Wednesday, January 12, 2011

We really should...

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I read a post, "Eating His Cake and Having Hers?" on another blog recently, which has triggered this post. It was an article about polygyny written by a man, explaining the various reasons men seek polygyny. It was an attempt to open up channels of communication on this ever touchy subject, and I pray Allah rewards him for that - ameen. However, some sisters commented with nothing but derogatory statements, which put a damper on anyone who might have wanted to expand on the positive side. In effect, they said that men should lower their gaze, men are self-serving, and men should have more control over their desires rather than jump on the polygyny bandwagon.

Okay, I agree! Men should lower their gaze, the should be considerate and sacrifice for others, and they should have more control over their desires. They should also pray just like Rasool Allah, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, and behave just like him, and do everything for the most righteous reasons with great taqwa and emaan. I say "should" because everyone has to have an ideal of how they "should" be. The ideal for us all is the Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam.

Of course, men are often complaining that women are deficient in emaan and 'ilm. Women don't control their tongues well, don't understand men's needs, and are too demanding. They want women with excellent adaab, emaan, taqwa, and Islamic knowledge. The women should also spend more romantic time with them, look fantastic, and be lively and entertaining after a day of tending to children, cleaning the house, and cooking. Men want to hear pleasant conversation, not the trials of the day and discipline issues of the children.  The women should be like the Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, with the added exemplary qualities of Khadijah or Aisha (radhi Allahu anhunaa).

So, in effect, man's biggest crime in the eyes of woman is that they aren't the ideal man. And guess what? Woman's biggest crime in the eyes of man is that they aren't the ideal woman.

Well, take it to Allah and stop expecting the world from mere humans. Allah created "insaan" - mankind - with imperfections; that is part of the big design. This life is a test, and we are here to struggle against shaytaan and our own nafs as part of the Divine Decree.

Man errs, man repents, man learns.
Man errs, man repents, man gains emaan.
Man errs, man repents, man grows.
Man errs, man repents, man gains taqwa.

Here is a concept that we, as Muslims, really need to implement:

Successful people don't spend their time placing blame, they look for solutions to the problem...

...and all solutions come from Allah, not people.


  1. LOVE IT!! Such a new way to look at it.. Thanks Mai!

  2. Firsty, my sweety...we needed this perspective, because all that holier-than-thou blame placing is contrary to Allah's Plan. The only time it is warranted is when man doesn't repent and doesn't learn. Glad you loved it and your welcome, always! <3

  3. Great post. Both sides need to look in the mirror before looking for that 'impossible perfect person'

  4. Asalamu A'laikum Mai,

    Balanced! I think its important to look at things for what they are. Nothing in life is ever black or white...Life is full of greys.

  5. Salaam Mai,
    While I often agree with you, in this case, having read the article, I have to say that it wasn't so much an attempt to open up dialogue as an attempt to badger and berate women who prefer not to live in polygyny.
    The bit he wrote chastising women who, in their marriage contracts, opt to give themselves the option of divorce in the case of the husband taking a second wife is especially disturbing. All the scholars have agreed that this is an acceptable clause in any contract and that it is not a matter of "making halal haraam" as the author would have it, rather, it is simply a matter of women who don't want to live polygyny taking their rights.
    As usual, those who don't question that polygyny is halal, but simply say they, like our beloved Prophet's own daughter, do not want it for themselves, are accused of being bad Muslims. This is a serious sin, Mai, and I am surprised that you didn't point it out. But perhaps your own situation has led you to overlook what you might usually have noticed.
    In any case, the man who knows his wife is in pain and wishes to live monogamously, who knows he is killing her inside, yet disregards her in order to "feel like a man" is not worthy of a good woman anyway.

  6. Jazakullah khair sister for your advice. I was having a real low then.Alhumdulillah my children are a blesssing to me and do help me run the house and take care of each other, but things aren't always smooth sailing (their ages range from 13yrs to 1yr) and i get impatient a lot now. My husband is supportive Alhumdulillah and my closeset friend and i think that's why it hurts so much. It all boils down to Emaan and not being strong in it. Often when we discuss it i realize i am encouraging him to do it, because it is a need in our society, there are good women who need the support of good men, then i feel insecure, the what-ifs haunt me...i hurt because i allow myself to be hurt yes? I've been wanting to study Quran for a long time but my time seems packed, i can't go out and at home i'm busy and can't focus, even now i am talking to one child, cradling my baby and my toddler is playing wiht my hair to comfort himself to sleep...Sisters would it be easier to tell him not to tell me about his seacrh till its done? I haven't yet because it hurts when others know what ur husband is doing and they know that you don't. We discuss our feelings about most things and i know that must change with another person in the picture but would it be rash to suggest it now? I'm considering doing istikara about saying this to him, before he gets back, pls advise.

  7. Lots of sisters LOVE to point the finger at the men for (And my added response)

    1. Not getting married to them. The brothers have "unrealistic expectations" for a wife so "I will never be that" How dare they want this type of wife! (If it's that bad a woman starts blaming all the men for not getting married to her, she may never get married)

    2. Not looking good enough for their husband (Hey, it's out of our hands how attractive we are, but at least we can try to look nice! Put something other than sweat pants on!)

    3. The women have to do ALL the work with the kids and house(Well, don't you want the reward for teaching them and sadaqa for judgement day?)

    4. I never seen a good day with him! (Well, there is the hadith of the majority of women in hellfire from the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him)

    These are just a few complaints from sisters. I think it's always good to look at myself and my responsibilities before pointing the finger at my husband or even considering that I have it bad. I don't! Alhamdulillah.

  8. We as mothers have so many duties, and when the expectations are makes the job more stressful. There are Dua that we can say in the morning and evening to help us along the way. Inshallah, we will one day see the fruits of our labor(mothering). I sometimes see a seed. I was telling my husband how I want to go for Umrah. My son came out and said "Just get close to Allah, and make Dua"! Allahu Akbar, that is from Allah. When we see our children worshiping Allah on their own free will, this is our reward. And may Allah add all of our work to our scale of good deeds. We as mothers are building an Ummah of knowledgeable(how to correctly worship Allah) muslims, but it takes alot of hard work. And the seed sometimes does not bear fruit sometimes for many many years.

  9. I really liked this:

    Successful people don't spend their time placing blame, they look for solutions to the problem...

    ...and all solutions come from Allah, not people.

    Hey Sis First Wife, where did your blog go? Or didn't I get an invite :(
    I really enjoyed reading it when I got the time to get online...

  10. Dear Umm Shudah,

    I recommend you do just that; ask your husband not to get you involved until the search process is over. Once he's done all the due diligence, decided it is right, and prayed his istikhara, then you need to know. It is extremely unpleasant for us to witness the search process and go through the roller coaster of possibilities.

    You allow shaytaan to whisper to you, and end up hurt. You know how you feel when you are right-minded and your emaan is strong, so it is clear that when you get all the bad feelings it is just shaytaan infiltrating your thoughts.

    Although emaan is a fluctuating thing, it is important to deal with shaytaan head on when he messes with you. Trust in Allah, sister, because it's all part of the Perfect Plan, and it's all good.

  11. Slm! do you think that the fact that women experience greater emotional fulfillment from having children (compared to men) can make up for (potentially) having to share their husbands?

  12. Jazakullah Khair sister, i love you for the sake of Allah (SWT). Alhumdulillah, i am in a better frame of mind now, our youngest has been ill and so things were really crazy today, plus hubby out of town (he was worried about our little one too and my frame of mind and called to check on us too), but it put things in prespective, i can't neglect my reponsibilities (esp my precious yet trying at times ones a.k.a. our children)for what may happen in the future, i do let shaitan rewind the past and fast fwd to the future in my mind. May Allah (SWT) protect me from him. Unfortunately there aren't many good examples of polygnous families here, infact none of our relatives or friends have as many kids (yet) and very few are home schooling so our family is often looked at trend setters or plain crazy, take your pick LOL!

  13. @Anonymous, wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh. I definitely think that having children is a great factor in women coping with polygyny. She always has the love of her children. It is constant, when perhaps the love of her husband doesn't seem so. I rarely think that the husband's love is lessened, but the closeness, affection, and comfort from her children are always there.
    The mother's love for her children, and having them with her during her husband's absence, are all things that fill a woman's life and time. In fact, many women find that polygyny gives them more time to focus on their children and do more things with them. I certainly did. I think there is much more time that needs to be filled with personal interests or activities when a woman is in polygyny but has no children.

  14. Salam,

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    Mrs. Khan

  15. Dear Mrs. Khan,

    Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh. Welcome! It is my honor that you are following me and I pray that you find some benefit here. Barak Allahu feeki, my dear sister.