Friday, January 7, 2011

Letter to my Co-Wife, my Rose

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

This is the letter I wrote to my second co-wife. Qadr Allah, I never got to meet her as the situation didn't work out. I pray Allah gives her something far better - ameen!

However, this letter was something I sent to set the stage and let her know where I was coming from. I will say that this was for an American co-wife, someone who had researched me and asked common friends about me prior to marrying our husband. She was also similar in age, hence she held a special  attraction for me - a sister who would be a peer, a companion, and a support for many things. Obviously I have removed her name from it and replaced it with co-wife, where relevant. The letter was titled,

"Co-wife", my Rose...

As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh my dear sister.
Welcome to our family! As two wives within one family, only Allah knows the depth of relationship we will have with each other. We may be the best of friends or we may simply love each other as sisters in Islam. Personally, I pray that we will be the best of friends! I am really looking forward to getting to know you, inshaa'Allah. However, before any of that, we are believers in Allah, His Messenger, and the Last Day. We are striving together for our family's ultimate success. Our race to Allah's Pleasure, is reason enough to love each other dearly.

The biggest obstacle we will face, not only us but also our husband, is the fact that shaytaan's favorite playground is polygyny. He loves to cause marital discord and separation...and he will work triply hard (at minimum) to whisper to us, to plant and nurture fitan. I am sure that we will be an even bigger target because we are all committed to pleasing Allah and welcome polygyny as a mercy and a blessing. When Allah's servants want polygyny with sincere hearts, shaytaan makes it one of his pet projects to ruin it. Let us be aware, forewarned, on guard, and have a strategy to deal with that rotten devil, inshaa'Allah. Here are some very basic suggestions I have. I welcome any input from you on this, inshaa'Allah, as another perspective usually brings improvements.
If, at any time we are communicating, whether online, over the phone, or face to face, and shaytaan whispers some negative thing that enters our thoughts we can say, firmly and as violently as we like, "Audhu b'Illahi minash-shaytaan ir-rajeem!" It won't need any other explanation, because we will understand that we are simply protecting ourselves and our relationship. It can be done in the middle of a sentence, we deal with it immediately, rather than letting any seeds be planted or give that stinker the pleasure of getting to us for more than an instant. Of course, it can be any mention of Allah that will send him running, but the idea is the same.

If shaytaan sows a seed of fitnah while one is alone, polluting one's thoughts, seek refuge with vehemence. Do not let him have his way! If one is wondering about something and shaytaan starts using it to cause bad feeling and fitnah, don't keep it inside. Raise the matter as soon as possible, talk about it and get clarity so he can go "fly a kite." If he presents some doubtful issue or something that bothers us and needs resolution, we can work together to clear it up and kick him out. Let us be to each other those blessed and beneficial bricks in the wall of believers.

As your sister, I am not any form of competition. I am just another member of the team and I'm playing on the same side as you. There is no ranking system, no “first” and “second”, there is just the term “wives.” Something to always remember is that your husband loves you, that you are special and precious to him. You offer him something that no other woman can - your own, beautiful, unique self. I feel sure that I will love you for those same reasons!
There will never be any competition between a rose and a freesia, they both are beautiful and they both have a beautiful, unique scent. A rose cannot be a freesia, nor can a freesia be a they may as well be what Allah made them and appreciate and enjoy all the good each other has.

I am eagerly waiting for you to join us here in Madinah.
P.S. Guess what my favorite flower is? Not common...but ahhhh, such a beautiful fragrance!


  1. salaam alaikum,
    what a beautiful letter. Although pologyamy is not for me, If I were to find myself in a situation where I had to have a co-wife, I would want someone just like you! The co-wife is lucky to have a sister like yourself with such a pure heart and mind as is your husband!

    1. I agreed with u sister!

      Who wouldn't want to have her as the co-wife. MashaAllah!
      Her husband is blessed to have her as his wife..

      Barakallahu feek.


    2. SubhunnaAllah. I tried my best to be the best to my co-wife although its hard sometimes coz of jealousy. But it works so much better when everyone gets alone. And this life is temporary. InshaAllah we all make it to Jannat and will never have any of these emotions anymore. Ameen

  2. Mai!!!! This is so beautiful ma shaa Allaah tabaarakallaah! As I read this, I felt I was talking to my co-wife. This is soo true that accursed monster will stop at nothing to make it seem as every problem is stemming from polygyny. May Allaah give you good in this life and the next! Allaahumma ameen!

    Check me out!

  3. What a beautiful letter. Wish my co wife was like you

  4. Wow, wow wow wow. My brain is breaking in so many ways as I read that. (lol in good ways) that letter is truly beautiful. As i read it i had mixed emotions, 1.) Felt sad that me and Denise are not on good terms and that I never felt that way about her, nor expect to. 2. Would have loved to hear a similar letter/approach from her. I really think this letter speaks highly to the level of iman you have. I am not yet at that level. At first i wanted to be friends with her but now i want nothng to do with her unless necessary. I wish more sisters were like you , it would make polygamy easier.

  5. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh Rene.

    Jazaaki Allahu khayran for your sweet words. I don't think anyone has to WANT polygyny, and I pray it is never your test. However, it is important to know that with the right outlook and the right people, it can be a beautiful and workable thing.

  6. Au Voleur Domestique...

    I think you have a very good relationship with your co-wife and are a beautiful example of polygyny, mashaa'Allah. Ameen, thumma Ameen to your dua' and I pray that you have all that and more - ameen!

  7. My dear Sweetlikechocolate,

    Jazaaki Allahu khayran. I wish you had a co-wife like me, too. (LOL)I know the misery of a bad co-wife and I don't wish it on others. It is such a test when the other person just isn't playing on the same team. The weakest link in the trio is the one that makes it a fitnah and trial for everyone else. May Allah make it easy for you and may you set an example that will encourage (or shame) the others to follow - ameen. Much love to you!

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  9. Jaiyana, even if you aren't there yet, you know where you would like to be. That's important.

    As for it not being a reality in your case, that's all down to your husband's choice of co-wife and how it was handled from the start. The good news is that he's bringing it all together in a beautiful way now, and that should give you great hope for a good future.

    In all honesty, I have been the one to reach out and welcome both of my previous co-wives. I always had it in my mind that I wanted to be friends. However, I've come to the conclusion that sometimes it just isn't meant to be. When the man chooses someone very different (in mentality, deen, or lifestyle) then it can just be two separate households and never the twain meet. That's not bad, either, as long as everyone is fine and not hating behind closed doors. Otherwise, it's just poison.

  10. Mai subhanallah this letter touched me tremendously I pray Allah elevates you in ranks for your patience and blesses you with Jannatul Firdaws. xxx

  11. @Mai so true. It really comes down to the man. I really feel the key for a man to make it successful is to choose someone already on the same level or higher deen as his 1st wife. Otherwise it will just be room for fitna and drama. Thanks for the wise words will keep hope alive.

  12. You make me want to be a part of polygany. ok what did i just say?

  13. LOL, Sarah! I think you've gotten a bit carried away with's fine to just be great friends!

  14. Masha Allah, that was beautifully written sis! :) Wow, for awhile I was thinking it would be great if I'M the co-wife lol :P

    Two years back, some sisters were teasing me about getting married and one of them commented 'I better don't end up being the second wife'.. My immediate response was 'I don't mind really..' and it was hilarious to see their reaction! Honestly speaking, polygyny is wonderful but only if all parties are willing to work together. It would be nice to have another sister who understands what you're going through, especially since men sometimes find it difficult to comprehend why we behave or react in a certain way.

  15. As salaamu alaykum Umm Khaleel!

    I can totally understand what you mean. Sometimes we are so busy with our families that we have little time for friends. A co-wife can be that sister, companion, and friend that we so need to understand us. It's especially true when you both share the same husband!

    Barak Allahu feeki wa jazaaki Allahu khayr for your lovely comment.

  16. Assalam aleikum,

    I've read a part of your blog and it amazes me how much strength you have and how good you can deal with this! And this letter is truelly beautiful mashallah. I know what it is to not have such a warm welcome, but a very painful one instead, and reading this letter just made me cry.. sister, may Allaah blesses you tremendously!

  17. assalamu alaykum,
    just ran accross your blog, masha Allah loved everything i read so far...
    how can i contact you if i visit madina?

  18. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh Madina.

    Ahlan wa sahlan! You can send e-mail to me at
    I'll gladly give you a contact number through e-mail, inshaa'Allah. I hope we have the opportunity to meet each other here, bi ithn Illah, taala.

    Barak Allahu feeki!

  19. Masha Allah! That was absolutely beautiful!! :)

    UmmKhaleel directed me to your blog coz I was just writing about polygyny and I must say that I'm very glad I'm here. Your posts about living in a polygynous relationship is very inspiring because you give a very practical realistic outlook on it :)

    I'm single, but I have been recently approached to be a co-wife and I'm still thinking about it. Al-hamdulillahi I don't have any problems with polygyny because it's something Allah subhanahu wa ta'aala decreed, but I also believe that not every man can pull it off.

    Lol, I want someone like you for a co-wife if I ever accept such a proposal. Someone who understands that this is something we do only for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'aala and to seek His pleasure and not let petty worldly things foul up what could insha Allah be a beautiful sisterhood and friendship.

    Jazakiallah Khair! I'm gonna come check out your blog often now :P

    1. Assalamu'alaykum!

      x@hu: Ukhty you have my words! (except being approached to be a co-wife. LOL)

      Can't help but thinking about polygyny- having people around me keep talking about this. plus, i've seen few practising it. MashaAllah. Good families they are- giving me good impression on this issue.

      May Allah bless all my sisters who i can't help myself loving for the sake of Allah. Amin

      *With so much love and peace. Hugs*

  20. As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatu. May Allaah reward you for this it was truly beautifully stated...You took the words right out of my mouth!


  21. salaam sister it so beautiful how you have accpet polygny in your life, i know you must have gone through the pain only Allah and you know it. and your husband has handeled it very nicely and it is so nice of him to know your comments on how he is dealing with it.

    sister my husband has come to know someone online (i think he's fallen deep in love with her) and i am pregnant, at th moment i am finding it hard to accept it. Alhudmulliah he has droped his plans to marry her, for the time being. i dont know what to do, u r so right when u said when we accept it shaytan comes and wispers to u and become weak.

    when my husband saw that i wont be able to accept it he has stopped discussing anything with me. although he said that he;ll forget her i dont know weather he will or he wont. i just dont know what to do.

    my problem is that he cannt afford 2 houses at the momet he is new to buisness and new to dawah orgainzation and i am pregnant for the 1st time in our 6 years of maariage. he said he only looked for another wife cos he is afraid of committing zina (we have a great sexuall life and even in pregnancy we have relations and i do my best to please him sexsually).
    just dont know what to do.

  22. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh my dear sister - Anonymous of 25 January '12.

    I always say, when I am showered with tests and they seem to get harder and harder, that I know Allah loves me A LOT. That is exactly what I can say to you, sister. The tests are many in your situation, and I am struggling to find the right balance in my response to you. I pray that you benefit from what is good herein and that Allah protects you from anything wrong or harmful in what I write - ameen.

    There are several problems, which will surface and affect how things proceed, if your husband does embark on polygyny with this woman.

    1. How he met her and has developed a relationship with her. It is questionable, to say the very least, to develop a relationship of such depth over the Internet. If it was being conducted in the correct Islamic manner, he would be going through a wali or wakeel and would not have private conversations or communication with her without someone else (most preferably her wali) being present. I can honestly say that when things don't start in a way that is pleasing to Allah or within Islamic guidelines, then it is bound to have problems and, if it isn't corrected and put right, then it will either fail or end up a lifetime prison sentence.

    Secondly, due to the fact that you are pregnant, after such a long wait, there is danger in you getting overly stressed or upset. He may well have said that he will drop it and forget her to relax your mind and remove the stress from you. However, in my experience, once men have an issue with their desires for other women, they rarely drop it. Most likely he will continue and keep it secret from you. It is also possible that he will marry and try to keep it a secret, at least in the beginning.

    Thirdly, his inability to afford two homes is yet another issue that arises often. Although it is a critical requirement that needs to met in order to marry again, many men will do anything to enter into polygany...and face the financial consequences later.

    This sounds very negative, and I am not a negative person, but I am realistic. Sister, what has gotten me through so many situations and roller coaster rides in the pre-polygyny, polygyny, and post-polygyny stages is my complete trust in Allah. Everything He sends me is for my own growth and betterment. Yes, it is a very tough test, but Allah never burdens us more than we can bear.

    From what I understand, you have a good marriage. What I also understand is that your husband cares enough not to push the issue when it is clear you cannot cope with it. My suggestion is for you to take care of yourself, the child inside you, and your marriage. Worry about that and have faith in Allah. Seek His protection from harm, fitna, and deception. Ask Allah to make you especially pleasing to your husband and vice-versa.

    I'm here for you, sister. We can fight shaytaan and his rotten schemes together, bi ithn Illah.

    Much love and may Allah bless you and shower you with His infinite Mercy - ameen.

  23. Assalamu'alaykum!

    From dearlittleaunties blog ----> here i am! :D

    MashaAllah. Beautiful insights i see from ur posts. And all posts of urs disappoint me not. :)

    I'm single. But can't help but to think about polygyny- people around me have been talking about it lately so i decide to make my own research on this (to be able to cope up with this issue later whenever necessiry. LOL). Was trying to make so many justifications to this and later discovered people like u- mashaAllah, inspiring. I came to have stronger faith, our Fair God will not burden us with something we couldn't bare. He knows we are ready if He tests us with something. So if it's to happen to me in future life, Allah knows that's the best for me. May Allah give us strength if that moment comes. InshaAllah. :)

    You might wonder why would this thing disturb and 'bug' my head. I'm still learning to put full trust and hope on HIM. SO this polygyny thingy sometimes scares me! But not rejecting its permissibility in Islam..

    May Allah bless and make all of my sisters who i love for HIS sake happy always and content with HIS remembrance and companionship. Amin.

    *With so much love and peace*

  24. to Mai to the Extreme,
    JazakaAllah for your reply and loving care sister. I know everyone told me that i have to TC the baby. but sister stress is invetable at this stage.

    I know Allah loves us that's why he put us in such situations, and Alhumdulliah I trust Allah will choose for me what is best for me. Yet i have moved far away from my Lord and this situation (polygmay) is making things more difficult for me.

    Although my husband decided to marry her within 1 month of knowing her, this girl is so depressed to marry her, she even told him she gonna commit suside if doesn't marry her. he tells me now that he is willing to marry anyone, no necessary her. I asked him if he is going to consider doing a Misyaar Mariage (marriage contract is written but the girl stays in with her own family as they need her, so it is halal), he said he will.

    Actually he told me the only reason we wants to marry another woman is bcoz he doesn't want to do anything haram. dont get me Alhumdulliah you are right we are having great relationship in all ways. so i dont know how to react i dont poly is going to realy hard for me and my husband, as our life is already 99.99% unorgainized. And i dont know if polygmay is a sure soultion for sexual addiction for men.

    I have told him not to marry in secreat and that i might accept Misyaar marriage (i dont mind if 1-2/month he goes out and does it with someone in halal way, but sharing my husband 50% is really hard). He agreed but Allah knows best.

    I wanted to send you can e-mail but i dont have your email address.

    I would be great if you and your husband can jointly write an e-mail to me and my husband about what he has to consider before he takes another wife? pros and cons of polygmay ect.

    jazakiAllah sister

  25. but sister today he was telling me we wont get another wife, cos he knows i wont allow him.

    who knows, when these men chnage thier minds.

  26. but the day before yesterday he was also saying that , he loves me and needs my support.

    support in what? basically with the gov or his family i guess.....well i might not object to his marriage but as for support......i dont think i am that strong

  27. asalamualeikum sister mia, my hubby told me he saw a girl he would like to marry. i secretly wish it would not happen but i also pray she would be NICE because am ready to be nice to her. we have been married for almost 5 years and no children yet- i have a fertility problem. we have been attendind hospitals and praying. my fear now is what will be my fate after he has children from her. he has said he would never abandone me but hmm one never can tell with men. is there any special kind of welcome i could give to my co wife when she arrives or when he introduces us? please also remember to include me in your prayes. i really most commend you. you have such a good heart. wasalam.

  28. @ ano apr 4,

    sis i also got preg after 6 years but sad when i was @ my 2nd month he found another woman to marry (due to reasons other then the child, he claims).

    sis he normal dont be too extreme to be nice with her or not be bad to her too. leave her and your husband alone, have mimi contacts with her. as for your time use it for your deen like studying, dawah ect. May Allah bless you with a child soon sister.

    @ sis may you are correct he didn't leave that woman. she was about to marry another man but she canceled it and send him the massage again (i hate him for not blocking her so that she couldn;t send her any message.

    now sis my life is in dalimah, he said he will try not to marry her (cos he loves me) but he might marry her too. she is a pity whore pressuring him to marry her and threathening with suisite.
    he feels he should marry her to keep her on islam, but she could also marry a single man (which will be better cos she is already lonely and depressed) but she doesn't.
    sister pls make dua that my husband never marries again essp. this woman.

  29. Sallam, I want advice from u but I need confidentiality, how do I go about it.

    1. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.