Miscarriage #5

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaikum.

Seventeen months, 5 miscarriages wa alhamdu l'Illahi Rabb il aal ameen! Miscarriage #1 was in May 2008, and all thanks and appreciation to Allah, I said "al hamdu l'Illah" first, as soon as I heard the fetus was dead in there. I went home calmly, shed a few tears in hubby's arms - horribly fearful that those tears would indicate dissatisfaction with Allah's decree. Then I made taubah in case it was truly wrong to cry, and moved on.

I know, without a doubt, that everything that Allah sends me is out of Perfect Love and for my best end. I know that I need to accept gladly and learn from the experience or simply yearn for the reward for such pains and trials. By miscarriage number 3, I had read that those who bear with patience will be the envy of the shuhadaa on Yawm al Qiyama. I read that Allah has set a rank for each of us in Jennah and He sends trials and afflictions down on us to expiate our sins and assist us in achieving those ranks, which we otherwise would fall short of. Subhaan Allah wa bihamdihi, subhaana Rabbi al atheem! I said to my husband, " I don't care if I have 100 miscarriages if it gets me to my beautiful rank with Allah, azza wa jal." So when miscarriage number 4 rolled around, it was not only gladly taken, it was welcomed! And, as we learned that my thyroid was out of sync and was a serious factor in the miscarriages, I got that sorted out wa al hamdu l'Illah. So, here we are, just two months after the last miscarriage, and I'm knocked up again. I thought to myself that perhaps this would be okay now my thyroid is under control. However, I also know that at my age only 50% or so of my eggs are "good" so it's only half/half anyway, even in ideal conditions. Well, this was not the ideal and I'm bleeding it out as I type. I did start calculating to see how many years it would take for Allah to send me 100, LOL, but it may not come to that.

It certainly is a blessing though, because as with miscarriage #4, this too was going to prove a serious hindrance to me preparing to move and establishing ourselves in Madinah. Allah is the Most Perfect Planner, the Dearest of Deliverers of our Needs. I'm free of the physical drawbacks of pregnancy and I gain a reward for every cramp, every ache, and for bearing His Gift with gratefulness.

He even sent more Mercy to me. We were having guests today, so from early morning I was preparing food for the lunch and trying to organize and clean the house. Subhaan Allah, thunderstorms abounded! The guests called to say they would not come in such severe weather. Of course, the food was cooked and I continued to organize anyway, but I am having some real pain and I may not have put forth my usual bubbly self. As this would be the first time to meet a new sister, Allah has postponed it to a time when, bi ithn Allah, I will be back to myself. So, I'm off to check the laundry and clear another space, insha'Allah. Shukr Allah wa al hamdu l'Illah for miscarriage #5.