Tuesday, May 4, 2010

My Heart is Constricted and my Tears cannot be Contained

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum.

Put this day down in my history book. There have only been a few of them in my life...since being Muslim. This is one of those days when the thing I cannot tolerate happened. I was misunderstood by someone dear to me and I hurt her. My speech and actions caused her to cry. As soon as I realised, I apologised and tried to clear it up. However, that was the least of the matter.

I cannot stand to be misinterpreted or misunderstood by those close to me. I'm not talking about the difference in British English or American English. I'm talking about someone thinking there is something negative, malicious, hurtful, condescending, or hateful in what I say. When someone interprets my words or actions in a way pleasing to shaytaan, I become ill. My heart is constricted, my stomach is in knots, and I cannot raise a genuine smile without tears.

Mashaa'Allah, by now the matter has been cleared up and I have managed, through a torrent of tears, to apologise again and make it clear that this was a big mistake on my part. Why? Because, I should take more care about what I say and how I react to people, taking into consideration how it might be misconstrued. Why? Because taking care of my every dealing with others is part of taqwa and part of loving for others what I love for myself.

However, even though all is well between this young girl and myself now, I am not fine. I have sat in prayer, drippy-nosed and runny-eyed making dua' al istighfar and praying Allah will guide me to much better conduct and thoughtfulness. I'm disappointed in myself; sick of my stupid mistakes. Audhu b'Illahi min asshaytaan irrajeem!

Don't worry. I cannot leave it at that. I'm grateful to my Rabb that He resolved the misunderstanding today. I'm grateful to have this experience to humble me and to, inshaa'Allah, guide me to improvement. I'm grateful that my heart is in ruins and I am in a state of despair when I do something wrong. All thanks and praise is for Allah, who gives us EXACTLY what we need, EXACTLY when we need it....for verily the reminder benefits the believer and the lesson increases taqwa and emaan.


  1. Awww sister Mai, don't despair! Allah has His way of bringing us closer to Him, even through hardship. The one who sins and repents can actually be better than the one who didn't sin at all, Subhan Allah! And the way you tell it, it wasn't even a sin, just a misunderstanding. Masha'Allah how strong you are in your faith, you've done a great thing by seeking Allah to help you through the matter. We all have our moments where we wish we hadn't done/said something. You're a shining beacon of exactly what to do if one's made a mistake, and may Allah heal your heart and reward you for teaching us through your example, Ameen.
    Salam walaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatahoo!

  2. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh Umm Hamza.
    Jazaaki Allahu khayran, habibty. I had another big "rain storm" when hubby came home, as I told him about it all. I hope I'm dried up now. I do feel a bit better now I've poured it all out to Allah, subhaana wa taala.

    I appreciate your kind words. Inshaa'Allah, as you say, others may benefit as well.

    As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

  3. ***sending a (((hug))) and a big box of tissues*** ;-)

  4. Asalamu A'laikum, I am so glad to have found your blog Masha'Allah..

  5. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh Miss K!

    If you're glad to have found my blog, then I'm glad you found it too - wa al hamdu l'Illah, the One who provides what we need, when we need it! Welcome, Ahlan wa Sahlan, and I look forward to getting to know you. Seems we are both thoughts and opinions people, LOL! You are a very big blessing to me on this day. Jazaaki Allahu khayran!