Answering a question my daughter posed about divorce...

 After explaining the last post about whether you can succeed in a marriage without love and trust, my daughter posed a question. She asked, "So, what would you consider to be a sign that you should get a divorce?" Here's my response.

I would know I had to seek a divorce if my spouse was actively trying to sabotage my success with Allah, azza wa jal. If I was doing everything in my power to please Allah, following everything that I outlined in my last post, and yet they were proving to be my enemy, and therefore, and enemy to Islam, that would be my sign. 

The other sign would be some clear indication from Allah following a prayer of istikhara or perhaps during tahajjud, where He, subhaanahu wa ta'ala, placed a clear thought or understanding in my mind and heart that it was time to move on. 

The thing that I stressed to her, and this is the most important aspect, is that IF Allah decrees for me to be divorced and I have been a faithful servant and wife, then Allah is providing a new beginning for me with sustenance and security. I am not stepping into an abyss, I am stepping on solid ground with Allah as my Mawlaa wa alhamdullillahi Rabb il aal ameen!

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha ila ant, astaghfirullah wa atoobu ilayk.

Can you Succeed in a Marriage without Love and Trust?

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

In a world without the Islamic viewpoint, a marriage that doesn't have love or trust between the spouses is on the road to discord, misery, and divorce. Why? Because love and trust are considered the foundations of the union. They must love each other deeply and manifest that love in their words and actions. They must be loyal to each other, faithful and honest. So, what happens when these things are missing? There is no foundation and the whole thing crumbles.

In a marriage based on Islam, one can find themselves disillusioned with their partner, unable to trust them, even mentally and emotionally abused by them, which kills whatever love and trust they had. So how can they stay in the marriage, and why? Because from an Islamic viewpoint, marriage is a means to an end. It is half of your deen. We are not told that marriage is a love story or a test of trust between the spouses as such. We are, however, told that the marriage must have love and trust. 

The mistake we make is thinking that the love and trust have to be for our spouse.  No. The love and trust must be for Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'ala! When you love and trust in Allah, you know what He decreed for you is best. You know that if you do what He commands you to do, you will succeed. You know that in fulfilling others' rights, in meeting your Allah-given responsibilities, in living your Islam and doing all you can from what Allah, azza wa jal, is pleased with and loves, you are on His Siraat al Mustaqeem. When you focus on all that, you will find that you can more easily avoid sins because you are working towards your goal, not sabotaging it. 

I don't often quote any songs, but I often think of the words, "Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I! I will survive! Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive..."  As long as I know how to love Allah! People may think they can hurt or break you, but when you're living for the love and trust of Allah, they are insignificant. You destroy their power to hurt you and you hold the power bi idhn Illah ta'ala. 

It's all about perspective. It's all about that ultimate goal and remaining strong, firm, and determined on your path with that singular and clear goal in sight. 

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika laa ilaaha il ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk

The Muslim Man - The Conflict Within

Bismillah wassalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

It appears to me that Muslim men, perhaps more so those who reverted and had relationships before Islam, have a conflict. They want the piety and beauty of an Islamic wife and family, but the base desires of sexual freedom and a woman like those on the street still exist. After all, the biggest jihad is against our nafs.

They want sexual excitement and spontaneity which dies a slow death with having a family. Pregnancy,babies, children,  etc. make acting on impulse and dressing to tempt and invite virtually impossible. Men have to repress their desires, do without. I'm not talking about actual intercourse, as a wife can be willing every day maashaa Allah, but the whole atmosphere and freedom of interaction is what they don't have. They may wish for the days before children came along, or yearn for the day when the children are all grown, to regain that free and impetuous sexuality.

A busy wife is a blessing, and a turn off. She doesn't have time for doting on her husband; other people and things take priority. So, while a man may understand and appreciate her ability to run the house, raise the children, and do all the extra she does, he is not getting what he wants/needs to feel satisfied. These are the biggest factors I see and have understood from my husband - polygany analyst and survivor - over the years, maashaa Allah.

Men have different tolerance levels and will handle the situation in a different way.  Most think they are too much man for one woman and seek other outlets. Problem is, for those who don't actually try polygany, they don't see the reality of it. Unless they take a childless woman who won't have any or a woman whose children are all grown, they will have the same exact situation with number two or three or four, as with number one as soon as they fall pregnant. They also don't have the chance to compare the women to see and appreciate those things in number one that subsequent wives lack.

Depending on how the man deals with his repressed feelings, he could be irritable, distant, withdrawn, or immerse himself in other activities - halaal or haraam. He will struggle with himself about his repressed feelings and will not want to admit that changes in his behavior are due to them...or justify his behavior due to them.

My husband, upon reading this, agreed that I have just about summed it up alhamdulillah! 

Perseverance

Bismillahi wa assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I had a truly gushing moment yesterday while finishing lunch with my daughters. They really do have to put up with all sorts of emotional outbursts from me, LOL, maashaa Allah.

I said,  "For anyone just looking at me or considering what I've done in my life, they would not imagine me being of the muqarraboon - those forerunners closest to Allah.  I consider my shortcomings, failings, and sins and find myself in a miserable state in front of Allah. After all, I am just a regular person, not a prophet or scholar or prominent caller to Islam.

But my all encompassing and desperate desire to be of the muqarraboon makes me persevere with 'ibaadah, istighfar, and acknowledging every pain and difficulty as a much deserved and light recompense for my sins.  I charge on, sometimes plod on, but I refuse to despair of Allah's mercy and give up hope that He will put me with the muqarraboon. Having certainty of Allah's perfect qualities motivates me to persevere.

So I say to you all, don't EVER give up on your righteous goals. Our most forgiving, gentle,  merciful, and generous Creator sees everything and can do anything.

Subhaanak Allahumma la ilaaha ila ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

To the Hurt, the Heartbroken

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Sometimes it is very hard to see clearly when you are hurt or heartbroken by someone. To be honest, only Allah knows the complete situation from both sides and if their treatment or behaviour is wrong.However, when you are hurt, think about what will heal the hurt. Think about how things could be set right and what it would need from the person/people who hurt you. Then make dua...for them. 

Never forget that the dua' of the oppressed has no shield between the person and Allah. Ask Allah to guide  them to be better, closer to the manners and ways of the Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa salaam. Ask Allah to make clear to them what He Loves and what He Hates and guide them to all that He Loves. Ask Allah to show them the errors of their ways and correct them. Ask Allah to put love, for His Sake, between you and them. Ask Allah to increase their taqwa and emaan and make them an excellent servant of Allah. Seek protection from the fitna of them and the situation for yourself and your family. Then pray for all of those things for yourself as well and for anyone else involved. If everyone pleases Allah, then hearts will heal and success will follow.

This isn't Islam at a basic level, this is Islam at its finest. This is praying for the one(s) who hurt you to become among Allah's best and most beloved servants. Of course, it is up to Allah to guide them or not, but you get even greater than what you wish for others and if they are guided they will see the truth of their behavior and mend the relationship with you, inshaa'Allah.

If you wonder whether I have done this, I can say that I most certainly have and continue to do it, even when my heart is virtually in pieces from the behavior towards me. Al hamdul'Illah, it has never caused me loss. I have faced, and do face, many deep hurts and heartbreaks from people, but I know that the only way to make things better and heal my own heart is for them to get better. May Allah help and guide us all - ameen.

Polygyny: Would I ?

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Over the years, polygyny has played a role in my life in many ways. When I was a single Muslimah, I had several proposals for polygyny and have witnessed polygyny attempts... and failures. One might think that with my attitude towards it, I might have been a willing candidate for polygyny.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I always looked at it with the questions:

What is the benefit for him?
What is the benefit for me?
What is the benefit for his family?
What are the losses for him?
What are the losses for me?
What are the losses for his family?
Does his wife want it? Does she accept and agree to it?
How does he plan to practice it?
Can he afford it?
Do we have similar goals?
Is he forward thinking regarding safeguarding our future and our goals collectively as a family?
Does he have genuine reasons for wanting to marry me?
What is his religious understanding and practice?

Believe me, there are plenty of other questions I could ask but I never even got past the first six or seven. Usually, I didn't even get past the first two! Needless to say, I didn't accept those polygynous proposals. In fact, in each case the first thing I asked the brother was, "What about your wife?" I will not be the one to hurt his wife, take time and resources away from his children, and ruin the simplicity of being one happy family unit. I'm not the party crasher. I'm not the one to squeeze a sixth person in a five-passenger car and cause discomfort for everyone on the journey.

I'm sure this sounds funny when I am in polygyny and have welcomed, or at worst case, accepted it into my life as a blessing and a test from Allah. However, there is a big difference between being a first wife where polygyny is imposed on you, and to be unmarried and make a conscious decision to enter into polygyny. The former entails having Allah send life changes and tests to you and facing them. The latter entails looking at  a prospective situation, its pros and cons, and choosing it.

So,  I wondered to myself, under what circumstances would I enter into polygyny? Before everything else, I would need to be in a situation where I needed to married...and where polygyny could work well or better than monogamy. Perhaps if I were widowed, needing support and stability for my children or to keep us in a certain place (like here in Madinah) it would become an option. Obviously there would need to be a great benefit to our Islam, with sound understanding and in depth knowledge. At my stage of life and deen, the only way to respect and obey a man is for him to have serious focus, obedience to, and worship of Allah.

So, if all this is in place, what's left? His wife. She must know me, understand me, love me, and actually want me in her life and family. She must be so satisfied with me that she would trust me to raise her children if something should happen to her. How's that for a tall order, LOL?

Now before anyone jumps up and argues, I know that the existing wife doesn't have to agree to polygyny. I know that she doesn't have to like me or be friends. I know that she doesn't even have to get to know me. This isn't about any Islamic requirements; this is about me and my heart and what I can live with. I cannot live with the guilt and fitna of marrying someone at the expense of others. I don't want to be another woman's heart wrenching test or unpleasant, lifetime burden. That makes for a wounded family. I will not expose my children to that and I will not accept that distraction from my deen and worship bi ithn Illah, taala.

I know what the implications of polygyny are. Basically, the first wife has to include and be affected for the rest of her life, by another woman who she never chose to share with, or even be friends with in many cases. The existence of that person in her family means that nothing is the same. Her marriage and marital intimacy is altered forever. There is no freedom to go on vacations without paying the price of time and money for someone else. Everything is on a schedule, restricted by time division and having to always be considerate of someone else. Everything is more complicated, more tiring, and sadly, less pleasant. It is a enormous and painful test for most women.

Marriage is supposed to be forever and it is meant to be one big family, on the same page, striving for the same goals, functioning in their respective roles, happy together and loving each other... for the sake of Allah. Sound too good, too ideal? Well, it isn't really; it will always have it's tests and trials. However, I've seen too much and been through too much to willingly settle for anything less that that.

May Allah bless us all abundantly, shower His soothing mercy on us, and make our good intentions a reality - ameen.

Polygyny - Behind Closed Doors

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah Wa Barkatuh.

This is a sensitive subject, but it is the biggest and hardest aspect to deal with for many women in polygyny - marital intimacy. I know that many women feel that they never want their husbands to touch them again once he's been with another woman. They struggle with feelings of diminished confidence, jealousy, suspicion that he is lying when he says he still wants them, and disgust. It can be even harder because, with polygyny, it is not a secret; he has legitimately taken another wife and is living with her for part of the time.

I'm sure some of you may have wondered how I handled this and if I went through those feelings. Most certainly some of those negative thoughts went through my mind, but I knew they were from shaytaan. I also avoid my own slanted interpretations of things. After all, if I have no reason to think I am undesirable or less in some way, then why on earth should I think it?

Certain factors will always play a big part in how the woman feels and how she copes. Much depends on how the husband handles the situation. He must make her feel especially wanted and desired to compensate for the fact that he is also enjoying someone else. He must make it his responsibility to ensure the existing wife/wives are well taken care of in this area.

However, a different approach can be taken to the whole subject. Women don't get married to be left hanging and frustrated. It is the husband's duty to keep his wife/wives fulfilled, regardless of his obligations to, and desires for, another wife. If a wife is left feeling frustrated or ignored, it could be a huge source of fitna and resentment of his other marriage. It is essential to eliminate all aspects that will sabotage positive thinking and success in polygynous situations.

So, rather than think to yourself, 'I don't want him to touch me now he's been with someone else,' think instead, 'I'm getting some of my marital rights from him.' For every night that you think he is pleasing her, ensure he pleases you on your night/time, inshaa'Allah. I'm sure it must seem quite a tough approach as opposed to the hurt and confidence shaken one, but it can work very well bi idhn Illah ta'ala.  Even if you imagine that your husband is having relations with his other wife on every one of her nights, exercising your marital rights on your nights gives you equal psychological footing.

As my husband so clearly stated on his blog, it doesn't go down well in polygyny for the man to be too tired or have a headache, LOL. From a female perspective, I think that most men think they are "too much man" for one woman and can always handle more, maashaa Allah. Just say to him, "Prove it." ;P

What Went Wrong?

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.


What is our purpose on this earth? 

وَمَا خَلَقْتُ الْجِنَّ وَالْإِنْسَ إِلَّا لِيَعْبُدُونِ

 And I did not create the Jinn and the mankind except for My worship. 

Quran 51:56

How does that apply to marriage, parenting, family, friendships, colleagues, and the world around us? In every one of these relationships, we must enter it with the intent to serve Allah and increase our emaan and taqwa through it. In every one of these relationships we must be encouraging and increasing worship and obedience to Allah. We must, foremost, enter into any and all things for the improvement, and as positive part of the development, of our worship of Allah.

It is reported that ‘Abdullâh b. ‘Abbâs – Allâh be pleased with him – said, “Love for Allâh and hate for Allâh, make your enmity because of Allâh and your allegiance because of Allâh; for indeed, the love and support of Allâh is not achieved save through this. And a man will never taste true faith (îmân) – though he may pray and fast much – except when he is like that. Today, the people’s brotherhood is based upon worldly considerations (dunyâ), but this will not do anything for them on the Day of Resurrection.”

Ibn Al-Mubârak, Al-Zuhd wa Al-Raqâ`iq article 353.

What happens when we enter into anything for our own reasons that go against what Allah and His Messenger (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) have given us as criteria? Things go wrong. They don't go wrong because they started out right in the first place and then lost Allah's Blessings. They go wrong because they were never right in the first place; they are simply following their course.

What is their course all about? Teaching us what happens when we don't do things with the right intention; when we don't do them to worship and draw closer to Allah, subhaana wa taala. Their course is a series of warnings, signs, lessons, and events that are meant to teach us that there is no success without putting Allah first.

When we embark on marriage with the wrong intention or mixed intentions, then we will see the results of that. That's why so many marriages fail. What about the marriages where one person had the right intention and the other didn't. Does it end up okay? Not usually.

It is reported that Sufyân Al-Thawrî – Allâh have mercy on him – said:

If you loved a man for Allâh and then he innovates in Islâm and you don’t hate him for it, you never [truly] loved him for Allâh.

Abû Nu’aym, Hilyatu Al-Awliyâ` 7:34.

Usually the marriage is not happy or successful. Usually, it is a blessing from Allah for the one with the right intention if the marriage ends. They are being protected from the companionship and fitna of someone insincere and misguided.

Yahyâ b. Yahyâ Al-NaysâbûrÎ reports:

I was once with Sufyân b. ‘Uyainah – Allah have mercy on him, when a man came to him and said, “O Abû Muhammad, I complain to you of so-and-so”, meaning his wife, “I am the lowest and most despicable thing to her.” [Sufyân] lowered his head for a few moments, then said, “Perhaps you wanted her in order to better your status.” The man said, “Indeed, o Abû Muhammad.” Sufyân said, “Whoever goes for glory will be tried with ignominy, whoever goes for wealth will be tried with poverty, but whoever goes for religiousness, Allah will bring together for him glory and wealth with the religion.” He then started to narrate to him:

We were four brothers: Muhammad, ‘Umrân, IbrâhÎm and I. Muhammad was the eldest, ‘Umrân was the youngest, and I was in the middle. When Muhammad wanted to marry, he desired status and married a woman of higher standing, so Allah tried him with ignominy. ‘Umrân desired wealth, so he married a richer woman and Allah tried him with poverty: [her family] took everything from him and gave him nothing.

I pondered their situation. Mu’ammar b. Râshid once came to us so I consulted him on the situation and told him the story of my brothers. He reminded me of the hadÎth of Yahyâ b. Ja’dah and the hadÎth of ‘Â`ishah. The hadÎth of Yahyâ b. Ja’dah states that the Prophet – Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him – said, “A woman is married for four things: her religion, her status (lineage), her wealth or her beauty; so take the religious one and be successful.” The hadÎth of ‘Â`ishah states that the Prophet – Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him – said, “The most blessed woman is she who is easiest to maintain.”

Thus, I chose [to marry a woman of] religion and modest dowry, in accordance with the Sunnah of Allah’s Messenger – Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him, and Allah gave me status and wealth along with the religion.

Abû Nu’aym, Hilyatu Al-Awliyâ` 7:289, 290.

Note
The first hadÎth is recorded by Al-BukhârÎ and Muslim. The second is found in Al-Nasâ`Î and other collections but has been graded weak by scholars including Shaykh Al-AlbânÎ. However, scholars point out there is another narration that supports and adds to its meaning. This hadÎth states:
It is from the blessing in a woman that she has an easy dowry, an easy proposal [via her guardian] and an easy womb (i.e. she is fertile and bares children without difficulty). One of the reporters of this narration, ‘Urwah, said “And I say from myself, one of the first signs of evil from a woman is for her to have a high dowry.”
This hadÎth is recorded by Imâm Ahmad and others and is graded hasan by Shaykh Al-AlbânÎ.

In some beautiful scenarios, the one with the wrong intention learns from the one with the right intention and the relationship becomes one of serious, and joyous, striving towards the pleasure of Allah. These are the occasions when we see that Allah Guides whom He wills and can turn a situation for the good. However, these are not situations one enters into knowingly, because there is no guarantee that Allah will turn the other's heart and mind; that may not be His will.

When people look at their problematic or failed marriages, relationships between parents and children,  friendships, and acquaintances, so many times we hear that question, "What went wrong?" So many times people harp on the question, seeking all manner of answers and solutions. However, the answer is as simple as that one ayah of Quran: we are here to worship Allah. What is worship of Allah? Believing in, following, and implementing His message and our perfect example, Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam).

If we put our own desires before the worship of Allah, then we are simply wasting our time and asking to be taught a lesson. Yes, we are human and we make mistakes; but we must learn from them and come to correct and sincere intention. Otherwise, eventually we may become of those who Allah leaves to their pleasure in this life to increase their punishment in the next, wa audhu b'Illahi min as-shaytaan ir-rajeem.

Now, when I hear that question, "What went wrong?" I think to myself, "Absolutely nothing."

All thanks and praise for Allah, our only hope for success in this life and eternity.

Polygyny...Just a Little Quran and Sunnah

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Allah tells us in the Quran,

"And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice]." (An-Nisaa’ 3:3). 

I hear so many people say that polygyny is not recommended in Islam, but it is permitted. How does that align with Allah's words? He, subhaana wa taala, didn't say, "Marry one woman of your choice, and if you can check off a list of requirements that she gives you and also be fair, then marry 2, 3, or 4."  Go ahead and look it up in Tafsir Ibn Kathir. So, to those who come with claims and opinions, I say to you, "Allah says what He means."

When it comes to practicing polygyny, there is much to be taken from our best example, Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam.) His wives had varying dowers. They were of varying ages, physical attributes, personalities, and personal situations. They were all provided with their own home within close proximity of the others. They used to meet together for a while in the home of whomever night it was each day. They had to treat each other with respect and kindness. He was kind, loving, patient, and fair with them all. He did housework. He ate whatever was available and never put his wives to trouble about special food. He was fair and firm with them when they erred. As per his example, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, his wives situations weren't worsened by him marrying others.*

However, we must bear in mind that they were living as simply as possible...quite the opposite of how we live today.


I cannot tell you how many times I think of this hadith.

Narrated Ibn Umar (radhi Allahu anhuma), "Once the Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) went to the house of Fatima (radhi Allahu anha) but did not enter it. Ali came and she told him about that. When Ali asked the Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) about it, he said, "I saw a multi-colored decorative curtain on her door. I am not interested in worldly things."  Ali (radhi Allahu anh) went to Fatima and told her about it. Fatima said, I am ready to dispense with it in the way he suggests. The Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) ordered her to send it to such and such needy people."

I look around our apartment and know that even though we have a much simpler home and belongings that the majority of our peers, the Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) would not want to enter. Our lives today are so far removed from what he enjoined, that a decorative curtain is an atom in the universe compared to the worldly things most of his Ummah have, accumulate, and covet.  AstaghfirAllah!

It is reported that Hafsah – Allâh be pleased with her – once said to her father (‘Umar, during his Caliphate):
Allâh has increased the provisions; if only you would eat better food than the food you eat now and wear softer clothes then those you wear now?! He said, “I will argue [against] you with your own self: Was not the condition of Allâh’s Messenger – praise and peace be upon him – such-and-such [when you were his wife]!?” He kept reminding her until she cried. He continued, “I have told you, by Allâh, I will share in their hard living (in this world, referring to The Prophet and Abû Bakr) so that I may partake in their good life (in Paradise).”
Hunâd b. Al-Sarî, Al-Zuhd article 687; Imâm Ahmad, Al-Zuhd article 201, et al. ^{(1)
(1) Shaykh Abd Al-Rahmân Al-Farîwâ`î explains in his edition of Hunâd’s Al-Zuhd that this narration is sahîh if it is confirmed that Mus‘ab b. Sa’d heard it from Hafsah; otherwise its chain of transmission is mursal sahîh (i.e. it is authentic except there is a missing link between Mus’ab and Hafsah)}

It is, for this reason, that I understand (yes, ME, personally, which has nothing to do with anyone else with a different opinion) that there is no success for us in polygyny until we let go of our own opinions and materialism. Specifically, in both monogamy and polygyny it isn't about having the bigger or more expensive home, the fancier decor, or the higher lifestyle. An increase in those those things just takes us further and further away from what our beloved example, our Prophet, approved of.

If both husbands and wives follow the words of the Quran and Prophet's example, all those personal criteria and opinions regarding how polygyny should be practiced, under what "rules", and by whom, will end up baseless dust.

We need to stop LIVING with Allah and His Messenger in our lives and start living our lives in worship of  ALLAH and gaining the approval of His Messenger.

*I have had someone named Nazia claim that I post without giving proof, but I don't know how I can write a blog post of any reasonable length and give all the hadith, quotes from the relevant books and seerah to support the things that I write. The things I write about are easily located in Tafsir Ibn Katheer, reputed books on the Seerah of the Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam), his wives (radhi Allahu anhunna), and major hadith collections. I don't write about obscure things, and if they are lesser known, then I include the proof.

Polygyny: Hubby's Monthly Progress Report.

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakath.

About a week ago, hubby asked for a polygyny progress report reflecting how I felt he was doing with our polygynous situation. He has asked that it be done monthly so he can keep on top of things and that it be submitted in writing, so he has a record to refer back to. I have copied it below, however I have edited it slightly so as not to give overly specific details about members of our family. It is not edited enough to change my points though.

Polgyny Progress Report #1

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

All thanks and praise are for Allah, the most Perfect Provider of all our needs and our perfect Guide!

There are four aspects that I will address in this PPR: Relationship, Family, Islamic, and Practical.

Relationship:

Mashaa'Allah, you have done an excellent job of ensuring that I feel loved and appreciated. You have made an effort to make our time together enjoyable and of quality. The extra effort and affection has, in fact, made our relationship better than before, al hamdu l'Illah. Keep it up, please ;-D 

Family:

Although this is obviously an area that is harder to please everyone in, the effort you have made to spend a little time each day with the girls is helping. Most certainly one of the most important factors is that they see you every day. The morning school routine makes it far less like you are gone much. They are affected by it all, I see it in the way they ask if you are here when they wake up, when you are coming, if you will be having dinner. However, considering that the changes are inevitable, I think it is going well enough. I have made the effort to make our nights and dinners without "Daddy" special and incorporate the bedtime story into things so that they have more things to look forward in their routine. They are certainly happy when we do more family things, especially going to the park, shopping, masjid, and they are looking forward to the return of the istaraaha and beach trips, inshaa'Allah. I think the main things they look for are nice activities out of the house and being part of a happy family.

- Friday Family thing is okay, but it is not an outing of choice.

Islamic:

This has been an area where having someone in the family who needs to be taught certain basics has perhaps pushed you to closer adherence and growth in various Islamic areas, mashaa'Allah. It has been difficult to explain things to the children when there are contradictions within our family (e.g. differences in prayer, dress, etc.) However, inshaa'Allah this will all come  together in time and they will see how we all conform and unify in Islam as per the Quran and Sunnah.

Practical Issues:

I guess these are known perfectly well, but I'll document them anyway.

- Time for food shopping falls by the wayside and is inconsistent. The Friday Family thing interferes with the previous shopping arrangement. Need a top up for the household jar, so we can go to the supermarket over the road for necessities now and then, inshaa'Allah.

- The afternoon visit time isn't working as well at earlier on, and sometimes it doesn't seem balanced. For example, you came an hour late because last minute you dropped Zainab at her cousins. Perhaps it was made up by you being here on a night she was working, as I'm not keeping a track.

- The schedule is quite heavy and generally tiring, but I don't think there is much to be done about that with all that's going on.

- Zainab's job and your choice about her cooking makes things very unbalanced. Although I am grateful for the soft start for the girls in regards to having dinner with you and seeing you on more evenings, it isn't fair on the wives... When she is not working, there is no reason why your children couldn't go there after school and do their work on their netbooks. The structure and schedule for their homeschooling is not working well at all.

I understand that once Zainab stops working, then things will fall into place, inshaa'Allah. Inna Allaha ma'a as saabireen.


Barak Allahu feek wa fee usratanaa - ameen.

We discussed my comment about the Friday family outings. Hubby reminded me that they were established so we can get to know each other, build up a relationship, and be one big family. We have had five outings to date, the last three of which were at the park. However, the past four weeks we haven't had our Friday Family outing due to various circumstances.

It is amazing how easy it is to get comfortable not having those outings, especially as they take time for food preparation and need a great deal of mental effort to speak in Arabic. However, truly that is just shaytaan's whispers, as the more we get to know each other the better prepared we will be for living together on our land in the future inshaa'Allah.


I will post separately about the schedule because it is the biggest issue we have in all of this and looks just a big bowl of spaghetti at the moment. However, he already realized the food shopping issue and set new time slots for that...which for unforeseen circumstances these past two weeks haven't worked either, LOL. Since the progress report, hubby is now taking the children at change-over time and cooking on the evenings that he is at Zainab's. Also, he has freed up two of his nights during the week that were for Arabic classes, so Tuesday or Wednesday, regardless of whether Zainab is working, he will be able to take them there as usual.

So, inshaa'Allah this monthly exercise will be an excellent way to open up channels of communication on any problems that need to be addressed and what's going well. I'm taking notes of the beauty and the glitches in the programme, so let's see what next month's will bring, inshaa'Allah!

Polygyny: Living Arrangements and Co-Wives' Relationship

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

As many of you have read, my co-wife lives just down the road from our apartment; perhaps no more than a 5 or 10 minute walk. This makes life much more pleasant for us all, because hubby can visit and go back and forth very easily without losing time on the transportation to and from our apartments.

On that subject, hubby asked me last week about our future plans for land and whether, given the choice, I would rather have the houses close together or spaced far apart or even on adjoining parcels of land. I immediately wanted to say spaced far apart, but held my tongue to think it through properly first. I have several reasons for not wanting us to be beside each other's homes. One is confidentiality. If hubby stops by to see me during the day, or vice versa, we don't need to know about it. I also don't want to have to find ways to regulate the frequency of visits if it is more than I'm comfortable with. I'm very happy in my solitude and in my own home, mashaa'Allah. Another aspect is that I don't want the uninvited intrusion of Zainab's young children in my peaceful life. We will each be in different stages of family life. In addition, I do not want to leave myself open to any situation where I will be considered a resident babysitter. I have no ill will in saying this, but I want to safeguard against things that I know will cause bad feelings and that shaytaan could play on.

In any case, I had to find a way of explaining to hubby in a way he could totally understand. I sat in the van telling him to hang on while I tried to find the right analogy and example. Then, mashaa'Allah, I found an analogy that explained the situation perfectly. I had to think of a friend of hubby's that is more an acquaintance that he likes but who is not a dear and close friend. Once I thought of someone, who I've termed as Brother X here, I could give the example. Here it is.

"If I told you that you had to live with Brother X and all his children for the rest of your life, and you had a choice between having him in the house right next to you or on a plot of land a bit further away, which would you choose?"

He immediately got it. If it was a dear and close friend, he'd want them to be right near him, but for someone who he must live with but isn't that type of friend, he would want space. Polygyny is a life choice that affects everyone because it is marriage, and marriage is intended to be for a lifetime.

It is very important to ensure that everyone has their own space. How much space they need will depend on the relationship between the co-wives. Close friends may want to be very near each other as their friendship is far more important to them than their relationship as co-wives. Sisters in Islam may want more space so that they don't feel that they are having someone imposed on them and their lives who isn't a natural choice as a friend. Others who don't have a good relationship with their co-wife, may benefit the most by being far enough away that they don't have to cross paths but near enough that they don't suffer time or visitation loss because of it.

For me, Arabic, Quran, homeschooling, mothering, wifing, and supporting others in tawheed, taqwa, and tawakkal are primary goals for my future. Inshaa'Allah, I will have the space to focus on what is important to me and my co-wife will have the space to raise her family and follow her own goals.

Polgyny: How Honest Should You Be?

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah waBarakatuh.

A sister sent this question to our Madinah Naseeha e-mail address and both my husband and I have decided to answer the question jointly and post it on both of our blogs. The question is, if a husband makes clear that he is seeking another wife and plans to practise polygyny, how honest should the wife be if she isn't happy about that? Should she stop being honest to keep the peace?

Honesty is extremely important, and the difference between people understanding you and your actions correctly or not, lies in how honest you have been with them about who you are and how you feel. That said, it is important not to harp on an issue

There is a big difference between accepting the prospect/reality of polygyny in your life and liking it. There is also a big difference between disliking it, feeling hurt by it, and fearing it and going against Allah's commands and your duties as a wife to become a source of rejection and fitna in it. This is another test, sent by Allah, to be dealt with in the best of manners.

Here is a possible response to a husband's question: "I don't like the prospect of polygyny in my life. If you'd like to know the reasons, I will explain more. However, I am a servant of Allah and plan to act with emaan and taqwa throughout this test and seek Allah's help and guidance." This opens the door for him to choose whether he wants to discuss it further and really hear your concerns or not and makes clear that your intentions are good, but you aren't at peace with the prospect of him taking another wife.

Another possible answer is: "I can't talk about it." This gives a clear message to the husband that you are not in a stage of her life where polygyny is easy for you to accept. Your feminine nature is in opposition to your spiritual nature. This is something that is not wrong, but part of the female psyche. We cannot fault a woman for not doing backflips at the prospect of having to share her husband, time, etc. If he is a thinking man, he will realize that taking another wife it is not the wisest thing to do at that time. Although it may be permissible, it is not wise at all.

If approaching him and asking him questions won't cause discord, ask him why he wants to practice polygyny. However please note, you must be prepared for the answers. It is important for both husbands and wives not to ask questions that they may not like the answer to, or cannot handle the truth about.

If he says that he wants to practice polygyny because it is Sunnah, kindly ask why he has chosen this Sunnah over the other Sunnahs. You may remind him that the Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, practiced monogamy for most of his married life, and didn't practice it until after Khadijah (radhi Allahu anhaa) died. That is also a strong Sunnah. All of his marriages set a precedent for the Ummah, were divinely inspired, or were benefiting and strengthening the Ummah through key affiliations. You may ask how your husband's prospective marriage will benefit the "little ummah," your marriage.

Lastly, the most important thing is to make sure that the dialogue is peaceful and that family life stays harmonious. If any of the above advice would cause any type of problem, throw it away - don't take it. However, if you believe it will benefit, please by all means, use it.

Polygyny and Life Update

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Been a bit quiet over here, hasn't it? Well, when it's quiet there is usually a whole lot going on. It's taken all this time to manage to type something half reasonable! Here are the key developments in polygyny and life.

My mother informed me that she is disgusted with our polygyny situation, that my husband has insulted and disrespected me, that my self-esteem has flown out of the window, and that to her it is nothing better than prostitution.  She says she put my husband on a pedestal as he was so wonderful with us, but now she's disappointed in him. All this communication surprised me, but Qadr Allah mashaa fa'al.

I understand how hard this must be for her to comprehend. She is 74 years old, not Muslim, and follows God by doing whatever seems right to her. Her judgement is based on her own lordship, not the word of The Creator. May God guide her to His Truth - ameen. However, it did surprise me and, of course, hubby and I are considering whether there is some way we can help her better understand it.

I have been facing unexpected behavior problems with my daughters, which I was initially so surprised by that I felt I was in a boat without any oars in the middle of the ocean, without GPS. Fortunately, my GPS arrived in the form of sakinah and guidance from Allah, subhaana wa taala. Now I'm relaxing into it all and preparing myself for a whole new "experience" of parenting, lol.

As for the polygyny, our schedule has changed. With maghrib prayer getting later and later and the change over time being 6:30 p.m., it was disturbing the bedtime of our two young daughters. I mentioned it and now the change over time is 5:50 p.m., so that dinner is at 6:00 p.m. and there is plenty of time for everyone to get to bed on time.

Hubby has Arabic classes 5 days a week from  7:00 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. This has made him a bit more elusive, LOL. To ensure that the children see him, he has now split the afternoon visit time between each home. In effect, between around 4:30 and 5:50, he will visit both homes so that he has seen everyone before dinner and going for his class.

Zainab has a new work schedule in which she works evenings from 5:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. This has a big impact on us all, because the normal schedule cannot be adhered to. Because she leaves around 4:30 p.m., she is not home for the step-children or for the family dinner on these nights...and not even for her visit time! This has resulted in me having the step children during the day almost every day. It has also resulted in me cooking dinner for all six of us almost every evening on alternate weeks when Saturday and Monday are my nights, and still the majority of the nights when they are not. I told hubby that I'm not feeling much like this is polygyny. I'm not getting any chance to miss him, LOL!

I didn't realize, when hubby said that Zainab worked and that polygyny would be an easy transition, exactly how true that was. Since Zainab has gone back to work, I'm not getting the time off I was enjoying and planning for in the early days. Of course, the upside of all this is that the children have dinner with daddy almost every night and there really isn't much chance for them to miss him. Such a mild start should make a gradual increase more natural if or when Zainab stops working.

As for the relationship with Zainab, it is going along well enough. We find a bit more to talk about as I have started selecting topics that will be easy to expand on. She came to the park for a multi-family cook-out and met some of our other friends. Everything is very foreign for her, so this is not an easy time in regards to adjustments, learning, and cultural differences. However, she is perfectly peaceable, polite, and pleasant so we have no problems at all. We exist in the same space easily, talk and laugh about general things here and there, and are basically happy wives in our own space, mashaa'Allah.

Polygyny Scenarios

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykkum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

A dear sister posted these scenarios in a polygyny group that is no longer in existence. The situations can easily be perceived as negative or problems.... so I'm making lemonade with them. I have never faced any of these situations personally, but they are quite easy to envisage. These were my responses, which I pray are pleasing to Allah.

The family is visiting husband's non-muslim family. Somehow one wife ends up sitting right next to hubby, and there are no other seats nearby.
Qadr Allah wa al hamdul'Illah. I sit somewhere else, preferably beside someone I know and can talk to...a female relative or hubby's dad.

Being first wife, you have control of the bank account. when the new wife arrives what happens to your job as banker?

I would ask if he wants me to relinquish my “banking position,” or suggest that hubby sets up a separate joint account for them and allocates funds there so she can do the same for that home...or he can manage that account separately.

You and husband are invited to a dinner on the night of the other. The hosts don't want your entire family there. Now what?
Ask the hosts to reschedule for my night. Hubby might ask the other to change her night so we can go, if it can't work otherwise. After all, I'd  do the same in a reverse situation.

You and co-wife are riding in the car and your cell phone goes off... it's him. When you're finished saying you're fine, etc what about the other sister? Do you give her the phone?
Yes, I give her the phone. Why not?

The husband told you he's on his way to a business seminar. You realize you haven't visited the sister in a while so you decide to go over since the husband is occupied with business.... so when you call to say you're on the way, guess who answers? Now what?

I would say, “Oh, sorry! I thought you were at the seminar and I was calling to arrange to visit my sister. Please forgive my intrusion.” Hey, Allah is the All Knower and Judge. He might have been there to say goodbye to her or make sure everything is in order in that home before he leaves. If he was lying and trying to deceive, then it is his account and I lose a few more sins from mine. Great deal really... About the time division, if that's how he is, he can stay there as long as he likes. Better to have LESS of the one who doesn't fear Allah or doesn't appreciate me.

The three of you want to go on hajj. How do you identify your selves? Wife, sister, friend?

Husband and wives.

You've got your kids and she has hers. When it's her time yours stay home with you. when it's your time, hers come with dad. No big deal?

Yes, big deal. This would depend GREATLY on how the children are raised. If they are on the same page as mine, well behaved, good adaab, akhlaaq, and iqraam and hubby is taking care of them primarily, then okay. If not, then not fair, not working, and no thanks. Also, totally monitored play with my children. I wouldn't want to feel any resentment that they were in anyway introducing bad habits or corruption to my children.  I have enough of that from school! Better safe than sorry.

You've been wanting that ______ for the longest. Now finally hubby goes to the store with you, but he says he cannot afford that one, so you settle for another one that is smaller. A couple of weeks later you are invited to the other house, and what do you see? The ______ that you really wanted! No big deal?

Qadr Allah, ma shaa fa'al. Allah exposed the situation to me, but I don't know if hubby bought that for her or she bought it with her own money.It may have been a wedding gift. He may even have taken her and offered the less expensive model and she chose to pay the difference.  If I thought badly of him about it, without looking at the possible circumstances, then I take a sin on myself. We need to think the best of others, not the worst...or even just okay thoughts. Allah is the judge, and if I have been unfairly treated, then mashaa'Allah, hubby's taking my sins for it so al hamdul'Illah! Things won't get me to Jennah, but a clean account will surely help inshaa'Allah!

You keep pining away for the kids that moved away. Your husband jokes that he'll just marry someone who can have more. Joke or hint?

Probably hint. Never forget, as with everything, it's about quality not quantity. It's a beautiful thing to have good children raised on correct knowledge and deep faith, but not just more children. To raise children well takes a great deal of time, effort, and patience. He may joke about it, but it won't be any laughing matter when he has to help raise those children....and if he doesn't help, he will suffer the consequences.


As for the wife who is no longer making babies, she no longer has those year long hormonal horrors that hubby has to deal with. She no longer has 40 days nifaas, and eventually, not even a menses to stop the relations mashaa'Allah. I long came to the realization that there are benefits in being past baby making years because you are always consistent and available...and offer a much more relaxing environment for hubby, mashaa'Allah. See, every side has it's benefits and attractive features. Qadr Allah, I must enjoy the benefits of my situation and make the most of them. I can live with being the retreat from crying babies and mayhem.

Polygyny Update: Just Taking it Easy

Bism Illah wa as salaam alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Well, here we are about six weeks into the polygyny. How's it going, you ask? All's well, al hamdul'Illah. We have had three Family Friday's now, the second meeting we went to a restaurant for lunch which just wasn't  a good atmosphere for getting acquainted. This past Friday we went to the park with a picnic. Hubby left us all to get set up and left for about 20 minutes to pick something up. That gave us some time to talk and, as it centered around the food, it was an easy conversation to have and quite comfortable. Certainly, once we started playing a game with our poof football, everyone was laughing and having fun.

I had set my mind to be very careful not to be overly familiar with hubby around Zainab, to show respect for her and not make her uncomfortable. I even made mental notes not to call him "habibi" or touch him when we are all together. However, Zainab was far more relaxed about it all, running for the ball and holding him around the waist to stabilize herself, even blowing him a kiss when we dropped her off at work. That has taken some pressure off me, as having more comfortable boundaries and less restrictions will make for a more natural relationship between us all.

The children are all benefiting from this set up. Our daughters have more one-on-one time with me, which is important now as they are developing their personalities and need more connections, more guidance, more course correction, and more love and nurturing. They spend more quality time with their father now, and I pray that continues - ameen. The step children are really enjoying the different atmosphere and lifestyle at Zainab's home, mashaa'Allah. It gives them a chance to express themselves differently as well, as they only speak in Arabic to Zainab and is a fresh ear for their interests and banter. My step-daughter is thrilled to have a step-mother and friend all of her own. This is, although temporary until Zainab has babies, a very important thing for her, as in our home she is always one of three girls and of four children with little personal attention - something she craves. Who's left? Hubby, of course...and he is very happy, wa al hamdul'Illah. Everyone has a piece of contentment and some needs filled with this situation, so it's really just a matter of us all striving to increase our knowledge and please Allah. 

I am so happy with the arrangement that I don't want to ever go  back to monogamy! I must say though that the pace is quick and I barely feel the benefits of my night off before it's my night again. I'm starting to think that a third wife would give me that extra time to really get well-rested well, LOL ;P

Polygyny: Allah's Reward in My Life

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, I am so happy with my new life I just have to say, "WHEE!" Since my time division began a couple of weeks ago, I have been enjoying that extra "me" time and more relaxation. With our school break upon us, Allah has opened up a new door for me that I'm calling, "The Socialization and Sisterhood Door." Having my free nights, means I can invite my friends over for the evening and have a really good time. Last night I invited a dear friend and her daughter to spend the evening. We had a little cooking class (bread dough) and made pizza and sweet rolls. We talked about things we never had time to touch on before. We were relaxed and unpressured...no men in the other sitting room asking for tea, dessert, or any of that. No problem if we laughed, shouted, or screamed. Pure, unadulterated, free, girly time!

Not only that, I was contacted by the most famous blogger in Madinah, mashaa'Allah, and today we female bloggers in Madinah are meeting for the first time at Masjid an Nabawi! I'm so excited that I have a batch of organic but super-fattening brownies in the oven right now to take to the event. Whee!

Friday my daughters and I are going for dinner at a friend's, who lives around the corner and next week I'm lining up a couple of other invitations for some girly gatherings, inshaa'Allah. I know this is just some maximization of fun during the school break, but it is so refreshing!

Even once we are back at school, I'll always have one night free each weekend to possibly do something fun. 
During the week, I'll be able to focus on my studies without so much distraction from the mundane chores and attending to other people's needs.


When I think of hubby still in the "getting to know you" stage with so many cultural differences and communication barriers in his other home, I realize that I'm the one who has it easy. Some sisters have commented that being polygyny is like being a girlfriend instead of a wife. Well, that's not exactly true because you are supported and live like a wife. What it really does is make you look forward to your time together and make much better use of it. You plan your time, more like lovers do, rather than just take everything for granted. It brings a newness and freshness to the relationship, and a whole new appreciation. A little bit of absence does make the heart grow fonder...because those annoying things aren't under your nose all the time. It's amazing how easy it is to only show your good side when you aren't under the magnifying glass every single day.

I think we women get so caught up in our families that we often neglect time for ourselves, our own friendships, the bonds of sisterhood, and the connections with family and new friends that we want to make. When we include that aspect in our lives, we are much healthier, happier, and satisfied. We rediscover a part of ourselves that is critical for our well being. I know that Allah sent polygyny to me because He knows I will benefit from it, and that I needed those benefits in my life. I feel like I've been given a huge gift, wa al hamdu l'Illah!  Believe me when I tell you that when you welcome whatever Allah sends to you, He rewards it with goodness and blessings, opening new doors that you might never have imagined.

Polygyny - Realistic Expectations?

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Often the subject comes up about why single, childless women marry into polygyny. I often wonder if men seriously consider how important it is to portray the reality to the prospective wife. We hear so many stories of someone marrying a married man and then complaining or disliking certain aspects that were obviously going to exist from the beginning.

Why is it important for the prospective wife to know about the current wife and her views on polygyny? Because if the current wife doesn't accept polygyny, she needs to know. She needs to know from the outset that there is an issue of weak emaan, which WILL be a source of fitna and problems. It may just be contained by the husband, meaning that he doesn't allow her to slander, backbite, harass, or interfere in the second wife's life. However, it will take it's toll on the husband because he will have to handle all the stress and conflict in his home. If it isn't containable, then the next wife needs to be prepared for an onslaught of fitna. Not fun, not easy, and not necessary.

Whenever I considered polygynous proposals, one question I always asked early on was how the existing wife felt about it all. If I were to even consider it for second, I'd have to know she was all right with it. If I were to continue down that path, I'd have to meet with her prior to even praying istikhara so I had a clear idea what I was getting into and so did she. I am definitely a proponent for meeting each other beforehand. As a first wife, much of the discomfort and unease about polygyny comes from the unknown. Seeing the reality of your prospective co-wife can put many hearts at ease, because if she is truly good, you will not fear her and you will have an optimism from the beginning, based on reality, that you can make it all work. On the flip side, if she really doesn't seem genuine or a good fit, then at least there is a chance for both to realize that and perhaps warn the husband before it is too late. Worst case scenario if you have reservations about her, at least you can set up ground rules, take precautions, and be on your guard from her fitna.

The biggest factor in women's expectations of polygyny is the men. Men need to be REAL. It really doesn't help in the long run to sugar coat things. Tell the prospective bride how it will really be. Tell her, "You are going to sleep alone every other night. You are going to eat alone a lot of the time. You will have to find beneficial things to occupy your time and draw closer to Allah. My children take priority...because they don't have to share me.You will not have more time, more preference, or more money that the other wife. Do not imagine that I am only having marital relations with you or only find you attractive. I am still her husband. Just as you and I are an "us," so are her and I...and we've been an "us" for some years!   You will have to respect her just as she will have to respect you. Never speak badly of her, because she is my wife.

My husband told me that one highly recommended prospect for marriage was almost about to go through with it and suddenly one day said she'd just realized she would sleep alone every other night! What was she thinking all along? This, and so many other events that take place after the nikah, lead me to think that prospective additional wives, especially the single ones, are simply not looking at the big picture realistically.
I think that being honest with them and giving them a realistic idea of what their life will be like, will help them make an informed decision and also prevent a lot of marriages that are destined to fitna and failure.

I wonder if men spend so much time trying to promote the positives of polygyny, because they want it so badly, that they pass by the aspects that aren't every woman's dream. It appears that they often only promote the positives to themselves as well and are ill-prepared for the realities that polygyny holds for them, too. It is omissions like those that come back and bite everyone in the bottom!

Off to a Good Start in Polygyny

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I can only speak from my perspective, but here are some of the things that are making our transition into polygyny a happy and beautiful thing:

fairness, equality, and taqwa.

My husband is determined to get a "A" on his polygyny report card this time, mashaa'Allah. May Allah guide him to that reality - ameen. So, how does that work practically? Check out our days...

The time division is set up so that everyone gets to see him and spend time with him every day, bi ithn Illah. Whether working or not, from 4:00 p.m. -6.30 p.m., or from Asr to Maghrib, he visits the home that he will not spending the night. For us, he comes and sits with us, has some tea perhaps and snack, plays with the little ones and catches up on whatever is going on. He is affectionate, playful, and spends time sitting with me talking in English, LOL. I might mention what I'm planning for dinner or he might mention something for us to do together the following night. In this way, we have something to look forward to on our next night together. Then from 6:30 p.m. he goes to the other home.

I usually take these opportunities to get an early night's sleep. These are the nights I might put henna on my hair, do a little self-maintenance, and come up with all kinds of ideas for new posts for this blog, lol. The following day, he will usually pop in to see us during his day and later on, at 6:30 p.m. he is here for the night.

Now he is laying the ground rules, mashaa'Allah. These things have naturally been in place for me, but he is making sure they are established for Zainab as well, so we are all on the same page.

Here are some points that are relevant.

• Because he spent a lot of time away from us during the set-up phase of his new marriage, when he has some extra time in the day he spends it here to make up for the time gone, mashaa'Allah.
• Something delayed him at Zainab's and he didn't leave her until 6:40 p.m. three nights ago. The following day when I mentioned he needed to go as it was already 6:30 p.m., he said that he owed us ten minutes and didn't leave until 6:40 p.m, mashaa'Allah.
• When he was asked to drop Zainab at a friend's home, which would have meant he would have to leave us later in the night to pick her up again, he refused saying it wasn't fair, mashaa'Allah. We are not to ask for things that will take away from the other family's time with him.
• He has said that there are no casual phone calls to chat to him on the other wife's time. He is ensuring that our time and privacy with him are respected. For anything important, we can always send a text. A phone call is only warranted if it's an emergency.
• He plans nice things for our nights, and he's making sure I really enjoy my nights with him, mashaa'Allah.
• He is focusing on the children's needs, and making an effort to address them and provide fun, healthy, and beneficial activities for them, mashaa'Allah. 
• Just as the step-children stay with me for the whole day when he was with us the night before, so do they stay at Zainab's during the day when it was her night. 
• He is assessing everyone in the family to ensure we are all on a path for learning and improvement, mashaa'Allah, and setting a study plan for each of us.
• Knowing that he has a certain amount of money he has to spend on me, to be balanced with what he spends on Zainab, he makes a point to buy things that will be of benefit and suit my needs and priorities. This is not an easy thing, because I dislike materialism and having anything I don't need or use. Just this week, when I dropped my phone and it fell apart, he bought me a phone that matches his, with Quran, an Arabic/English dictionary, and Arabic texting capabilities, mashaa'Allah.

He is taking seriously the fairness and equality aspect so he doesn't meet Allah with one side dragging. It is living proof that if one follows the bounds set by Allah regarding polygyny, it can work for everyone.

Is he really trying to hurt you?

Bism Illah wa as salaam alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Time and again sisters raise the issue of the hurt involved in polygyny. They often consider their husbands to be oblivious or insensitive to their pain. However, I ask you to think about the man you are married to. Does he purposely try to hurt you? Does he revel in your pain and misery? Does he smile with glee when you show confused hurt and heartbreak? If you can answer no to those questions, then don't imagine it is any different for polygyny.

For those of you with children, when you had your first child and formed that incredible bond of love with them, could you ever conceive of hurting them? So, what happened when you decided to have a second child? Did that mean you no longer loved the first, or loved them less? Yes, having the second child will take time away from the first, but did you have the second child to hurt the first child and cause them misery? Surely, no. Allah guided you to make a decision to have more children. Allah blessed you with more children.

Just so, Allah guides a husband to have another wife. Just so, Allah writes who that other wife will be. Just so, Allah writes what lessons and benefit he, and you, will derive from that other wife.  It isn't done to hurt you; it is done as part of the Master Plan. Allah has sent this to him, just as much as He has sent it to you. Your husband is trying to find a way to follow what he is guided to, and also prevent your pain and reassure you of his love. It's not easy...  for anyone.

I could write more, but I want to get this post out. I wrote this in a comment on a different post (thanks, Umm Salwaa), but it deserves it's own space. It's not about what others do to you, it's about how you react. Allah sent it all and it's all to bring us to a better place in relation to Him. This is not exclusive to the wives! The husbands are taking on a lot, and it is not easy for them to cause pain and heartache to the woman they naturally want to protect from hurt and harm. Do you really think they would do it, and put you through it, if it wasn't clear to them from Allah?

Don't question the nature of creation, just take whatever comes and own it. Accept it as especially yours, from ALLAH not your husband, sent as a test and a blessing.

Disclaimer: This post is about the good, practicing, Allah-fearing husbands,  not the players who wouldn't know taqwa if it was the only word in the dictionary.

Why I'm Grateful to my Co-Wife

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Let me first say that I haven't met my co-wife yet. When that happens, inshaa'Allah I will  post about it. However, I want to address why I'm grateful to her. Her specifically? No. To any co-wife my husband chooses, as long as she is pleasing to Allah.

There many things a husband and wife learn about each other in a marriage. Some of those things, once learned, change how we view our spouse. Some may cause us to avoid certain situations or scenarios. Some may even give us an aversion to something.  Although they can be forgiven, mistakes, weaknesses, or serious actions disliked by Allah cannot be erased. A glass, once broken, cannot be put back together perfectly.

Over the years, some glasses have been broken in our relationship. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this is normal in any relationship. It may depend on personalities and the nature of the issues involved as to whether it has much affect on a marriage or not.  Is it a bad thing for glass to be broken? No, it is Allah's Qadr and comes to bring something to light that needs to be taken into account, or to change something in the relationship. Sometimes Allah reveals things to us, for our particular situation, so we are forewarned and can act accordingly. Knowing certain things about my husband enables me to approach him in ways specific to his situation and steer clear of certain situations that I know will be a fitnah.

My co-wife doesn't have any of that history. She may, inshaa'Allah, never know the things I know about our husband. She may, inshaa'Allah, never have the experiences I've had. No glasses are broken yet. Of course, some glasses will break...that is the nature of relationships. However, they may not be the same glasses that broke with me. With a fresh outlook, she will not have the inclination to avoid certain things or any aversions. She will give her all, innocently, without bad memories or previous knowledge to cause her to hold back. She will fill in the gaps, those I simply cannot fill. She will,  inshaa'Allah, welcome the side of my husband I don't welcome.  She will give him the things that are missing from me.

Now, I have a favorite supermarket (Wholefoods) and I prefer to shop there most of the time, but there are always some things I need that I cannot get from there. So I also go to Trader Joes to get the balance of the things I need. That's how I see all of this. Having a co-wife is pure benefit for me...because while he is happy with her and appreciative of what she gives him, he is also happy with me. Any resentment or disappointment he may have harbored for me because of me not fulfilling his every want, or not providing an environment for him to freely express certain sides of his personality, will be gone because he has those needs fulfilled now.

Because of my co-wife, my husband is happier. Because of her, my family has more structure in our daily schedule and his allocation of time. Because of her, my husband is nicer, more loving, and more appreciative of me. Because of her, he is more generous with us. He has a chance to miss the children and I. He has a chance to look forward to those things he loves in our home...and to see me in a whole new light. Because of her, the weight of raising two step-children is going to be lightened inshaa'Allah. And because of her, we will have more time to focus on what's important and making the most of our time, when my husband is home and when he is away.

In honesty, it isn't important for us to be great friends...it is just important that our husband reap the benefits that Allah has placed in her for him.