Friday, March 25, 2011

Polygyny: Hubby's Monthly Progress Report.

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakath.

About a week ago, hubby asked for a polygyny progress report reflecting how I felt he was doing with our polygynous situation. He has asked that it be done monthly so he can keep on top of things and that it be submitted in writing, so he has a record to refer back to. I have copied it below, however I have edited it slightly so as not to give overly specific details about members of our family. It is not edited enough to change my points though.

Polgyny Progress Report #1
Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

All thanks and praise are for Allah, the most Perfect Provider of all our needs and our perfect Guide!

There are four aspects that I will address in this PPR: Relationship, Family, Islamic, and Practical.


Mashaa'Allah, you have done an excellent job of ensuring that I feel loved and appreciated. You have made an effort to make our time together enjoyable and of quality. The extra effort and affection has, in fact, made our relationship better than before, al hamdu l'Illah. Keep it up, please ;-D 


Although this is obviously an area that is harder to please everyone in, the effort you have made to spend a little time each day with the girls is helping. Most certainly one of the most important factors is that they see you every day. The morning school routine makes it far less like you are gone much. They are affected by it all, I see it in the way they ask if you are here when they wake up, when you are coming, if you will be having dinner. However, considering that the changes are inevitable, I think it is going well enough. I have made the effort to make our nights and dinners without "Daddy" special and incorporate the bedtime story into things so that they have more things to look forward in their routine. They are certainly happy when we do more family things, especially going to the park, shopping, masjid, and they are looking forward to the return of the istaraaha and beach trips, inshaa'Allah. I think the main things they look for are nice activities out of the house and being part of a happy family.

- Friday Family thing is okay, but it is not an outing of choice.


This has been an area where having someone in the family who needs to be taught certain basics has perhaps pushed you to closer adherence and growth in various Islamic areas, mashaa'Allah. It has been difficult to explain things to the children when there are contradictions within our family (e.g. differences in prayer, dress, etc.) However, inshaa'Allah this will all come  together in time and they will see how we all conform and unify in Islam as per the Quran and Sunnah.

Practical Issues:

I guess these are known perfectly well, but I'll document them anyway.

- Time for food shopping falls by the wayside and is inconsistent. The Friday Family thing interferes with the previous shopping arrangement. Need a top up for the household jar, so we can go to the supermarket over the road for necessities now and then, inshaa'Allah.

- The afternoon visit time isn't working as well at earlier on, and sometimes it doesn't seem balanced. For example, you came an hour late because last minute you dropped Zainab at her cousins. Perhaps it was made up by you being here on a night she was working, as I'm not keeping a track.

- The schedule is quite heavy and generally tiring, but I don't think there is much to be done about that with all that's going on.

- Zainab's job and your choice about her cooking makes things very unbalanced. Although I am grateful for the soft start for the girls in regards to having dinner with you and seeing you on more evenings, it isn't fair on the wives... When she is not working, there is no reason why your children couldn't go there after school and do their work on their netbooks. The structure and schedule for their homeschooling is not working well at all.

I understand that once Zainab stops working, then things will fall into place, inshaa'Allah. Inna Allaha ma'a as saabireen.

Barak Allahu feek wa fee usratanaa - ameen.

We discussed my comment about the Friday family outings. Hubby reminded me that they were established so we can get to know each other, build up a relationship, and be one big family. We have had five outings to date, the last three of which were at the park. However, the past four weeks we haven't had our Friday Family outing due to various circumstances.

It is amazing how easy it is to get comfortable not having those outings, especially as they take time for food preparation and need a great deal of mental effort to speak in Arabic. However, truly that is just shaytaan's whispers, as the more we get to know each other the better prepared we will be for living together on our land in the future inshaa'Allah.

I will post separately about the schedule because it is the biggest issue we have in all of this and looks just a big bowl of spaghetti at the moment. However, he already realized the food shopping issue and set new time slots for that...which for unforeseen circumstances these past two weeks haven't worked either, LOL. Since the progress report, hubby is now taking the children at change-over time and cooking on the evenings that he is at Zainab's. Also, he has freed up two of his nights during the week that were for Arabic classes, so Tuesday or Wednesday, regardless of whether Zainab is working, he will be able to take them there as usual.

So, inshaa'Allah this monthly exercise will be an excellent way to open up channels of communication on any problems that need to be addressed and what's going well. I'm taking notes of the beauty and the glitches in the programme, so let's see what next month's will bring, inshaa'Allah!


  1. @ Mai: At least we got some of the food shopping done today, lol.

  2. Masha Allah! Wow! Your husband has a hectic schedule. For the brothers that do not fear Allah, I see why they start to be unjust. I think they have good intentions but some of them become burned out. May Allah help you and your family to stay upon the straight path, And make it easy for your husband to fulfill all of rights on his family. Ameen.

  3. Mai, ma sha Allah tabaarak Allah! I don't know how you do it. But I really appreciate your presence on the blogosphere and all that you share with us. I find your posts so insightful and refreshing. Jazakillahu khayra!!!

  4. Masha'Allah, sis. This is a great way to continually see tangible progress within your marriage. It says a lot about your husband's ability to take criticism and ensure improvement, masha'Allah tabaruk Allahu feekum. I'm wondering if he had any requests/suggestions for the wives on how you guys could make things smoother? I'm always looking for ideas on how to make things easier for hubs. I second Umm Salwaa and Fruitful Fusion's dua's. Ameen.

  5. @1Family2wives:

    Yes, habibi...and after the 2nd shopping shift this afternoon, I have finally been able to throw that list away!

    Jazaak Allahu khayr. You should be reaping the benefits of your time and patience by dinnertime tomorrow, inshaa'Allah. LOL

  6. Umm Salwa, ameen to your dua'.

    Yes, I think that with things really moving as they are, my husband was quite right...he really doesn't have time for much else!

  7. My dear Fruitful sister, barak Illahu feeki, wa iyaaki. It's nice to know I'm appreciated for blabbering away in cyberspace, lol!

  8. Umm Hamzah, me too - Ameen! Hubby doesn't suggest anything to us to make things smoother. He came up with the master plan/schedule so that things could work for everyone inshaa'Allah. When it needs to be tweaked, he does the necessary. Al hamdu l'Illah, it is very beneficial for him as he has consistent feedback to promote his own self assessment and development.

  9. @ Mai: I hope we're having something delicious!

  10. what was your husband's decision re. Zainab's cooking?

  11. @Anonymous

    On the evenings that Zainab was working and not home at the changeover time, hubby opted to eat dinner with us instead of having her cook and leave something for them to eat over there. Don't misunderstand, she did do that sometimes, but then hubby thought it would be nicer for the children if we took the opportunity to eat together as a family as much as possible. It seemed more beneficial than him going over there with his children and them eating dinner by themselves. After all, Zainab was working most weeknights.

    This, however, meant that I ended up cooking for 6 most nights so I wasn't getting my "cooking vacation" LOL. Also, I felt it was important that Zainab keep her home and family taken care of - important for her own sense of belonging and building up their own family relationship.

  12. What work does Zainab do? Isn't it unusual for women to work (at night) in Saudi?

  13. She works in a ladies beauty salon and, no, shops open from around 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. or later here, so it's not very unusual. It is the time between dhuhr and asr that most places are closed.

  14. May Allah bless you and family for showing a family trying to ascribe the Quran and Sunnah as much as possible. Also I learned from this example that the women can expressed their view of a situation. And just because she may observe room for improvement, it doesn't mean she is ungrateful. May Allah make you all better than you appear Ameen!