Choosing a Spouse - #1 on my NEVER EVER List

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

This is a rule for sisters, which means it's very important for brothers to think about. 

Never marry someone whose level of Islam is lower than yours. If their understanding and knowledge is equal to or better than yours then you will have the respect for them and the confidence to obey them and trust them to, bi idhn Illah ta'ala, lead you and your family in righteousness. 

When I say their understanding and knowledge, I mean that not only should they have sound aqeedah, fiqh, and a good grasp of the teachings of the Quraan and ahadith, but that you should clearly see that reflected in their appearance, behavior, and manners. There should be a history of seeking knowledge that is ongoing. There should be clear prioritization of  Quraan - memorization, tafseer, implementation - as it is the user manual for mankind. Don't accept wishy washy answers, you want clear evidence that they are pursuing 'ilm (beneficial Islamic knowledge) and that it is a lifelong commitment. 

The consequences of accepting a husband with lesser knowledge than you will result in you not being able to trust them to make decisions and establish things in your lives that are correct or pleasing to Allah. He may not care about you wearing correct hijab, mixing of men and women, lowering the gaze, watching movies, prioritizing Islamic education over secular, etc. Simply put, his priorities will not align with Islamic teachings. If the gap in understanding and/or practice is notable, you could be accepting someone who will lead you straight to jahannam! May Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'ala, protect all His sincere believers from such a fate - ameen!

Believe me, you do not want a husband who is relaxed in their deen. You do not want a husband who will let sins slide for the sake of worldly gain, pleasures, or entertainment. You do not want a husband who is weak, undisciplined, struggling with self control and will power. 

Of course, he will have shortcomings, make mistakes, and have failings but his foundation must be firm, strong, and established in order to save himself and his family from the fire. That is a man you will respect and love, in shaa Allah.

Subhaanak, Allahumma wa bihamdik, laa ilaaha ilaa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

The DANGER in disappointment

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

Subhaan Allah, I have had to correct my thinking and turn my focus around, back to myself and away from what is in front of me. 

I see so much that disappoints me, but am I in a position to be disappointed in others? Subhaan Allah, I am a disappointment to myself every day! I realize that I am disappointed in being exposed to Allah's Qadr! 

What I see, I'm meant to see. Who I am with, where I go, what I experience is all meant for me. So how can I be disappointed? After all, if what other people do isn't pleasing to Allah it isn't my standards they are not meeting, it's Allah subhaanahu wa ta'ala's. They are in my life, in my view, part of an experience that I am meant to witness Qadr Allahu wa maa shaa fa'al. 

What I need to do is benefit from it all. I need to make du'a that Allah doesn't test me with the same deficiencies and that He forgives others and removes those deficiencies from them. I need to have taqwa and turn away from the makrooh and haram. I need to exercise wisdom and manners in handling situations, whether in giving dawah or forbidding a wrong or teaching what is correct. I need to use the examples to motivate and push me to better behavior because they are warnings, they are vicarious lessons, they are blessed motivators.

I love the statement: If it doesn't move me closer to Allah, I don't want it. However, I had to follow that up with: It's up to me to make everything move me closer to Allah. It's up to me to say alhamdulillah and see the benefit and blessing in those things that will move me closer to Allah.

Subhaanak, Allahumma wa bihamdik, laa illaaha ilaa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

A Gift for my Sisters...A Wake Up Call

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I was blessed to take a course called the Sakina Wife. It was the refresh and recharge I needed alhamdulillah. It changed me, improved aspects of my behavior, my understanding, and my deen. It proved to be the cherry on top of my marriage wa Allahu Akbar wa l'Illah il Hamd! Truly Allah subhaanahu wa ta'ala gives you what you need exactly when you need it. May Allah reward those who provide the course and the additional ones that build upon it - ameen.

We were gifted this book with the permission to share it when we completed the course. While the course goes into depths, this book addresses mistakes we make that truly sabotage ourselves, our deen, and our marriages. Whether you are married or not, this is a truly valuable read. 

https://www.scribd.com/document/1017865283/Full-Stop-New-Line-1

May Allah bless us all with success in our marriages and may we all be blessed with entry into Jennah though any gate we choose - ameen.

Mend your Clothing, Fix your Car...Points to reflect upon in Marriage and Polygyny

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

This thought has been so strong and predominant in my thoughts lately that I just have to write about it, if only to release it from my mind! It's just a little exercise of connecting the dots and setting priorities that might resonate with someone and bring about some beautiful benefit bi idhn Illah ta'ala.

What did the sahaabah do regarding their garments? They made dua of gratitude to Allah for clothing them, acknowledging that they had no power to do so and it was only Allah's blessing upon them. What about when their clothes were worn and had holes? They mended them. They didn't buy another one or throw it away, they fixed what they had. There is even a dua to be said upon wearing new clothes asking Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'ala to replace it when it is worn out. So it was received and worn with gratitude, used, cared for, and mended until it was worn out. Maximum benefit from the garments Allah blessed them with. 

In marriage, we are told in the Quraan that the husband and wife are garments for each other. So what would be fitting to do with the garments? First, be grateful for what you have been blessed with in your spouse. Take good care of your marriage, mend it when it has deficiencies, beautify it, and work on it to the end of your life.

Another analogy is that marriage is like a car. It is, actually, because it is quite literally a vehicle to get you to Jennah, in shaa Allah. If you are happy with the car, find it reliable and it has served you well, what happens when it needs some maintenance, maybe things need to be fixed. Do you leave it in that state and go buy another car...or do you do the maintenance, make an effort to fix it? A neglected car will eventually fall into ruin...in marriage terms, misery, separation, or divorce.

Sometimes a reason that divorce or polygyny is sought is because there are deficiencies in the existing marriage. Spouses don't communicate what they are missing, what they need or yearn for in the relationship. Before you give up and/or move on to another marriage, it is important to examine what you have. Allah says in Surah Ibrahim, ayah 7. 

وَإِذْ تَأَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمْ لَئِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ ۖ وَلَئِن كَفَرْتُمْ إِنَّ عَذَابِى لَشَدِيدٌۭ ٧

And ˹remember˺ when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will certainly give you more. But if you are ungrateful, surely My punishment is severe.’”

So be grateful for the family you have, work on the deficiencies, fix your vehicle - or at least try to - before looking for another. 

Moving on to another marriage (polygyny) when the existing one has problems is often the cause of resentment and heartbreak because instead of fixing what you have, you focus on investing in someone else...an unknown entity. Do your part and Allah promises to give you more. 

Subhaanak Allahumma laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

A polygyny post...after many years

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I will start by saying that this is not an anti-polygyny post. Neither is it to put people off polygyny. Rather is it a reality check.

When brothers say they want to show polygyny done properly/well/successfully there is very great danger in those words. Of course, most brothers will say in shaa Allah, but still they are basically saying that they are confident they can do it well. However, they have no idea if they can! For those who have not yet experienced polygyny, everything they plan or imagine is theory, not practice or reality.

There is a danger of arrogance that they think so confidently of themselves when success lies only with Allah. Nobody knows what Allah will test them with, but they are assured that they will be tested with their wealth, their families, their livelihood, their health, etc. This is not exclusive to those whose intention is not Islamically ideal or who go about it in the wrong way. We have endless examples of situations and tests from the early Prophets - alayhim salaat wa salaam - all the way to Prophet Muhammad - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam. We have examples from our scholars and from everyday life! And yet, even brothers who had failed attempts at marriage, particularly plural marriage, often say they will "get it right the next time." 

Subhaan Allah, the selection process is so very critical because they cannot know the heart and mind of the person they marry. They cannot know the reality of the future or how life will be with them until they experience it. All the theory in the world doesn't weigh an ounce compared to real life experience. Perhaps for this reason so many of them fail. The brothers are so sure they have what it takes and Allah shows them His Haqq. 

A huge factor in this subject is what I will call the major mismatch. There is a disparity between the type of women who actually want polygyny and the type of women men seeking polygyny want. The sisters who genuinely seek polygyny are usually those who are divorced or widowed, often with children, and unmarried sisters that are older. They need/want the support of a good husband and are not trying to compete or break up an existing family. Often they are considerate of the existing wife and family and will benefit them all. 

However, the young, single sisters who agree to polygyny very often have ulterior motives and/or confidence issues. They thrive on the idea that they are better than the existing wife, whether it be younger, thinner, more attractive, or whatever other insecurities they need to feed. Another case is when the younger sisters cannot find suitable single men to marry and settle for polygyny. This results in them feeling dissatisfied with sharing and often leads to them wanting him to divorce the existing wife or any imaginable type of fitnah around their dissatisfaction. 

You may ask, how can you say such things Mai? How do you know and how can you judge?

Because I've experienced it personally on a few occasions and seen it on many other occasions. I am not judging; often sisters don't even realize they have these underlying issues and they only surface when they live reality of polygyny. There are always exceptions and may Allah bless all my sisters with what they need. I'm simply sharing thoughts based on years of experience and observations.

Obviously, cultural aspects can play a large part in this and in certain countries and cultures it is normal for young girls to enter into polygyny without such issues. This is often because there is not a strong emotional and communicative relationship in those marriages and the women have a more subservient role, and Allah knows best. I am referring mainly to Western culture, although I have seen this to be rife in Arab culture as well.

So, after all this is taken into consideration and due diligence is done regarding a suitable spouse, pray istikhaara. It it comes back positive and you go ahead and enter into polygyny, just be prepared for tests and if it results in fitnah or divorce, simply accept that Allah led you to it and that test was meant for you.

May all of the Muslims to be rightly guided, have righteous intentions, and succeed in reaching the ultimate goal of Jennah - ameen!

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha ilaa ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

My Quran and shaytaan = test anxiety

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

For almost a year now, I have been taking Quran classes twice a week alhamdulillah! I regained my hifdh of around 3.5 ajzaa and am memorizing more, working on my tajweed and ridding myself of all the bad habits I've acquired over the 12 years since I was attending in-person classes while living in Madinah.

So, imagine my feeling when I have Quran tests and shaytaan works every angle to sabotage me. I have test anxiety; I cannot stop my nerves from wreaking havoc with my mind. I do everything I can think of, from isti'aadhah to istighfar to du'a to using a siwak, to reciting over and over again. Subhaan Allah, I come to the test knowing all my suwar and yet, even when I close my eyes and visualize the page of the mushaf in front of me, my mouth says something else. 

Subhaan Allah! shaytaan wants me to feel inadequate. shaytaan wants me to feel upset, defeated, like giving up. shaytaan wants me to admit he has power over me. So, what do I do? 

I have sabr. I persevere. I intensify my studies and do even more! Every time he pushes me to mess up a test, I am driven to spend even more time with the Quran, even more time reciting and reading. In this way, it contradicts his plan. Eventually, he will leave me alone in this and move on to some other plots. Perseverance in the path of Allah never fails. 

May Allah make us all successful and ever increase our love, connection, knowledge, memorization, reading, recitation, and implementation of His miraculous book - ameen!