Answering a question my daughter posed about divorce...

 After explaining the last post about whether you can succeed in a marriage without love and trust, my daughter posed a question. She asked, "So, what would you consider to be a sign that you should get a divorce?" Here's my response.

I would know I had to seek a divorce if my spouse was actively trying to sabotage my success with Allah, azza wa jal. If I was doing everything in my power to please Allah, following everything that I outlined in my last post, and yet they were proving to be my enemy, and therefore, and enemy to Islam, that would be my sign. 

The other sign would be some clear indication from Allah following a prayer of istikhara or perhaps during tahajjud, where He, subhaanahu wa ta'ala, placed a clear thought or understanding in my mind and heart that it was time to move on. 

The thing that I stressed to her, and this is the most important aspect, is that IF Allah decrees for me to be divorced and I have been a faithful servant and wife, then Allah is providing a new beginning for me with sustenance and security. I am not stepping into an abyss, I am stepping on solid ground with Allah as my Mawlaa wa alhamdullillahi Rabb il aal ameen!

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha ila ant, astaghfirullah wa atoobu ilayk.

My Remedy for Stinking Thinking

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I go through thoughts of not wanting to do things. I actually blow it up in my mind, making the task, action, or responsibility bad, awful even. But then, I understand that the attitude is being fueled by shaytaan. He doesn't want me to succeed. He wants to corrupt my thinking and sabotage my rewards.

So, action number one is to say the isti'aadhah (seek refuge with Allah from shaytaan, the accursed).

Action number two is to say the du'a, 

يَا حَيُّ يَا قَيُّومُ بِرَحْمَتِكَ أَسْتَغِيثُ أَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ وَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

(O Ever-Living, O Eternal One, by Your mercy I seek help; rectify all my affairs and do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for the blink of an eye).

Action number three, I ask myself this question regarding the thing I'm having negative thoughts about:

"Will I go to Jennah?"

Subhaan Allah, how that question puts everything into perspective! Subhaan Allah! 

Now, you might be thinking, how can you ask that question? You can't answer it; only Allah can. Well, here's where I explain.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “If a woman prays her five prayers, fasts her month of Ramadan, guards her chastity, and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from any gate she wishes.”

Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Ibn Ḥibbān 4163

Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Arna’ut

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ إِذَا صَلَّتِ الْمَرْأَةُ خُمُسَهَا وَصَامَتْ شَهْرَهَا وَحَصَّنَتْ فَرْجَهَا وَأَطَاعَتْ بَعْلَهَا دَخَلَتْ مِنْ أَيِّ أَبْوَابِ الْجَنَّةِ شَاءَتْ

4163 صحيح ابن حبان

9/471 المحدث شعيب الأرناؤوط خلاصة حكم المحدث صحيح في تخريج صحيح ابن حبان

In addition, take any hadith you choose regarding fulfilling your amana (trust) with Allah, taking care of your flock, the good deed erasing the bad deed, the rewards for the good deeds, and that everything we do with sincerity and the right attitude that is pleasing to Allah is aiding our Jennah account. 

Now can you see how easy it is to ask myself that question? That simple little question puts everything back into perspective and I can see that a small, simple, perhaps even insignificant thing can move me a step closer to that ultimate goal. It even makes me assess whether the things I might miss in life and relationships are really important in the scheme of things. It opens my mind to how those things are blessings, things that I can be grateful for because they increase my tawakkal, my du'a, my love of Allah, and my turning to Him for everything.

I have even asked my husband on occasion, "Will I go to Jennah?" and he looks at me quizzically. Then I quote that hadith and say that I'm doing my faraa'id so is he pleased with me? Subhaan Allah, it is a motivation to meet and exceed! What seemed mundane and tiresome when looking through shaytaan-stained glasses becomes a bargain not to be missed! Allahu Akbar wa l'Illah il hamd! 

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 

A Rap Song I've been working on for around 14 years

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

Before you think I've fallen into sin, writing a rap song, check out the lyrics and the motivation. It's a work in progress, and any additions you may have are welcome!

I wear my pants, Baggy cut

Flashin' my drawers and half my butt

'Cause I'm a dumbo

Uh uh uh

I'm a dumbo

If I try to run around

My pants make a puddle on the ground

'Cause I'm a dumbo

Uh uh uh

I'm a dumbo

I wear my pants tight as can be

Crotch right down to my knees

'Cause I'm a dumbo

Uh uh uh

I'm a dumbo

I think I'm cool, super fly

Plumber's crack in your eye

'Cause I'm a dumbo

Uh uh uh

I'm a dumbo

Skinny jeans, muffin top

Look just like a cake pop

'Cause I'm a dumbo

Uh uh uh

I'm a dumbo

Shaved my eyebrows, drew a line

Look amazed all the time

'Cause I'm a dumbo

Uh uh uh

I'm a dumbo

It has the children cracking up, maashaa Allah. 

You see, I wanted to satirize pop culture fashion so the children could see the ridiculous side of it, not just think it was "cool." Just telling children that it isn't Islamic or something we shouldn't imitate may not change their viewpoint, but giving them a different perspective, something that will stick in their heads and make them laugh when they see an example of it, may well reach them more effectively.  As part of my mothering strategies I come up with a lot of nutty stuff to give a different view of what's considered "in, hip, cool, etc." and success is only with Allah, Who knows best.

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdik, laa illaaha illaa ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Micromanagement

Bismillah wa assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

As parents, spouses,  friends, managers, and employees we often find ourselves trying to micromanage situations. We see a potential opportunity or problem and try to set up a whole scenario or sequence of events to make it work or avoid it. We see weaknesses and try to troubleshoot and scaffold until they are overcome, or at least not causing serious harm. We try to establish road blocks to disobedience to Allah and open pathways to all that is halal and tayyibaat.

But, although this is simply tying our camel , like Yusuf (alayhi salaam's) father in Surah Yusuf, there is a basic truth in his words that sums it up.

Ayah 67. And he said: "O my sons! Do not enter by one gate, but enter by different gates, and I cannot avail you against Allah at all. Verily! The decision rests only with Allah. In him, I put my trust and let all those that trust, put their trust in Him."

 We cannot micromanage Allah's Qadr. When all our efforts are turned upside down, we need to stop trying to do what, in reality, is out of our ability and control, and leave it to Allah with complete calm and trust. He is perfect, we are not. His Plan is infallible, whereas He shows us that clearly our's are not. He knows each of His creation, the path they will travel, and their ultimate end.

We cannot micromanage aqeedah,  emaan, taqwa, or tawwakal. We cannot micromanage a mind or a heart. How many have persisted on major sins before coming to obedience? How many have wallowed in kufr before coming to correct aqeedah? If a person is destined to obedience we cannot ruin that and if a person is destined to disobedience, we cannot save them.

So we do what we can to enjoin the good and forbid the wrong, but when Allah steers a situation away from our righteous goals, trust in it. He is the only One Who really micromanages anything; we need to know that and trust in His perfection.

Subhaanak Allahummah wa bihamdik, laa ilaaha ilaa ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

The Internet Talks - Part 2: Medicating and Curing

A man once asked Abû Hurayrah – Allâh be pleased with him, ‘What is al-taqwâ?” He replied, “Have you ever taken a path filled with thorns?” The man replied, “I have.” Abû Hurayrah asked him, “What did you do?” He replied, “When I saw a thorn I would dodge it or pass over it or behind it.” Abû Hurayrah said, “That is al-taqwâ.”

Al-Baihaqî, Al-Zuhd Al-Kabîr p351.

Bismillah wa assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

The key to resolving the problems associated with Internet use are to view going online just like a path filled with thorns - each and every thorn a tool of shaytaan to pierce our obedience to Allah.  Allah has presented us with the Internet as a huge test of discipline and taqwa. The Internet can be an excellent means for His pleasure and drawing closer to Him, when used within very specific limitations and intentions. Allah is watching you. There is no click on a site or surfing the web that isn't recorded, so if it isn't for benefit and some form of worship of Allah, then where is it going - the right-hand book (illiyyeen) or the left-hand book (sijjeen)?


Introspection about what occupies our heart is a good place to start, followed by a practical plan to develop and increase our love of Allah. When we fill our time with beneficial things, we crowd out the time that can be spent on non-beneficial things. Will we ever want to displease or disobey Allah when we think of the fact that He gives us EVERYTHING and exceeds every expectation, hope, desire, wish, and dream we could ever aspire to?
 
Here are some things to consider, or even to put on a bold screensaver or daily reminder, to remind and warn yourself before going on the internet, opening social network sites, etc.

Remember that everything we say on the internet represents Islam. Are we representing it truthfully, or lying about it? 

For example, we cannot "like", watch, or post a music video without pleasing shaytaan and spreading his evil call to following desires. Furthermore, unless we clearly state that we are sinning in doing so and that music is haraam, we have done one of two things (maybe more, but this is what I can think of):

• shown the understanding Muslims that we are openly following our desires
• presented a lie to uneducated Muslims and non-Muslims about Islam, as they will understand that it is an accepted and permissible thing.

If we wouldn't say it or reveal it to someone in person, we shouldn't reveal it on the net - it's still impermissible. 

For example,  describing our physical attributes, our talents, our preferences. If we wouldn't stand in front of a stranger and tell them such things with a clear conscience, then they should not be anywhere on the Internet either. Are we comfortable and happy to read whatever we post, comment on, or surf, out loud to our spouse, children, parents, and friends?

Before you "like" something, check if Allah and His Messenger - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would like it too.

This may seem simple, but actually we may have to research to find out whether it is permissible to "like" or post a certain statement or philosophy. We could post something that has elements of kufr, shirk, or is agreeing with something prohibited in our perfect deen.

*******

Here are some practical measures to troubleshoot Internet dangers for ourselves and those under our authority (children, wives, etc.).

1. Turn our screen, so what we are doing is visible to anyone and everyone around.
2. Project our screen on the wall, so it's larger than life and public property.
3. Make sure we are never alone with unmonitored computer/internet access.
4. Put programs on our computer to record our internet activity and have someone else review where we've been and how long we spent on it.
5. Set access times so we cannot go on at certain times.
6. Keep an Internet journal to  note down each time we use it, the intended benefit before using it  and whether we deviated from that. This is so tedious that it should really deter us from using the Internet unless absolutely necessary!  
7. Be transparent about what we type, like, or post. Never type anything our husband would not fully approve of. (My husband reads all my posts on these blogs, and if I comment on someone's blog I let him know.)
8. Have our grown son or daughter read our comment, post, or blog first.
9. Read it out loud to our children of all ages.

The android phone can also accept Internet filtering and restriction programs, and the last three on the list are a good way to troubleshoot Internet use on your phone. After facing the fact that such convenient Internet access is more fitnah than they can cope with, there are some of us who are opting for a return to flip phones for the safety of our aakhirah and our health.

This is probably one of the biggest challenges we will face in our lifetimes: conquering our desires and weaknesses when it comes to the Internet. With Ramadhaan approaching, we need to do everything we can to implement effective remedies and corrections so our fasting will not be tainted, devalued, or ruined by our Internet use. May Allah purify our intentions, fortify our resolve, and give us success in achieving His lasting pleasure - ameen!

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdik laa illaha ila ant, wa astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

The Roadmap to Smiles

Bism Illah wa assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Ever try to please someone, seeking their smile? You do something you think they will like so they will be pleased with you and you can enjoy seeing their pleasure. Well, just have a quick look at the map and make sure you are taking the right route to their pleasure. You see, sometimes when you want to see appreciation in the form of thanks, smiles, or even gifts, you might compliment, joke, play a trick, or do an act of compliance for the sole purpose of pleasing specific people.

"Your wealth and your children are only a trial, whereas Allah, with Him is a great reward." At-Taghaabun 15

This is a subject that needs to be clarified to children, as they might mistakenly try different things to please parents, but remain disobedient to them, and consequently Allah. I was once told that someone wanted to please me and was doing a certain action to gain my approval. I had to say that what will please me and gain my approval was them pleasing Allah. Pleasing Allah entails obedience to parents, and obedience to parents is obedience to Allah, so whichever way they approach it they will succeed. However, they said that they can't see Allah's pleasure.

I realized, then, that not just children, but many adults just don't feel motivated or satisfied with the concept of obeying and pleasing Allah. They are seeking instant, visible or tactile gratification. They cannot make the connection that all the goodness and blessing that comes to them is from Allah; that it comes from obedience to their Creator.

However, Who gives His Creation the ability and inspiration to smile and give instant, visible, or tactile gratification to others? Who puts in the nature of His believers love and appreciation for the good? Who decrees whether and what you will receive? Know that there is no goodness that comes to you, except by Allah's Will. If you want goodness, smiles, beautiful relationships, love, then go to the One Who can make that happen and give them to you - check your map and set your route to Allah.

"Is there any reward for good other than good?" Ar-Rahman 60

Seek Allah's pleasure through obedience to Him and acts loved by Him; Allah will send you rewards far beyond thanks and a smile. He will send you thanks and smiles from His creation far more heartfelt and plentiful than those you seek, and you will have other blessings in this life, as well as a reward set aside for your aakhirah.

"For those who have done good is the best (reward) and even more..." Yunus 10 

So rather than focusing on pleasing your parents, children, husband, wife, relatives, and friends, focus on obeying and pleasing Allah and see what Allah sends you through it. There is no shaky ground in this, it is a guarantee from your Creator that He will reward your obedience with good.
 "If you lend to Allah a goodly loan He will double it for you, and Allah is most ready to appreciate and to reward, Most Forebearing" At Taghaabun 17

Du'a for Righteousness/Piety

Bismillah wa assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Allah gives us a du'a in the Qur'aan for righteous offspring (children). It is in Surat ul Ahqaaf, ayah 15 and it is this:

《 و اصلح لي في ذريتي إنى تبت إليك و إنى من المسلمين》

"And make my offspring righteous/pious, truly I have turned to You in repentance and truly I am one of the Muslims."

I have added to this for a few years now and ask each day for Allah to make not only my offspring righteous,  but also my husband - زوجي, my family - أسرتي,  my friends - صديقاتي, my heart - قلبي, my manners - أخلاقي, my niyyah - نيتي, my wealth - مالي, our hearts - قلوبنا, our wealth - مالنا, and our land - ارضنا. It is a beautiful du'a, from the perfect words of our Creator, alhamdulillah!

Little thoughts are not aways small...

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh!

Shall I apologize again for not blogging in so long? Well, it is certainly not for lack of things to share with you, but I haven't had the time or computer access to type, Qadr Allah. It is disastrous in some ways because I also haven't written my ideas down in my pink journal, which means they get lost among the daily studies, teaching, mothering, wifing, cooking, and housework. Al hamdul'Illah, I say! Why, you ask? Because what will reach you, will reach you bi idhn Illah, ta'ala. And what will reach you will benefit you at the best time and be written at the best time, bi idhn Illah, ta'ala.

So, before I plunge back into "blogland" with more chunky subjects, I will share some of my little passing thoughts with you.You may find value in them, perhaps even more than in a lengthier writing on the subject.

• Parenting is an incredibly testing job, but as long as you know that you gave the right information and modeled the Qur'aan and the Sunnah, then inshaa Allah, you will have earned  your paycheck, even if mistakes were made.
  
• Beware of hypocrisy, that misalignment between what you believe or stand against and what you do. It can be the most impervious of things, like taking the scholars' ruling that photographs of things with souls for non-essential reasons are impermissible, but clicking "like" for people's photos or even commenting on them. 
  
• When you see someone dear to you showing some weakness in their religion, reach out and draw them closer to  you, so they can draw from your strength, obedience, and love of Allah.
  
• When we are presented with choices to make throughout our day, almost always there will be a choice more pleasing to Allah. Give your best, Allah will take care of the rest!
  
• How can we hold other people to account for not making us a priority in their lives, when we don't make Allah a priority in ours?
  
• A deed is accepted by Allah only if done with ikhlaas (sincerity) and conforming to the Qur'aan and the Sunnah. Are your deeds counting for you?
  
• Dua' is the the most powerful ally of the believer, but it can become impotent if you persist on your sins.
  
• If you ask Allah to show you His Haqq, then make sure when you see it you accept it, gratefully.
  
• Keep it simple. Being in this world as if you are a traveler doesn't cost hundreds of thousands of dollars in houses, furniture, cars, electronics, clothing, or vacations.

Hmmm, I wonder which of these you will like the best? Barak Allahu feekum!

I'm here because...

Bism Illah wa assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Why do I keep typing on this blog? If just for myself, an outlet for my own ideas and struggles, then a journal would do the trick. So why share all this with you? As I told my children, if I were to die tomorrow, every piece of advice, every example, every bit of practical guidance I could leave them with is right here. Words and sincere advice from the depths of my heart that will always be here for them to refer to throughout the various stages and events of their lives. It is here for them, and for every one of you who read it and find benefit, because

I love you.

Exposure

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Exposure is a POWERFUL thing. It can cause dissatisfaction, greed, misery, materialism, divorce, corruption, and great haraam. However, handled with care and forethought, exposure is the key to positive outcomes, halal pursuits, and pleasure in the most simple things.

Part of the reason children like the things they do is simply due to exposure. If they are exposed to TV, music, video games, amusement parks, and shopping as forms of recreation, then they will be the things they choose from, along with the things they have seen through those media. You will find them constantly wanting the things they have seen advertised or in the shop windows. You will find them often inactive and considering Wii a viable form of sports.Rather than sit and talk face to face, they will communicate via the latest app, be it Whatsapp, Instagram or the ever present Facebook. Bad exposure results in parents hearing those awful words from their children, "I'm bored. There's nothing to do," because they always require entertainment from an external source.

However, when you expose your children to nature, playing in the park, making things out of mud, cooking, crafts, knitting, sewing, building things, growing things, physical activities and games, pretend role playing, and reading to learn about real people, places, and situations, you will find them choosing from those things as forms of recreation.The larger their repertoire of skills, abilities, intellectual and physical outlets, the more healthy, balanced, and competent they will be. Good exposure results in parents finding that their children are never bored; rather they don't have time to do all the different things they'd like to do.

When we were preparing for a trip to Makkah to meet up with my oldest friend and her family, my 7 and 10 year old daughters got out their knitting book and knitted a handbag and a phone cover for her youngest daughter - my namesake - Mai. They also knitted a purse for her older sister. We made them gifts of homemade coco-mint lip balm and honey and orange body bars. I baked them brownies. They don't think about having money to buy gifts for others, they think about what they can make - a gift made with love and thought and real effort on their part, maashaa Allah.

Exposure is something that can be done on a larger scale when socializing with other families, too. We went to the park and had knitting lessons. We had a monthly girls gathering where we cooked something healthy and delicious. We crafted rag rugs. We had theme nights where everyone dressed "prairie" and we cooked prairie food and learned about life back then for the pioneers.

I talk about my eating philosophy with friends and acquaintances, but it is never simply that. I feed them. I show them that you can eat halaal, tayyibaat, truly healthy and nutritious food that tastes wonderful, without compromise. I expose them to foods that are simple to make, so if they say they love them, I can give them the recipe and they can make it themselves easily with few ingredients.

Exposure is also da'wah. In sharing my thoughts and struggles publicly, I expose others to a positive approach to life's tests. I can expose them to better knowledge and understanding of Allah and His Perfection,  and how that can be applied in real-life situations, bi idhn Illah ta'ala.

So, consider the power of exposure, and seek not only to expose others to good and positive things, but also to ensure that you are being exposed to beneficial things... for this life and your ultimate success in the aakhirah inshaa Allah.

Parenting Posts

Bism Illah wa assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I have always posted my writing on parenting here, but in an effort to restructure and keep things relevant, I will be posting them on the Healing Earth blog from now on inshaa Allah. Raising our children is a key element in healing them, ourselves, and the earth. We must teach and model for our children how to heal themselves - which is only possible and successful through Allah, subhaana wa ta'ala, and His clear Guidance.

Therefore, the latest posts can be found over on Healing Earth blog, specifically:
Homeschooling and The Parenting "Nothing," and Some Healing Strategies for Children, bi'idhn Illah ta'ala.

Theme Ayah and Ayah of the Moment

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

You know how some shows and people have a theme song and how the words of a song might pop up in their minds when triggered by something? Well, audhu b'Illahi min dhaalik (I seek refuge with Allah from that)! However, I usually have a theme ayah or an ayah from the Qur'aan that fits the occasion. It stays with me and plays itself over and over in my mind and on my lips, maashaa Allah. These ayaat have different purposes at different times in my life. Sometimes they are a reflection of what is going on around me. Sometimes they are pure medicine for me. This is just one way that the Qur'aan is a part of my life and I make it a part of others' lives.

Some examples of this are:

- When I hear foolish, vain, or unpleasant speech, I recite ayah 35 from Surat an Naba:

لَّا يَسْمَعُونَ فِيهَا لَغْوًا وَلَا كِذَّابًا {35}

which reminds me that in Jennah we will not hear such things...and hopefully reminds those around me that such speech is not pleasing to Allah.

- When I hear someone reciting the Qur'aan very quickly, without care or in an attempt to just "get through it,"  I recite ayah 16 from Surat al Qiyamah:

 لَا تُحَرِّكْ بِهِ لِسَانَكَ لِتَعْجَلَ بِهِ {16}

 - When we discuss hypocrisy and insincerity, I recite ayaat 10-12 of Surat al-Qiyamah:

يَقُولُ الْإِنسَانُ يَوْمَئِذٍ أَيْنَ الْمَفَرُّ {10}كَلَّا لَا وَزَرَ {11} إِلَى رَبِّكَ يَوْمَئِذٍ الْمُسْتَقَرُّ {12}

- When I witness bad behavior, I simply recite ayah 38 from Surat al Muddathir: 

كُلُّ نَفْسٍ بِمَا كَسَبَتْ رَهِينَةٌ {38}

- When my patience is tested, I recite ayah 12 from Surat al Insan:

وَجَزَاهُم بِمَا صَبَرُوا جَنَّةً وَحَرِيرًا {12}

And as for a theme ayah, well this past month my heart and mind have been preoccupied with major issues that a sister who has a large piece of my heart is facing. All that I could keep reciting is ayah 3 from Surat At-Talaaq:

وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بَالِغُ أَمْرِهِ قَدْ جَعَلَ اللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدْرًا {3}

I recited it during my Umrah and it has been my theme ayah ever since. In fact, I recite it so much and it is such a visible medicine to me, that my daughters are now on the bandwagon reciting it around the house as well, maashaa Allah. 

And you know what? It enables me to cope with life with constant remembrance of Allah and models to my children how they can do so as well.  It feels great to make these connections, in my life and that of my children. It feels greatest to respond with Allah's perfect words, rather than my own. Al hamdul'Illahi Rabbil aal ameen!