Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
This post might seem a bit odd, considering all the positive stuff of late, but it's just a testimony to one of many things you may experience or feel.
Some marriages are close, with strong and open communication. Some are not. There are marriages and relationships where even when you ask to go for a walk to talk or make time for communication, you are shut down. You are not allowed to communicate or express your feelings, ideas, or concerns. Any glimmer of a conversation that might have criticism, a dislike of something, or trying to work through a disagreement is not entertained. You may feel frustrated, resentful, isolated, sick and stressed from having no outlet for your feelings, unheard, uncared for, or dehumanized...how about ticking the box for "all of the above"?
I want you to know that I understand. You are not alone. Although this can drive you explode and have outbursts that have negative repercussions, quickly make istighfar. Allah is Al Ghafoor, Al Afuww, Ar-Raheem!
Please remember that this is a whopping big reminder that you must take the words you say in every rakaah of every prayer seriously. "Iyyaaka na'abudu wa iyyaaka nasta'een!" (You alone we worship and You alone we turn to for help!) You can always turn to Allah, He hears everything. He knows before you open your mouth! He knows you inside out and He never shuts the door on you when you reach out. He is perfect; relationships with human beings are not. Deepen your communication with Allah and He will make a way for you.
Subhaanaka Allahumma laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.
Stonewalling is such a common male habit (I've known women who do it as well, but it's been my observation that it's more often found among men). It can feel like torture to those of us who were born to communicate, who value openness and clarity.
ReplyDeleteI want to recount here a habit I've developed over the past year or so, in the hope it might benefit someone, inshaallah.
It's always, always my impulse to share my feelings, good, bad or otherwise. And it hurts when no one wants to hear them. Keeping them to myself has usually meant they'll come pouring out at the most inopportune time. I try to save them for tahajud and it helps to know I'll have that peaceful outlet. But the method I've adopted in addition to this that's made a world of difference is this: at the same time every day I write out my feelings, concerns, anything I wish I could discuss. I just dump it all on the page (I set a 15 minute timer, but I guess that's not really necessary). After that, I pray two rakaat. Over time, my desperate need to discuss issues and share my feelings with a person has receded. Sometimes the issues I wanted to discuss, the complaints I had just don't seem like problems anymore. Other times they remain, but I feel more comfortable leaving them because I've "handed them over," so to speak.
In addition, making it a daily habit has sort of trained my brain to expect my big feelings and concerns at the same time each day. In this way they don't sneak up on me and I'm less likely to unload at the wrong time.
Making dua for you always, dear sister, and I'm ever grateful for what you share here. The khayr you've spread lately has started a chain reaction of goodness, may Allah reward you
Ahh, see maashaa Allah, your journaling and prayer is exactly the taking to Allah that I'm talking about! It's a very strong and effective strategy maashaa Allah and may many benefit from you sharing. Jazaak Illahu khayr!
DeleteIt's interesting, I don't journal (maybe because I have a blog, lol) but I do have a pink book and notes on my phone. Often my thoughts on various things that happen will bring me to a key point that I will note down so I can expand on it. Subhaan Allah, this just reminded me of one I noted down a few days ago. Alhamdulillah, I am so grateful for your du'a and for your responses. You, too, are in my du'a and I look forward to spending an eternity with you in the best place Allah could bless us with!