Monday, December 27, 2010

Polygyny - Why Sacrifice?

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

My thoughts are developing, based on my own experiences and through reading and responding to others facing polygyny. Something came to my mind that is very important - the sacrifice that women and the children of polgyny have to make, and why.

When a man enters into polygyny, even when he is in the search process, the existing wife has to give up some of her time with him. He may spend hours searching, then "communicating," then preparing, and then dividing up the time between the existing family and the new wife. The children also have to give up some time, some involvement. There is no comparison between the time invested in the children in one household, and the time invested between two, especially as there will be more children to divide time between. He will also be dividing his money between two households. He took your pie and cut it in half, or thirds, or even quarters, giving the other half to another woman/women.

Many beautiful sisters out there have the right mindset and intentions and accept polygyny, desiring their husbands happiness, to successfully implement a Sunnah, and the pleasure of Allah. However, there will be times when they will stare at it and see a stark reality that they are sacrificing a lot for the sake of their husband and his desires. At times it will appear, with the help of shaytaan, that the husband is getting a really good deal because he gets what he wants but the existing wife is left with loss, pain, insecurity, and shaytaan happily and firmly attached to her ear.

Often we wives sacrifice to safeguard the husband's Islam, to prevent him from haraam, because he is driven to pursue his desires or cannot be satisfied with what he has.  When I look at it from a certain light, it seems that we women who sacrifice so much to support their husbands in polygyny, out of love, are much stronger. After all, we don't turn their lives upside down chasing after our desires and finding solutions to our weaknesses. We sacrifice because we look at the greater goal of Jennah; we see it as yet another test. For the polygyny chasing men, they get caught up with the dunya, by way of their desires and urges for the zeena of this life - women, children, wealth, etc. - and they must satisfy much of that desire to be able to get past it and focus on Jennah.

So where does that leave us wives? I believe that polgyny is sent to very special women; those that Allah wants to test strongly in order to increase their emaan, taqwa, tawakkal, and ibadah and purify their hearts. I believe that it is sent as a means to raise their ranks in Jennah and as an opportunity to be amongst the muqarraboon, the forerunners closest to Allah, in the aakhirah. We know that Allah tests those He loves, and for such a great test, there must be great love.

Jâbir b. `Abd Allah al-Ansârî relates that he heard Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said three days before his death: "None of you should ever die except while assuming the best about Allah." [Sahîh Muslim (5125)]
Ibn al-Qayyim says: There can be no doubt that assuming the best about Allah only comes as a result of righteous conduct. It is the righteous person who assumes the best about his Lord, since he knows that Allah will reward him for his good deeds and will never break His promise.
I want to be with the muqarraboon, and I begged Allah many years ago to make me an excellent person, so I take the tests and know with certainty that Allah is sending them to make me even more beloved to Him. No question, the tests are very difficult at times, but greatly blessed!


  1. Salaam... Thank you so much for this post. It is hard at times knowing that I will be sharing my husband. I feel selfish and want to scream at times..haha Inshallah, Allah will grant me the patience and acceptance to keep my comments and temper in "check". Awesome blog... I will be checking it all out... :)

  2. Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

    Subhanallah sis, excellent reminder. This really made me smile, may Allah reward you, Ameen. What a way to look at the positive side of polygyny.

  3. As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh First Wife and Lateefah!

    What a huge gift to know you both smiled at this! That smile is really gratitude to Allah and opens the door to His Pleasure and His Infinite Blessings and Mercy.

    Others may think we are in a sad situation, but truly we are the lucky ones because the biggest tests get the biggest rewards. When things get hard and shaytaan is in full force, never forget to turn to Allah and beg Him to make you one of the Muqarraboon! Inshaa'Allah, we will sit together on those jeweled thrones, bangles up our arms, in the green silk and brocade gowns, basking in the light of Allah's Countenance - ameen! BIG HUGS to you both!

  4. Yah Allah... Yah Allah... Yah Rabb!!!

  5. Pingy, what's wrong? Are you having a heart attack? Should I call 911 from my magicjack? Pingy, I'm thousands of miles away! I cannot do CPR from this distance! Don't type, scream for help!

  6. Salam Alaykum Mai Mai... Pingpong... i missed you all.... this one i get totally.. and it is not a sad situation to be in.. truly it can be testing but also so lovely.. in so many ways...

    hmm.. if i could choose two co-wives lol! as it but go with me.. it would be mai and pingpong.. beautiful nature.. in very different characters masha'Allah..

    mai i rang a couple of times.. insha'Allah you are yours are doing well..

  7. ughh! i meant 'as if'.. not 'as it'

  8. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh Minty my beloved!

    You have no idea how many times I daydream of my "co-wife dream team" LOL! Ahhh, yet another reason to strive for enjoy each other's company there, inshaa'Allah.

    As for my phone, I got the messages through the e-mail, but I couldn't get the sound to work on my computer. Then I hooked it up to the desktop but I plugged the phone into the wrong outlet and fried it. Fried plastic isn't as tasty as felafel or battered shrimp, let me tell you! So, now hubby has given me this little headset thing to plug into the magicjack, but I've yet to do it. I'll try to get technical with it all tomorrow and see if we can't actually speak words to each other rather than just type them, lol!

  9. Beautiful post, may we all pass the trials we are put through in life and may they be a means of strengthening our Iman. Ameen

  10. Sweetlikechocolate - jazaaki Allahu khayran wa AMEEN!

  11. Assalamualaikum sister, I make du'a you are given forebearance and patience in these trying times. Please, life is short, our duty is to worship Allah, so put any hurtful thoughts, if any, aside for the time being... Dont despair, because syaitan will come and whisper in the hearts of people who despair. Life is easy, and everything which comes to a mukmim is good, because Allah have decreed yaasin if you still feel that your heart is heavy..

    Read as much as you can, especially about religion, dont digress from your goal for jannah....I love to hear lectures by shaikh hamza yusuf, perhaps you can google him and listen to him in youtube...his lectures are good, and it has benefited me, perhaps it will bring you some benefits as well....

    I wish I could send you a hug...but my du'a is the only thing I can give you right in Allah, and have yakin (certainty), do lots of zhikr because calamity could not befall a heart full of zhikr....Lots of love sister...

    ma salama

  12. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh, and jazaaki Allahu khayran my dear Anonymous.

    I trust TOTALLY in Allah, mashaa'Allah. I know that everything He sends is for my betterment. That makes it not only bearable, but something I actually smile about.

    May Allah reward you for your kindness and support. Much love to you, too.

  13. assalaam alaikum... i have been following your blog for about 1 week now. alhamdulilah, another beautiful, benefical post. barakAllahu feeki.

  14. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh Israh!

    Welcome and jazaaki Allahu khayran. I keep asking Allah to use me to benefit others, so if it benefits then it is Allah sent...and my dua' are answered, al hamdu l'Illah. Feeki barak Allah wa fee hayaatiki, ukhti!

  15. Salam Alaykum, dear Mai..
    I just read some of your post, and I love you already..
    HUGS.. i will defenitely follow this blog.

    wa salam

  16. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh Rialive,

    Subhaan Allah, I can FEEL your love! May the one for Whom you love me, love you even more - ameen. Tight, tight hugs for you, too!

  17. those who are content with what they have been given are always better off than those who desire more, even though they may seem to have the "better deal"

  18. @Anonymous
    Exactly. Ridaa, being content with what Allah has decreed for one, is the most blessed thing and leaves hearts in peace and in Allah's pleasure, blessings, and reward!