I can only speak from my perspective, but here are some of the things that are making our transition into polygyny a happy and beautiful thing:
fairness, equality, and taqwa.
My husband is determined to get a "A" on his polygyny report card this time, mashaa'Allah. May Allah guide him to that reality - ameen. So, how does that work practically? Check out our days...
The time division is set up so that everyone gets to see him and spend time with him every day, bi ithn Illah. Whether working or not, from 4:00 p.m. -6.30 p.m., or from Asr to Maghrib, he visits the home that he will not spending the night. For us, he comes and sits with us, has some tea perhaps and snack, plays with the little ones and catches up on whatever is going on. He is affectionate, playful, and spends time sitting with me talking in English, LOL. I might mention what I'm planning for dinner or he might mention something for us to do together the following night. In this way, we have something to look forward to on our next night together. Then from 6:30 p.m. he goes to the other home.
I usually take these opportunities to get an early night's sleep. These are the nights I might put henna on my hair, do a little self-maintenance, and come up with all kinds of ideas for new posts for this blog, lol. The following day, he will usually pop in to see us during his day and later on, at 6:30 p.m. he is here for the night.
Now he is laying the ground rules, mashaa'Allah. These things have naturally been in place for me, but he is making sure they are established for Zainab as well, so we are all on the same page.
Here are some points that are relevant.
- Because he spent a lot of time away from us during the set-up phase of his new marriage, when he has some extra time in the day he spends it here to make up for the time gone, mashaa'Allah.
- Something delayed him at Zainab's and he didn't leave her until 6:40 p.m. three nights ago. The following day when I mentioned he needed to go as it was already 6:30 p.m., he said that he owed us ten minutes and didn't leave until 6:40 p.m, mashaa'Allah.
- When he was asked to drop Zainab at a friend's home, which would have meant he would have to leave us later in the night to pick her up again, he refused saying it wasn't fair, mashaa'Allah. We are not to ask for things that will take away from the other family's time with him.
- He has said that there are no casual phone calls to chat to him on the other wife's time. He is ensuring that our time and privacy with him are respected. For anything important, we can always send a text. A phone call is only warranted if it's an emergency.
- He plans nice things for our nights, and he's making sure I really enjoy my nights with him, mashaa'Allah.
- He is focusing on the children's needs, and making an effort to address them and provide fun, healthy, and beneficial activities for them, mashaa'Allah.
- Just as the step-children stay with me for the whole day when he was with us the night before, so do they stay at Zainab's during the day when it was her night.
- He is assessing everyone in the family to ensure we are all on a path for learning and improvement, mashaa'Allah, and setting a study plan for each of us.
- Knowing that he has a certain amount of money he has to spend on me, to be balanced with what he spends on Zainab, he makes a point to buy things that will be of benefit and suit my needs and priorities. This is not an easy thing, because I dislike materialism and having anything I don't need or use. Just this week, when I dropped my phone and it fell apart, he bought me a phone that matches his, with Quran, an Arabic/English dictionary, and Arabic texting capabilities, mashaa'Allah.
Salaam Alaikum....wowow!! This is so nice to hear.. Mashallah!
ReplyDeleteWa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh, Daisy my sweet flower!
ReplyDeleteYes, mashaa'Allah...it's quite beautiful. Make sure your husband is taking notes, LOL! May Allah give you even better than this...ameen!
I have linked him in this blog....InshaAllah, he is reading...LOOOL
ReplyDeleteSalaam Alaikum dear mai,
ReplyDeleteMashaAllah your husband sounds wonderful. May Allah (swt) always keep him fair, kind, affectionate and please with you and his other wife. Ameen. Its very rare that a man in todays society treats one wife with kindness, love, respect, let alone two. Allah (swt) has truly blessed you and may he continue to do so. Amen.
Masha'Allah loved this post. The one side dragging sounds scary. May Allah protect us.
ReplyDeleteWa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh dear Rene!
ReplyDeleteJazaaki Allahu khayran and ameen to your dua'. It is a beautiful and blessed thing that I have a good husband. When I read and hear about other marriages, I understand how blessed I am to have such a relationship. Over the years it has improved and appreciated in value like a precious gem*. That's why I have such a moderate approach to polygyny, because if we didn't have that test, I'd start to worry why Allah wasn't testing us more, LOL! We are still us and my world with him and our children is Allah-focused, loving, pro-active, and happy, mashaa'Allah. It's nice to think someone else can benefit from a good husband as well.
*I have to tell you that I originally typed that our relationship has aged like fine cheese, but cheese just didn't sound good and as we are Muslim I couldn't type fine wine - ROFL! Good job my brain popped up with a better alternative!
Sarah, Jazaaki Allahu khayran and ameen!
ReplyDeleteAlhumdulillah! These kind of posts are the ones that need to go out more so that others also see another side.
ReplyDeleteI pray that things only get better for you all InshaAllah. Ameen
Masha'Allah, Tabaruk Allah! May Allah continue to bless you with fairness, and make your hearts at peace, and keep shaytan far, FAR away, Ameen.
ReplyDeleteMay Allah always continue to make your affairs easy. Ameen. I just read your husband blog about Zainab, And I am impressed with his choice of marrying her. How do your step-children feel about this whole thing, and what are their feelings toward Zainab?
ReplyDeleteWow - that is quite a pace he has set for himself. Hopefully, he can maintain the pace and the peace!
ReplyDeleteSweetlikechocolate and Umm Hamza - Jazaakunna Allahu khayran! May Allah bless you with all that you wish for me, and more- Ameen, thumma Ameen!
ReplyDeleteUmm Salwaa, ameen! My step-children are always up for a change, and the novelty of the situation is still fresh for them. They seem perfectly happy, so far. I think they are enjoying getting to know Zainab and practicing their Arabic. Perhaps it won't be as excited when they get into their regular routine of homeschooling while they are there as well, lol, but I think it will be just fine, inshaa'Allah.
ReplyDeleteAs for my own girls, the night before last we were having dinner and my 7 year old said, "Oh Mummy, we have seven members in our family now!" Mashaa'Allah, so simply stated, so simply accepted.
Mai- Are you homeschooling the kids? If so, why? Is it a personal choice? Or, are the schools not good in Madinah?
ReplyDeleteCM: Yes, I suppose it does seem quite a pace, but it isn't hectic at all. It just keeps him busy, which is what he wanted. As for the peace, yes, let's hope and pray it can be maintained.
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ReplyDeleteUmm Salwaa: Yes, yes, and yes. We homeschool the children, it is a personal choice, and the schools are not good, LOL. Last year, they all went to private schools for their first year here. It was an experience and they benefited from the immersion into Arabic Language. However, the manners and discipline of the children here leaves much to be desired and we are selective about what our children are exposed to on a consistent basis. I homeschooled in the USA as well, so it was nothing new. Frankly, it is so much better for the children as they can all learn at their own pace. We have the spectrum, with one gifted child, another who seems on the same track, one average learner, and one remedial. Whew, I got tired just typing that! Anyway, the girls go to Quran classes at the same school as me, and the boy goes to private Arabic school and tahfiz, so we cover the bases with Quran, Arabic, and secular education.
ReplyDeleteMashAllah JazakAllah for sharing sister
ReplyDeleteI must say I am one of those that seriously struggle with the idea of polygyny even so far as thinking if my husband does it I will leave him.
It is nice to read a positive side to it.
DEAR SISTER Mai,
ReplyDeletei think the only way your husband is managing so well is because of your understanding and support, so you the one who deserves an A+!!! May Allah reward you in this world and the hereafter.....aameen
lots love.....
al hamdullilah, my family has similar rules. although, because of his schedule, he can't visit a family right after work and then go to the other house. if a wife has to get picked up, or something comes up and he has to leave to tend to it, then he tries to make up the time. our nights start at maghrib. he leaves one house at this time. and goes to the other house after he tends to business, studies, etc. the days are his. the children stay the night from time to time at either house. we call him at the other house for business, questions, etc. but not to chit chat. we have been doing this for 6 years now
ReplyDeleteMashaa'Allah Huda, jazaaki Allahu khayran for sharing that with us. It is so helpful to have "back-up" lol. It is amazing how well a system can work and how soothing it is to have that structure and rules. We certainly notice that he spend more quality time with us now he's on the schedule. Mashaa'Allah, six years is long enough to be well established and comfortable. May Allah bless your whole family and make smooth and direct the path to His Jennah - ameen!
ReplyDeleteUmmH - Wa iyaaki. I'm glad to hear that you are finding some benefit. Barak Allahu feeki!
ReplyDeleteUmm Sabiha, jazaaki Allahu khayran! You are precious, mashaa'Allah. Ameen to your dua' and lots of love back to you!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say you have SO MUCH to be grateful for... I would be on Sujood all day if I was in your shoes... Life is so different when looked at with a borrowed set of 'glasses'... May you always be this happy... this blessed... this fortunate!!!
ReplyDeleteUmm Umar, my beloved bouncy ball...Ameen, thumma ameen!
ReplyDelete