I can only speak from my perspective, but here are some of the things that are making our transition into polygyny a happy and beautiful thing:
fairness, equality, and taqwa.
My husband is determined to get a "A" on his polygyny report card this time, mashaa'Allah. May Allah guide him to that reality - ameen. So, how does that work practically? Check out our days...
The time division is set up so that everyone gets to see him and spend time with him every day, bi ithn Illah. Whether working or not, from 4:00 p.m. -6.30 p.m., or from Asr to Maghrib, he visits the home that he will not spending the night. For us, he comes and sits with us, has some tea perhaps and snack, plays with the little ones and catches up on whatever is going on. He is affectionate, playful, and spends time sitting with me talking in English, LOL. I might mention what I'm planning for dinner or he might mention something for us to do together the following night. In this way, we have something to look forward to on our next night together. Then from 6:30 p.m. he goes to the other home.
I usually take these opportunities to get an early night's sleep. These are the nights I might put henna on my hair, do a little self-maintenance, and come up with all kinds of ideas for new posts for this blog, lol. The following day, he will usually pop in to see us during his day and later on, at 6:30 p.m. he is here for the night.
Now he is laying the ground rules, mashaa'Allah. These things have naturally been in place for me, but he is making sure they are established for Zainab as well, so we are all on the same page.
Here are some points that are relevant.
- Because he spent a lot of time away from us during the set-up phase of his new marriage, when he has some extra time in the day he spends it here to make up for the time gone, mashaa'Allah.
- Something delayed him at Zainab's and he didn't leave her until 6:40 p.m. three nights ago. The following day when I mentioned he needed to go as it was already 6:30 p.m., he said that he owed us ten minutes and didn't leave until 6:40 p.m, mashaa'Allah.
- When he was asked to drop Zainab at a friend's home, which would have meant he would have to leave us later in the night to pick her up again, he refused saying it wasn't fair, mashaa'Allah. We are not to ask for things that will take away from the other family's time with him.
- He has said that there are no casual phone calls to chat to him on the other wife's time. He is ensuring that our time and privacy with him are respected. For anything important, we can always send a text. A phone call is only warranted if it's an emergency.
- He plans nice things for our nights, and he's making sure I really enjoy my nights with him, mashaa'Allah.
- He is focusing on the children's needs, and making an effort to address them and provide fun, healthy, and beneficial activities for them, mashaa'Allah.
- Just as the step-children stay with me for the whole day when he was with us the night before, so do they stay at Zainab's during the day when it was her night.
- He is assessing everyone in the family to ensure we are all on a path for learning and improvement, mashaa'Allah, and setting a study plan for each of us.
- Knowing that he has a certain amount of money he has to spend on me, to be balanced with what he spends on Zainab, he makes a point to buy things that will be of benefit and suit my needs and priorities. This is not an easy thing, because I dislike materialism and having anything I don't need or use. Just this week, when I dropped my phone and it fell apart, he bought me a phone that matches his, with Quran, an Arabic/English dictionary, and Arabic texting capabilities, mashaa'Allah.