Monday, January 10, 2011

The Supermom Position

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I accepted the Supermom career option around 8 years ago, wa al hamdul'Illah. I bake everything, from bread and muffins to bagels and biscotti. Our meals are a collection of international cuisines, it's as organic as I can get, and it's all from scratch. I sew up cotton/linen abaa'ahs and khimars for myself and skirts, prayer dresses, abayas, and little nightdresses for my children and their dollies. I run a high-end hair salon for my daughters, lol, who sport some of my original hair styles and creative ideas. I took elementary and early childhood education courses in college when my firstborn was one year old, just so I could raise and educate my children well. I love going camping, long hikes, tennis, boating, and the swings. I maintain my figure, get up at 4:30 a.m. for my tahajjud, bake fresh zaatar bread and muffins for breakfast, and keep on trucking until 10:00 p.m. or later. I make the family laugh, am full of ideas, enjoy being active, and pay attention to the details. I even attend Arabic, Quran, and Hadith classes in the mornings and actively strive to increase my knowledge. I am Supermom to many of my classmates as well, taking in homebaked goodies and dishing out advice about natural living. To all of that, I say, "mashaa'Allah," for Allah is the sole source of any and all good in me.

So, how do I do it? Well, I don't work. I left behind the workplace to be a wife and raise a good quality family. And, after saying all that, my bed isn't made and my bedroom is messy. I vacuum once a week and don't beat myself up if I was busy or tired and didn't iron the clothes until 15 minutes before we have to leave the house. In fact, there is a huge hole in my sheepskin slipper and I have no shame wearing them in front of guests. I even have a dust bunny collection on top of the fridge (hubby saw it because there is no way I can see that high up) that I'm going to tackle, but I'm not stressing about it...or even going to do it in the coming days.  Not only that, I have a list of things to do that could turn into parchment before it is completed.

Hmmm. Not quite so Supermom, huh? I could end up fired from this position if domestic perfection is the criteria for Supermom.

Well, I have come to the conclusion that what makes a mom super is doing all the things that are important and will make a positive difference to the lives she influences. Our children won't turn out to be well-balanced and rounded, educated and valuable members of society just because we made the beds every morning or vacuumed the house every day. It is the time we invest in them and in modeling the right behavior for them that gives them something to learn from. It is making those connections anywhere and everywhere so they realise all is from Allah, they must always answer to Him, and all fits into the Perfect Plan. Those are the "super" things that their moms do that lay the foundation for their children's greatness and success.

So, for all of you who think you don't qualify for the position, think again. Every mother who strives for the best regarding the well-being and ultimate success of her children is a Supermom in my book!


  1. Masha Allah. I loved loved loved this post. Being a "supermom" in the things that matter. My husband comes from a culture of cleaning to perfection. In the beginning I was like you, I invested in my kids and deen and left the rest. Then the complaining started, so I switched it. And this is where I am currently. More worried about the housework more than anything else. And I am not happy with this. I told him I dont have hired help, so when I am reading to the kids, something is not being done. If I am teaching them about the deen, something is not getting done. I just realized I am only ONE person. I cant do it all. So I am going to start to do the things that matter most to me..........Striving to be the best for the success of my children. Just the way you stated it. PS....I thought that maid service in the Kingdom was cheap, can you hire someone to clean?

  2. My dear UmmSalwaa,

    To work backwards, yes maids are cheap here but it's a headache to get one and I cannot justify it. That hadith about Fatima -radhi Allahu anha- stops my thoughts dead in their tracks, lol. If she was told to dhikr to ease her weariness, then I think I'd better dhikr and throw the laundry in myself. It's not a big deal, unless I have a husband who wants a home that's surgically yours, LOL!

    Your situation is a bit tricky, but what I have found is that depending on the age of the children, things can be delegated. Also, if I have to do something, but I also want to spend time with my children, I take them with me. They sit in the kitchen with their homeschooling or art, while I cook. They help me tidy up a room while I talk to them about whatever. Also, if I want their help and for them to do a good job, all I have to do is clean with them...they like that, but don't like it when they are alone. Dua' is the strongest ally of the believer, sister. Ask Allah to show you ways to put your children first and please your husband. It's amazing how the simplest changes can make such a big difference.

    Much love and a big dua' for you!

  3. hmmmmmmmm im imagining waking up to the smell of freshly baked bread lol :p

  4. As salamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh My sweet Freesia.

    Subhan Allah Ukhty you've done it again, this is so right, I would love to prioritize my kids over by chores but alas I am in the same position as umm Salwaa. somehow I think we have our priorities all wrong.

    I will do as you suggest encourage my boys to clean with me and teach them at the same time.

    Masha Allah Ukhty.

    I Love you for the sake of Allah Azzawjal, your blog is truly an inspiration..........................


  5. @Sweetlikechocolate: Want me to adopt you? Then you could sniff it nearly every day! I'm making some dough now...come on over. ;D

  6. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh my freesia!

    Yes habibati, try to find ways to do what's important while doing what's "to do." Allah always opens doors when we seek His assistance for the right reasons. I miss your hugs...I'm negotiating some UK time again this summer so I can re-stock on them!

    Now ou know how to bake the bread... so bake with the boys. They learn lifeskills and you impress hubby with that amazing smell when he comes in the door!

    May the One for whom you love me, love you even more - ameen. Jazaaki Allahu khayran...May all you are inspired to reap great rewards - ameen.

  7. UmmAbdulkarim-It nice to know someone feels what I feel. We really need to get our priorities right.
    Mai- I think its time that you share some of your recipes for healthy living. Also, I loved your advice!!!

  8. Ooh i could get used to that :p when my visa finally comes through *rolleyes* i do plan to go on a mad kitchen stuff spree and on my 'shall i shant i' list is a breadmaker. So i can wake myself up to it automatically in the morning lol

  9. I know of a person who is a Supper Mom, has 5 kids, homeschools them all, teaches Islamic school 4-6pm every day(for other kids too), and her house is spick & spam.. No wonder I was working myself dry trying to be like that!!! Thanks for the 'reality check' and making me feel like it's all possible... I wonder if I could have that kind of stamina every day with a little 'bump' on my Rx... LOL :D

  10. Wow u had me at fresh baked bagels lol takin notes over her I hope thar when I eventually become a mom I will have the energy,knowledge , and patience to be a supermom. Btw zartar bread is sooooo good! My umi used to make it when I was little . I guess reading all this I can understand your husbands post about u being so awesome . Inshallah one day .. Btw you still accepting adoption applications? Lol I would like to wake up to zartar bread too lol

  11. Mai! Ha ha, I know who you are now! This is Ameerah from the old site.....I got tired reading this! Allaahumma baarak feehi, ameen! I know for me, in order to run at full speed, I need to eat better & workout in shaa Allaah. I enjoyed this post! May Allaah give you good in this life & the next, wa salla lahu alayhi wa salaam, ameen!

    Check me out!

  12. I loved loved loved this post and may Allah accept it from you always habibti. I do not have any kids yet so my duty is keeping the house clean and looking after hubs so Insha Allah Insha Allah Insha Allah I will be starting my own DIY on how to bake bread...after I've mastered how the kitchen actually functions :S

    barakallahu feeki habibti and PLEASE if you are in London anytime soon (or in the future insha Allah), please let me know xxx

  13. @Umm Umar...yes, a few more milligrams of medicine and you should be zipping inshaa'Allah. I'm going to comment on your doctor post with to make sure you are being kept at the same T4 level as I am, inshaa'Allah.

    @Jaiyana...looks like I'll have to print off a few more of those adoption applications, LOL! This time you have now, without babies, is valuable. I didn't have mine until very late, but subhaan Allah, I had learned so much by then that it made it much easier, mashaa'Allah.

    @LaVoleurDomestique, aka's YOU making those crabby patties? Mashaa'Allah, how have you been? I remember you had another blog, during the AZJ days. Is that gone? Anyway, it would have been obvious to any AZJ member once they read a couple of my Sunnah, marriage, or mothering posts, LOL! It's great to catch up with you I can harrass you about eating well and exercising. Put that cookie down!

  14. My dear, dear Duchess...I hope all those dua' have had a beautiful result. Jazaaki Allahu khayran and ameen, ameen, ameen!

    I used a bread machine for a few years until I got the 5 minute recipe and I have never looked back since. I'd be happy to share it with you...because you will dazzle your family and become something of a master baker of bread, pizza, pitta, sweet rolls, bagels, soft pretzels, and bread sticks all from one simple 5 minute dough. Inshaa'Allah, get in touch with that kitchen, my girl!

    As for London, if I'm coming then you'll be knowing bi ithn Illah! Much love to you and very tight hugs.

  15. please share the five minute dough!!!!

  16. UmmSalwaa my sweetie,

    Here are links to two versions - one based on using plain flour for a white loaf, another being the healthy wholewheat version. For your information, I do the original one for the white loaf but substitute 3-4 cups of wholewheat flour for the plain and reduce it to 6 cups of flour. Works perfectly, ma shaa'Allah.

    In a nutshell,

    3 cups warm water
    1.5 tablespoons dry yeast
    1.5 tablespoons sea salt ( 1 is really enough)
    6 cups flour (I use 3 wholewheat and 3 unbleached)

    put the water in a big bowl with the yeast and salt. Stir and add the flour. Mix until all the water is incorporated into the flour and it is a soft dough - about 1 - 2 minutes. Cover it and leave it for a couple of hours until it has doubled in size or risen and deflated itself. That's it. Dough is ready. I keep it in the fridge so I can pull some out morning, noon, or night and whip up some yummy something, lol.

  17. MashaAllah tabarakAllah! I admire that you realise what things are most important in life - and they are not having an immaculate house or perfectly ironed and ready to wear clothes! I wish I had figured that out earlier on in my married life...Did you learn it from your mum...? No wonder your hubby wanted to marry again - he probably thought you are so good, 'I want two of them!!' Again mashaAllah tabarakAllah may Allah keep you like that, ameen...

  18. Dear sister Mai, as-salaam alaikum, polygny seems to be a reality waiting to happen in my life. I have seven kids, the youngest is just a few months old, the cycle of nursing and not much sleep has yet to end - not i'm not bitter, i love my kids, but obviously things at hoem could be better.....he's searching for another to revive a sunnah, to help a female who needs it, i understand, but oh i feel so down at times, it harder to sleep thinking, i wish to stop thinking, i feel that i don't want him near me, but then i fear that will drive him to search more quickly.. how do i make myself normal? I feel like telling him that once he finds another he need not spend time with me, just come see the children, i don't want to hurt this way and i dn't want to feel hurt because of him! I know i do not have the right to push him away, but i wish i could turn away because i can't think as if he isn't hoping and looking forward to having soemone else, possibly somone with no kids, maybe more intellectual, a working woman who he can speak to, i feel like an old shoe and wish to push hime away before i hurt i making sense?

  19. @Ahluuul - Ma shaa Allah Allahumma baarak wa jazaaki Allahu khayran!

    I never thought about it too much, whether I learned it from my Mum. However, she is very similar in many ways. She is an excellent cook, sews, knits, took the time to do jigsaws and play Scrabble with me, etc. The difference is that she isn't Muslim. For me, it is far more important because I must impart to my children in any way I can that pleasing Allah is everything,that Allah's Love is our true happiness, and that our priorities have been set by Him. At some stage, I realized that what it means to have to answer to Allah is that everything we do, every choice we make, should be an informed and a conscious one. I'd better stop before this becomes too long, but I hope you get my drift.

    As for my husband, he has always wanted another wife and the reason is to help him lower his gaze. I think that me being this way has made it harder in a way because it isn't easy to find sisters who are on the same page. Mashaa'Allah, he told me once that I am a hard act to follow. Now he has totally skipped the aspect of someone who is like me in lifestyle and chosen someone who has deen. The rest, depending on how he develops her, can come with time in shaa Allah.

  20. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh Umm Shudah.

    Before I respond to you, did you read my post, "The Grass is Green on Both Sides of the Fence"? In fact, if you read all the posts I wrote on Polygyny (just click on Polygyny in the cloud), you will find many of your feelings addressed.

    Okay, now I totally understand how you feel. It is much harder when you have a newborn baby, 6 other children, and are exhausted. This is a time of great stress and emotion for any woman. It is important that you look at your concerns realistically. Write them down, look at the list and add to it as you think of more things, then decide which of those thoughts and concerns are really whispers from shaytaan. In this way, you will be able to differentiate between the things that need to be addressed and the things that are shaytaan sabotaging you. At that point, you can go through the list with your husband, inshaa'Allah. Bi ithn Illah, he will be able to work through those things.

    I have a saying for existing wives:

    "Go ahead and marry again, but don't let it have a negative effect on our marriage, our children, or my life."

    If the man takes care of that, then the wife, with reliance and trust in Allah, will have all the ammunition she needs against shaytaan's whispers.

    Never forget, shaytaan is the one who wants you to fail. Don't let that rotten devil have his way!

  21. Jazakullah khair for your response sister. I have read your blog 'the grass is always greener', I admire your patience, i did feel patient at some point, i did make a list once nad we did discuss my concerns and he realized there were things he had not considered... its just that recently i found out that he had hopes in someone - who has not responded yet, and she is a few yrs younger,independet, working woman with aMasters degree (point being intellectually superior to me - education and master degrees have become very admired by my inlaws lately) and never married before. I do feel run down, all my kids are not old enough to look after themselves and i homeschool them and we only just started so i'm still trying to manage that, the younger ones, and sleep and now the fact that he is actively considering someone else is like another straw i just can't take, no i don't want to think poor little me...but my life has revolved around him, we have never really spent a long time as a couple because when we were first married we had my inlaws living with us and privacy was limited, i feel cheated that we haven't had as much time as a "we" and a co wife will get him to herself and obviously it will be a sweeter relaationship - a fresh start no kids or inlaws who can't understand a couple need to spend time together and grow together. And the very things he did not want of me - to have a job or study further, appear ok in another woman, though i can not consider it because i must juggle my i sound pathetic? Well i feel pathetic!

  22. Wa iyaaki UmmShudah. There are three things that seem to need attention in your situation.

    1. You are comparing yourself to the prospect and think you are the lesser person.
    Whoever he finds as a prospect will have some good points, so whoever it is, you will be able to compare yourself unfavorably if you like. Of course, that is really giving shaytaan a party. Your husband loves you and wants you. That doesn't change because there is someone else in his life. What makes you think that an independent, highly educated woman will be so much more attractive to your husband? Take my word for it, it is very hard for a man to adjust to a woman who is independent, with a mind and of her own, and education that may overshadow his own intelligence. You'd be amazed at how much they start to see all the good in you, once faced with someone else. Your role is the one depicted the most in the women of the Sunnah, mashaa'Allah. Allah sent it to you, because He meant it for you. You even said it yourself, that your husband wants you in that role. Just do it well.

    2. You are under great stress, with many major life changes going on. Qadr Allah. Take it one day at a time. Is your husband a big help around the house? Does his presence alleviate much of your workload? If his absence on alternate nights will make a huge difference to the workload on you, then it needs to be readdressed. If not, then consider that time your time...take the easiest routes and start giving your children little jobs around the house. It's amazing how those little things can add up. If your cleaning the kitchen get them to clean the cabinet doors, a little patch of the floor, the fridge door. Children love sponges, soap, and water! They love to have little jobs, like setting the table, clearing up dishes, sorting out the laundry.

    3. Your life revolves around him. This is the most important sentence you said. I realize that this has been a key issue with many of the women who are presented with the prospect of polygyny after years of marriage. They rely on their husband for most things...and primarily for their happiness. This is one of the reasons I believe Allah sends polygyny to some of His faithful servants. Because your life is supposed to revolve around ALLAH. Allah should be in your thoughts 24/7, not your husband. How does Allah pull you to Him and correct faith? When you find that your husband is not longer at your disposal all the time and shaytaan starts to work overtime on your thoughts, you turning to Allah to seek refuge. When you feel hurt by your husband, you are reminded that Allah doesn't hurt you. When you feel alone because he is not home, you are reminded that Allah is always with you. When you feel like his love may be wavering, you are reminded that Allah's love never wavers. All of it increases your tawakkal of Allah and seeking him out. I wrote about it in the "Why Sacrifice?" post.

    Sister, the only thing to feel pathetic about is not pleasing Allah. All the rest is shaytaan. That rotten devil will work overtime on you, so turn to Allah and dhikr so he will go running.

    I don't know if that has helped at all, but I'm keeping you in my dua' as well, so inshaa'Allah, something will work.

  23. UmmShudah- What Mai is telling you is so correct. I know from experience. She is giving you the tools of survival, please read as much as you can from her past entries. Remember the real success and happiness in the Dunya is worshiping Allah.
    Mai- Thanks habibti for the bread recipe, I am about to get started on it...Inshallah!

  24. What a wise woman you are masha Allah! point number 3 made me burst out in tears!
    Anyway, back to the topic of supermom: a little quote:

    Cleaning and scrubbing will wait ’till tomorrow, but children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
    So quiet down cobwebs! Dust go to sleep!
    I’m rocking my baby. Babies don’t keep. – Ruth Hamilton

  25. @Anonymous,
    I love that quote! Jazaaki Allahu khayran for sharing!

    As for polygyny being sent to put Allah first, that is what I learned from our first polygyny experience. It was an amazing fitnah and my husband openly admits he got an "F" on his report card for that episode. Throughout it all, I put Allah and Jennah above everything else. It changed me. It confirmed to me, in the most amazing way, that truly EVERYTHING Allah sends us is for our benefit. Al hamdul'Illahi Rabb il aal Ameen!

  26. Very nice mashaa Allah! It really made me think.