BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.
I have mentioned before that we had a polygynous experience two years ago that did not work out. It was a real mess and shaytaan was pretty much dancing a jig every day. Qadr Allah, maa shaa fa'al! It was a time when I was truly tested and I came to some serious truths that made everything that came afterwards seem insignificant.
When the problems escalated, friends would tell me that I needed to safeguard my rights and be ready with a contingency plan. In other words, if things continued to deteriorate, that I should walk away from the marriage. To this advice I responded, "Getting my rights isn't important, Jennah is. This might be my entrance ticket in more ways that one. If I bear the situation with patience, Allah will reward me for my conduct, elevate my rank in Jennah, expiate my sins, and set things right in the dunya as well. If I was being treated unjustly and wrongly accused of bad intentions, then my sins would be given to my abuser or accuser. If I was truly oppressed, then my dua' has a straight express lane to Allah."
I must expound on the part about not placing great importance on my rights. Just last week, my husband was telling me about a talk he had with a student from the Islamic University of Madinah. The student had been asking a religious scholar where does he draw the line about getting his rights. In a nutshell, the scholar told him, if you don't take your rights from the people in this life, they will be presented before you on the Day of Resurrection. You will have the option of either stopping to demand your rights from them, or skipping that step and going directly into Jennah. It's up to you, whether you want to stop first or not. Subhaan Allah, can you imagine bothering for one minute about those things when the gates to Jennah are right in front of you? Who cares about those rights? Allah is The Fair, The Just, The Balancer, The One to take Retribution. Those people will still have to answer for what they did. But the one who bypasses them for the greater goal just gets higher and higher ranks for his sacrifice.
There are no coincidences. Hearing this was amazing for me, because that was exactly what I had come to 2 years ago! I didn't care about demanding my rights, I just wanted that entrance...smooth and easy, bi ithn Illah, into Jennah...at any cost.
As for the possibility of being oppressed, the dua' I made to Allah, in the early hours of the morning in tears and desperation, was this:
"Oh Allah! If I am oppressed, please draw my husband to You. Please make him love what You love and hate what You hate. Please make clear to him the best course of action for both marriages.
Oh, Allah! Please draw my co-wife to You. Please make her love what You love and hate what You hate. Please make clear to her the best course of action for her marriage.
Oh Allah! Please protect our children from the hurt and harm that the fitnah of this situation may cause them. Please make me an anchor for them, and guide me to act for their safety and well-being.
Ya Rabbi, please set right all my affairs and give me clarity on the best way to conduct myself! "
The dua' I said the most was the one for my husband. I realized that the better my husband is and the closer he is to Allah, the better he will be to us all. Islam turns a tyrant into a khalifah, therefore if my husband was being tested or misguided then it could surely bring him to right guidance. I knew that the only hope for my children to have a father who is a good role model, was to beg Allah to bring him out of the fitan (plural of fitnah) of the situation and increase him in emaan, taqwa, and understanding.
I share this with you all so those of you who struggle may have some inspiration. More than that, I share it so you can better understand why I welcome polygyny - the good and the bad of it - because it has brought me so far and been of such a huge benefit - even failed polygyny!