Polygyny: Would I ?

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Over the years, polygyny has played a role in my life in many ways. When I was a single Muslimah, I had several proposals for polygyny and have witnessed polygyny attempts... and failures. One might think that with my attitude towards it, I might have been a willing candidate for polygyny.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I always looked at it with the questions:

What is the benefit for him?
What is the benefit for me?
What is the benefit for his family?
What are the losses for him?
What are the losses for me?
What are the losses for his family?
Does his wife want it? Does she accept and agree to it?
How does he plan to practice it?
Can he afford it?
Do we have similar goals?
Is he forward thinking regarding safeguarding our future and our goals collectively as a family?
Does he have genuine reasons for wanting to marry me?
What is his religious understanding and practice?

Believe me, there are plenty of other questions I could ask but I never even got past the first six or seven. Usually, I didn't even get past the first two! Needless to say, I didn't accept those polygynous proposals. In fact, in each case the first thing I asked the brother was, "What about your wife?" I will not be the one to hurt his wife, take time and resources away from his children, and ruin the simplicity of being one happy family unit. I'm not the party crasher. I'm not the one to squeeze a sixth person in a five-passenger car and cause discomfort for everyone on the journey.

I'm sure this sounds funny when I am in polygyny and have welcomed, or at worst case, accepted it into my life as a blessing and a test from Allah. However, there is a big difference between being a first wife where polygyny is imposed on you, and to be unmarried and make a conscious decision to enter into polygyny. The former entails having Allah send life changes and tests to you and facing them. The latter entails looking at  a prospective situation, its pros and cons, and choosing it.

So,  I wondered to myself, under what circumstances would I enter into polygyny? Before everything else, I would need to be in a situation where I needed to married...and where polygyny could work well or better than monogamy. Perhaps if I were widowed, needing support and stability for my children or to keep us in a certain place (like here in Madinah) it would become an option. Obviously there would need to be a great benefit to our Islam, with sound understanding and in depth knowledge. At my stage of life and deen, the only way to respect and obey a man is for him to have serious focus, obedience to, and worship of Allah.

So, if all this is in place, what's left? His wife. She must know me, understand me, love me, and actually want me in her life and family. She must be so satisfied with me that she would trust me to raise her children if something should happen to her. How's that for a tall order, LOL?

Now before anyone jumps up and argues, I know that the existing wife doesn't have to agree to polygyny. I know that she doesn't have to like me or be friends. I know that she doesn't even have to get to know me. This isn't about any Islamic requirements; this is about me and my heart and what I can live with. I cannot live with the guilt and fitna of marrying someone at the expense of others. I don't want to be another woman's heart wrenching test or unpleasant, lifetime burden. That makes for a wounded family. I will not expose my children to that and I will not accept that distraction from my deen and worship bi ithn Illah, taala.

I know what the implications of polygyny are. Basically, the first wife has to include and be affected for the rest of her life, by another woman who she never chose to share with, or even be friends with in many cases. The existence of that person in her family means that nothing is the same. Her marriage and marital intimacy is altered forever. There is no freedom to go on vacations without paying the price of time and money for someone else. Everything is on a schedule, restricted by time division and having to always be considerate of someone else. Everything is more complicated, more tiring, and sadly, less pleasant. It is a enormous and painful test for most women.

Marriage is supposed to be forever and it is meant to be one big family, on the same page, striving for the same goals, functioning in their respective roles, happy together and loving each other... for the sake of Allah. Sound too good, too ideal? Well, it isn't really; it will always have it's tests and trials. However, I've seen too much and been through too much to willingly settle for anything less that that.

May Allah bless us all abundantly, shower His soothing mercy on us, and make our good intentions a reality - ameen.

Don't Climb Every Mountain

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.


Ever feel like you had loads of big ambitions and don't know where to start? How about when you try to take on so many different things that you are overwhelmed by them all? Of course, there are always people who take on many things and believe they can do them all, and more. This all is relative to a person's ability and, more importantly, Allah's Will. However, what I have learned over the years is that people who try to climb every mountain, or a whole load of very big mountains, end up leaving a trail of broken promises and unfinished plans behind them. There is perfect truth in the sayings, "Something's got to give," and "Everything has a price." In the life of a believer, it must never cost them their deen.

I have made a point to be real with the people around me, my children, and myself. For example, if my children ask me to do a certain activity or make something, I think about the value or benefit it will have. I consider if it will please Allah, if it will draw us closer to Him, enhance our understanding, or improve our practice of Islam. Is it an attraction to, or a detraction from, Allah? If it is a healthy, beneficial activity, I will tell them what the chances are of us doing it and what variables (particular circumstances) need to be in place for it to happen. Sometimes is is as simple as them finishing their school work in good time, sometimes is is dependent on me finishing something or us completing chores. Sometimes it will require us to wait until we've gotten the things we need to do it. Sometimes it is something that simply doesn't draw us closer to Allah or benefit us enough to be worth it and then I say no, citing my reasons.

With friends, I may say it depends on my resources or my ability. Basically, I tell others that I will do what they want IF it isn't a distraction from Allah, IF Allah wills it, and IF I have what is needed for it. In all cases,  in the matter of a few seconds I assess the value of the task and it's price in my life and then make a decision.

When it comes to bigger things, I consider that if I died today, would I have been focusing on the right things? At least, now, I can say that I am actively focusing on the betterment of my deen, mashaa'Allah. My school is for my deen, not any other purpose, mashaa'Allah. My methods of child-raising are for Allah's pleasure in us all, inshaa'Allah. My care of my family and lifestyle are structured to adhere to Islam as well as possible, bi ithn Illah. Even my future plans are all to increase my emaan, tawakkal, and taqwa and that of my children, inshaa'Allah. I'm not doing wonderfully, but al hamdul'Illah, I can live with it and it is a seed to grow from, bi ithn Illah.

When I went to college a few years ago, it was to learn about education and how to raise and teach my children well, inshaa'Allah. However, when it came to me transferring to university to complete my teaching degree, I stopped. Not because it was too hard, but because it wasn't focusing on the right things. It wasn't for the improvement of my deen and it wouldn't help me fulfill my duties to Allah and my family. It would have been an obstacle - a mountain I was not willing to climb.

When you are considering your life, your goals, your future plans think about the various mountains around you. Then assess which mountains you should climb.

- If it takes you away from your primary purpose of living to worship Allah, say goodbye.

- If it distracts you from what's important in the Eyes of Allah and His Messenger (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam), say goodbye.

- If it keeps you so busy, you cannot find dedicated time every day to learn and grow in Islam and understand and memorize Quran, say goodbye.

- If it fills your mind or life with fitna, say goodbye.

- It it is for worldly gain, at the expense of fulfilling your obligations to your family and the Ummah, say goodbye.

We take on things that complicate our lives and distract us from our purpose in this life: worship of Allah.

Simplify. 

Don't climb every mountain; look at the mountains whose peaks get you closest to Allah and set your sights on those. All the other mountains will become, just as we are told in the Qur'an, like fluffy wool, unable to raise you to any beautiful heights.

Hold on to Your Hijab...

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Ever get the timing all wrong and express your feelings, only to receive a really negative reception? How about when it seems to get worse and worse, whether you stay quiet or try to speak?

Basically, shaytaan has set up a big fairground, with his army of shayaateen running the rides, between you and that person. Be it your husband, friend, relative, or employer, nothing can get through to them without going through the fairground of fitna and that rotten devil's interference.

These are times when, although you desperately want to communicate and try to garner understanding and positivity, you will not succeed. These are times when you have to hold on to your hijab (or perhaps kufi, LOL) and bide your time. Believe me, I'm writing this because I need to take my own advice, LOL.

You may write down your feelings, get into details about your perspective, and even try to make an objective list of pros and cons... or 70 excuses. However, instead of handing them over or pressing send on the e-mail, pray 2 rakat and sit down with that list and pour it out to your therapist. Take it to Allah. Just doing that will ease your heart and mind. It also puts the whole situation over to the Only One Who has any control over it and any power to change it for the good.

Allah will not change your situation if you think you can handle it yourself...and wouldn't that be idiotic thinking anyway?

 Allah says: “Call upon Me. I will answer you.” [Sûrah Ghâfir: 60] 

So, call upon Him and let Him resolve the situation in the most perfect way; in a way you would never be able to in your lifetime. Don't delay in turning to Him, so He doesn't delay in answering...and remember, holding on to your hijab drives shaytaan crazy. Allah is with the patient...and shaytaan has to run.  By the time you've handed it over to Allah and exercised patience, shaytaan will have been forced to pack up and take his fairground somewhere else.

Eternal Beauty

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

Beauty is such an interesting thing: the outer beauty and the inner beauty. Even the nicest looking person doesn't look lovely if they don't love Allah and have a clean heart. Clean hearts and pure intentions shine from faces like a beautiful illumination. The smiles of those with inner beauty are irresistible to all like souls, they emanate and meet with gleaming smiles. While our outer beauty lies with what Allah has decreed for us, our inner beauty makes us more beloved to people than the most beautiful exterior. The clean heart loves the clean heart...and that's what the believers see in each other.

If you wish to be eternally beautiful, rectify your heart. This is a short but excellent e-book on this matter:  How to Rectify your Heart by Shk. Abdul Islaam Saalih bin Taaha Abdul Waahid.


So many of you I have never met, never seen...but our hearts speak to each other and our smiles reach each other all over the world.  May our hearts be a source of light on Yawm Al Qiyama - ameen.

Polygyny - Behind Closed Doors

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah Wa Barkatuh.

This is a sensitive subject, but it is the biggest and hardest aspect to deal with for many women in polygyny - marital intimacy. I know that many women feel that they never want their husbands to touch them again once he's been with another woman. They struggle with feelings of diminished confidence, jealousy, suspicion that he is lying when he says he still wants them, and disgust. It can be even harder because, with polygyny, it is not a secret; he has legitimately taken another wife and is living with her for part of the time.

I'm sure some of you may have wondered how I handled this and if I went through those feelings. Most certainly some of those negative thoughts went through my mind, but I knew they were from shaytaan. I also avoid my own slanted interpretations of things. After all, if I have no reason to think I am undesirable or less in some way, then why on earth should I think it?

Certain factors will always play a big part in how the woman feels and how she copes. Much depends on how the husband handles the situation. He must make her feel especially wanted and desired to compensate for the fact that he is also enjoying someone else. He must make it his responsibility to ensure the existing wife/wives are well taken care of in this area.

However, a different approach can be taken to the whole subject. Women don't get married to be left hanging and frustrated. It is the husband's duty to keep his wife/wives fulfilled, regardless of his obligations to, and desires for, another wife. If a wife is left feeling frustrated or ignored, it could be a huge source of fitna and resentment of his other marriage. It is essential to eliminate all aspects that will sabotage positive thinking and success in polygynous situations.

So, rather than think to yourself, 'I don't want him to touch me now he's been with someone else,' think instead, 'I'm getting some of my marital rights from him.' For every night that you think he is pleasing her, ensure he pleases you on your night/time, inshaa'Allah. I'm sure it must seem quite a tough approach as opposed to the hurt and confidence shaken one, but it can work very well bi idhn Illah ta'ala.  Even if you imagine that your husband is having relations with his other wife on every one of her nights, exercising your marital rights on your nights gives you equal psychological footing.

As my husband so clearly stated on his blog, it doesn't go down well in polygyny for the man to be too tired or have a headache, LOL. From a female perspective, I think that most men think they are "too much man" for one woman and can always handle more, maashaa Allah. Just say to him, "Prove it." ;P

What Went Wrong?

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.


What is our purpose on this earth? 

وَمَا خَلَقْتُ الْجِنَّ وَالْإِنْسَ إِلَّا لِيَعْبُدُونِ

 And I did not create the Jinn and the mankind except for My worship. 

Quran 51:56

How does that apply to marriage, parenting, family, friendships, colleagues, and the world around us? In every one of these relationships, we must enter it with the intent to serve Allah and increase our emaan and taqwa through it. In every one of these relationships we must be encouraging and increasing worship and obedience to Allah. We must, foremost, enter into any and all things for the improvement, and as positive part of the development, of our worship of Allah.

It is reported that ‘Abdullâh b. ‘Abbâs – Allâh be pleased with him – said, “Love for Allâh and hate for Allâh, make your enmity because of Allâh and your allegiance because of Allâh; for indeed, the love and support of Allâh is not achieved save through this. And a man will never taste true faith (îmân) – though he may pray and fast much – except when he is like that. Today, the people’s brotherhood is based upon worldly considerations (dunyâ), but this will not do anything for them on the Day of Resurrection.”

Ibn Al-Mubârak, Al-Zuhd wa Al-Raqâ`iq article 353.

What happens when we enter into anything for our own reasons that go against what Allah and His Messenger (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) have given us as criteria? Things go wrong. They don't go wrong because they started out right in the first place and then lost Allah's Blessings. They go wrong because they were never right in the first place; they are simply following their course.

What is their course all about? Teaching us what happens when we don't do things with the right intention; when we don't do them to worship and draw closer to Allah, subhaana wa taala. Their course is a series of warnings, signs, lessons, and events that are meant to teach us that there is no success without putting Allah first.

When we embark on marriage with the wrong intention or mixed intentions, then we will see the results of that. That's why so many marriages fail. What about the marriages where one person had the right intention and the other didn't. Does it end up okay? Not usually.

It is reported that Sufyân Al-Thawrî – Allâh have mercy on him – said:

If you loved a man for Allâh and then he innovates in Islâm and you don’t hate him for it, you never [truly] loved him for Allâh.

Abû Nu’aym, Hilyatu Al-Awliyâ` 7:34.

Usually the marriage is not happy or successful. Usually, it is a blessing from Allah for the one with the right intention if the marriage ends. They are being protected from the companionship and fitna of someone insincere and misguided.

Yahyâ b. Yahyâ Al-NaysâbûrÎ reports:

I was once with Sufyân b. ‘Uyainah – Allah have mercy on him, when a man came to him and said, “O Abû Muhammad, I complain to you of so-and-so”, meaning his wife, “I am the lowest and most despicable thing to her.” [Sufyân] lowered his head for a few moments, then said, “Perhaps you wanted her in order to better your status.” The man said, “Indeed, o Abû Muhammad.” Sufyân said, “Whoever goes for glory will be tried with ignominy, whoever goes for wealth will be tried with poverty, but whoever goes for religiousness, Allah will bring together for him glory and wealth with the religion.” He then started to narrate to him:

We were four brothers: Muhammad, ‘Umrân, IbrâhÎm and I. Muhammad was the eldest, ‘Umrân was the youngest, and I was in the middle. When Muhammad wanted to marry, he desired status and married a woman of higher standing, so Allah tried him with ignominy. ‘Umrân desired wealth, so he married a richer woman and Allah tried him with poverty: [her family] took everything from him and gave him nothing.

I pondered their situation. Mu’ammar b. Râshid once came to us so I consulted him on the situation and told him the story of my brothers. He reminded me of the hadÎth of Yahyâ b. Ja’dah and the hadÎth of ‘Â`ishah. The hadÎth of Yahyâ b. Ja’dah states that the Prophet – Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him – said, “A woman is married for four things: her religion, her status (lineage), her wealth or her beauty; so take the religious one and be successful.” The hadÎth of ‘Â`ishah states that the Prophet – Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him – said, “The most blessed woman is she who is easiest to maintain.”

Thus, I chose [to marry a woman of] religion and modest dowry, in accordance with the Sunnah of Allah’s Messenger – Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him, and Allah gave me status and wealth along with the religion.

Abû Nu’aym, Hilyatu Al-Awliyâ` 7:289, 290.

Note
The first hadÎth is recorded by Al-BukhârÎ and Muslim. The second is found in Al-Nasâ`Î and other collections but has been graded weak by scholars including Shaykh Al-AlbânÎ. However, scholars point out there is another narration that supports and adds to its meaning. This hadÎth states:
It is from the blessing in a woman that she has an easy dowry, an easy proposal [via her guardian] and an easy womb (i.e. she is fertile and bares children without difficulty). One of the reporters of this narration, ‘Urwah, said “And I say from myself, one of the first signs of evil from a woman is for her to have a high dowry.”
This hadÎth is recorded by Imâm Ahmad and others and is graded hasan by Shaykh Al-AlbânÎ.

In some beautiful scenarios, the one with the wrong intention learns from the one with the right intention and the relationship becomes one of serious, and joyous, striving towards the pleasure of Allah. These are the occasions when we see that Allah Guides whom He wills and can turn a situation for the good. However, these are not situations one enters into knowingly, because there is no guarantee that Allah will turn the other's heart and mind; that may not be His will.

When people look at their problematic or failed marriages, relationships between parents and children,  friendships, and acquaintances, so many times we hear that question, "What went wrong?" So many times people harp on the question, seeking all manner of answers and solutions. However, the answer is as simple as that one ayah of Quran: we are here to worship Allah. What is worship of Allah? Believing in, following, and implementing His message and our perfect example, Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam).

If we put our own desires before the worship of Allah, then we are simply wasting our time and asking to be taught a lesson. Yes, we are human and we make mistakes; but we must learn from them and come to correct and sincere intention. Otherwise, eventually we may become of those who Allah leaves to their pleasure in this life to increase their punishment in the next, wa audhu b'Illahi min as-shaytaan ir-rajeem.

Now, when I hear that question, "What went wrong?" I think to myself, "Absolutely nothing."

All thanks and praise for Allah, our only hope for success in this life and eternity.