Horrible Stuff

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, I lost myself again. Not the autopilot, disconnect I sometimes feel when I'm busy, but to a whole new level, wa audhu b'Illahi min ashaytaan irrajeem! 

I have been feeling lonely. I feel that nobody wants to know me, know how I feel, what I like, what I dislike, my struggles. I feel that everything is expected of me, and yet nobody sees that I am a human being with needs. I feel like everything falls on me. I have to make contact, reach out to others, make the effort, be proactive. I feel pressure upon me and despair under that pressure. 

Please take note that I keep saying, "I feel...". That means that there are people around me and in my life who love me, care about me as a person, and maybe even truly want to be part of my life and do things I enjoy. I just don't feel like there are. Astaghfirullah! I want to go for walks, I'm not going anywhere. I cannot even fathom how to get anyone to walk with me. Sad, but true, I feel like running away...to nowhere.  

Oh, I need to read my own blog! I need to not take it personally when other people's idea of love isn't the same as mine. I need to rationalize that people have their own lives and don't have time to focus on me or listen to me. I feel that I am not a priority to those I make my priority. Yes, I seriously need to read my own blog! But no man is an island and while I'm never alone with my Perfect and Precious Rabb to turn to, He Who knows me inside out, I feel lonely surrounded by family and friends. 

Anyone know this feeling? Well, I know I need to do things to set myself right. I just have to fight through to increase in my ibadah and turn to Allah. He is the one to set right my heart and mind, to set right my relationships. 

Inshaa Allah, I will post again with my progress on this. It's been going on for a long time, so when I find solutions, I'll share inshaa Allah. 

Much love!

Subhaan Allahi wa bihamdihi, laa illaaha ila Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

 

Forgiveness!

 As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh!

A dear sister just sent me a message, asking me to forgive her for a comment she made over 11 years ago. Oh, how I love this sister! Oh, how I feel that total connection to her! Why? Because I sit and mull over all sorts of things that I am sorry for, that I make istighfar for, and that I seek forgiveness for. I worry that I've hurt or upset people, I constantly fear that I didn't say or do the best thing. Needless to say, I apologize a lot and make istighfar a lot. 

I went through so much when I responded to her 11 years ago, trying to be thorough but not displeasing to Allah in my manners. And even now, looking back, I worry that I didn't respond in the best way. So, to this dear sister, and to every sister who has ever asked for my forgiveness, I ask you to forgive me.

We are all human, we are all imperfect, and subhaan Allah, we struggle through SO MANY TESTS every day! Forgive before anyone can even ask. Make istighfar and seek forgiveness to clear your heart and mind. Then just keep on trucking, doing what you can to please Allah.

I seriously need this blog. Life gets me busy, I let so much distract me, but Allah Knows I need to share my struggles and thoughts again. Inshaa Allah this is the push I needed.

Much love to you all.

Subhaan Allahi wa bi hamdihi, laa illaaha ila Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.