciated. Ugh! I know that the perfect words are the Quran, that the most beneficial words for our life practice are the ahadith, and that the light shed on the Quran and Sunnah come from the true scholars. They are my focus for reading, learning, and attainment.  So what is the point of writing anything?

Okay, I've brought myself to this point. I understand that we have all those beautiful resources, and those are what I read, turn to, and strive to base my life on. However, I am striving, struggling, and going through all kinds of developmental stages which other mere humans may well relate to. I'm not "THERE" yet, and never will be...but perhaps sharing my journey will encourage or at least give me company along the path...ya Rabb, inshaa'Allah ALWAYS the siraat al mustaqeem - ameen.