What is Enough?

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, the subject of what is enough has been recurring for me for years - from not shooting for the moon when all you need is reachable in a low tree branch, to considering what is beneficial and what is just superfluous. I have many thoughts on this subject and there are so many nooks and crannies to delve into! 

Before I start on the concept of enough, I will set the bar by stating that whatever we have at any given time is perfectly enough as that is what Allah has decreed for us. Our glass is always full of exactly what we should have, and each of us has a customized full glass. So, when we strive for better, we need to consider what kind of "better" we are striving for and if that "better" is for our aakhirah or our dunya. We need to consider what we are chasing, what our goals are, and if our striving and priorities align with those goals.

So, in terms of money, how much is enough? This will vary widely from person to person, but things to consider are how much are bills, how much is needed for shelter, transportation, food, education, and whatever else secures a stable life with the ability to worship Allah freely. For some, this is a mountain to climb to achieve, for others they reached the goal of enough and surpassed it in spades. 

If you have enough to live comfortably, what is the benefit of taking more time to dedicate to earning more? What benefit is there? Does pursuing more money-making projects or other projects that you would like to do outweigh taking more time for Allah, learning Arabic, memorizing and implementing the Quraan, slowing down and living more in tune with nature. What is your goal? Dunya or aakhirah? If you are driven by the desire to do many different projects, businesses, or hobbies, what are they for? Money? Self-satisfaction and pleasure? A social service? Do they serve your dunya or aakhirah.  If both, what benefits both and what distracts? These are not simple questions because they require a deep honesty and clarity of focus. 

If we want to truly aim for our aakhirah, leave behind the extravagance of excess and know what is enough, then it is time to make salaat ul istikhaara a regular part of our day, every single day. It's time to follow the guidance of Allah instead of our nafs and shaytaan and accept fully when Allah shows us where our priorities should lie and what is enough. 

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa Illaaha illa Anta, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Your first response changes your whole life!

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah wa alhamdulillah wa laa illaaha ila Allah wa Allahu Akbar!

There is not a single thing that Allah sends that isn't a blessing, whether clear or disguised. Not a single thing!

Before I go any further, let's just think of the story of Musa and Khidr in Surat ul Kahf. Musa assumed the worst of Khidr's actions, told him off, until Khidr said okay, that's it...and before parting with Musa explained the reality of his actions. Those actions were done for the sake of Allah! They were done at Allah's command! They were done in obedience to Allah! They were done for the best of reasons, which were not obvious to the onlooker, unless...

and here's where we come to the big reveal. If Musa had said one phrase upon seeing Khidr make a hole in the boat, kill the boy, and rebuild the wall it would have changed his whole mindset. What is that phrase? 

Alhamdulillah!

All thanks and praise are for Allah!

So the lesson we learn from that story is that qadr Allahu wa maa shaa fa'al - Allah decreed it and He does what He Wills and that Allah's Plan is the only Perfect Plan. 

Certainly, we must know Allah - His Names and Attributes - to understand that everything He sends is for our good, therefore there is good in everything He sends, hence we say first and foremost: alhamdulillah. 

How does this help us? Because sabr - patience - is at the first strike. Saying alhamdulillah reminds us first that we need to thank Allah for whatever He sends to us and praise Him for it. It changes your mindset immediately to see, or at least seek, the blessing in what He (azza wa jal) sent.

Here is a real-life example.

Someone sends you a message and shaytaan shouts in your ear, "Hey, that's really mean and spiteful!" You listen to that rotten devil and respond, "Let's fear Allah," or "Allah is just," implying that the person doesn't fear Allah or isn't just. However, if you immediately said alhamdulillah, it would send shaytaan running. Your response would reassure you that there is good in this message, and you focus on the good instead of assuming fault with the person who sent the message. That simple phrase stopped you from bad suspicions or assumptions about another Muslim, from insulting another Muslim, and reinforced what is fard (obligatory) upon us, which is husnu-thann - having the best suspicions of others and of Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'ala. Instead of having a negative response, we set ourselves up for success and, subhaan Allah, how quickly and easily we see the wisdom and benefit in what was sent to us when we trust Allah's perfect plan. 

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdik laa ilaaha illa Allah, astaghfirullah wa atoobu ilayk

Ignorance Destroys

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, those who are blessed with knowledge - beneficial knowledge, aka 'ilm - know the critical importance of "sami'na wa ata'na" - we hear, and we obey. They know that in following Islam, following the Qura'an and the Sunnah, they will have ease without conflict. Why? Because they aren't subject to opinion, personal feelings, or their own interpretation of any matter. They seek the legislated path and they stick to it, with all else being thrown aside or never even coming into play. I wish it for every believing Muslim on this planet - ameen.

Fitna doesn't grow out of Islam. It grows out of the absence of Islam. It grows out of the absence of knowledge and adherence to it. Fitna doesn't grow out of proof and accountability; it grows out of ignorant self-conviction and sheer disobedience. Muslims, new and seasoned, are guilty of this. I went through that stage 30+ years ago and, after making extensive istighfar, I dread reverting to such a state again.

The enormity of the du'a Rabbi zidnee 'ilmaa is that increasing in sound Islamic knowledge frees your mind and heart. You live in peace and security because you are living "sami'na wa ata'na."

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdik laa illaaha ilaa ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 

Can you Succeed in a Marriage without Love and Trust?

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

In a world without the Islamic viewpoint, a marriage that doesn't have love or trust between the spouses is on the road to discord, misery, and divorce. Why? Because love and trust are considered the foundations of the union. They must love each other deeply and manifest that love in their words and actions. They must be loyal to each other, faithful and honest. So, what happens when these things are missing? There is no foundation and the whole thing crumbles.

In a marriage based on Islam, one can find themselves disillusioned with their partner, unable to trust them, even mentally and emotionally abused by them, which kills whatever love and trust they had. So how can they stay in the marriage, and why? Because from an Islamic viewpoint, marriage is a means to an end. It is half of your deen. We are not told that marriage is a love story or a test of trust between the spouses as such. We are, however, told that the marriage must have love and trust. 

The mistake we make is thinking that the love and trust have to be for our spouse.  No. The love and trust must be for Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'ala! When you love and trust in Allah, you know what He decreed for you is best. You know that if you do what He commands you to do, you will succeed. You know that in fulfilling others' rights, in meeting your Allah-given responsibilities, in living your Islam and doing all you can from what Allah, azza wa jal, is pleased with and loves, you are on His Siraat al Mustaqeem. When you focus on all that, you will find that you can more easily avoid sins because you are working towards your goal, not sabotaging it. 

I don't often quote any songs, but I often think of the words, "Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I! I will survive! Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive..."  As long as I know how to love Allah! People may think they can hurt or break you, but when you're living for the love and trust of Allah, they are insignificant. You destroy their power to hurt you and you hold the power bi idhn Illah ta'ala. 

It's all about perspective. It's all about that ultimate goal and remaining strong, firm, and determined on your path with that singular and clear goal in sight. 

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika laa ilaaha il ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk

Messages from Hail and a Tornado

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Over this summer we have had some mammoth hail storms, maashaa Allah. Twice we had baseball sized hail come thundering down, breaking windows, giving the siding on the house and our cars that dimpled golf ball effect. The second hailstorm, however, was followed by something altogether different. While we do not live in an area that is prone to any natural disasters, we had a tornado sweep through our area. This was a reminder that it doesn't matter where you live, even if it seems to be the safest, most secure place in the world, there is no way to escape Allah and what He, subhaanahu wa ta'ala, decrees for you. Two old travel trailers were completely decimated, the shipping container office was tipped over, 1650 gallon water tanks were hurled miles down the road, broken to pieces to be seen in fields and pastures afar. 

The things we lost were things that had been left to go to ruin - unfinished projects, like nearly everything on our land and in our lives. And the thing that was damaged was filled with things, purchase after purchase, stuff upon stuff. 

I thought to myself, we can amass as much as we like, shop till we drop, accumulate, plan to fix up, beautify... but it can be gone in a minute. So, think if it's really worth it. Do what matters, do what will always remain for you if nothing physical is left.

Alhamdulillahi Rabb il aal ameen for all the signs, reminders, and warnings He, in His infinite Mercy, sends us!  

Subhaaka Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha il ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 

My Remedy for Stinking Thinking

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I go through thoughts of not wanting to do things. I actually blow it up in my mind, making the task, action, or responsibility bad, awful even. But then, I understand that the attitude is being fueled by shaytaan. He doesn't want me to succeed. He wants to corrupt my thinking and sabotage my rewards.

So, action number one is to say the isti'aadhah (seek refuge with Allah from shaytaan, the accursed).

Action number two is to say the du'a, 

يَا حَيُّ يَا قَيُّومُ بِرَحْمَتِكَ أَسْتَغِيثُ أَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ وَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

(O Ever-Living, O Eternal One, by Your mercy I seek help; rectify all my affairs and do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for the blink of an eye).

Action number three, I ask myself this question regarding the thing I'm having negative thoughts about:

"Will I go to Jennah?"

Subhaan Allah, how that question puts everything into perspective! Subhaan Allah! 

Now, you might be thinking, how can you ask that question? You can't answer it; only Allah can. Well, here's where I explain.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “If a woman prays her five prayers, fasts her month of Ramadan, guards her chastity, and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from any gate she wishes.”

Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Ibn Ḥibbān 4163

Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Arna’ut

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ إِذَا صَلَّتِ الْمَرْأَةُ خُمُسَهَا وَصَامَتْ شَهْرَهَا وَحَصَّنَتْ فَرْجَهَا وَأَطَاعَتْ بَعْلَهَا دَخَلَتْ مِنْ أَيِّ أَبْوَابِ الْجَنَّةِ شَاءَتْ

4163 صحيح ابن حبان

9/471 المحدث شعيب الأرناؤوط خلاصة حكم المحدث صحيح في تخريج صحيح ابن حبان

In addition, take any hadith you choose regarding fulfilling your amana (trust) with Allah, taking care of your flock, the good deed erasing the bad deed, the rewards for the good deeds, and that everything we do with sincerity and the right attitude that is pleasing to Allah is aiding our Jennah account. 

Now can you see how easy it is to ask myself that question? That simple little question puts everything back into perspective and I can see that a small, simple, perhaps even insignificant thing can move me a step closer to that ultimate goal. It even makes me assess whether the things I might miss in life and relationships are really important in the scheme of things. It opens my mind to how those things are blessings, things that I can be grateful for because they increase my tawakkal, my du'a, my love of Allah, and my turning to Him for everything.

I have even asked my husband on occasion, "Will I go to Jennah?" and he looks at me quizzically. Then I quote that hadith and say that I'm doing my faraa'id so is he pleased with me? Subhaan Allah, it is a motivation to meet and exceed! What seemed mundane and tiresome when looking through shaytaan-stained glasses becomes a bargain not to be missed! Allahu Akbar wa l'Illah il hamd! 

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 

The Product of an Incident

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I get most of my inspiration for blog posts from situations that arise. Often, I jot down the ideas, concepts, or key points so I can expand on them. This is the sentence I noted down after an incident this past week. It is very comforting and calming for me.

Every time that Allah shows you the imperfections of others, 

He reminds you of the perfection of Himself. 

Inability to Communicate - I Understand

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

This post might seem a bit odd, considering all the positive stuff of late, but it's just a testimony to one of many things you may experience or feel. 

Some marriages are close, with strong and open communication. Some are not. There are marriages and relationships where even when you ask to go for a walk to talk or make time for communication, you are shut down. You are not allowed to communicate or express your feelings, ideas, or concerns. Any glimmer of a conversation that might have criticism, a dislike of something, or trying to work through a disagreement is not entertained. You may feel frustrated, resentful, isolated, sick and stressed from having no outlet for your feelings, unheard, uncared for, or dehumanized...how about ticking the box for "all of the above"? 

I want you to know that I understand. You are not alone. Although this can drive you explode and have outbursts that have negative repercussions, quickly make istighfar. Allah is Al Ghafoor, Al Afuww, Ar-Raheem!

Please remember that this is a whopping big reminder that you must take the words you say in every rakaah of every prayer seriously. "Iyyaaka na'abudu wa iyyaaka nasta'een!" (You alone we worship and You alone we turn to for help!) You can always turn to Allah, He hears everything. He knows before you open your mouth! He knows you inside out and He never shuts the door on you when you reach out. He is perfect; relationships with human beings are not. Deepen your communication with Allah and He will make a way for you. 

Subhaanaka Allahumma laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 

 

All Coming Together

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

We wrapped up the 8 Steps to Happiness book maashaa Allah, and everything has come together with the precise perfection only Allah can orchestrate, subhaan Allah! 

The 8 steps are in a nutshell:

1. True belief and perform good deeds

2. Occupy yourself with beneficial activity and or beneficial knowledge

3. Remembrance of Allah and Thankfulness to Allah

4. Removing what brings sadness and seeking out happiness - living in the present

5. Imagining worst situations

6. Firmness of the heart and reliance on Allah (tawakkal)

7. Repelling evil with good

8. Enjoying moments of happiness

Well, by the time I read each step, I was doing it all and - subhaan Allah - I felt all the benefit of it alhamdulillah!

Then, up popped a little webinar from Haleh Al-Banani on the 5 Pillars of Marriage. I would not normally bother to look at such things, but I took the time to listen and make notes. Here are my notes.

Marriage is much more about working towards a goal than other things. I personally can't master pillar number 2, qadr Allah, but the rest are all there. Positive stuff, maashaa Allah!

So, I'm taking time out for me, and it is very beneficial. I'm making time to do khayr and it's just the most wonderful happy feeling. I'm putting Allah first, so my attitude and emaan can remain more constant, and I'm chugging along like the little train that could. Alhamdulillahi Rabb il aal ameen!

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdik, laa illaaha illa Allah, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Charging Ahead

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I could start this post talking about all the things I haven't managed to do yet, but where is the positivity in that? So, I will tell you that I am charging ahead with the good deeds, with the gifts, with the sadaqah, with the determined efforts to do khayr and it is wonderful alhamdulillah! Whatever issues have arisen, Allah has given me great ease with maashaa Allah. My loneliness has been replaced by visits from sisters coming to bake, play games, and have lessons and having great conversations with my eldest daughter. My days have a good dose of "me" in them, full of positivity and progress with my PT exercises and hypopressives. I feel better, optimistic, hopeful maashaa Allah, wa alhamdulillah.

I'm charging ahead with the khayr: bringing smiles, bringing ease, meeting needs and wants bi idhn Illah ta'ala, and Allah is bringing me smiles, ease, and meeting my needs! 

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bi hamdihi, laa illaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Identifying My Mistake

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I kept replaying the sentence in my mind: "I feel that I am not a priority to those I make my priority." Then, as I was driving this morning it all came together clearly.  

I spent the day before telling a sister that she needed to take care of herself. That she would not be able to take care of her family if she wasn't maintaining herself. I even quoted the Qur'aan, where Allah says in Surat Tahreem to "save yourself and your family from the fire that is fueled by men and stones." He, subhaanahu wa ta'ala, tells us to save ourselves first and then our families. 

I have been taking steps to help myself, such as going to the doctor with a long list of years' long issues. I started physical therapy for 2 years of hip pain, 4 years of knee pain, and 19 years of carpal tunnel pain. How's that for not taking care of myself, just putting up with stress and pain? How's that for not honoring the body Allah blessed and entrusted me with, and yet running myself into the ground to try to take care of others? All these years of serving everyone else, of trying to please others at my own expense, of putting up with one niggling health issue after another, have turned my body into a tight, knotted up repository for stress and tension.

Yesterday, I enrolled in a program to fix another health condition that I've had for around 10 years, with the clear intention of taking care of my needs and addressing another stressor.  I'm taking time to do my PT exercises and stretches each day. I haven't been for my walks, still haven't done my daily time in the sunshine, but I'm still finding my way to taking the steps.

There has been a subtle change in my home since I started going for PT appointments and making time for my healing and wellbeing. Others have done more to help, alhamdulillah. They have perhaps seen me as an individual, rather than just a good old dependable part of the family. 

So then, what was my mistake?  I don't need to be a high priority to others, and I can still make others my priority. However, I need to be a top priority to myself.

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdihi, laa ilaaha illaa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Step after Step after Step

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, I haven't walked since the Taking the Steps post a few days ago, but Allah has sent me so much walhamdulillah!

Sunday's class was Step 2 in the 8 Steps to Happiness book and it said occupy yourself with beneficial activities and knowledge. Well teaching sisters how to bake bread and walking for my health and wellbeing are beneficial activities, alhamdulillah, and reading the book is beneficial knowledge. In any case, after disgraceful procrastination I read some Qur'aan after my adhkaar this morning. A step to happiness indeed!

A package arrived in the mail from my dear friend with a gift...of a lavender candle and SOCKS! Maashaa Allah, 5 pairs of adorable warm and woolly socks that just scream at me, "Go on, Mai, take those steps, go for those walks!" No coincidences here, Allah is clearly sending me messages of what I need and the equipment to do it. Subhaan Allahi wa bihamdihi, subhaan Allah il atheem!

I need to sit outside in the sunshine for 10-15 minutes each day. I will be working on that next, in conjunction with increasing my Qur'aan reading and recitation. Plans that aren't overwhelming and that I know will make me feel better bi idhn Illah ta'ala.

I'm prepping for Ramadhaan - going back to Shk Uthaymeen's Daily Sittings again this year and answering the daily Ramadhaan questions I did for my children years ago and posted on this blog inshaa Allah. 

Steps, and plans for steps - may Allah give me and all of us the success that lies with Him Alone - ameen.

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa illaaha illa Allah, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Taking the steps...

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I finally went for a walk this morning and immediately started pondering how I had shut myself off from so much over the past couple of years. I was thinking I'd walk down the long lane beside our land, but once I got to the gate, I realized that I had no reason to walk outside of our land, maashaa Allah. It was crazy. We have 51 acres of land that I could take a walk on, not having to bother about cars driving by or wearing proper hijab or being far away if I was needed back at the house, and this was the first time I'd done it. Subhaan Allah, every time I take a step, make an effort to do something, Allah blesses me with so much! 

I walked around and saw things around the farm, snow-capped mountains to the west, smokey low mountains to the north, indescribable clouds in rows with a rainbow sherbet sunrise making itself seen below them and thought about how much I was missing of all Allah has given me to appreciate and be in awe of. How will I appreciate more if I don't expose myself to it, if I don't take the step and open my eyes to it? 

I remembered how my walks alone helped me to work through things and give myself time to unearth all the deep-down thoughts and emotions that have been swept under the rug for years and need to be addressed. I thought of friendships that seemed so imbalanced that I could no longer sustain them and just thought to myself, "Let it go. Make du'a, love them from afar, and let.it.go." 

Allah is opening my mind to reason and letting reason govern my reactions and emotions. It's a process, but one that I can clearly implement and work through inshaa Allah. So many times I feel hurt by something that, if the situation was reversed, I would not consider it hurtful. That thought alone is freeing! Just looking at it from a different perspective changes the whole picture. In turn, it releases stress and unreasonable emotional expectations. If others are simply doing their thing, so can I. I just have to keep taking my own steps.

So, my advice of the day to anyone who needs it is to take your own steps to what will help you and let Allah leave you awestruck!

Subhaan Allahi wa bihamdihi, laa illaaha ilaa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Allah's Response to my Horrible Stuff

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, after actually writing about my feelings and reaching out to Allah for His Help, here is the series of events He sent me. 

From others:

My eldest daughter did some things to help me around the house and started talking to me, having conversations throughout the day, maashaa Allah.

My dear friend in Minnesota contacted me, making du'a and telling me she was sending me something she hoped would brighten my day. Allahumma Baarik alayhaa daa'iman wa jazaaha Allahu khayr!

Another sister who recently contacted me, contacted me again and made the most beautiful du'a for the resolution of my struggles - Allahumma Baarik alayhaa daa'iman wa jazaaha Allahu khayr!

In me:

I thought to myself, obedience to Allah increases emaan and I need to make the effort to change things, take steps towards others, do more of what I love (giving, helping, good deeds) in order to feel better and improve my situation. I am naturally an introvert, so reaching out to others isn't the easiest thing for me, but the first step is usually the hardest and, in this case, it just got easier and easier from there, alhamdulillah.

So, I contacted one sister and offered some ideas to relieve her pain. Then I offered up my Sunday morning to teach sisters in our community how to bake bread and resume our Sunday Islamic Studies classes. I found hard copies of the last book we studied and ordered the last 4 I could find to gift the sisters. I offered to gift copies of the book we were going to start to any sisters in our community who would like one.  I was feeling better already. I even cleaned up and tidied because the sisters were coming and then felt happier about the state of our home. 

The baking went beautifully, a new skill that will inshaa Allah benefit them and their families for generations to come! 

Now, about the class...

The book we started is 8 Steps to Happiness - Awakening the Inner Self in Pursuit of Personal Change by Shaykh Abu Abdu-r-Rahman Nasir as-Sa'di (may Allah shower His Mercy upon him). 

So, guess what Chapter One said? It said happiness comes from having emaan and yaqeen in Allah and doing good deeds! Allahu Akbar! You see the complete circle? I reached out and tried to do more good deeds to feel better, increase my emaan, and then Allah told me that was exactly what would bring me happiness! Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar, wa l'Illah il Hamd! Ooh, how I'm looking forward to next Sunday's class and teaching the sisters how to make sandwich bread, bi idhn Illah ta'ala!

One of the sisters brought me a gift, these adorable socks, Allahumma Baarik alayha wa jazaaha Allahu khayr! Inshaa Allah these socks are made for walking, and I'll get outside soon and just enjoy a walk on my own.

I started fasting on Monday and will continue for ayaam il abeedh through Thursday inshaa Allah...and I will patiently persevere taking my steps towards Allah so He, Al-Wadood, runs to me. 

Much, much, much love to you all!

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdihi, laa illaaha ilaa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Horrible Stuff

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, I lost myself again. Not the autopilot, disconnect I sometimes feel when I'm busy, but to a whole new level, wa audhu b'Illahi min ashaytaan irrajeem! 

I have been feeling lonely. I feel that nobody wants to know me, know how I feel, what I like, what I dislike, my struggles. I feel that everything is expected of me, and yet nobody sees that I am a human being with needs. I feel like everything falls on me. I have to make contact, reach out to others, make the effort, be proactive. I feel pressure upon me and despair under that pressure. 

Please take note that I keep saying, "I feel...". That means that there are people around me and in my life who love me, care about me as a person, and maybe even truly want to be part of my life and do things I enjoy. I just don't feel like there are. Astaghfirullah! I want to go for walks, I'm not going anywhere. I cannot even fathom how to get anyone to walk with me. Sad, but true, I feel like running away...to nowhere.  

Oh, I need to read my own blog! I need to not take it personally when other people's idea of love isn't the same as mine. I need to rationalize that people have their own lives and don't have time to focus on me or listen to me. I feel that I am not a priority to those I make my priority. Yes, I seriously need to read my own blog! But no man is an island and while I'm never alone with my Perfect and Precious Rabb to turn to, He Who knows me inside out, I feel lonely surrounded by family and friends. 

Anyone know this feeling? Well, I know I need to do things to set myself right. I just have to fight through to increase in my ibadah and turn to Allah. He is the one to set right my heart and mind, to set right my relationships. 

Inshaa Allah, I will post again with my progress on this. It's been going on for a long time, so when I find solutions, I'll share inshaa Allah. 

Much love!

Subhaan Allahi wa bihamdihi, laa illaaha ila Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

 

Forgiveness!

 As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh!

A dear sister just sent me a message, asking me to forgive her for a comment she made over 11 years ago. Oh, how I love this sister! Oh, how I feel that total connection to her! Why? Because I sit and mull over all sorts of things that I am sorry for, that I make istighfar for, and that I seek forgiveness for. I worry that I've hurt or upset people, I constantly fear that I didn't say or do the best thing. Needless to say, I apologize a lot and make istighfar a lot. 

I went through so much when I responded to her 11 years ago, trying to be thorough but not displeasing to Allah in my manners. And even now, looking back, I worry that I didn't respond in the best way. So, to this dear sister, and to every sister who has ever asked for my forgiveness, I ask you to forgive me.

We are all human, we are all imperfect, and subhaan Allah, we struggle through SO MANY TESTS every day! Forgive before anyone can even ask. Make istighfar and seek forgiveness to clear your heart and mind. Then just keep on trucking, doing what you can to please Allah.

I seriously need this blog. Life gets me busy, I let so much distract me, but Allah Knows I need to share my struggles and thoughts again. Inshaa Allah this is the push I needed.

Much love to you all.

Subhaan Allahi wa bi hamdihi, laa illaaha ila Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

A Rap Song I've been working on for around 14 years

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

Before you think I've fallen into sin, writing a rap song, check out the lyrics and the motivation. It's a work in progress, and any additions you may have are welcome!

I wear my pants, Baggy cut

Flashin' my drawers and half my butt

'Cause I'm a dumbo

Uh uh uh

I'm a dumbo

If I try to run around

My pants make a puddle on the ground

'Cause I'm a dumbo

Uh uh uh

I'm a dumbo

I wear my pants tight as can be

Crotch right down to my knees

'Cause I'm a dumbo

Uh uh uh

I'm a dumbo

I think I'm cool, super fly

Plumber's crack in your eye

'Cause I'm a dumbo

Uh uh uh

I'm a dumbo

Skinny jeans, muffin top

Look just like a cake pop

'Cause I'm a dumbo

Uh uh uh

I'm a dumbo

Shaved my eyebrows, drew a line

Look amazed all the time

'Cause I'm a dumbo

Uh uh uh

I'm a dumbo

It has the children cracking up, maashaa Allah. 

You see, I wanted to satirize pop culture fashion so the children could see the ridiculous side of it, not just think it was "cool." Just telling children that it isn't Islamic or something we shouldn't imitate may not change their viewpoint, but giving them a different perspective, something that will stick in their heads and make them laugh when they see an example of it, may well reach them more effectively.  As part of my mothering strategies I come up with a lot of nutty stuff to give a different view of what's considered "in, hip, cool, etc." and success is only with Allah, Who knows best.

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdik, laa illaaha illaa ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Letting Go

BismIllah wa assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

For most of my years as a Muslimah, I have asked Allah to use me to benefit others and be a positive influence. That is a big deal to me. However, there have been situations in my life where I have tried to help and failed, Qadru Allahi wa maa shaa faal. What I didn't pay enough attention to was the Qadru Allahi wa maa shaa faal part. I churned my failures over and over in my mind, feeling ill considering what I did wrongly or aspects I missed. I held myself accountable for my inability to solve, resolve, or alleviate others' problems.

Finally, alhamdulillah, I internalized the fact that the only way I have ever helped anyone was by Allah's Will; I understood that it was not in my control. Those situations I could not benefit were never within my ability to benefit. I, nonsensically, held myself accountable for something outside of my ability.

So, this is about letting go. Letting go of guilt and misery about what I cannot control. No more profuse apologies and sleepless nights, but rather, Qadru Allahi wa maa shaa faal. Better to hang on to those feelings of guilt and misery in regard to the things within my ability that I fall short in. Most surely, focusing on those can bring benefit and positivity to myself and those around me.

Subhaanak, Allahummah wa bihamdik, laa ilaaha ilaa ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Don't Turn Around

Bismillah wa assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Something happened in summer 2015 that changed my thinking and behavior, maashaa Allah. We were in England visiting my parents and my husband and I were walking out of a shopping center when we saw a tall man of likely African descent with a long, brightly colored gown and an 18-24" high, furry, black, beehive hat on his head. My first instinct was to turn around and take another look at his outfit. However, the most overwhelming clarity came over me, maashaa Allah, and I kept my eyes focused straight ahead. I realised that it did not concern me; there was no valid reason for me to look at that man again. I told my husband the thought process I'd just been through and felt like I had moved to a new level of understanding of the hadith on the authority of Abu Hurayrah (radhi Allahu anh) who said: The Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said:

"Part of the perfection of one's Islam is his leaving that which does not concern him."[Tirmidhi]

After that incident, not only did I find myself doing split second analyses of situations and stopping myself from many reactions that were not my concern, but I realised something else. If I had turned around, I'd have been no different from those people who turn back and stare at me and my daughters in our hijab and niqaab. So next time you pass someone dressed differently or unusual in some way, live the hadith and don't turn around.

Lessons from a bag of potatoes

Bismillah wa assalaamu alaykum.

The other day I took a bag of potatoes in order to prepare breakfast  and found that there was a bad potato that had made the potatoes near it start going bad. Yet again there was a powerful message from Allah in that bag of potatoes. One bad potato will eventually turn the whole bag bad.

Consider how Allah  tells us to only keep good companions and that we are on the Deen of our companions. He doesn't tell us to have mostly good companions and a few bad are okay. Neither does He say that if there are many good companions then it's okay to have just one bad one amongst them.

Now, obviously, we need to deal with the bad potato. We might cut off the bad part and use the remainder, but, most surely, we separate it from the good potatoes. This is much like life, where we do our best to handle bad people well and bring out the good, but do damage control and keep our distance.

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdik, laa illaaha illaa ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.