Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Reasons to Welcome Polygyny

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh

Women are flowers: all different with varying smells, colors, shapes, and properties. 
All are beautiful; all are uniquely special. 
Men like bouquets.

What would you prefer? A peaceful life with a pleasant, loving husband who is satisfied and happy, or a life with a man who is dissatisfied and looking at women surreptitiously with yearning? Even worse, perhaps taking out his resentment and frustrations on you and the family?

Seven years ago, when my husband told me he wanted to marry because he couldn't lower his gaze, I was disgusted. I didn't want to know that he was such a weak person and I felt it a personal hurt, because I had just had our first baby. He explained that he wasn't trying to hurt me; that it was all about him. I went through a whole self-critique, acknowledging my faults and my strengths and in the end I acknowledged that it really was his own issue. This past year, I finally wrote a post about not taking it personally, which puts that into perspective.

After that, I picked up on his glances in the rearview mirror at uncovered women we passed on the street. They didn't have anything different from me, aside from the fact that their bodies were on display for all to see and mine was under an abaya. I knew, without a doubt that it doesn't matter if you are a supermodel, most men will never be satisfied. Allah told us in Suran Ali Imran:

(Beautified for men is the love of things they covet; women, children, vaulted hoards of gold...) [3:14].  

How true Allah's words are! So, my viewpoint became one of "let him covet."

When I thought about it more, I realized that there were three things that are much more important to me than the life adjustments that polygyny entails.

One: I would rather he do something halal than bring haram into our home and lives. That would just be a spiral to hell, literally. I won't invite shaytaan into my home, and to keep him away I have to strive to get rid of all fitna. If that means encouraging him to take another wife so he will not be inclined to commit zina, then so be it.That is what I call Real Love.

Two: I cannot stand living with someone who is unhappy, resentful, and unsatisfied. That equates to moodiness, nit-picking, and fitna-filled atmospheres that thrill shaytaan. That has a negative effect on our whole family and the peace in our home. If taking on another wife, household, set of bills, and marital communications would make him a pleasure to be with on a daily basis, then "Wife number 2, come on down!" Of course, this also means praying for a good one, so we won't face fitnah. It also means praying for it to happen in a halal way, pleasing to Allah, so the union will be blessed and there won't be a drawn out waiting period or the fitna and haraam elements of searching.

Three: If I support my husband in getting what he wants in a halal way, while trusting in Allah and aiming to please him, I will be a better wife and he will appreciate me more.

In a nutshell, I want him to go ahead and "fulfill his dream" if it is necessary for the children and I to continue to have a peaceful, happy life pleasing to Allah, not shaytaan.

As for the confidence aspect, although it does tend to make us feel like there is something wrong with us, I know that it isn't me. I have confidence in myself, in regards to obeying my Rabb and in my person. In that regard, I wrote the post "Where does our confidence come from?" My husband does not define my worth, nor is he able to make me happy. Only Allah (subhaana wa taala) and I, through my actions, can do those things. Do I feel worthless or insignificant in his life? No. We have gone through this past 8 years, accomplishing a great deal and growing closer to Allah and each other through our struggles. We have established something that won't simply disappear if, or when, he gets a different model.

As for worrying about whether the subsequent wife will be a source of goodness or fitnah, truly if I am obedient to my Rabb and put all my trust in Him, I will never worry about such things. If a prospect comes up and I'm informed about it, I say alhamdul'Illah. I know that if it is good for us, Allah will facilitate it and if it isn't, He won't. Currently, we are monogamous again. We have come a long way, and much has changed due to our past experiences and spiritual growth, Qadr Allah. But if polygyny comes along again, it will simply be part of Allah's Perfect Plan. Something to draw us closer to Him, and to trust in Him totally about.

No Backbiting Disclaimer: I talked with my husband prior to writing this post. He knows what I am disclosing about him, has confirmed it is fine, and is not offended.  He also reads my blog ; D


  1. salaam alaikum

    Such a great attitude you have mashaAllah. It seems you are finally at peace with his decision and I ask Allah that he finds his second wife in a halal way and that he fills your heart with love and happiness. Now, as for him continuing to glance at uncovered women, this is something he needs to work on. He could try fasting, staying away from environments where women are uncovered etc. Im also wondering if he is going to be content with just 2 wives? If he has a wandering eye and has difficulty lowering his gaze he should work on that first before taking a second wife. I know i wouldnt want to marry a brother who has trouble controlling his gaze. Im sure he is wonderful but I really believe he needs to work on that issue first before taking on another wife.
    Its easy for us women to blame ourselves when our husbands are unable to control their desires or decide to take another wife. It has nothign to do with us but with them. So long as the brother who is looking for another wife is not doing it just because its the sunnah (there are many sunnahs one can follow, no need to just pick and choose), and is able to support another wife and be fair to both than inshaAllah those brothers should take another wife. However, most are unable to support more than one, or treat them fairly and do it for the wrong reasons (sexual gratification etc). Polygamy is allowed in islam but is not encouraged.

  2. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh Rene.
    Oops! Sorry, I forgot to specify when I said that we had come a long way, that the lowering the gaze is is no longer a big issue or the driving force, anymore. It is even less of an issue as we now live in Madinah, lol! Truly Allah answers all those who sincerely call upon Him.

    My husband has learned the hard way that there is much more to polygyny than simply having another woman. Over these years, his understanding, criteria, and purpose has changed drastically, mashaa'Allah. All I can say is that when Allah sends you tests and signs, make sure you learn from them! That is what makes it ALL GOOD!

  3. RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT!!! ..right from the start! Absolutely... no contest!!! Who can argue with any of this?! I'm gonna "bookmark" this one so I can read it every day as part of my daily routine... lol THANKS TONS UKHTI HABIBAH!!! ;D