Identifying My Mistake

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I kept replaying the sentence in my mind: "I feel that I am not a priority to those I make my priority." Then, as I was driving this morning it all came together clearly.  

I spent the day before telling a sister that she needed to take care of herself. That she would not be able to take care of her family if she wasn't maintaining herself. I even quoted the Qur'aan, where Allah says in Surat Tahreem to "save yourself and your family from the fire that is fueled by men and stones." He, subhaanahu wa ta'ala, tells us to save ourselves first and then our families. 

I have been taking steps to help myself, such as going to the doctor with a long list of years' long issues. I started physical therapy for 2 years of hip pain, 4 years of knee pain, and 19 years of carpal tunnel pain. How's that for not taking care of myself, just putting up with stress and pain? How's that for not honoring the body Allah blessed and entrusted me with, and yet running myself into the ground to try to take care of others? All these years of serving everyone else, of trying to please others at my own expense, of putting up with one niggling health issue after another, have turned my body into a tight, knotted up repository for stress and tension.

Yesterday, I enrolled in a program to fix another health condition that I've had for around 10 years, with the clear intention of taking care of my needs and addressing another stressor.  I'm taking time to do my PT exercises and stretches each day. I haven't been for my walks, still haven't done my daily time in the sunshine, but I'm still finding my way to taking the steps.

There has been a subtle change in my home since I started going for PT appointments and making time for my healing and wellbeing. Others have done more to help, alhamdulillah. They have perhaps seen me as an individual, rather than just a good old dependable part of the family. 

So then, what was my mistake?  I don't need to be a high priority to others, and I can still make others my priority. However, I need to be a top priority to myself.

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdihi, laa ilaaha illaa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Step after Step after Step

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, I haven't walked since the Taking the Steps post a few days ago, but Allah has sent me so much walhamdulillah!

Sunday's class was Step 2 in the 8 Steps to Happiness book and it said occupy yourself with beneficial activities and knowledge. Well teaching sisters how to bake bread and walking for my health and wellbeing are beneficial activities, alhamdulillah, and reading the book is beneficial knowledge. In any case, after disgraceful procrastination I read some Qur'aan after my adhkaar this morning. A step to happiness indeed!

A package arrived in the mail from my dear friend with a gift...of a lavender candle and SOCKS! Maashaa Allah, 5 pairs of adorable warm and woolly socks that just scream at me, "Go on, Mai, take those steps, go for those walks!" No coincidences here, Allah is clearly sending me messages of what I need and the equipment to do it. Subhaan Allahi wa bihamdihi, subhaan Allah il atheem!

I need to sit outside in the sunshine for 10-15 minutes each day. I will be working on that next, in conjunction with increasing my Qur'aan reading and recitation. Plans that aren't overwhelming and that I know will make me feel better bi idhn Illah ta'ala.

I'm prepping for Ramadhaan - going back to Shk Uthaymeen's Daily Sittings again this year and answering the daily Ramadhaan questions I did for my children years ago and posted on this blog inshaa Allah. 

Steps, and plans for steps - may Allah give me and all of us the success that lies with Him Alone - ameen.

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa illaaha illa Allah, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Taking the steps...

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I finally went for a walk this morning and immediately started pondering how I had shut myself off from so much over the past couple of years. I was thinking I'd walk down the long lane beside our land, but once I got to the gate, I realized that I had no reason to walk outside of our land, maashaa Allah. It was crazy. We have 51 acres of land that I could take a walk on, not having to bother about cars driving by or wearing proper hijab or being far away if I was needed back at the house, and this was the first time I'd done it. Subhaan Allah, every time I take a step, make an effort to do something, Allah blesses me with so much! 

I walked around and saw things around the farm, snow-capped mountains to the west, smokey low mountains to the north, indescribable clouds in rows with a rainbow sherbet sunrise making itself seen below them and thought about how much I was missing of all Allah has given me to appreciate and be in awe of. How will I appreciate more if I don't expose myself to it, if I don't take the step and open my eyes to it? 

I remembered how my walks alone helped me to work through things and give myself time to unearth all the deep-down thoughts and emotions that have been swept under the rug for years and need to be addressed. I thought of friendships that seemed so imbalanced that I could no longer sustain them and just thought to myself, "Let it go. Make du'a, love them from afar, and let.it.go." 

Allah is opening my mind to reason and letting reason govern my reactions and emotions. It's a process, but one that I can clearly implement and work through inshaa Allah. So many times I feel hurt by something that, if the situation was reversed, I would not consider it hurtful. That thought alone is freeing! Just looking at it from a different perspective changes the whole picture. In turn, it releases stress and unreasonable emotional expectations. If others are simply doing their thing, so can I. I just have to keep taking my own steps.

So, my advice of the day to anyone who needs it is to take your own steps to what will help you and let Allah leave you awestruck!

Subhaan Allahi wa bihamdihi, laa illaaha ilaa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Allah's Response to my Horrible Stuff

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, after actually writing about my feelings and reaching out to Allah for His Help, here is the series of events He sent me. 

From others:

My eldest daughter did some things to help me around the house and started talking to me, having conversations throughout the day, maashaa Allah.

My dear friend in Minnesota contacted me, making du'a and telling me she was sending me something she hoped would brighten my day. Allahumma Baarik alayhaa daa'iman wa jazaaha Allahu khayr!

Another sister who recently contacted me, contacted me again and made the most beautiful du'a for the resolution of my struggles - Allahumma Baarik alayhaa daa'iman wa jazaaha Allahu khayr!

In me:

I thought to myself, obedience to Allah increases emaan and I need to make the effort to change things, take steps towards others, do more of what I love (giving, helping, good deeds) in order to feel better and improve my situation. I am naturally an introvert, so reaching out to others isn't the easiest thing for me, but the first step is usually the hardest and, in this case, it just got easier and easier from there, alhamdulillah.

So, I contacted one sister and offered some ideas to relieve her pain. Then I offered up my Sunday morning to teach sisters in our community how to bake bread and resume our Sunday Islamic Studies classes. I found hard copies of the last book we studied and ordered the last 4 I could find to gift the sisters. I offered to gift copies of the book we were going to start to any sisters in our community who would like one.  I was feeling better already. I even cleaned up and tidied because the sisters were coming and then felt happier about the state of our home. 

The baking went beautifully, a new skill that will inshaa Allah benefit them and their families for generations to come! 

Now, about the class...

The book we started is 8 Steps to Happiness - Awakening the Inner Self in Pursuit of Personal Change by Shaykh Abu Abdu-r-Rahman Nasir as-Sa'di (may Allah shower His Mercy upon him). 

So, guess what Chapter One said? It said happiness comes from having emaan and yaqeen in Allah and doing good deeds! Allahu Akbar! You see the complete circle? I reached out and tried to do more good deeds to feel better, increase my emaan, and then Allah told me that was exactly what would bring me happiness! Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar, wa l'Illah il Hamd! Ooh, how I'm looking forward to next Sunday's class and teaching the sisters how to make sandwich bread, bi idhn Illah ta'ala!

One of the sisters brought me a gift, these adorable socks, Allahumma Baarik alayha wa jazaaha Allahu khayr! Inshaa Allah these socks are made for walking, and I'll get outside soon and just enjoy a walk on my own.

I started fasting on Monday and will continue for ayaam il abeedh through Thursday inshaa Allah...and I will patiently persevere taking my steps towards Allah so He, Al-Wadood, runs to me. 

Much, much, much love to you all!

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdihi, laa illaaha ilaa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Horrible Stuff

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, I lost myself again. Not the autopilot, disconnect I sometimes feel when I'm busy, but to a whole new level, wa audhu b'Illahi min ashaytaan irrajeem! 

I have been feeling lonely. I feel that nobody wants to know me, know how I feel, what I like, what I dislike, my struggles. I feel that everything is expected of me, and yet nobody sees that I am a human being with needs. I feel like everything falls on me. I have to make contact, reach out to others, make the effort, be proactive. I feel pressure upon me and despair under that pressure. 

Please take note that I keep saying, "I feel...". That means that there are people around me and in my life who love me, care about me as a person, and maybe even truly want to be part of my life and do things I enjoy. I just don't feel like there are. Astaghfirullah! I want to go for walks, I'm not going anywhere. I cannot even fathom how to get anyone to walk with me. Sad, but true, I feel like running away...to nowhere.  

Oh, I need to read my own blog! I need to not take it personally when other people's idea of love isn't the same as mine. I need to rationalize that people have their own lives and don't have time to focus on me or listen to me. I feel that I am not a priority to those I make my priority. Yes, I seriously need to read my own blog! But no man is an island and while I'm never alone with my Perfect and Precious Rabb to turn to, He Who knows me inside out, I feel lonely surrounded by family and friends. 

Anyone know this feeling? Well, I know I need to do things to set myself right. I just have to fight through to increase in my ibadah and turn to Allah. He is the one to set right my heart and mind, to set right my relationships. 

Inshaa Allah, I will post again with my progress on this. It's been going on for a long time, so when I find solutions, I'll share inshaa Allah. 

Much love!

Subhaan Allahi wa bihamdihi, laa illaaha ila Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

 

Forgiveness!

 As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh!

A dear sister just sent me a message, asking me to forgive her for a comment she made over 11 years ago. Oh, how I love this sister! Oh, how I feel that total connection to her! Why? Because I sit and mull over all sorts of things that I am sorry for, that I make istighfar for, and that I seek forgiveness for. I worry that I've hurt or upset people, I constantly fear that I didn't say or do the best thing. Needless to say, I apologize a lot and make istighfar a lot. 

I went through so much when I responded to her 11 years ago, trying to be thorough but not displeasing to Allah in my manners. And even now, looking back, I worry that I didn't respond in the best way. So, to this dear sister, and to every sister who has ever asked for my forgiveness, I ask you to forgive me.

We are all human, we are all imperfect, and subhaan Allah, we struggle through SO MANY TESTS every day! Forgive before anyone can even ask. Make istighfar and seek forgiveness to clear your heart and mind. Then just keep on trucking, doing what you can to please Allah.

I seriously need this blog. Life gets me busy, I let so much distract me, but Allah Knows I need to share my struggles and thoughts again. Inshaa Allah this is the push I needed.

Much love to you all.

Subhaan Allahi wa bi hamdihi, laa illaaha ila Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.