Saturday, October 28, 2023

Answering a question my daughter posed about divorce...

 After explaining the last post about whether you can succeed in a marriage without love and trust, my daughter posed a question. She asked, "So, what would you consider to be a sign that you should get a divorce?" Here's my response.

I would know I had to seek a divorce if my spouse was actively trying to sabotage my success with Allah, azza wa jal. If I was doing everything in my power to please Allah, following everything that I outlined in my last post, and yet they were proving to be my enemy, and therefore, and enemy to Islam, that would be my sign. 

The other sign would be some clear indication from Allah following a prayer of istikhara or perhaps during tahajjud, where He, subhaanahu wa ta'ala, placed a clear thought or understanding in my mind and heart that it was time to move on. 

The thing that I stressed to her, and this is the most important aspect, is that IF Allah decrees for me to be divorced and I have been a faithful servant and wife, then Allah is providing a new beginning for me with sustenance and security. I am not stepping into an abyss, I am stepping on solid ground with Allah as my Mawlaa wa alhamdullillahi Rabb il aal ameen!

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha ila ant, astaghfirullah wa atoobu ilayk.


Can you Succeed in a Marriage without Love and Trust?

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

In a world without the Islamic viewpoint, a marriage that doesn't have love or trust between the spouses is on the road to discord, misery, and divorce. Why? Because love and trust are considered the foundations of the union. They must love each other deeply and manifest that love in their words and actions. They must be loyal to each other, faithful and honest. So, what happens when these things are missing? There is no foundation and the whole thing crumbles.

In a marriage based on Islam, one can find themselves disillusioned with their partner, unable to trust them, even mentally and emotionally abused by them, which kills whatever love and trust they had. So how can they stay in the marriage, and why? Because from an Islamic viewpoint, marriage is a means to an end. It is half of your deen. We are not told that marriage is a love story or a test of trust between the spouses as such. We are, however, told that the marriage must have love and trust. 

The mistake we make is thinking that the love and trust have to be for our spouse.  No. The love and trust must be for Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'ala! When you love and trust in Allah, you know what He decreed for you is best. You know that if you do what He commands you to do, you will succeed. You know that in fulfilling others' rights, in meeting your Allah-given responsibilities, in living your Islam and doing all you can from what Allah, azza wa jal, is pleased with and loves, you are on His Siraat al Mustaqeem. When you focus on all that, you will find that you can more easily avoid sins because you are working towards your goal, not sabotaging it. 

I don't often quote any songs, but I often think of the words, "Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I! I will survive! Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive..."  As long as I know how to love Allah! People may think they can hurt or break you, but when you're living for the love and trust of Allah, they are insignificant. You destroy their power to hurt you and you hold the power bi idhn Illah ta'ala. 

It's all about perspective. It's all about that ultimate goal and remaining strong, firm, and determined on your path with that singular and clear goal in sight. 

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika laa ilaaha il ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk

Together but Separate Lives?

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Some marriages have a dynamic, developed over time, where the couple lives together and interact as normal but neither knows what the other is doing, buying, planning. Often when children are involved, they are the carriers of news to the wife, with nothing coming directly from the husband or vice versa. Some might call this dysfunctional, because there is clearly a problem with communication and a lack of respect or love that leads to such a situation. But you can live your life, get on with things, live quite separate lives and yet live in harmony together having a pleasant family life. 

How, you ask? It's simple. Just do what you are supposed to do. Meet your responsibilities. Fulfill others' rights over you. Honor the amana (trust) Allah has placed in you in your various roles - be it a spouse, a parent, a sibling, an offspring. Hang on to your faraa'id and do them with the knowledge that they are pure benefit for your dunya and your aakhirah. If you can tunnel your focus to these specific things, you can not only function in such situations, you can also flourish bi idhn Illah ta'ala!


Subhaanaka Allahi wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha il ant, astaghfir Allahu wa atoobu ilayk



Messages from Hail and a Tornado

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Over this summer we have had some mammoth hail storms, maashaa Allah. Twice we had baseball sized hail come thundering down, breaking windows, giving the siding on the house and our cars that dimpled golf ball effect. The second hailstorm, however, was followed by something altogether different. While we do not live in an area that is prone to any natural disasters, we had a tornado sweep through our area. This was a reminder that it doesn't matter where you live, even if it seems to be the safest, most secure place in the world, there is no way to escape Allah and what He, subhaanahu wa ta'ala, decrees for you. Two old travel trailers were completely decimated, the shipping container office was tipped over, 1650 gallon water tanks were hurled miles down the road, broken to pieces to be seen in fields and pastures afar. 

The things we lost were things that had been left to go to ruin - unfinished projects, like nearly everything on our land and in our lives. And the thing that was damaged was filled with things, purchase after purchase, stuff upon stuff. 

I thought to myself, we can amass as much as we like, shop till we drop, accumulate, plan to fix up, beautify... but it can be gone in a minute. So, think if it's really worth it. Do what matters, do what will always remain for you if nothing physical is left.

Alhamdulillahi Rabb il aal ameen for all the signs, reminders, and warnings He, in His infinite Mercy, sends us!  

Subhaaka Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha il ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 


Tuesday, April 25, 2023

My Remedy for Stinking Thinking

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I go through thoughts of not wanting to do things. I actually blow it up in my mind, making the task, action, or responsibility bad, awful even. But then, I understand that the attitude is being fueled by shaytaan. He doesn't want me to succeed. He wants to corrupt my thinking and sabotage my rewards.

So, action number one is to say the isti'aadhah (seek refuge with Allah from shaytaan, the accursed).

Action number two is to say the du'a, 

يَا حَيُّ يَا قَيُّومُ بِرَحْمَتِكَ أَسْتَغِيثُ أَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ وَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

(O Ever-Living, O Eternal One, by Your mercy I seek help; rectify all my affairs and do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for the blink of an eye).

Action number three, I ask myself this question regarding the thing I'm having negative thoughts about:

"Will I go to Jennah?"

Subhaan Allah, how that question puts everything into perspective! Subhaan Allah! 

Now, you might be thinking, how can you ask that question? You can't answer it; only Allah can. Well, here's where I explain.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “If a woman prays her five prayers, fasts her month of Ramadan, guards her chastity, and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from any gate she wishes.

Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Ibn Ḥibbān 4163

Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Arna’ut

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ إِذَا صَلَّتِ الْمَرْأَةُ خُمُسَهَا وَصَامَتْ شَهْرَهَا وَحَصَّنَتْ فَرْجَهَا وَأَطَاعَتْ بَعْلَهَا دَخَلَتْ مِنْ أَيِّ أَبْوَابِ الْجَنَّةِ شَاءَتْ

4163 صحيح ابن حبان

9/471 المحدث شعيب الأرناؤوط خلاصة حكم المحدث صحيح في تخريج صحيح ابن حبان

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 

Sunday, March 12, 2023

Power and Strength

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I have been thinking about marriage, relationships in general, and all the difficulties they can entail. Some people are in such destructive relationships that they are forced to leave in the end. They can no longer take it, some final straw has been broken, or they are abused (emotionally, mentally, physically - take your pick) and it has become intolerable. The situation has controlled the outcome and they had to leave; it wasn't their decision. They leave weak and broken, like the knocked-out boxer being dragged out of the ring. They are drained, spent and have to rebuild themselves. Qadr Allahu wa maa shaa fa'al!

So what happens when Allah gives you strength, through His blessings of emaan and tawakkal? This strength is power. It enables you to look at the situation, assess it, and decide whether you will stay or go. It gives you the ability to make Allah's pleasure your goal, rise above many situations of the dunya, and see, find, or make the good in your situation. It takes strength to walk away from a situation, but it also takes strength to stay in it. There are people in difficult relationships that have the ability to stay or go. They can look at the pros and cons, keep their eye on the goal, and decide if they want to remain or leave because they have the fortitude to do both

I have come to view that strength as a very difficult and dangerous thing. It can hold someone in a relationship that isn't beneficial. It can lead to enabling the other person in the relationship because their strength allows them to tolerate things that otherwise would not be acceptable. And yet, it can be the most amazing example of sabr - patient perseverance - and may hold the best rewards. 

If you are blessed with that strength, don't take it for granted and think yourself sufficient to handle whatever comes your way. Remember that your strength lies with Allah, and Allah must always be turned to for continued guidance and clarity that what you are doing is right and best. The power and strength that Allah blessed you with only remains a blessing when you give Him full credit for it. Know that you can become helpless and weak if you don't turn to the One Who gave you that strength and seek His help and guidance in all your affairs.

Subhaanak, Allahumma wa bihamdik, laa illaaha illa Allah, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.


 

Followers