Bismillah wassalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
It appears to me that Muslim men, perhaps more so those who reverted and had relationships before Islam, have a conflict. They want the piety and beauty of an Islamic wife and family, but the base desires of sexual freedom and a woman like those on the street still exist. After all, the biggest jihad is against our nafs.
They want sexual excitement and spontaneity which dies a slow death with having a family. Pregnancy,babies, children, etc. make acting on impulse and dressing to tempt and invite virtually impossible. Men have to repress their desires, do without. I'm not talking about actual intercourse, as a wife can be willing every day maashaa Allah, but the whole atmosphere and freedom of interaction is what they don't have. They may wish for the days before children came along, or yearn for the day when the children are all grown, to regain that free and impetuous sexuality.
A busy wife is a blessing, and a turn off. She doesn't have time for doting on her husband; other people and things take priority. So, while a man may understand and appreciate her ability to run the house, raise the children, and do all the extra she does, he is not getting what he wants/needs to feel satisfied. These are the biggest factors I see and have understood from my husband - polygany analyst and survivor - over the years, maashaa Allah.
Men have different tolerance levels and will handle the situation in a different way. Most think they are too much man for one woman and seek other outlets. Problem is, for those who don't actually try polygany, they don't see the reality of it. Unless they take a childless woman who won't have any or a woman whose children are all grown, they will have the same exact situation with number two or three or four, as with number one as soon as they fall pregnant. They also don't have the chance to compare the women to see and appreciate those things in number one that subsequent wives lack.
Depending on how the man deals with his repressed feelings, he could be irritable, distant, withdrawn, or immerse himself in other activities - halaal or haraam. He will struggle with himself about his repressed feelings and will not want to admit that changes in his behavior are due to them...or justify his behavior due to them.
My husband, upon reading this, agreed that I have just about summed it up alhamdulillah!
Well said. I hope more men will try to grow up and have the understanding that things can never be the same after kids. Expecting the same level of loving, doting, dressing seductively and all that is practically impossible, except of course, if the wife will almost completely neglect the kids (maybe lock them up in a room, lol) and no good woman will do that.
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ReplyDeleteAssalamo alaikum, when you see this written down it is very sad. A grown man who behaves like a hormonal 14 year old. I really don't think this is a typical portrayal of muslim men, alhamduliillah. As you say perhaps subsections who have engaged in "free" relationships pre-Islam.
ReplyDeleteThese men need counselling, not a string of extra wives in an attempt to "cure" their boredom, restlessness etc. As you say they will face the same problems time and time again. A man with children should be equally invested in their upbringing, tarbiyyah etc If he has excessive time to mull over these things then he is slacking somewhere.
Regarding "most men think they are too much for one woman" this is embarrassingly true and I think will continue until wives are open with their husbands and let them know that they aren't "all that". I have seen on sisters/polygyny forums that many women are not satisfied in that department, but the man seems to have this notion of himself as some sort of sexual gift to womankind that he needs to share lol.
May Allah forgive us all and guide us to what is good, ameen.
Wa alaykum ussalaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. Ameen to your du'a.
DeleteTruly, it is a matter of controlling the soul over its wants and having gratefulness for what one has. This life is the test of priorities and self discipline. We should be, striving for an eternal Jennah, not heaven on earth.
Jazaak Illahu khayran sister.
I've been thinking this over and would say this is not even an issue related too much to having previous experience, but it is a feeling of entitlement that one "deserves" everything that he wants, and must get it or else can't function normally. I think there are greater psychological issues behind this, and as you point out controlling the nafs is an important part of our deen.
DeleteI have found that the serial polygynists (ie the frequent marrier/divorcers) don't seem bothered what mess they have left behind them; for them it is about getting what they want (and they use the sunnah as a smokescreen) They may have children in different states/countries that they aren't raising, wives who are practically single mothers etc.....yet they still think that another wife will be the answer.
We teach our children that they cannot have everything they want, yet these men are just doing that very thing. InshaAllah we should strive to raise our sons to be focused and grateful, with full trust that our desires will only be truly fulfilled in jennah.
Wa hasbunAllah wa na'mal wakeel.
Mai, i meant that all you said here makes a lot of sense but much more applicable to non-revert people born in Muslim religion/culture
ReplyDeleteAssalamu alaykum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh
ReplyDeleteI need personal naseeha and I wonder if there is any way that I could contact you, sister?
BaarakAllaahu feeki.
Wa alaykum ussalaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh ukhtee.
Deletehealingearth@ymail.com
Wa feekee Baarak Allah.