The DANGER in disappointment

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

Subhaan Allah, I have had to correct my thinking and turn my focus around, back to myself and away from what is in front of me. 

I see so much that disappoints me, but am I in a position to be disappointed in others? Subhaan Allah, I am a disappointment to myself every day! I realize that I am disappointed in being exposed to Allah's Qadr! 

What I see, I'm meant to see. Who I am with, where I go, what I experience is all meant for me. So how can I be disappointed? After all, if what other people do isn't pleasing to Allah it isn't my standards they are not meeting, it's Allah subhaanahu wa ta'ala's. They are in my life, in my view, part of an experience that I am meant to witness Qadr Allahu wa maa shaa fa'al. 

What I need to do is benefit from it all. I need to make du'a that Allah doesn't test me with the same deficiencies and that He forgives others and removes those deficiencies from them. I need to have taqwa and turn away from the makrooh and haram. I need to exercise wisdom and manners in handling situations, whether in giving dawah or forbidding a wrong or teaching what is correct. I need to use the examples to motivate and push me to better behavior because they are warnings, they are vicarious lessons, they are blessed motivators.

I love the statement: If it doesn't move me closer to Allah, I don't want it. However, I had to follow that up with: It's up to me to make everything move me closer to Allah. It's up to me to say alhamdulillah and see the benefit and blessing in those things that will move me closer to Allah.

Subhaanak, Allahumma wa bihamdik, laa illaaha ilaa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

A Gift for my Sisters...A Wake Up Call

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I was blessed to take a course called the Sakina Wife. It was the refresh and recharge I needed alhamdulillah. It changed me, improved aspects of my behavior, my understanding, and my deen. It proved to be the cherry on top of my marriage wa Allahu Akbar wa l'Illah il Hamd! Truly Allah subhaanahu wa ta'ala gives you what you need exactly when you need it. May Allah reward those who provide the course and the additional ones that build upon it - ameen.

We were gifted this book with the permission to share it when we completed the course. While the course goes into depths, this book addresses mistakes we make that truly sabotage ourselves, our deen, and our marriages. Whether you are married or not, this is a truly valuable read. 

https://www.scribd.com/document/1017865283/Full-Stop-New-Line-1

May Allah bless us all with success in our marriages and may we all be blessed with entry into Jennah though any gate we choose - ameen.

Mend your Clothing, Fix your Car...Points to reflect upon in Marriage and Polygyny

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

This thought has been so strong and predominant in my thoughts lately that I just have to write about it, if only to release it from my mind! It's just a little exercise of connecting the dots and setting priorities that might resonate with someone and bring about some beautiful benefit bi idhn Illah ta'ala.

What did the sahaabah do regarding their garments? They made dua of gratitude to Allah for clothing them, acknowledging that they had no power to do so and it was only Allah's blessing upon them. What about when their clothes were worn and had holes? They mended them. They didn't buy another one or throw it away, they fixed what they had. There is even a dua to be said upon wearing new clothes asking Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'ala to replace it when it is worn out. So it was received and worn with gratitude, used, cared for, and mended until it was worn out. Maximum benefit from the garments Allah blessed them with. 

In marriage, we are told in the Quraan that the husband and wife are garments for each other. So what would be fitting to do with the garments? First, be grateful for what you have been blessed with in your spouse. Take good care of your marriage, mend it when it has deficiencies, beautify it, and work on it to the end of your life.

Another analogy is that marriage is like a car. It is, actually, because it is quite literally a vehicle to get you to Jennah, in shaa Allah. If you are happy with the car, find it reliable and it has served you well, what happens when it needs some maintenance, maybe things need to be fixed. Do you leave it in that state and go buy another car...or do you do the maintenance, make an effort to fix it? A neglected car will eventually fall into ruin...in marriage terms, misery, separation, or divorce.

Sometimes a reason that divorce or polygyny is sought is because there are deficiencies in the existing marriage. Spouses don't communicate what they are missing, what they need or yearn for in the relationship. Before you give up and/or move on to another marriage, it is important to examine what you have. Allah says in Surah Ibrahim, ayah 7. 

وَإِذْ تَأَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمْ لَئِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ ۖ وَلَئِن كَفَرْتُمْ إِنَّ عَذَابِى لَشَدِيدٌۭ ٧

And ˹remember˺ when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will certainly give you more. But if you are ungrateful, surely My punishment is severe.’”

So be grateful for the family you have, work on the deficiencies, fix your vehicle - or at least try to - before looking for another. 

Moving on to another marriage (polygyny) when the existing one has problems is often the cause of resentment and heartbreak because instead of fixing what you have, you focus on investing in someone else...an unknown entity. Do your part and Allah promises to give you more. 

Subhaanak Allahumma laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

A polygyny post...after many years

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I will start by saying that this is not an anti-polygyny post. Neither is it to put people off polygyny. Rather is it a reality check.

When brothers say they want to show polygyny done properly/well/successfully there is very great danger in those words. Of course, most brothers will say in shaa Allah, but still they are basically saying that they are confident they can do it well. However, they have no idea if they can! For those who have not yet experienced polygyny, everything they plan or imagine is theory, not practice or reality.

There is a danger of arrogance that they think so confidently of themselves when success lies only with Allah. Nobody knows what Allah will test them with, but they are assured that they will be tested with their wealth, their families, their livelihood, their health, etc. This is not exclusive to those whose intention is not Islamically ideal or who go about it in the wrong way. We have endless examples of situations and tests from the early Prophets - alayhim salaat wa salaam - all the way to Prophet Muhammad - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam. We have examples from our scholars and from everyday life! And yet, even brothers who had failed attempts at marriage, particularly plural marriage, often say they will "get it right the next time." 

Subhaan Allah, the selection process is so very critical because they cannot know the heart and mind of the person they marry. They cannot know the reality of the future or how life will be with them until they experience it. All the theory in the world doesn't weigh an ounce compared to real life experience. Perhaps for this reason so many of them fail. The brothers are so sure they have what it takes and Allah shows them His Haqq. 

A huge factor in this subject is what I will call the major mismatch. There is a disparity between the type of women who actually want polygyny and the type of women men seeking polygyny want. The sisters who genuinely seek polygyny are usually those who are divorced or widowed, often with children, and unmarried sisters that are older. They need/want the support of a good husband and are not trying to compete or break up an existing family. Often they are considerate of the existing wife and family and will benefit them all. 

However, the young, single sisters who agree to polygyny very often have ulterior motives and/or confidence issues. They thrive on the idea that they are better than the existing wife, whether it be younger, thinner, more attractive, or whatever other insecurities they need to feed. Another case is when the younger sisters cannot find suitable single men to marry and settle for polygyny. This results in them feeling dissatisfied with sharing and often leads to them wanting him to divorce the existing wife or any imaginable type of fitnah around their dissatisfaction. 

You may ask, how can you say such things Mai? How do you know and how can you judge?

Because I've experienced it personally on a few occasions and seen it on many other occasions. I am not judging; often sisters don't even realize they have these underlying issues and they only surface when they live reality of polygyny. There are always exceptions and may Allah bless all my sisters with what they need. I'm simply sharing thoughts based on years of experience and observations.

Obviously, cultural aspects can play a large part in this and in certain countries and cultures it is normal for young girls to enter into polygyny without such issues. This is often because there is not a strong emotional and communicative relationship in those marriages and the women have a more subservient role, and Allah knows best. I am referring mainly to Western culture, although I have seen this to be rife in Arab culture as well.

So, after all this is taken into consideration and due diligence is done regarding a suitable spouse, pray istikhaara. It it comes back positive and you go ahead and enter into polygyny, just be prepared for tests and if it results in fitnah or divorce, simply accept that Allah led you to it and that test was meant for you.

May all of the Muslims to be rightly guided, have righteous intentions, and succeed in reaching the ultimate goal of Jennah - ameen!

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha ilaa ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Your first response changes your whole life!

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah wa alhamdulillah wa laa illaaha ila Allah wa Allahu Akbar!

There is not a single thing that Allah sends that isn't a blessing, whether clear or disguised. Not a single thing!

Before I go any further, let's just think of the story of Musa and Khidr in Surat ul Kahf. Musa assumed the worst of Khidr's actions, told him off, until Khidr said okay, that's it...and before parting with Musa explained the reality of his actions. Those actions were done for the sake of Allah! They were done at Allah's command! They were done in obedience to Allah! They were done for the best of reasons, which were not obvious to the onlooker, unless...

and here's where we come to the big reveal. If Musa had said one phrase upon seeing Khidr make a hole in the boat, kill the boy, and rebuild the wall it would have changed his whole mindset. What is that phrase? 

Alhamdulillah!

All thanks and praise are for Allah!

So the lesson we learn from that story is that qadr Allahu wa maa shaa fa'al - Allah decreed it and He does what He Wills and that Allah's Plan is the only Perfect Plan. 

Certainly, we must know Allah - His Names and Attributes - to understand that everything He sends is for our good, therefore there is good in everything He sends, hence we say first and foremost: alhamdulillah. 

How does this help us? Because sabr - patience - is at the first strike. Saying alhamdulillah reminds us first that we need to thank Allah for whatever He sends to us and praise Him for it. It changes your mindset immediately to see, or at least seek, the blessing in what He (azza wa jal) sent.

Here is a real-life example.

Someone sends you a message and shaytaan shouts in your ear, "Hey, that's really mean and spiteful!" You listen to that rotten devil and respond, "Let's fear Allah," or "Allah is just," implying that the person doesn't fear Allah or isn't just. However, if you immediately said alhamdulillah, it would send shaytaan running. Your response would reassure you that there is good in this message, and you focus on the good instead of assuming fault with the person who sent the message. That simple phrase stopped you from bad suspicions or assumptions about another Muslim, from insulting another Muslim, and reinforced what is fard (obligatory) upon us, which is husnu-thann - having the best suspicions of others and of Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'ala. Instead of having a negative response, we set ourselves up for success and, subhaan Allah, how quickly and easily we see the wisdom and benefit in what was sent to us when we trust Allah's perfect plan. 

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdik laa ilaaha illa Allah, astaghfirullah wa atoobu ilayk

Answering a question my daughter posed about divorce...

 After explaining the last post about whether you can succeed in a marriage without love and trust, my daughter posed a question. She asked, "So, what would you consider to be a sign that you should get a divorce?" Here's my response.

I would know I had to seek a divorce if my spouse was actively trying to sabotage my success with Allah, azza wa jal. If I was doing everything in my power to please Allah, following everything that I outlined in my last post, and yet they were proving to be my enemy, and therefore, and enemy to Islam, that would be my sign. 

The other sign would be some clear indication from Allah following a prayer of istikhara or perhaps during tahajjud, where He, subhaanahu wa ta'ala, placed a clear thought or understanding in my mind and heart that it was time to move on. 

The thing that I stressed to her, and this is the most important aspect, is that IF Allah decrees for me to be divorced and I have been a faithful servant and wife, then Allah is providing a new beginning for me with sustenance and security. I am not stepping into an abyss, I am stepping on solid ground with Allah as my Mawlaa wa alhamdullillahi Rabb il aal ameen!

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha ila ant, astaghfirullah wa atoobu ilayk.

Can you Succeed in a Marriage without Love and Trust?

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

In a world without the Islamic viewpoint, a marriage that doesn't have love or trust between the spouses is on the road to discord, misery, and divorce. Why? Because love and trust are considered the foundations of the union. They must love each other deeply and manifest that love in their words and actions. They must be loyal to each other, faithful and honest. So, what happens when these things are missing? There is no foundation and the whole thing crumbles.

In a marriage based on Islam, one can find themselves disillusioned with their partner, unable to trust them, even mentally and emotionally abused by them, which kills whatever love and trust they had. So how can they stay in the marriage, and why? Because from an Islamic viewpoint, marriage is a means to an end. It is half of your deen. We are not told that marriage is a love story or a test of trust between the spouses as such. We are, however, told that the marriage must have love and trust. 

The mistake we make is thinking that the love and trust have to be for our spouse.  No. The love and trust must be for Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'ala! When you love and trust in Allah, you know what He decreed for you is best. You know that if you do what He commands you to do, you will succeed. You know that in fulfilling others' rights, in meeting your Allah-given responsibilities, in living your Islam and doing all you can from what Allah, azza wa jal, is pleased with and loves, you are on His Siraat al Mustaqeem. When you focus on all that, you will find that you can more easily avoid sins because you are working towards your goal, not sabotaging it. 

I don't often quote any songs, but I often think of the words, "Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I! I will survive! Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive..."  As long as I know how to love Allah! People may think they can hurt or break you, but when you're living for the love and trust of Allah, they are insignificant. You destroy their power to hurt you and you hold the power bi idhn Illah ta'ala. 

It's all about perspective. It's all about that ultimate goal and remaining strong, firm, and determined on your path with that singular and clear goal in sight. 

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika laa ilaaha il ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk

Together but Separate Lives?

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Some marriages have a dynamic, developed over time, where the couple lives together and interact as normal but neither knows what the other is doing, buying, planning. Often when children are involved, they are the carriers of news to the wife, with nothing coming directly from the husband or vice versa. Some might call this dysfunctional, because there is clearly a problem with communication and a lack of respect or love that leads to such a situation. But you can live your life, get on with things, live quite separate lives and yet live in harmony together having a pleasant family life. 

How, you ask? It's simple. Just do what you are supposed to do. Meet your responsibilities. Fulfill others' rights over you. Honor the amana (trust) Allah has placed in you in your various roles - be it a spouse, a parent, a sibling, an offspring. Hang on to your faraa'id and do them with the knowledge that they are pure benefit for your dunya and your aakhirah. If you can tunnel your focus to these specific things, you can not only function in such situations, you can also flourish bi idhn Illah ta'ala!

Subhaanaka Allahi wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha il ant, astaghfir Allahu wa atoobu ilayk

My Remedy for Stinking Thinking

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I go through thoughts of not wanting to do things. I actually blow it up in my mind, making the task, action, or responsibility bad, awful even. But then, I understand that the attitude is being fueled by shaytaan. He doesn't want me to succeed. He wants to corrupt my thinking and sabotage my rewards.

So, action number one is to say the isti'aadhah (seek refuge with Allah from shaytaan, the accursed).

Action number two is to say the du'a, 

يَا حَيُّ يَا قَيُّومُ بِرَحْمَتِكَ أَسْتَغِيثُ أَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ وَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

(O Ever-Living, O Eternal One, by Your mercy I seek help; rectify all my affairs and do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for the blink of an eye).

Action number three, I ask myself this question regarding the thing I'm having negative thoughts about:

"Will I go to Jennah?"

Subhaan Allah, how that question puts everything into perspective! Subhaan Allah! 

Now, you might be thinking, how can you ask that question? You can't answer it; only Allah can. Well, here's where I explain.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “If a woman prays her five prayers, fasts her month of Ramadan, guards her chastity, and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from any gate she wishes.”

Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Ibn Ḥibbān 4163

Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Arna’ut

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ إِذَا صَلَّتِ الْمَرْأَةُ خُمُسَهَا وَصَامَتْ شَهْرَهَا وَحَصَّنَتْ فَرْجَهَا وَأَطَاعَتْ بَعْلَهَا دَخَلَتْ مِنْ أَيِّ أَبْوَابِ الْجَنَّةِ شَاءَتْ

4163 صحيح ابن حبان

9/471 المحدث شعيب الأرناؤوط خلاصة حكم المحدث صحيح في تخريج صحيح ابن حبان

In addition, take any hadith you choose regarding fulfilling your amana (trust) with Allah, taking care of your flock, the good deed erasing the bad deed, the rewards for the good deeds, and that everything we do with sincerity and the right attitude that is pleasing to Allah is aiding our Jennah account. 

Now can you see how easy it is to ask myself that question? That simple little question puts everything back into perspective and I can see that a small, simple, perhaps even insignificant thing can move me a step closer to that ultimate goal. It even makes me assess whether the things I might miss in life and relationships are really important in the scheme of things. It opens my mind to how those things are blessings, things that I can be grateful for because they increase my tawakkal, my du'a, my love of Allah, and my turning to Him for everything.

I have even asked my husband on occasion, "Will I go to Jennah?" and he looks at me quizzically. Then I quote that hadith and say that I'm doing my faraa'id so is he pleased with me? Subhaan Allah, it is a motivation to meet and exceed! What seemed mundane and tiresome when looking through shaytaan-stained glasses becomes a bargain not to be missed! Allahu Akbar wa l'Illah il hamd! 

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 

Power and Strength

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I have been thinking about marriage, relationships in general, and all the difficulties they can entail. Some people are in such destructive relationships that they are forced to leave in the end. They can no longer take it, some final straw has been broken, or they are abused (emotionally, mentally, physically - take your pick) and it has become intolerable. The situation has controlled the outcome and they had to leave; it wasn't their decision. They leave weak and broken, like the knocked-out boxer being dragged out of the ring. They are drained, spent and have to rebuild themselves. Qadr Allahu wa maa shaa fa'al!

So what happens when Allah gives you strength, through His blessings of emaan and tawakkal? This strength is power. It enables you to look at the situation, assess it, and decide whether you will stay or go. It gives you the ability to make Allah's pleasure your goal, rise above many situations of the dunya, and see, find, or make the good in your situation. It takes strength to walk away from a situation, but it also takes strength to stay in it. There are people in difficult relationships that have the ability to stay or go. They can look at the pros and cons, keep their eye on the goal, and decide if they want to remain or leave because they have the fortitude to do both. 

I have come to view that strength as a very difficult and dangerous thing. It can hold someone in a relationship that isn't beneficial. It can lead to enabling the other person in the relationship because their strength allows them to tolerate things that otherwise would not be acceptable. And yet, it can be the most amazing example of sabr - patient perseverance - and may hold the best rewards. 

If you are blessed with that strength, don't take it for granted and think yourself sufficient to handle whatever comes your way. Remember that your strength lies with Allah, and Allah must always be turned to for continued guidance and clarity that what you are doing is right and best. The power and strength that Allah blessed you with only remains a blessing when you give Him full credit for it. Know that you can become helpless and weak if you don't turn to the One Who gave you that strength and seek His help and guidance in all your affairs.

Subhaanak, Allahumma wa bihamdik, laa illaaha illa Allah, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

 

The Product of an Incident

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I get most of my inspiration for blog posts from situations that arise. Often, I jot down the ideas, concepts, or key points so I can expand on them. This is the sentence I noted down after an incident this past week. It is very comforting and calming for me.

Every time that Allah shows you the imperfections of others, 

He reminds you of the perfection of Himself. 

Inability to Communicate - I Understand

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

This post might seem a bit odd, considering all the positive stuff of late, but it's just a testimony to one of many things you may experience or feel. 

Some marriages are close, with strong and open communication. Some are not. There are marriages and relationships where even when you ask to go for a walk to talk or make time for communication, you are shut down. You are not allowed to communicate or express your feelings, ideas, or concerns. Any glimmer of a conversation that might have criticism, a dislike of something, or trying to work through a disagreement is not entertained. You may feel frustrated, resentful, isolated, sick and stressed from having no outlet for your feelings, unheard, uncared for, or dehumanized...how about ticking the box for "all of the above"? 

I want you to know that I understand. You are not alone. Although this can drive you explode and have outbursts that have negative repercussions, quickly make istighfar. Allah is Al Ghafoor, Al Afuww, Ar-Raheem!

Please remember that this is a whopping big reminder that you must take the words you say in every rakaah of every prayer seriously. "Iyyaaka na'abudu wa iyyaaka nasta'een!" (You alone we worship and You alone we turn to for help!) You can always turn to Allah, He hears everything. He knows before you open your mouth! He knows you inside out and He never shuts the door on you when you reach out. He is perfect; relationships with human beings are not. Deepen your communication with Allah and He will make a way for you. 

Subhaanaka Allahumma laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 

 

All Coming Together

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

We wrapped up the 8 Steps to Happiness book maashaa Allah, and everything has come together with the precise perfection only Allah can orchestrate, subhaan Allah! 

The 8 steps are in a nutshell:

1. True belief and perform good deeds

2. Occupy yourself with beneficial activity and or beneficial knowledge

3. Remembrance of Allah and Thankfulness to Allah

4. Removing what brings sadness and seeking out happiness - living in the present

5. Imagining worst situations

6. Firmness of the heart and reliance on Allah (tawakkal)

7. Repelling evil with good

8. Enjoying moments of happiness

Well, by the time I read each step, I was doing it all and - subhaan Allah - I felt all the benefit of it alhamdulillah!

Then, up popped a little webinar from Haleh Al-Banani on the 5 Pillars of Marriage. I would not normally bother to look at such things, but I took the time to listen and make notes. Here are my notes.

Marriage is much more about working towards a goal than other things. I personally can't master pillar number 2, qadr Allah, but the rest are all there. Positive stuff, maashaa Allah!

So, I'm taking time out for me, and it is very beneficial. I'm making time to do khayr and it's just the most wonderful happy feeling. I'm putting Allah first, so my attitude and emaan can remain more constant, and I'm chugging along like the little train that could. Alhamdulillahi Rabb il aal ameen!

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdik, laa illaaha illa Allah, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Charging Ahead

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I could start this post talking about all the things I haven't managed to do yet, but where is the positivity in that? So, I will tell you that I am charging ahead with the good deeds, with the gifts, with the sadaqah, with the determined efforts to do khayr and it is wonderful alhamdulillah! Whatever issues have arisen, Allah has given me great ease with maashaa Allah. My loneliness has been replaced by visits from sisters coming to bake, play games, and have lessons and having great conversations with my eldest daughter. My days have a good dose of "me" in them, full of positivity and progress with my PT exercises and hypopressives. I feel better, optimistic, hopeful maashaa Allah, wa alhamdulillah.

I'm charging ahead with the khayr: bringing smiles, bringing ease, meeting needs and wants bi idhn Illah ta'ala, and Allah is bringing me smiles, ease, and meeting my needs! 

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bi hamdihi, laa illaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Identifying My Mistake

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I kept replaying the sentence in my mind: "I feel that I am not a priority to those I make my priority." Then, as I was driving this morning it all came together clearly.  

I spent the day before telling a sister that she needed to take care of herself. That she would not be able to take care of her family if she wasn't maintaining herself. I even quoted the Qur'aan, where Allah says in Surat Tahreem to "save yourself and your family from the fire that is fueled by men and stones." He, subhaanahu wa ta'ala, tells us to save ourselves first and then our families. 

I have been taking steps to help myself, such as going to the doctor with a long list of years' long issues. I started physical therapy for 2 years of hip pain, 4 years of knee pain, and 19 years of carpal tunnel pain. How's that for not taking care of myself, just putting up with stress and pain? How's that for not honoring the body Allah blessed and entrusted me with, and yet running myself into the ground to try to take care of others? All these years of serving everyone else, of trying to please others at my own expense, of putting up with one niggling health issue after another, have turned my body into a tight, knotted up repository for stress and tension.

Yesterday, I enrolled in a program to fix another health condition that I've had for around 10 years, with the clear intention of taking care of my needs and addressing another stressor.  I'm taking time to do my PT exercises and stretches each day. I haven't been for my walks, still haven't done my daily time in the sunshine, but I'm still finding my way to taking the steps.

There has been a subtle change in my home since I started going for PT appointments and making time for my healing and wellbeing. Others have done more to help, alhamdulillah. They have perhaps seen me as an individual, rather than just a good old dependable part of the family. 

So then, what was my mistake?  I don't need to be a high priority to others, and I can still make others my priority. However, I need to be a top priority to myself.

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdihi, laa ilaaha illaa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Taking the steps...

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I finally went for a walk this morning and immediately started pondering how I had shut myself off from so much over the past couple of years. I was thinking I'd walk down the long lane beside our land, but once I got to the gate, I realized that I had no reason to walk outside of our land, maashaa Allah. It was crazy. We have 51 acres of land that I could take a walk on, not having to bother about cars driving by or wearing proper hijab or being far away if I was needed back at the house, and this was the first time I'd done it. Subhaan Allah, every time I take a step, make an effort to do something, Allah blesses me with so much! 

I walked around and saw things around the farm, snow-capped mountains to the west, smokey low mountains to the north, indescribable clouds in rows with a rainbow sherbet sunrise making itself seen below them and thought about how much I was missing of all Allah has given me to appreciate and be in awe of. How will I appreciate more if I don't expose myself to it, if I don't take the step and open my eyes to it? 

I remembered how my walks alone helped me to work through things and give myself time to unearth all the deep-down thoughts and emotions that have been swept under the rug for years and need to be addressed. I thought of friendships that seemed so imbalanced that I could no longer sustain them and just thought to myself, "Let it go. Make du'a, love them from afar, and let.it.go." 

Allah is opening my mind to reason and letting reason govern my reactions and emotions. It's a process, but one that I can clearly implement and work through inshaa Allah. So many times I feel hurt by something that, if the situation was reversed, I would not consider it hurtful. That thought alone is freeing! Just looking at it from a different perspective changes the whole picture. In turn, it releases stress and unreasonable emotional expectations. If others are simply doing their thing, so can I. I just have to keep taking my own steps.

So, my advice of the day to anyone who needs it is to take your own steps to what will help you and let Allah leave you awestruck!

Subhaan Allahi wa bihamdihi, laa illaaha ilaa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Allah's Response to my Horrible Stuff

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, after actually writing about my feelings and reaching out to Allah for His Help, here is the series of events He sent me. 

From others:

My eldest daughter did some things to help me around the house and started talking to me, having conversations throughout the day, maashaa Allah.

My dear friend in Minnesota contacted me, making du'a and telling me she was sending me something she hoped would brighten my day. Allahumma Baarik alayhaa daa'iman wa jazaaha Allahu khayr!

Another sister who recently contacted me, contacted me again and made the most beautiful du'a for the resolution of my struggles - Allahumma Baarik alayhaa daa'iman wa jazaaha Allahu khayr!

In me:

I thought to myself, obedience to Allah increases emaan and I need to make the effort to change things, take steps towards others, do more of what I love (giving, helping, good deeds) in order to feel better and improve my situation. I am naturally an introvert, so reaching out to others isn't the easiest thing for me, but the first step is usually the hardest and, in this case, it just got easier and easier from there, alhamdulillah.

So, I contacted one sister and offered some ideas to relieve her pain. Then I offered up my Sunday morning to teach sisters in our community how to bake bread and resume our Sunday Islamic Studies classes. I found hard copies of the last book we studied and ordered the last 4 I could find to gift the sisters. I offered to gift copies of the book we were going to start to any sisters in our community who would like one.  I was feeling better already. I even cleaned up and tidied because the sisters were coming and then felt happier about the state of our home. 

The baking went beautifully, a new skill that will inshaa Allah benefit them and their families for generations to come! 

Now, about the class...

The book we started is 8 Steps to Happiness - Awakening the Inner Self in Pursuit of Personal Change by Shaykh Abu Abdu-r-Rahman Nasir as-Sa'di (may Allah shower His Mercy upon him). 

So, guess what Chapter One said? It said happiness comes from having emaan and yaqeen in Allah and doing good deeds! Allahu Akbar! You see the complete circle? I reached out and tried to do more good deeds to feel better, increase my emaan, and then Allah told me that was exactly what would bring me happiness! Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar, wa l'Illah il Hamd! Ooh, how I'm looking forward to next Sunday's class and teaching the sisters how to make sandwich bread, bi idhn Illah ta'ala!

One of the sisters brought me a gift, these adorable socks, Allahumma Baarik alayha wa jazaaha Allahu khayr! Inshaa Allah these socks are made for walking, and I'll get outside soon and just enjoy a walk on my own.

I started fasting on Monday and will continue for ayaam il abeedh through Thursday inshaa Allah...and I will patiently persevere taking my steps towards Allah so He, Al-Wadood, runs to me. 

Much, much, much love to you all!

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdihi, laa illaaha ilaa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Horrible Stuff

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, I lost myself again. Not the autopilot, disconnect I sometimes feel when I'm busy, but to a whole new level, wa audhu b'Illahi min ashaytaan irrajeem! 

I have been feeling lonely. I feel that nobody wants to know me, know how I feel, what I like, what I dislike, my struggles. I feel that everything is expected of me, and yet nobody sees that I am a human being with needs. I feel like everything falls on me. I have to make contact, reach out to others, make the effort, be proactive. I feel pressure upon me and despair under that pressure. 

Please take note that I keep saying, "I feel...". That means that there are people around me and in my life who love me, care about me as a person, and maybe even truly want to be part of my life and do things I enjoy. I just don't feel like there are. Astaghfirullah! I want to go for walks, I'm not going anywhere. I cannot even fathom how to get anyone to walk with me. Sad, but true, I feel like running away...to nowhere.  

Oh, I need to read my own blog! I need to not take it personally when other people's idea of love isn't the same as mine. I need to rationalize that people have their own lives and don't have time to focus on me or listen to me. I feel that I am not a priority to those I make my priority. Yes, I seriously need to read my own blog! But no man is an island and while I'm never alone with my Perfect and Precious Rabb to turn to, He Who knows me inside out, I feel lonely surrounded by family and friends. 

Anyone know this feeling? Well, I know I need to do things to set myself right. I just have to fight through to increase in my ibadah and turn to Allah. He is the one to set right my heart and mind, to set right my relationships. 

Inshaa Allah, I will post again with my progress on this. It's been going on for a long time, so when I find solutions, I'll share inshaa Allah. 

Much love!

Subhaan Allahi wa bihamdihi, laa illaaha ila Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

 

Forgiveness!

 As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh!

A dear sister just sent me a message, asking me to forgive her for a comment she made over 11 years ago. Oh, how I love this sister! Oh, how I feel that total connection to her! Why? Because I sit and mull over all sorts of things that I am sorry for, that I make istighfar for, and that I seek forgiveness for. I worry that I've hurt or upset people, I constantly fear that I didn't say or do the best thing. Needless to say, I apologize a lot and make istighfar a lot. 

I went through so much when I responded to her 11 years ago, trying to be thorough but not displeasing to Allah in my manners. And even now, looking back, I worry that I didn't respond in the best way. So, to this dear sister, and to every sister who has ever asked for my forgiveness, I ask you to forgive me.

We are all human, we are all imperfect, and subhaan Allah, we struggle through SO MANY TESTS every day! Forgive before anyone can even ask. Make istighfar and seek forgiveness to clear your heart and mind. Then just keep on trucking, doing what you can to please Allah.

I seriously need this blog. Life gets me busy, I let so much distract me, but Allah Knows I need to share my struggles and thoughts again. Inshaa Allah this is the push I needed.

Much love to you all.

Subhaan Allahi wa bi hamdihi, laa illaaha ila Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Letting Go

BismIllah wa assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

For most of my years as a Muslimah, I have asked Allah to use me to benefit others and be a positive influence. That is a big deal to me. However, there have been situations in my life where I have tried to help and failed, Qadru Allahi wa maa shaa faal. What I didn't pay enough attention to was the Qadru Allahi wa maa shaa faal part. I churned my failures over and over in my mind, feeling ill considering what I did wrongly or aspects I missed. I held myself accountable for my inability to solve, resolve, or alleviate others' problems.

Finally, alhamdulillah, I internalized the fact that the only way I have ever helped anyone was by Allah's Will; I understood that it was not in my control. Those situations I could not benefit were never within my ability to benefit. I, nonsensically, held myself accountable for something outside of my ability.

So, this is about letting go. Letting go of guilt and misery about what I cannot control. No more profuse apologies and sleepless nights, but rather, Qadru Allahi wa maa shaa faal. Better to hang on to those feelings of guilt and misery in regard to the things within my ability that I fall short in. Most surely, focusing on those can bring benefit and positivity to myself and those around me.

Subhaanak, Allahummah wa bihamdik, laa ilaaha ilaa ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.