My Heart is Constricted and my Tears cannot be Contained

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum.

Put this day down in my history book. There have only been a few of them in my life...since being Muslim. This is one of those days when the thing I cannot tolerate happened. I was misunderstood by someone dear to me and I hurt her. My speech and actions caused her to cry. As soon as I realised, I apologised and tried to clear it up. However, that was the least of the matter.

I cannot stand to be misinterpreted or misunderstood by those close to me. I'm not talking about the difference in British English or American English. I'm talking about someone thinking there is something negative, malicious, hurtful, condescending, or hateful in what I say. When someone interprets my words or actions in a way pleasing to shaytaan, I become ill. My heart is constricted, my stomach is in knots, and I cannot raise a genuine smile without tears.


Mashaa'Allah, by now the matter has been cleared up and I have managed, through a torrent of tears, to apologise again and make it clear that this was a big mistake on my part. Why? Because, I should take more care about what I say and how I react to people, taking into consideration how it might be misconstrued. Why? Because taking care of my every dealing with others is part of taqwa and part of loving for others what I love for myself.

However, even though all is well between this young girl and myself now, I am not fine. I have sat in prayer, drippy-nosed and runny-eyed making dua' al istighfar and praying Allah will guide me to much better conduct and thoughtfulness. I'm disappointed in myself; sick of my stupid mistakes. Audhu b'Illahi min asshaytaan irrajeem!

Don't worry. I cannot leave it at that. I'm grateful to my Rabb that He resolved the misunderstanding today. I'm grateful to have this experience to humble me and to, inshaa'Allah, guide me to improvement. I'm grateful that my heart is in ruins and I am in a state of despair when I do something wrong. All thanks and praise is for Allah, who gives us EXACTLY what we need, EXACTLY when we need it....for verily the reminder benefits the believer and the lesson increases taqwa and emaan.

La! La! La!

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum.

All thanks and  praise be to Allah, He made me a joyous soul. From the time I wake up, I'm bright and lively, mashaa'Allah. Very often, people find me saying, "La! La! La!"

It's my trademark. It's my daily declaration. It says, "I'm grateful for EVERYTHING." It means, "Al hamdu l'Illah!" It is joyous, happy, and infectiously optimistic. It is the result of my heart bursting with love for Allah, subhaana wa taala, and His every blessing. It makes my children, friends, and colleagues smile. It means I'm happy.

You, too, might find these three words lifting your spirits and those around you. Try it...you might like it.

La! La! La!

The Bad Guy-ette

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum.

I'm the bad guy-ette. I'm the one who asks if the children went to the bathroom and brushed their teeth when they just want to jump out of bed and play. I'm the one who asks if they have wudhu before they pray. I'm the the who notices that, even if they say they have wudhu, they haven't been to the bathroom in over 4 hours and need to go first and then perform the ablution again. I'm the one who wakes everyone up for fajr. Back and forth to knock on the door again or shake the shoulder until they get up.

I'm the bad guy-ette. I'm the one who tells them to tidy up. I'm the one who makes them say sorry. I'm the one who gives them proof about their wrongdoing and doles out punishments or tells "Daddy." I'm the who has to say, "No," most of the time. I'm the one who has to say, "Stop it!" I'm the one who has to say, "Please,be quiet." Then, "I said, be quiet!" Then, "Shut up!" I'm the Manners Police, the Sunnah Supervisor, the Life Skills Trainer, the Prison Guard.

I know there are many of you out there holding the same position. You, too, are the bad guys and/or bad guy-ettes. I don't know about you, but I get tired of it. I get tired of the dirty looks, the rude backtalk, the negative reactions all directed towards me just because I'm doing my job. But, for all of you in the same boat, here's what I remembered last Saturday: the prophets Nuh (Noah) and Ibrahim (Abraham) alayhum ussalaam. These are examples of patience. These are examples of grace and incredible perseverance under mass rejection and duress. These are human examples sent to us by our Creator (Allah) who make what we put up with seem like an atom in the universe. They did it for the Good, for the Right, to try to bring mankind to success in this life and the next...and that's exactly why we do it.

So, now when I get the rolled eyes or the muttering under the breath as a reaction to some guidance or directive I've given, I just think to myself, "Nuh! Ibrahim!alayhum ussalaam" After all, this is just one young, immature person who doesn't know what's best for them. I may face it with all the children in my care, but it's nothing compared to a whole people. Keeping it in perspective makes being the bad guy-ette not so quite so bad.
All Praise and Thanks is for Allah, our Most Perfect and Merciful Guide!

How Many Atoms Make a Bomb?

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum.

Yet again, I was in tears after a thought struck me today. It came during the Jumu'ah prayer and just developed from that point forward. How many small things does it take to end up with something big? How many little indiscretions, little mistakes, or omissions can we make before it ends up being a serious issue to answer for on Yawm id-Deen (the Day of Judgement)?

We are told to follow the Quran and the Sunnah. We are told to love the Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa salaam) more than we love our own selves and families. We are told to emulate the example of the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam), to take what he gives us and leave the rest.

We are told that if we don't have something good to say, "ismut" - we cannot say anything at all. How many times do we forget or simply ignore that command? How many times do we forget to remind our children to step into the bathroom with their left foot, step out with their right foot, and say the appropriate dua'? How many times do we forget ourselves? How many times do we dhikr after the fard prayer so quickly that we paid no attention to what we were saying? How many times have we let something, or someone, get in the way of us dhikring at all?

How many times do we stand up or walk around eating or drinking. Many of us can quote the ahadith about the etiquettes of eating, about sitting when we eat or drink, about eating with our right hand, about taking the piece of food nearest to us, and filling just 1/3  of our stomach with food, etc. We relate these etiquettes to our children and remind them to say "bismIllah" before they eat, but then we relax...we forget as we pass them something with our left hand. We don't pay attention to them eating with their left hand. We don't check if they said bism'Illah. We don't tell them to sit down to eat and drink. We forget to be the model for them and follow those guidelines ourselves. Everyone eats until they are full.


How many atoms does it take to make a bomb - around 53,000 in reality, but in just one day we commit so many small errors, omissions, or sins that they can easily add up to a bomb before we even know it. Some people think I'm very fastidious about these things, and in general I try to cover all the bases, but I find myself constantly missing something or other. Alhamdul'Illah, we err and we seek forgiveness...but when the errors, omissions, and sins are from our own laziness or carelessness, then I wonder to myself how many will it take before we have something huge on our left-hand side account to answer for?

Audhu b'Illahi min asshaytaan irrajeem!

Aha... Don't take it personally!

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum.

I have long found that when people do things that they know I will not like or "approve" of, they expect some sort of reaction from me. In the past I have usually given that reaction, or at least something approaching it. After all, if I don't approve of it, then there is usually an element in it that is wrong, extremely disliked, or "doubtful" in Islam. I stink at hiding my feelings when something goes against Islam.

However, I just read something that Allah obviously meant for my eyes on this day, for a very specific reason. Amazingly enough, just two hours prior to reading it, I had an experience that was exactly what I've described. The difference this time is that I didn't react in any strong or notable way. I acknowledged and I walked away, showing no further interest and making no further comment. Of course, it was already a given in the other person's mind that I wouldn't really like the situation. I think, however, it surprised them that I remained so unemotional. (Sorry, I can imagine that you are wondering what the whole episode is about, but I don't want to disclose any details as this is something that can apply to just about anything.)

So, what happened to help me keep my cool and also to change my mindset? Well, two things. The first was simply that I couldn't see any point in getting upset over something that I'd already been upset about before. That seems like a waste of time. Rather than stress myself, I am relaxing and relying on Allah. After all, this happened for a reason, and perhaps it is simply to move me to a better place in my reactions and thought processes.

The second thing was reading something from a book called The Four Agreements. It is just from the 11 page .pdf file ,which is Module 1 and basically is an overview, but the part about not taking things personally really hit home. Just as I have a whole set of "rules" and "beliefs" I hold fast to in my "world" so does everyone else. They aren't trying to upset me when they do things, they are following their own private agenda. Once I considered this as something separate from me, I could detach myself. I, literally, am not taking it personally. I have long understood that we all have different developmental timeline and curves, so why on earth would I expect others to be on mine, when I'm not on theirs?

Now, I am not a person to spend time reading self-help books, etc. so I really do consider this a direct hit from Allah that I followed my nose to this book. I believe that everything we have to face in life is covered by Islam and that reading ahadith and Quran will put us in the mindset to take it all in stride. However, it wasn't that the book was saying something new, it was that it brought to my mind a onslaught of different ayaat from Quran and ahadith that support it. As I read the part about not taking things personally I thought, "Qadr Allah, mashaa fa'al" (It was Ordained by Allah and He Willed it to be) and "Save yourself from the fire whose fuel is men and stones." (Surah at Tahreem - 6) and that we will not be asked about the sins of others, we will be asked about our own. So, rather than rack up a report on my left side account by reacting in a negative way, I'm accepting it as part of a much bigger picture and saving myself.

Bi ithn Illah I will have a better approach to many things with his outlook and reap much better results. Ahhh.....if only I can apply this with my children....ya Rabb!

The Bitter Truth

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum.


Life is filled with bitter truths; stages of wrongness and misguidance that we would love to erase from the paper, rip out of the book.They are all of our own making, all products of our own failings.

I've been through the newbie stage of learning a little something and then thinking I knew it all, astaghfirullah! I've been through the complete loss of confidence stage where I knew that my knowledge was insufficient and insignificant. I knew virtually nothing about Islam, but felt that the vastness of what there was to learn was all too much to ever get anywhere with. Audhu b'Illah! Then, by Allah's Mercy, I reestablished my connection with my Creator. Somewhere inside me, in the conscience Allah has given us all, I knew truth and right wa al hamdul'Illah. I knew what was a compromise, what was less than 100%, what was never going to be right no matter how hard I tried to make it so. I grew in Islam and gained depth of faith and knowledge through avid seeking and observation of my surroundings.

However, throughout, Allah put around me a variety of people who didn't have the correct, clear, or complete understanding of Islam. People who had an amazing way with words and who seemed to continually override my beliefs of right and wrong with a collection of really "good sounding" excuses. They belittled me, implied my concepts of Islam were flawed due to my newness, lack of Arabic language, and unsophisticated thinking. They gave me "interesting" interpretations of Quran and ahadith. They gave me "logical" explanations that led me to a huge conflict with the simple, clear perfection of Islam. They told me of the beauty and perfection of Islam, while only practicing certain aspects of it. Their misguidance was a bitter truth.
 
What happened in the end? I left those people behind. The conflict eventually turned my heart from them. I said my farewells, made heartfelt dua' for them, and moved far away to strive for what was pleasing to Allah. Of course, that held a whole new set of tests and struggles. A whole new learning curve. A whole new set of mistakes through ignorance, weakness, and my own stupid self. What a bitter reminder those mistakes are, but what a blessing it all is! Those things, looking back at them as misguidance, moved me to ever better realization and clearer focus.

When I hear people give their edicts, their religious interpretation of things, and especially when they select the meaning they desire from ayaat of Quran or ahadith, it hurts me. It is an insult and a disobedience to Allah and His messenger. But, haven't we all done it at some time? Isn't it the essence of human nature to err? Isn't it part of our growth and development to make mistakes and then learn from them? Yes, yes, and yes...that is the bitter truth. But it is when we don't learn, when we sit on our pedestal and close the door on knowledge and betterment, that we are lost.

Oh, I'm sure I misinterpret things at times, but I make the effort to seek the truth, and then adhere to it...whether I like it or not. More than that, I seek refuge with Allah from being deaf, dumb, and blind and picking and choosing what suits me in Islam.  I seek refuge from losing sight of true submission.

No question, we all have our journeys to proceed along and mistakes to make. It is part of our development. However, misguidance is painful to witness and painful to remember. Why wouldn't it be, when we are clearly told that all innovation in this religion is misguidance and all misguidance is in the hellfire?