Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Polygyny: Allah's Reward in My Life

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, I am so happy with my new life I just have to say, "WHEE!" Since my time division began a couple of weeks ago, I have been enjoying that extra "me" time and more relaxation. With our school break upon us, Allah has opened up a new door for me that I'm calling, "The Socialization and Sisterhood Door." Having my free nights, means I can invite my friends over for the evening and have a really good time. Last night I invited a dear friend and her daughter to spend the evening. We had a little cooking class (bread dough) and made pizza and sweet rolls. We talked about things we never had time to touch on before. We were relaxed and unpressured...no men in the other sitting room asking for tea, dessert, or any of that. No problem if we laughed, shouted, or screamed. Pure, unadulterated, free, girly time!

Not only that, I was contacted by the most famous blogger in Madinah, mashaa'Allah, and today we female bloggers in Madinah are meeting for the first time at Masjid an Nabawi! I'm so excited that I have a batch of organic but super-fattening brownies in the oven right now to take to the event. Whee!

Friday my daughters and I are going for dinner at a friend's, who lives around the corner and next week I'm lining up a couple of other invitations for some girly gatherings, inshaa'Allah. I know this is just some maximization of fun during the school break, but it is so refreshing!

Even once we are back at school, I'll always have one night free each weekend to possibly do something fun. 
During the week, I'll be able to focus on my studies without so much distraction from the mundane chores and attending to other people's needs.

When I think of hubby still in the "getting to know you" stage with so many cultural differences and communication barriers in his other home, I realize that I'm the one who has it easy. Some sisters have commented that being polygyny is like being a girlfriend instead of a wife. Well, that's not exactly true because you are supported and live like a wife. What it really does is make you look forward to your time together and make much better use of it. You plan your time, more like lovers do, rather than just take everything for granted. It brings a newness and freshness to the relationship, and a whole new appreciation. A little bit of absence does make the heart grow fonder...because those annoying things aren't under your nose all the time. It's amazing how easy it is to only show your good side when you aren't under the magnifying glass every single day.

I think we women get so caught up in our families that we often neglect time for ourselves, our own friendships, the bonds of sisterhood, and the connections with family and new friends that we want to make. When we include that aspect in our lives, we are much healthier, happier, and satisfied. We rediscover a part of ourselves that is critical for our well being. I know that Allah sent polygyny to me because He knows I will benefit from it, and that I needed those benefits in my life. I feel like I've been given a huge gift, wa al hamdu l'Illah!  Believe me when I tell you that when you welcome whatever Allah sends to you, He rewards it with goodness and blessings, opening new doors that you might never have imagined.


  1. Assalamu Aleykum,

    MASHALLAH!Sister I really love the way you describe polyginy.You are right indeed, people spend too much time complaining about things they can't change.We should always be thankful to ALLAH SWT, as whatever HE has sent to us is right for us.
    I'm getting married soon INSHALLAH to a man who's already engaged, so I will have to cope with polyginy in a few year, and I really enjoy reading your blog as it gives me a really positive view on polyginy MASHALLAH.JazakALLAH Khair sister for all those reminders.

    May ALLAH SWT reward you for your efforts.Ameen.

  2. I do think as women we get so caught up in our families. Its so refreshing to hang out with good companions. I am sooo happy masha allah for you!!
    Who is the famous blogger in Madinah? I think its awesome you are meeting at Masjid Nabawi!!

  3. You really seem to be benefiting Alhumdulillah.

  4. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh Um Zakarya.

    Wa iyaaki, my sister. I'm so blessed and happy that you are finding benefit here!

    Mashaa'Allah, how exciting to be getting married soon! It is interesting that you are marrying soon and he's engaged to marry someone else after a couple of years. Do you know the other woman? Is it something arranged? In any case, it is a very beautiful thing that you will have some time with him to get established in the marriage before the second marriage takes place. It is so much easier when things are already in place, because the most unpleasant aspects of polygyny are the search and the unknown/unseen additional wife. Those things are already taken care of, so you really only have the adjustment of time division and, perhaps, building a relationship with your co-wife.

    Inshaa'Allah, your marriage will be a blessed and beautiful one, striving for Allah's pleasure and pleasing to him - ameen!

  5. Umm Salwaa: I met up with the author of the blog Al Miskeenah, which is nothing short of an amazing blog about Madinah with extensive photos and detailed information about it's history and development, mashaa'Allah. Yes, it was neat to meet at Masjid An-Nabawi, but it is a central and easy place to meet, mashaa'Allah. I had a lovely time and it was really lovely to meet new sisters with different backgrounds and nationalities. We had sisters from Australia, Austria, South Africa, Holland, England(me, lol), and a sister from France popped over to give salaams as well. Subhaan Allah - from all over the world, brought to this blessed place! I'm feeling VERY good, al hamdul'Illah.

  6. My dear Sweetlikechocolate,

    It is such a blessing, al hamdul'Illah. I feel like a whole new world of freedom, growth, and development is opening up for me! Allah is always the perfect provider of all needs.

    Jazaaki Allahu khayran.

  7. Oh! I know exactly who you are talking about. I wish I was there!!!

  8. You're a real inspiration to me sister Mai,may Allah reward you abundantly,aameen.

  9. dear sister,

    JazakALLAH khair for the kind wishes.
    Actually I'm a quite jealous and anxious sister, so I'm a bit scared of my own reactions once polyginy will become a reality.
    I don't know the sister at all.I just know she's 4 years younger than me, never married, and she's a medical student.Actually it's an arranged ( forced) engagement, so my future husband doesn't really know her either.He has only seen her once when he was at his future in laws.She popped in the guestroom by mistake, and ran away.They are pashtuns (Afghan/Pakistani ethnical group) so they have a lot of cultural traditions which are kinda hard to get for a revert.
    I happen to be the "chosen" white revert wife.My future hubby trusts me a lot, I'm his "secret keeper" and he often asks me for advices before making any decision MASHALLAH.
    ALHAMDULILLAH it is a blessing indeed to be able to spend some years alone with DH in order to build a strong relationship before he marries again INSHALLAH.
    To be truly honest, I have accepted Polyginy because I have chosen to marry this particular brother who is religious MASHALLAH and I couldn't imagine marrying anyone else.I'm adapting to the situation, and MASHALLAH my future DH often reminds of his other wife and how fair he will have to be INSHALLAH.I think it's easier when you know that you'll have a cowife before getting married.
    I'll be a regular reader INSHALLAH!

    Oh and sorry for my Broken English, I'm a French sister :) !

  10. Wa alaykum salaam wa rahmatuAllahi wa barakatu Mai dear! I'm so happy for you that you are happy about where you are in life mashaAllah tabarakAllah! You really are making the sweetest lemonade! And you're sharing the recipe :)

    I loved visiting Madinah and I would love to live there - maybe one day inshaAllah, you never know. The people seemed so at peace, it had none of the hustle and bustle of Makkah.

  11. Bilqees, my sweet sister!

    I hope things are going well in your world and that your are enjoying the benefits of your situation. When YOU tell me I'm an inspiration, then that's a big thing because you are living polygyny too. I pray that things just get better and better and you find more and more happiness from all that Allah sends you. BIG HUGS!

  12. Um Zakarya,

    Wa iyaaki, habibti. Don't worry, everything is part of a perfect plan for you...so trust in it and say al hamdul'Illah for everything that comes your way. When those negative thoughts come, seek refuge in Allah from shaytaan and think of the good. If you know it's all good for you and you are determined not to give shaytaan any satisfaction, then it really is as simple as that.

  13. Ahluul,

    Jazaaki Allahu khayran, my beautiful sister!
    I hope you like my lemonade recipe. Inshaa'Allah, if you try it you'll find it sweet and refreshing - ameen ;D

    If you ever find yourself coming to Madinah again, please let me know. There are many trials living here and it is not utopia, but truly it is a blessing to be here and there is sakina...as long as you aren't driving, lol. We are still enjoying the days before the Umrah groups return.

  14. Subhan'Allah, that really sounds so cool! My hubby has been travelling a lot lately and with several kids, its not much different when he's not around, only we all miss him in his absence. Recently my teen aged son (13 going on 20!) asked if Abbi would be home for dinner because he missed him when he's out - and my husband had just gone out for dinner with friends. I think home schooling has made us all alot closer Alhumdulillah - night time is no longer quick dinner and then ready for bed and school the next day, we have quality time through the week. My girlie days are at the home education gatherings we have - so the kids can "socialize" as do the moms, Masha'Allah. Home educating in Madinah must be amazing - teaching the Seerah where it happened must make it a wonderful experience for the children.

  15. Alhumdulilah that's great you sound like you're having an amazing time. I know I love my free time too.

  16. Yes, Umm Assad. Sometimes it takes something big to get us to finally get some of the things we need in our lives. It's amazing how little I manage to get done when my husband is home, even if he isn't actually doing anything with me or the family. Certainly I've missed having social life of my own. I feel so fulfilled now that I'm literally bouncing and bopping around the apartment, lol! It's like some shackles were removed and now I'm ready to party!

  17. Umm Shudah, yes mashaa'Allah it is quite easy to teach them Islamic history and seerah when everywhere we go there is some history. They learn from so many different sources, but subhaan Allah, when we go somewhere and it ties in with what they learned, they make all the connections so beautifully, mashaa'Allah.

    I know what you mean about homeschooling. You and your children become closer and there is scope for far more creativity in conversation and activities. Inshaa'Allah your husband will take care about not reducing the time he sees the children, especially as he is absent a lot due to his work already. A workable time division where he can see them every day when he's "home" will make all the difference to them.

  18. I don't understand why you can't enjoy an evening with other women without having to share your husband.
    I get girls nights, the hubby takes care of the kids,I go to a friends place or they come here and he takes the kids in the family room or for an outing.He understands that a woman needs time for herself and knows that I will show my appreciation.
    He then joins me in the bedroom not another woman!

  19. Do you think that you are where you are now with your feelings (happy) because of the way your husband has handled this polygamous marriage or do you think that it's because you have been dealing with polygamy - off and on - for several years now and have come to terms with it? Do you think you could be as calm and happy as you are now if this was the very first 2nd wife for your husband?

    The reason I ask is that I read somewhere that when a husband decides to be polygamous, the first wife goes through similar stages of grief as someone who loses a loved one through death. I can see how this might be true, because in many ways the monogamous marriage dies and the monogamous husband (or idea of a monogamous husband) no longer exists. Do you think this is true? Did you go through a grieving stage when your husband became polygamous the first time?

  20. @Anonymous, I can have an evening with my friends without having to share my husband. However it isn't something that can be orchestrated often and, frankly, it just isn't as relaxing for me. Don't forget, everyone's husband has to be free at the same time to watch the children. Here, weekends are often times where the brothers go for classes at the foot of a sheikh, have lectures to attend, and try to have some family time. The time that we try to set up to meet our friends may be the only time we have to spend together as a family. Then we are stuck choosing or postponing the friends. It isn't easy to coordinate on a regular basis.

    At the moment, we have discovered a park that we are going to each Thursday between dhuhr and asr prayer - about two hours. The sisters get to chat, the children get to play, and the men can hang out for a while and relax. After that, the brothers have a class to attend with their sons. It's a nice break, but we aren't just girls enjoying ourselves in the privacy of our home. We are out in public, fully covered, conducting ourselves with modesty. It is completely different being able to let our hair down and be able to do it enough so that it is just a healthy part of our life, not a rare and special treat that we only have in very small amounts.

    Please understand, I'm not telling anyone they have to share their husband to have fun and more freedom. I'm simply telling you one of the things I'm loving about it. The point is that what our Creator sends to us is beneficial to us. This is one of MY benefits.

  21. CM, I was happy and excited at the prospect of his first wife, it just didn't work out. However, while certain things were in place from the beginning, such as the time division, daily visits, etc. other things weren't well anticipated. I realized I'd have the same benefits from that marriage as I do with this one. They just didn't come to fruition the first time and a big mess ensued.

    I read about the grieving period, but I didn't really have it in the way the women described in the book. I went through something that I suppose was a watered-down version when the reality of the first marriage was upon me. I realized that certain things would never be the same. However, because I view everything that is put in my life as the best thing for me, the grieving period just couldn't find proper footing.

    Many of the circumstances - none of which are coincidences - had moved me to a place where I was almost trying to get rid of him by the time the first marriage came along. You will perhaps recall that he blogged about how he was meeting prospects online and ended up building a relationship with the first 2nd wife (lol, that sounds funny) that was totally outside of anything I considered right or respectable in Islam. Because he just wasn't in a good place with regard to his dealings with women and was rather moody, I was happy to offload some of that. Of course, there was also the aspect that he would be more fulfilled and so some of that moodiness and the online communication with women would end. For that reason, whenever he said he'd found someone, it was a relief.

    My grieving period wasn't when he took another wife, it was when I found out he wasn't the man I thought he was. It happened over the years of our marriage. Through the experiences he has had, and especially the first polygyny experience, he has learned and grown immensely, mashaa'Allah. The more he draws closer to Allah, the better he is and the more I respect him. He is, over the course of time and through his handling of our marriage and polygyny, reinventing himself for me in a good way.

  22. assalamu alaikum, you are truly an inspiration. Infact after i started reading your blogs I have absolutely stopped picking silly fights with my husband. Its nice to through some light upon polygyny in islam but I like your other posts better. I guessed it must be almiskeenah, how blessed one must be to be in company with someone who is so god fearing and knowledgeable. I started reading your blogs after I read your wonderful comments on almiskeenah, the one on the developements in mecca mashallah It was really a nice comment.Now I am a regular at your blog.

  23. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh Youshaka!

    Welcome, welcome, welcome! When you tell me that I brought you closer to Allah's pleasure, you give me such a great feeling of happiness.

    I, too, prefer my other posts. I am sort of stuck in a polygyny rut these days because there is such a need for positive, Allah-focused communication in this area. However, the core foundation of "me" is in my other posts. If it benefits, then al hamdul'Illah.

    I'm blessed to have you visiting me; jazaaki Allahu khayran!

  24. As salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

    Really this sounds marvelous, because my husband travels a lot I feel as if I am in a polygamous marriage. I can totally relate to what you are saying, and this is one of the reasons I would not mind if my husband took another wife or two.


  25. Sister Mai, regarding homeschooling/do you do this according to the Brit cur?

  26. Sweetlikechocolate: Not exactly, I am using U.S., British, and Islamic Curriculum all blended, mixed and matched. The math is a British curriculum because it was to a much higher standard, language arts I use both British and U.S., science comes from different websites and resources - again from both countries. We are aiming at letting them have a wide array of resources and very varied subject matter so they can follow their instincts and interests in the learning process.

  27. Ahhh, Umm AbdulKarim my twin, the sweetest smelling flower in my garden...

    Yes, it surely is marvelous wa al hamdul'Illah! So often we feel that something is missing, we get irritable, lack patience, etc. I have found that having more balance in my life and more of my own needs fulfilled (albeit ones I hadn't given importance to) has greatly changed my happiness and satisfaction levels...and in turn my attitude around the house.