Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
I kept replaying the sentence in my mind: "I feel that I am not a priority to those I make my priority." Then, as I was driving this morning it all came together clearly.
I spent the day before telling a sister that she needed to take care of herself. That she would not be able to take care of her family if she wasn't maintaining herself. I even quoted the Qur'aan, where Allah says in Surat Tahreem to "save yourself and your family from the fire that is fueled by men and stones." He, subhaanahu wa ta'ala, tells us to save ourselves first and then our families.
I have been taking steps to help myself, such as going to the doctor with a long list of years' long issues. I started physical therapy for 2 years of hip pain, 4 years of knee pain, and 19 years of carpal tunnel pain. How's that for not taking care of myself, just putting up with stress and pain? How's that for not honoring the body Allah blessed and entrusted me with, and yet running myself into the ground to try to take care of others? All these years of serving everyone else, of trying to please others at my own expense, of putting up with one niggling health issue after another, have turned my body into a tight, knotted up repository for stress and tension.
Yesterday, I enrolled in a program to fix another health condition that I've had for around 10 years, with the clear intention of taking care of my needs and addressing another stressor. I'm taking time to do my PT exercises and stretches each day. I haven't been for my walks, still haven't done my daily time in the sunshine, but I'm still finding my way to taking the steps.
There has been a subtle change in my home since I started going for PT appointments and making time for my healing and wellbeing. Others have done more to help, alhamdulillah. They have perhaps seen me as an individual, rather than just a good old dependable part of the family.
So then, what was my mistake? I don't need to be a high priority to others, and I can still make others my priority. However, I need to be a top priority to myself.
Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdihi, laa ilaaha illaa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.
Asalamualaikum wa rahmatullah dear Mai.
ReplyDeleteI've been checking back regularly for updates and told myself the other day that I might leave a comment asking how you're stepping and subhanallah, here you are.
One of our Creator's most wondrous gifts to humanity is the female caretaker instinct. Alas, being human, we tend to let things get off balance, don't we? Driving ourselves right into the ground to cater to everyone else while ignoring our own needs until we're burnt out shells of our true selves.
With the ongoing upheaval and transition in my own household, I've been working overtime to ensure everyone continues to feel cared for, to give them a sense of stability. Of course, that's been at my expense. My workout time, reflection and dhikr time, and so many other things have fallen by the wayside. Thank you once again for the timely reminder that we women shouldn't strike ourselves off the list of people who need looking after.
Each of your recent posts has been an unavoidable nudge for me to shift gears. Of course, there are no coincidences, so all praise to the One Who saw us each getting sidetracked in different ways and provided the reminders we needed. May He continue to guide your steps, bring you contentment, and bless you abundantly.