Answering a question my daughter posed about divorce...

 After explaining the last post about whether you can succeed in a marriage without love and trust, my daughter posed a question. She asked, "So, what would you consider to be a sign that you should get a divorce?" Here's my response.

I would know I had to seek a divorce if my spouse was actively trying to sabotage my success with Allah, azza wa jal. If I was doing everything in my power to please Allah, following everything that I outlined in my last post, and yet they were proving to be my enemy, and therefore, and enemy to Islam, that would be my sign. 

The other sign would be some clear indication from Allah following a prayer of istikhara or perhaps during tahajjud, where He, subhaanahu wa ta'ala, placed a clear thought or understanding in my mind and heart that it was time to move on. 

The thing that I stressed to her, and this is the most important aspect, is that IF Allah decrees for me to be divorced and I have been a faithful servant and wife, then Allah is providing a new beginning for me with sustenance and security. I am not stepping into an abyss, I am stepping on solid ground with Allah as my Mawlaa wa alhamdullillahi Rabb il aal ameen!

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha ila ant, astaghfirullah wa atoobu ilayk.

Can you Succeed in a Marriage without Love and Trust?

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

In a world without the Islamic viewpoint, a marriage that doesn't have love or trust between the spouses is on the road to discord, misery, and divorce. Why? Because love and trust are considered the foundations of the union. They must love each other deeply and manifest that love in their words and actions. They must be loyal to each other, faithful and honest. So, what happens when these things are missing? There is no foundation and the whole thing crumbles.

In a marriage based on Islam, one can find themselves disillusioned with their partner, unable to trust them, even mentally and emotionally abused by them, which kills whatever love and trust they had. So how can they stay in the marriage, and why? Because from an Islamic viewpoint, marriage is a means to an end. It is half of your deen. We are not told that marriage is a love story or a test of trust between the spouses as such. We are, however, told that the marriage must have love and trust. 

The mistake we make is thinking that the love and trust have to be for our spouse.  No. The love and trust must be for Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'ala! When you love and trust in Allah, you know what He decreed for you is best. You know that if you do what He commands you to do, you will succeed. You know that in fulfilling others' rights, in meeting your Allah-given responsibilities, in living your Islam and doing all you can from what Allah, azza wa jal, is pleased with and loves, you are on His Siraat al Mustaqeem. When you focus on all that, you will find that you can more easily avoid sins because you are working towards your goal, not sabotaging it. 

I don't often quote any songs, but I often think of the words, "Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I! I will survive! Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive..."  As long as I know how to love Allah! People may think they can hurt or break you, but when you're living for the love and trust of Allah, they are insignificant. You destroy their power to hurt you and you hold the power bi idhn Illah ta'ala. 

It's all about perspective. It's all about that ultimate goal and remaining strong, firm, and determined on your path with that singular and clear goal in sight. 

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika laa ilaaha il ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk

Together but Separate Lives?

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Some marriages have a dynamic, developed over time, where the couple lives together and interact as normal but neither knows what the other is doing, buying, planning. Often when children are involved, they are the carriers of news to the wife, with nothing coming directly from the husband or vice versa. Some might call this dysfunctional, because there is clearly a problem with communication and a lack of respect or love that leads to such a situation. But you can live your life, get on with things, live quite separate lives and yet live in harmony together having a pleasant family life. 

How, you ask? It's simple. Just do what you are supposed to do. Meet your responsibilities. Fulfill others' rights over you. Honor the amana (trust) Allah has placed in you in your various roles - be it a spouse, a parent, a sibling, an offspring. Hang on to your faraa'id and do them with the knowledge that they are pure benefit for your dunya and your aakhirah. If you can tunnel your focus to these specific things, you can not only function in such situations, you can also flourish bi idhn Illah ta'ala!

Subhaanaka Allahi wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha il ant, astaghfir Allahu wa atoobu ilayk

My Remedy for Stinking Thinking

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I go through thoughts of not wanting to do things. I actually blow it up in my mind, making the task, action, or responsibility bad, awful even. But then, I understand that the attitude is being fueled by shaytaan. He doesn't want me to succeed. He wants to corrupt my thinking and sabotage my rewards.

So, action number one is to say the isti'aadhah (seek refuge with Allah from shaytaan, the accursed).

Action number two is to say the du'a, 

يَا حَيُّ يَا قَيُّومُ بِرَحْمَتِكَ أَسْتَغِيثُ أَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ وَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

(O Ever-Living, O Eternal One, by Your mercy I seek help; rectify all my affairs and do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for the blink of an eye).

Action number three, I ask myself this question regarding the thing I'm having negative thoughts about:

"Will I go to Jennah?"

Subhaan Allah, how that question puts everything into perspective! Subhaan Allah! 

Now, you might be thinking, how can you ask that question? You can't answer it; only Allah can. Well, here's where I explain.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “If a woman prays her five prayers, fasts her month of Ramadan, guards her chastity, and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from any gate she wishes.”

Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Ibn Ḥibbān 4163

Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Arna’ut

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ إِذَا صَلَّتِ الْمَرْأَةُ خُمُسَهَا وَصَامَتْ شَهْرَهَا وَحَصَّنَتْ فَرْجَهَا وَأَطَاعَتْ بَعْلَهَا دَخَلَتْ مِنْ أَيِّ أَبْوَابِ الْجَنَّةِ شَاءَتْ

4163 صحيح ابن حبان

9/471 المحدث شعيب الأرناؤوط خلاصة حكم المحدث صحيح في تخريج صحيح ابن حبان

In addition, take any hadith you choose regarding fulfilling your amana (trust) with Allah, taking care of your flock, the good deed erasing the bad deed, the rewards for the good deeds, and that everything we do with sincerity and the right attitude that is pleasing to Allah is aiding our Jennah account. 

Now can you see how easy it is to ask myself that question? That simple little question puts everything back into perspective and I can see that a small, simple, perhaps even insignificant thing can move me a step closer to that ultimate goal. It even makes me assess whether the things I might miss in life and relationships are really important in the scheme of things. It opens my mind to how those things are blessings, things that I can be grateful for because they increase my tawakkal, my du'a, my love of Allah, and my turning to Him for everything.

I have even asked my husband on occasion, "Will I go to Jennah?" and he looks at me quizzically. Then I quote that hadith and say that I'm doing my faraa'id so is he pleased with me? Subhaan Allah, it is a motivation to meet and exceed! What seemed mundane and tiresome when looking through shaytaan-stained glasses becomes a bargain not to be missed! Allahu Akbar wa l'Illah il hamd! 

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 

Power and Strength

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I have been thinking about marriage, relationships in general, and all the difficulties they can entail. Some people are in such destructive relationships that they are forced to leave in the end. They can no longer take it, some final straw has been broken, or they are abused (emotionally, mentally, physically - take your pick) and it has become intolerable. The situation has controlled the outcome and they had to leave; it wasn't their decision. They leave weak and broken, like the knocked-out boxer being dragged out of the ring. They are drained, spent and have to rebuild themselves. Qadr Allahu wa maa shaa fa'al!

So what happens when Allah gives you strength, through His blessings of emaan and tawakkal? This strength is power. It enables you to look at the situation, assess it, and decide whether you will stay or go. It gives you the ability to make Allah's pleasure your goal, rise above many situations of the dunya, and see, find, or make the good in your situation. It takes strength to walk away from a situation, but it also takes strength to stay in it. There are people in difficult relationships that have the ability to stay or go. They can look at the pros and cons, keep their eye on the goal, and decide if they want to remain or leave because they have the fortitude to do both. 

I have come to view that strength as a very difficult and dangerous thing. It can hold someone in a relationship that isn't beneficial. It can lead to enabling the other person in the relationship because their strength allows them to tolerate things that otherwise would not be acceptable. And yet, it can be the most amazing example of sabr - patient perseverance - and may hold the best rewards. 

If you are blessed with that strength, don't take it for granted and think yourself sufficient to handle whatever comes your way. Remember that your strength lies with Allah, and Allah must always be turned to for continued guidance and clarity that what you are doing is right and best. The power and strength that Allah blessed you with only remains a blessing when you give Him full credit for it. Know that you can become helpless and weak if you don't turn to the One Who gave you that strength and seek His help and guidance in all your affairs.

Subhaanak, Allahumma wa bihamdik, laa illaaha illa Allah, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

 

Inability to Communicate - I Understand

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

This post might seem a bit odd, considering all the positive stuff of late, but it's just a testimony to one of many things you may experience or feel. 

Some marriages are close, with strong and open communication. Some are not. There are marriages and relationships where even when you ask to go for a walk to talk or make time for communication, you are shut down. You are not allowed to communicate or express your feelings, ideas, or concerns. Any glimmer of a conversation that might have criticism, a dislike of something, or trying to work through a disagreement is not entertained. You may feel frustrated, resentful, isolated, sick and stressed from having no outlet for your feelings, unheard, uncared for, or dehumanized...how about ticking the box for "all of the above"? 

I want you to know that I understand. You are not alone. Although this can drive you explode and have outbursts that have negative repercussions, quickly make istighfar. Allah is Al Ghafoor, Al Afuww, Ar-Raheem!

Please remember that this is a whopping big reminder that you must take the words you say in every rakaah of every prayer seriously. "Iyyaaka na'abudu wa iyyaaka nasta'een!" (You alone we worship and You alone we turn to for help!) You can always turn to Allah, He hears everything. He knows before you open your mouth! He knows you inside out and He never shuts the door on you when you reach out. He is perfect; relationships with human beings are not. Deepen your communication with Allah and He will make a way for you. 

Subhaanaka Allahumma laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 

 

All Coming Together

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

We wrapped up the 8 Steps to Happiness book maashaa Allah, and everything has come together with the precise perfection only Allah can orchestrate, subhaan Allah! 

The 8 steps are in a nutshell:

1. True belief and perform good deeds

2. Occupy yourself with beneficial activity and or beneficial knowledge

3. Remembrance of Allah and Thankfulness to Allah

4. Removing what brings sadness and seeking out happiness - living in the present

5. Imagining worst situations

6. Firmness of the heart and reliance on Allah (tawakkal)

7. Repelling evil with good

8. Enjoying moments of happiness

Well, by the time I read each step, I was doing it all and - subhaan Allah - I felt all the benefit of it alhamdulillah!

Then, up popped a little webinar from Haleh Al-Banani on the 5 Pillars of Marriage. I would not normally bother to look at such things, but I took the time to listen and make notes. Here are my notes.

Marriage is much more about working towards a goal than other things. I personally can't master pillar number 2, qadr Allah, but the rest are all there. Positive stuff, maashaa Allah!

So, I'm taking time out for me, and it is very beneficial. I'm making time to do khayr and it's just the most wonderful happy feeling. I'm putting Allah first, so my attitude and emaan can remain more constant, and I'm chugging along like the little train that could. Alhamdulillahi Rabb il aal ameen!

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdik, laa illaaha illa Allah, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Horrible Stuff

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, I lost myself again. Not the autopilot, disconnect I sometimes feel when I'm busy, but to a whole new level, wa audhu b'Illahi min ashaytaan irrajeem! 

I have been feeling lonely. I feel that nobody wants to know me, know how I feel, what I like, what I dislike, my struggles. I feel that everything is expected of me, and yet nobody sees that I am a human being with needs. I feel like everything falls on me. I have to make contact, reach out to others, make the effort, be proactive. I feel pressure upon me and despair under that pressure. 

Please take note that I keep saying, "I feel...". That means that there are people around me and in my life who love me, care about me as a person, and maybe even truly want to be part of my life and do things I enjoy. I just don't feel like there are. Astaghfirullah! I want to go for walks, I'm not going anywhere. I cannot even fathom how to get anyone to walk with me. Sad, but true, I feel like running away...to nowhere.  

Oh, I need to read my own blog! I need to not take it personally when other people's idea of love isn't the same as mine. I need to rationalize that people have their own lives and don't have time to focus on me or listen to me. I feel that I am not a priority to those I make my priority. Yes, I seriously need to read my own blog! But no man is an island and while I'm never alone with my Perfect and Precious Rabb to turn to, He Who knows me inside out, I feel lonely surrounded by family and friends. 

Anyone know this feeling? Well, I know I need to do things to set myself right. I just have to fight through to increase in my ibadah and turn to Allah. He is the one to set right my heart and mind, to set right my relationships. 

Inshaa Allah, I will post again with my progress on this. It's been going on for a long time, so when I find solutions, I'll share inshaa Allah. 

Much love!

Subhaan Allahi wa bihamdihi, laa illaaha ila Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

 

The Muslim Man - The Conflict Within

Bismillah wassalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

It appears to me that Muslim men, perhaps more so those who reverted and had relationships before Islam, have a conflict. They want the piety and beauty of an Islamic wife and family, but the base desires of sexual freedom and a woman like those on the street still exist. After all, the biggest jihad is against our nafs.

They want sexual excitement and spontaneity which dies a slow death with having a family. Pregnancy,babies, children,  etc. make acting on impulse and dressing to tempt and invite virtually impossible. Men have to repress their desires, do without. I'm not talking about actual intercourse, as a wife can be willing every day maashaa Allah, but the whole atmosphere and freedom of interaction is what they don't have. They may wish for the days before children came along, or yearn for the day when the children are all grown, to regain that free and impetuous sexuality.

A busy wife is a blessing, and a turn off. She doesn't have time for doting on her husband; other people and things take priority. So, while a man may understand and appreciate her ability to run the house, raise the children, and do all the extra she does, he is not getting what he wants/needs to feel satisfied. These are the biggest factors I see and have understood from my husband - polygany analyst and survivor - over the years, maashaa Allah.

Men have different tolerance levels and will handle the situation in a different way.  Most think they are too much man for one woman and seek other outlets. Problem is, for those who don't actually try polygany, they don't see the reality of it. Unless they take a childless woman who won't have any or a woman whose children are all grown, they will have the same exact situation with number two or three or four, as with number one as soon as they fall pregnant. They also don't have the chance to compare the women to see and appreciate those things in number one that subsequent wives lack.

Depending on how the man deals with his repressed feelings, he could be irritable, distant, withdrawn, or immerse himself in other activities - halaal or haraam. He will struggle with himself about his repressed feelings and will not want to admit that changes in his behavior are due to them...or justify his behavior due to them.

My husband, upon reading this, agreed that I have just about summed it up alhamdulillah! 

The Roadmap to Smiles

Bism Illah wa assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Ever try to please someone, seeking their smile? You do something you think they will like so they will be pleased with you and you can enjoy seeing their pleasure. Well, just have a quick look at the map and make sure you are taking the right route to their pleasure. You see, sometimes when you want to see appreciation in the form of thanks, smiles, or even gifts, you might compliment, joke, play a trick, or do an act of compliance for the sole purpose of pleasing specific people.

"Your wealth and your children are only a trial, whereas Allah, with Him is a great reward." At-Taghaabun 15

This is a subject that needs to be clarified to children, as they might mistakenly try different things to please parents, but remain disobedient to them, and consequently Allah. I was once told that someone wanted to please me and was doing a certain action to gain my approval. I had to say that what will please me and gain my approval was them pleasing Allah. Pleasing Allah entails obedience to parents, and obedience to parents is obedience to Allah, so whichever way they approach it they will succeed. However, they said that they can't see Allah's pleasure.

I realized, then, that not just children, but many adults just don't feel motivated or satisfied with the concept of obeying and pleasing Allah. They are seeking instant, visible or tactile gratification. They cannot make the connection that all the goodness and blessing that comes to them is from Allah; that it comes from obedience to their Creator.

However, Who gives His Creation the ability and inspiration to smile and give instant, visible, or tactile gratification to others? Who puts in the nature of His believers love and appreciation for the good? Who decrees whether and what you will receive? Know that there is no goodness that comes to you, except by Allah's Will. If you want goodness, smiles, beautiful relationships, love, then go to the One Who can make that happen and give them to you - check your map and set your route to Allah.

"Is there any reward for good other than good?" Ar-Rahman 60

Seek Allah's pleasure through obedience to Him and acts loved by Him; Allah will send you rewards far beyond thanks and a smile. He will send you thanks and smiles from His creation far more heartfelt and plentiful than those you seek, and you will have other blessings in this life, as well as a reward set aside for your aakhirah.

"For those who have done good is the best (reward) and even more..." Yunus 10 

So rather than focusing on pleasing your parents, children, husband, wife, relatives, and friends, focus on obeying and pleasing Allah and see what Allah sends you through it. There is no shaky ground in this, it is a guarantee from your Creator that He will reward your obedience with good.
 "If you lend to Allah a goodly loan He will double it for you, and Allah is most ready to appreciate and to reward, Most Forebearing" At Taghaabun 17

Du'a for Righteousness/Piety

Bismillah wa assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Allah gives us a du'a in the Qur'aan for righteous offspring (children). It is in Surat ul Ahqaaf, ayah 15 and it is this:

《 و اصلح لي في ذريتي إنى تبت إليك و إنى من المسلمين》

"And make my offspring righteous/pious, truly I have turned to You in repentance and truly I am one of the Muslims."

I have added to this for a few years now and ask each day for Allah to make not only my offspring righteous,  but also my husband - زوجي, my family - أسرتي,  my friends - صديقاتي, my heart - قلبي, my manners - أخلاقي, my niyyah - نيتي, my wealth - مالي, our hearts - قلوبنا, our wealth - مالنا, and our land - ارضنا. It is a beautiful du'a, from the perfect words of our Creator, alhamdulillah!

Just thinking...

that love born from desire is like a puddle - shallow and quick to evaporate in the heat of passion.

But love born from love of Allah and all He Loves, is like the ocean - fathomless. It gets deeper and deeper as our love of Allah grows, and fills the heart to near bursting. Al hamdul'Illahi Rabb il aal ameen!

To the Hurt, the Heartbroken

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Sometimes it is very hard to see clearly when you are hurt or heartbroken by someone. To be honest, only Allah knows the complete situation from both sides and if their treatment or behaviour is wrong.However, when you are hurt, think about what will heal the hurt. Think about how things could be set right and what it would need from the person/people who hurt you. Then make dua...for them. 

Never forget that the dua' of the oppressed has no shield between the person and Allah. Ask Allah to guide  them to be better, closer to the manners and ways of the Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa salaam. Ask Allah to make clear to them what He Loves and what He Hates and guide them to all that He Loves. Ask Allah to show them the errors of their ways and correct them. Ask Allah to put love, for His Sake, between you and them. Ask Allah to increase their taqwa and emaan and make them an excellent servant of Allah. Seek protection from the fitna of them and the situation for yourself and your family. Then pray for all of those things for yourself as well and for anyone else involved. If everyone pleases Allah, then hearts will heal and success will follow.

This isn't Islam at a basic level, this is Islam at its finest. This is praying for the one(s) who hurt you to become among Allah's best and most beloved servants. Of course, it is up to Allah to guide them or not, but you get even greater than what you wish for others and if they are guided they will see the truth of their behavior and mend the relationship with you, inshaa'Allah.

If you wonder whether I have done this, I can say that I most certainly have and continue to do it, even when my heart is virtually in pieces from the behavior towards me. Al hamdul'Illah, it has never caused me loss. I have faced, and do face, many deep hurts and heartbreaks from people, but I know that the only way to make things better and heal my own heart is for them to get better. May Allah help and guide us all - ameen.

Sticky Marital Stuff...When Hubby's Wrong and Trust is Gone

As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

In marriage, and relationships in general, I think many of us face situations where Allah does not guide us to walk away and yet we don't know how to cope with the situation well. The woman's perspective is different than the man's, particularly because of her role within the marriage relationship. Most certainly, us wives have many faults and sins of our own. The difference is that Allah has given men authority over women, hence if the husband faces such issues with his wife, he must correct them. But what about the times when our husbands give in to shaytaan's whispers? This may be in various forms, such as:

- doing something that is, at best, doubtful Islamically
- doing acts hated by Allah,
- being disobedient to Allah, or
- falling into major sin.

Many sisters struggle with their emotions and how to cope with  a husband (or anyone close to to them) whose errors, makrooh actions, or sins affect them deeply.

In these cases I have to separate myself.  In a nutshell, the part of me that loves a person truly for the sake of Allah, and is torn apart when they do wrong, becomes desensitized over time. A protective coating has built up over my heart and with every sin, the coating becomes thicker. A little of the love and respect may be diminished and it is replaced with hatred for the despised action(s) and an aversion to the person when they commit those deeds. It often leaves me dreading any repeat offenses. This is particularly difficult when the person involved is your husband.

It is reported that Sufyân Al-Thawrî – Allâh have mercy on him – said:

If you loved a man for Allâh and then he innovates in Islâm and you don’t hate him for it, you never [truly] loved him for Allâh.

Abû Nu’aym, Hilyatu Al-Awliyâ` 7:34.

I remember the words of Allah in the Quran, "You will not be asked of what they did." I separate myself, because I cannot cope with such close involvement - it hurts me. I also separate myself because I hate what Allah Hates. I do not want to fall into the same sin or to be one of those who supports another in their sin. I'm sure it sounds cold and not supportive, but if I don't look at it like that, then I cannot function.

As for day-to-day life, how do you think and conduct yourself when you have these strong, negative emotions? Try to continue with life as usual without saying anything. I say, "try" because I am not a person who easily disguises feelings, so it is an effort that may not completely succeed for many of us. Harping on the issues will cause a problem and you may be blamed. If you are at a stage where there is little point in any speech, ask Allah to rectify your affairs and show both you and your husband the truth of the situation and make a clear path for you to His pleasure.

All this horrible stuff in marriage is why I wrote Trust after Betrayal, Hold on to your Hijab and The Road to Healing Rifts, inshaa'Allah. Try very hard to smile and focus on all the positive things; there are still many of them. That is how you can still enjoy your life and relationship.

Remember, you have your own faults, failings, and sins. The negatives don't go anywhere...they are there and that is part of the test so don't expect things to ever be exactly the same. The more the person errs, the more the healthy heart is repulsed. It is impossible to feel the same about someone if, or when, they do what is hated by Allah.

It is quite sad because many couples have a wonderful relationship where they enjoy many interests and laugh a lot together, but there is always the "dark side" that undermines the respect and trust. Sisters, don't expect to be able to trust him in the things he has a failed track record in. Try to focus on those things you can trust him in. An outlook that can help with this is to hate the actions and the cause of the actions - shaytaan and his wicked whispers - not the person.

As I tell all the sisters, find a smile from somewhere and try to be happy within yourself... with Allah and without your husband. Then just behave that way while he is around as well. He doesn't need to know that he isn't the cause of your smile or contentment. Compartmentalize, if you can...and I'm not saying it is easy at all. Me finding my happy place with Allah is how I don't end up being cold and resentful when something in the relationship is ruined.

You can be pleasant, laughing, affectionate, but the damage that is done means that part is real and part is an act. Remember that the act isn't really for your husband, it is for Allah's pleasure and to fulfill your obligations as a wife.The more you dedicate yourself and your love to Allah, the easier it gets to find happiness and separate yourself from the less pleasant aspects. Never forget, for every action there is a reaction. If you are happy and contented, it will have a huge effect on your husband and home.

Here's my analogy of the day. What happens when you have an unwanted guest? You know, someone you struggle to allow into your space. If you give them a bad reception, you will make them feel  unwelcome, uncomfortable, unwanted, which usually brings out the worst in them. Whereas, if you give them a good reception, then you give them ease and, inshaa'Allah, bring out the best in them. Our husband's are our most important guests, even when they err. It is our job to try to bring out the best in them bi ithn Illah, ta'ala.

Sisters, you are not alone in these struggles. Although our husbands may all do different things, many sisters go through this in varying degrees and are seeking advice on how to cope.

May Allah guide and help us all - ameen!

Hold on to Your Hijab...

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Ever get the timing all wrong and express your feelings, only to receive a really negative reception? How about when it seems to get worse and worse, whether you stay quiet or try to speak?

Basically, shaytaan has set up a big fairground, with his army of shayaateen running the rides, between you and that person. Be it your husband, friend, relative, or employer, nothing can get through to them without going through the fairground of fitna and that rotten devil's interference.

These are times when, although you desperately want to communicate and try to garner understanding and positivity, you will not succeed. These are times when you have to hold on to your hijab (or perhaps kufi, LOL) and bide your time. Believe me, I'm writing this because I need to take my own advice, LOL.

You may write down your feelings, get into details about your perspective, and even try to make an objective list of pros and cons... or 70 excuses. However, instead of handing them over or pressing send on the e-mail, pray 2 rakat and sit down with that list and pour it out to The Therapist. Take it to Allah. Just doing that will ease your heart and mind. It also puts the whole situation over to the Only One Who has any control over it and any power to change it for the good.

Allah will not change your situation if you think you can handle it yourself...and wouldn't that be idiotic thinking anyway?

 Allah says: “Call upon Me. I will answer you.” [Sûrah Ghâfir: 60] 

So, call upon Him and let Him resolve the situation in the most perfect way; in a way you would never be able to in your lifetime. Don't delay in turning to Him, so He doesn't delay in answering...and remember, holding on to your hijab drives shaytaan crazy. Allah is with the patient...and shaytaan has to run.  By the time you've handed it over to Allah and exercised patience, shaytaan will have been forced to pack up and take his fairground somewhere else.

Polygyny - Behind Closed Doors

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah Wa Barkatuh.

This is a sensitive subject, but it is the biggest and hardest aspect to deal with for many women in polygyny - marital intimacy. I know that many women feel that they never want their husbands to touch them again once he's been with another woman. They struggle with feelings of diminished confidence, jealousy, suspicion that he is lying when he says he still wants them, and disgust. It can be even harder because, with polygyny, it is not a secret; he has legitimately taken another wife and is living with her for part of the time.

I'm sure some of you may have wondered how I handled this and if I went through those feelings. Most certainly some of those negative thoughts went through my mind, but I knew they were from shaytaan. I also avoid my own slanted interpretations of things. After all, if I have no reason to think I am undesirable or less in some way, then why on earth should I think it?

Certain factors will always play a big part in how the woman feels and how she copes. Much depends on how the husband handles the situation. He must make her feel especially wanted and desired to compensate for the fact that he is also enjoying someone else. He must make it his responsibility to ensure the existing wife/wives are well taken care of in this area.

However, a different approach can be taken to the whole subject. Women don't get married to be left hanging and frustrated. It is the husband's duty to keep his wife/wives fulfilled, regardless of his obligations to, and desires for, another wife. If a wife is left feeling frustrated or ignored, it could be a huge source of fitna and resentment of his other marriage. It is essential to eliminate all aspects that will sabotage positive thinking and success in polygynous situations.

So, rather than think to yourself, 'I don't want him to touch me now he's been with someone else,' think instead, 'I'm getting some of my marital rights from him.' For every night that you think he is pleasing her, ensure he pleases you on your night/time, inshaa'Allah. I'm sure it must seem quite a tough approach as opposed to the hurt and confidence shaken one, but it can work very well bi idhn Illah ta'ala.  Even if you imagine that your husband is having relations with his other wife on every one of her nights, exercising your marital rights on your nights gives you equal psychological footing.

As my husband so clearly stated on his blog, it doesn't go down well in polygyny for the man to be too tired or have a headache, LOL. From a female perspective, I think that most men think they are "too much man" for one woman and can always handle more, maashaa Allah. Just say to him, "Prove it." ;P

What Went Wrong?

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.


What is our purpose on this earth? 

وَمَا خَلَقْتُ الْجِنَّ وَالْإِنْسَ إِلَّا لِيَعْبُدُونِ

 And I did not create the Jinn and the mankind except for My worship. 

Quran 51:56

How does that apply to marriage, parenting, family, friendships, colleagues, and the world around us? In every one of these relationships, we must enter it with the intent to serve Allah and increase our emaan and taqwa through it. In every one of these relationships we must be encouraging and increasing worship and obedience to Allah. We must, foremost, enter into any and all things for the improvement, and as positive part of the development, of our worship of Allah.

It is reported that ‘Abdullâh b. ‘Abbâs – Allâh be pleased with him – said, “Love for Allâh and hate for Allâh, make your enmity because of Allâh and your allegiance because of Allâh; for indeed, the love and support of Allâh is not achieved save through this. And a man will never taste true faith (îmân) – though he may pray and fast much – except when he is like that. Today, the people’s brotherhood is based upon worldly considerations (dunyâ), but this will not do anything for them on the Day of Resurrection.”

Ibn Al-Mubârak, Al-Zuhd wa Al-Raqâ`iq article 353.

What happens when we enter into anything for our own reasons that go against what Allah and His Messenger (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) have given us as criteria? Things go wrong. They don't go wrong because they started out right in the first place and then lost Allah's Blessings. They go wrong because they were never right in the first place; they are simply following their course.

What is their course all about? Teaching us what happens when we don't do things with the right intention; when we don't do them to worship and draw closer to Allah, subhaana wa taala. Their course is a series of warnings, signs, lessons, and events that are meant to teach us that there is no success without putting Allah first.

When we embark on marriage with the wrong intention or mixed intentions, then we will see the results of that. That's why so many marriages fail. What about the marriages where one person had the right intention and the other didn't. Does it end up okay? Not usually.

It is reported that Sufyân Al-Thawrî – Allâh have mercy on him – said:

If you loved a man for Allâh and then he innovates in Islâm and you don’t hate him for it, you never [truly] loved him for Allâh.

Abû Nu’aym, Hilyatu Al-Awliyâ` 7:34.

Usually the marriage is not happy or successful. Usually, it is a blessing from Allah for the one with the right intention if the marriage ends. They are being protected from the companionship and fitna of someone insincere and misguided.

Yahyâ b. Yahyâ Al-NaysâbûrÎ reports:

I was once with Sufyân b. ‘Uyainah – Allah have mercy on him, when a man came to him and said, “O Abû Muhammad, I complain to you of so-and-so”, meaning his wife, “I am the lowest and most despicable thing to her.” [Sufyân] lowered his head for a few moments, then said, “Perhaps you wanted her in order to better your status.” The man said, “Indeed, o Abû Muhammad.” Sufyân said, “Whoever goes for glory will be tried with ignominy, whoever goes for wealth will be tried with poverty, but whoever goes for religiousness, Allah will bring together for him glory and wealth with the religion.” He then started to narrate to him:

We were four brothers: Muhammad, ‘Umrân, IbrâhÎm and I. Muhammad was the eldest, ‘Umrân was the youngest, and I was in the middle. When Muhammad wanted to marry, he desired status and married a woman of higher standing, so Allah tried him with ignominy. ‘Umrân desired wealth, so he married a richer woman and Allah tried him with poverty: [her family] took everything from him and gave him nothing.

I pondered their situation. Mu’ammar b. Râshid once came to us so I consulted him on the situation and told him the story of my brothers. He reminded me of the hadÎth of Yahyâ b. Ja’dah and the hadÎth of ‘Â`ishah. The hadÎth of Yahyâ b. Ja’dah states that the Prophet – Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him – said, “A woman is married for four things: her religion, her status (lineage), her wealth or her beauty; so take the religious one and be successful.” The hadÎth of ‘Â`ishah states that the Prophet – Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him – said, “The most blessed woman is she who is easiest to maintain.”

Thus, I chose [to marry a woman of] religion and modest dowry, in accordance with the Sunnah of Allah’s Messenger – Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him, and Allah gave me status and wealth along with the religion.

Abû Nu’aym, Hilyatu Al-Awliyâ` 7:289, 290.

Note
The first hadÎth is recorded by Al-BukhârÎ and Muslim. The second is found in Al-Nasâ`Î and other collections but has been graded weak by scholars including Shaykh Al-AlbânÎ. However, scholars point out there is another narration that supports and adds to its meaning. This hadÎth states:
It is from the blessing in a woman that she has an easy dowry, an easy proposal [via her guardian] and an easy womb (i.e. she is fertile and bares children without difficulty). One of the reporters of this narration, ‘Urwah, said “And I say from myself, one of the first signs of evil from a woman is for her to have a high dowry.”
This hadÎth is recorded by Imâm Ahmad and others and is graded hasan by Shaykh Al-AlbânÎ.

In some beautiful scenarios, the one with the wrong intention learns from the one with the right intention and the relationship becomes one of serious, and joyous, striving towards the pleasure of Allah. These are the occasions when we see that Allah Guides whom He wills and can turn a situation for the good. However, these are not situations one enters into knowingly, because there is no guarantee that Allah will turn the other's heart and mind; that may not be His will.

When people look at their problematic or failed marriages, relationships between parents and children,  friendships, and acquaintances, so many times we hear that question, "What went wrong?" So many times people harp on the question, seeking all manner of answers and solutions. However, the answer is as simple as that one ayah of Quran: we are here to worship Allah. What is worship of Allah? Believing in, following, and implementing His message and our perfect example, Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam).

If we put our own desires before the worship of Allah, then we are simply wasting our time and asking to be taught a lesson. Yes, we are human and we make mistakes; but we must learn from them and come to correct and sincere intention. Otherwise, eventually we may become of those who Allah leaves to their pleasure in this life to increase their punishment in the next, wa audhu b'Illahi min as-shaytaan ir-rajeem.

Now, when I hear that question, "What went wrong?" I think to myself, "Absolutely nothing."

All thanks and praise for Allah, our only hope for success in this life and eternity.

Love your Lemons!

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh!

Through Allah's Grace and Inspiration, I wrote this to a dear sister of mine recently and I felt it was worth sharing with others.

There is no doubt that we are all exactly where we are meant to be. It's up to us to accept Allah's Qadar gladly, or not. Keep on striving and never give up the dua'. If we follow Allah's Guidance and seek His pleasure, He will never fail his faithful servants. He always gives us exactly what we need, when we need it. 

This is an analogy...but apply it to your life situations and you will surely find a great deal of appreciation for His blessings.

Lemons are a beautiful fruit. Some may think them sour, but they have a unique taste, smell, and many uses. Make lemonade from every single lemon...and use the peels for deodorizing, cleaning stainless steel, in a pot of tea, a little of the zest in muffins or a cake, then dry the skins that are left to make potpourri.

Get the FULL BENEFIT from everything you are presented in life...so you can fully appreciate Allah's gifts.

A Joyful Reminder

As salaamu alaikum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh to all my dear sisters!

These are things I ponder on as I go about my day.

There are NO BATHROOMS TO CLEAN in Jennah
There are NO DISHES TO WASH in Jennah
There is no LAUNDRY or IRONING to do in Jennah
There are NO "What on earth shall I make for dinner?" moments in Jennah
There are NO BAD HAIR DAYS in Jennah
There is NO NEED FOR MAKEUP in Jennah
We will ALWAYS SMELL WONDERFUL in Jennah
We will NEVER HAVE TO PEE, POOP, or PUKE in Jennah
We will NEVER HAVE A SINGLE ISSUE ABOUT OUR BODIES OR APPEARANCE in Jennah
We will have the MOST DELICIOUS FOOD and NEVER HAVE TO PREPARE IT in Jennah
and....
We will NEVER HAVE A BAD THOUGHT, FEELING, EMOTION, OR EXPERIENCE in Jennah.

Those thoughts make me go about my daily chores GLADLY, and even make me drag myself up to go the extra mile to do special things for my family. It seems such a small and simple price to pay for such an UNBELIEVABLE reward.

I love you, sisters. Keep on trucking, bi ithn Allah!

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Feeling Unappreciated?

As salaamu alaikum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh!

Many Muslims tell me that they feel unappreciated. Sisters feel unappreciated by their husbands, children, parents. Brothers feel unappreciated by their wives, children, family, employer. Children feel unappreciated by their parents. Parents feel unappreciated by their children. Well, here's a viewpoint.

To feel unappreciated, you must be seeking the appreciation, thankfulness, gratefulness of PEOPLE, and they don't express it well enough for you.

As Muslims, we need to think about WHY we do things. Are we acting to get appreciation from those around us, or are we acting to fulfill our duty to Allah, subhaana wa taala, and earn His pleasure? Truly, can we ever feel unappreciated by Allah, azza wa jal? His reward system is overwhelming! His incentives for obeying Him are irresistable!

It is reported that Al-Fudayl b. ‘Ayyâd said:

If you can be unknown, be so; it doesn’t matter if you are not known and it doesn’t matter if you are not praised. It doesn’t matter if you are blameworthy according to people if you are praiseworthy with Allâh the Mighty and Majestic.

Al-Bayhaqî, Al-Zuhd Al-Kabîr p100.

Masha'Allah, I never feel unappreciated because I perform my acts to please Allah, as part of my "Jennah account". And I always try to show appreciation to others who are fulfilling their duties to Allah because I remember the hadith that the one who doesn't thank the people, hasn't thanked Allah. It ends up being a circle; I feel appreciated and I show appreciation.

Bottom line: do everything to earn Allah's pleasure alone, including giving thanks for all the good that is done for you. Then you will find that you are shown appreciation both from Allah and the people, insha'Allah.

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