Mend your Clothing, Fix your Car...Points to reflect upon in Marriage and Polygyny

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

This thought has been so strong and predominant in my thoughts lately that I just have to write about it, if only to release it from my mind! It's just a little exercise of connecting the dots and setting priorities that might resonate with someone and bring about some beautiful benefit bi idhn Illah ta'ala.

What did the sahaabah do regarding their garments? They made dua of gratitude to Allah for clothing them, acknowledging that they had no power to do so and it was only Allah's blessing upon them. What about when their clothes were worn and had holes? They mended them. They didn't buy another one or throw it away, they fixed what they had. There is even a dua to be said upon wearing new clothes asking Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'ala to replace it when it is worn out. So it was received and worn with gratitude, used, cared for, and mended until it was worn out. Maximum benefit from the garments Allah blessed them with. 

In marriage, we are told in the Quraan that the husband and wife are garments for each other. So what would be fitting to do with the garments? First, be grateful for what you have been blessed with in your spouse. Take good care of your marriage, mend it when it has deficiencies, beautify it, and work on it to the end of your life.

Another analogy is that marriage is like a car. It is, actually, because it is quite literally a vehicle to get you to Jennah, in shaa Allah. If you are happy with the car, find it reliable and it has served you well, what happens when it needs some maintenance, maybe things need to be fixed. Do you leave it in that state and go buy another car...or do you do the maintenance, make an effort to fix it? A neglected car will eventually fall into ruin...in marriage terms, misery, separation, or divorce.

Sometimes a reason that divorce or polygyny is sought is because there are deficiencies in the existing marriage. Spouses don't communicate what they are missing, what they need or yearn for in the relationship. Before you give up and/or move on to another marriage, it is important to examine what you have. Allah says in Surah Ibrahim, ayah 7. 

وَإِذْ تَأَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمْ لَئِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ ۖ وَلَئِن كَفَرْتُمْ إِنَّ عَذَابِى لَشَدِيدٌۭ ٧

And ˹remember˺ when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will certainly give you more. But if you are ungrateful, surely My punishment is severe.’”

So be grateful for the family you have, work on the deficiencies, fix your vehicle - or at least try to - before looking for another. 

Moving on to another marriage (polygyny) when the existing one has problems is often the cause of resentment and heartbreak because instead of fixing what you have, you focus on investing in someone else...an unknown entity. Do your part and Allah promises to give you more. 

Subhaanak Allahumma laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

A polygyny post...after many years

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I will start by saying that this is not an anti-polygyny post. Neither is it to put people off polygyny. Rather is it a reality check.

When brothers say they want to show polygyny done properly/well/successfully there is very great danger in those words. Of course, most brothers will say in shaa Allah, but still they are basically saying that they are confident they can do it well. However, they have no idea if they can! For those who have not yet experienced polygyny, everything they plan or imagine is theory, not practice or reality.

There is a danger of arrogance that they think so confidently of themselves when success lies only with Allah. Nobody knows what Allah will test them with, but they are assured that they will be tested with their wealth, their families, their livelihood, their health, etc. This is not exclusive to those whose intention is not Islamically ideal or who go about it in the wrong way. We have endless examples of situations and tests from the early Prophets - alayhim salaat wa salaam - all the way to Prophet Muhammad - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam. We have examples from our scholars and from everyday life! And yet, even brothers who had failed attempts at marriage, particularly plural marriage, often say they will "get it right the next time." 

Subhaan Allah, the selection process is so very critical because they cannot know the heart and mind of the person they marry. They cannot know the reality of the future or how life will be with them until they experience it. All the theory in the world doesn't weigh an ounce compared to real life experience. Perhaps for this reason so many of them fail. The brothers are so sure they have what it takes and Allah shows them His Haqq. 

A huge factor in this subject is what I will call the major mismatch. There is a disparity between the type of women who actually want polygyny and the type of women men seeking polygyny want. The sisters who genuinely seek polygyny are usually those who are divorced or widowed, often with children, and unmarried sisters that are older. They need/want the support of a good husband and are not trying to compete or break up an existing family. Often they are considerate of the existing wife and family and will benefit them all. 

However, the young, single sisters who agree to polygyny very often have ulterior motives and/or confidence issues. They thrive on the idea that they are better than the existing wife, whether it be younger, thinner, more attractive, or whatever other insecurities they need to feed. Another case is when the younger sisters cannot find suitable single men to marry and settle for polygyny. This results in them feeling dissatisfied with sharing and often leads to them wanting him to divorce the existing wife or any imaginable type of fitnah around their dissatisfaction. 

You may ask, how can you say such things Mai? How do you know and how can you judge?

Because I've experienced it personally on a few occasions and seen it on many other occasions. I am not judging; often sisters don't even realize they have these underlying issues and they only surface when they live reality of polygyny. There are always exceptions and may Allah bless all my sisters with what they need. I'm simply sharing thoughts based on years of experience and observations.

Obviously, cultural aspects can play a large part in this and in certain countries and cultures it is normal for young girls to enter into polygyny without such issues. This is often because there is not a strong emotional and communicative relationship in those marriages and the women have a more subservient role, and Allah knows best. I am referring mainly to Western culture, although I have seen this to be rife in Arab culture as well.

So, after all this is taken into consideration and due diligence is done regarding a suitable spouse, pray istikhaara. It it comes back positive and you go ahead and enter into polygyny, just be prepared for tests and if it results in fitnah or divorce, simply accept that Allah led you to it and that test was meant for you.

May all of the Muslims to be rightly guided, have righteous intentions, and succeed in reaching the ultimate goal of Jennah - ameen!

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha ilaa ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

My Quran and shaytaan = test anxiety

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

For almost a year now, I have been taking Quran classes twice a week alhamdulillah! I regained my hifdh of around 3.5 ajzaa and am memorizing more, working on my tajweed and ridding myself of all the bad habits I've acquired over the 12 years since I was attending in-person classes while living in Madinah.

So, imagine my feeling when I have Quran tests and shaytaan works every angle to sabotage me. I have test anxiety; I cannot stop my nerves from wreaking havoc with my mind. I do everything I can think of, from isti'aadhah to istighfar to du'a to using a siwak, to reciting over and over again. Subhaan Allah, I come to the test knowing all my suwar and yet, even when I close my eyes and visualize the page of the mushaf in front of me, my mouth says something else. 

Subhaan Allah! shaytaan wants me to feel inadequate. shaytaan wants me to feel upset, defeated, like giving up. shaytaan wants me to admit he has power over me. So, what do I do? 

I have sabr. I persevere. I intensify my studies and do even more! Every time he pushes me to mess up a test, I am driven to spend even more time with the Quran, even more time reciting and reading. In this way, it contradicts his plan. Eventually, he will leave me alone in this and move on to some other plots. Perseverance in the path of Allah never fails. 

May Allah make us all successful and ever increase our love, connection, knowledge, memorization, reading, recitation, and implementation of His miraculous book - ameen!

What is Enough?

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, the subject of what is enough has been recurring for me for years - from not shooting for the moon when all you need is reachable in a low tree branch, to considering what is beneficial and what is just superfluous. I have many thoughts on this subject and there are so many nooks and crannies to delve into! 

Before I start on the concept of enough, I will set the bar by stating that whatever we have at any given time is perfectly enough as that is what Allah has decreed for us. Our glass is always full of exactly what we should have, and each of us has a customized full glass. So, when we strive for better, we need to consider what kind of "better" we are striving for and if that "better" is for our aakhirah or our dunya. We need to consider what we are chasing, what our goals are, and if our striving and priorities align with those goals.

So, in terms of money, how much is enough? This will vary widely from person to person, but things to consider are how much are bills, how much is needed for shelter, transportation, food, education, and whatever else secures a stable life with the ability to worship Allah freely. For some, this is a mountain to climb to achieve, for others they reached the goal of enough and surpassed it in spades. 

If you have enough to live comfortably, what is the benefit of taking more time to dedicate to earning more? What benefit is there? Does pursuing more money-making projects or other projects that you would like to do outweigh taking more time for Allah, learning Arabic, memorizing and implementing the Quraan, slowing down and living more in tune with nature. What is your goal? Dunya or aakhirah? If you are driven by the desire to do many different projects, businesses, or hobbies, what are they for? Money? Self-satisfaction and pleasure? A social service? Do they serve your dunya or aakhirah.  If both, what benefits both and what distracts? These are not simple questions because they require a deep honesty and clarity of focus. 

If we want to truly aim for our aakhirah, leave behind the extravagance of excess and know what is enough, then it is time to make salaat ul istikhaara a regular part of our day, every single day. It's time to follow the guidance of Allah instead of our nafs and shaytaan and accept fully when Allah shows us where our priorities should lie and what is enough. 

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa Illaaha illa Anta, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Your first response changes your whole life!

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah wa alhamdulillah wa laa illaaha ila Allah wa Allahu Akbar!

There is not a single thing that Allah sends that isn't a blessing, whether clear or disguised. Not a single thing!

Before I go any further, let's just think of the story of Musa and Khidr in Surat ul Kahf. Musa assumed the worst of Khidr's actions, told him off, until Khidr said okay, that's it...and before parting with Musa explained the reality of his actions. Those actions were done for the sake of Allah! They were done at Allah's command! They were done in obedience to Allah! They were done for the best of reasons, which were not obvious to the onlooker, unless...

and here's where we come to the big reveal. If Musa had said one phrase upon seeing Khidr make a hole in the boat, kill the boy, and rebuild the wall it would have changed his whole mindset. What is that phrase? 

Alhamdulillah!

All thanks and praise are for Allah!

So the lesson we learn from that story is that qadr Allahu wa maa shaa fa'al - Allah decreed it and He does what He Wills and that Allah's Plan is the only Perfect Plan. 

Certainly, we must know Allah - His Names and Attributes - to understand that everything He sends is for our good, therefore there is good in everything He sends, hence we say first and foremost: alhamdulillah. 

How does this help us? Because sabr - patience - is at the first strike. Saying alhamdulillah reminds us first that we need to thank Allah for whatever He sends to us and praise Him for it. It changes your mindset immediately to see, or at least seek, the blessing in what He (azza wa jal) sent.

Here is a real-life example.

Someone sends you a message and shaytaan shouts in your ear, "Hey, that's really mean and spiteful!" You listen to that rotten devil and respond, "Let's fear Allah," or "Allah is just," implying that the person doesn't fear Allah or isn't just. However, if you immediately said alhamdulillah, it would send shaytaan running. Your response would reassure you that there is good in this message, and you focus on the good instead of assuming fault with the person who sent the message. That simple phrase stopped you from bad suspicions or assumptions about another Muslim, from insulting another Muslim, and reinforced what is fard (obligatory) upon us, which is husnu-thann - having the best suspicions of others and of Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'ala. Instead of having a negative response, we set ourselves up for success and, subhaan Allah, how quickly and easily we see the wisdom and benefit in what was sent to us when we trust Allah's perfect plan. 

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdik laa ilaaha illa Allah, astaghfirullah wa atoobu ilayk

Ignorance Destroys

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, those who are blessed with knowledge - beneficial knowledge, aka 'ilm - know the critical importance of "sami'na wa ata'na" - we hear, and we obey. They know that in following Islam, following the Qura'an and the Sunnah, they will have ease without conflict. Why? Because they aren't subject to opinion, personal feelings, or their own interpretation of any matter. They seek the legislated path and they stick to it, with all else being thrown aside or never even coming into play. I wish it for every believing Muslim on this planet - ameen.

Fitna doesn't grow out of Islam. It grows out of the absence of Islam. It grows out of the absence of knowledge and adherence to it. Fitna doesn't grow out of proof and accountability; it grows out of ignorant self-conviction and sheer disobedience. Muslims, new and seasoned, are guilty of this. I went through that stage 30+ years ago and, after making extensive istighfar, I dread reverting to such a state again.

The enormity of the du'a Rabbi zidnee 'ilmaa is that increasing in sound Islamic knowledge frees your mind and heart. You live in peace and security because you are living "sami'na wa ata'na."

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdik laa illaaha ilaa ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 

Answering a question my daughter posed about divorce...

 After explaining the last post about whether you can succeed in a marriage without love and trust, my daughter posed a question. She asked, "So, what would you consider to be a sign that you should get a divorce?" Here's my response.

I would know I had to seek a divorce if my spouse was actively trying to sabotage my success with Allah, azza wa jal. If I was doing everything in my power to please Allah, following everything that I outlined in my last post, and yet they were proving to be my enemy, and therefore, and enemy to Islam, that would be my sign. 

The other sign would be some clear indication from Allah following a prayer of istikhara or perhaps during tahajjud, where He, subhaanahu wa ta'ala, placed a clear thought or understanding in my mind and heart that it was time to move on. 

The thing that I stressed to her, and this is the most important aspect, is that IF Allah decrees for me to be divorced and I have been a faithful servant and wife, then Allah is providing a new beginning for me with sustenance and security. I am not stepping into an abyss, I am stepping on solid ground with Allah as my Mawlaa wa alhamdullillahi Rabb il aal ameen!

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha ila ant, astaghfirullah wa atoobu ilayk.

Can you Succeed in a Marriage without Love and Trust?

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

In a world without the Islamic viewpoint, a marriage that doesn't have love or trust between the spouses is on the road to discord, misery, and divorce. Why? Because love and trust are considered the foundations of the union. They must love each other deeply and manifest that love in their words and actions. They must be loyal to each other, faithful and honest. So, what happens when these things are missing? There is no foundation and the whole thing crumbles.

In a marriage based on Islam, one can find themselves disillusioned with their partner, unable to trust them, even mentally and emotionally abused by them, which kills whatever love and trust they had. So how can they stay in the marriage, and why? Because from an Islamic viewpoint, marriage is a means to an end. It is half of your deen. We are not told that marriage is a love story or a test of trust between the spouses as such. We are, however, told that the marriage must have love and trust. 

The mistake we make is thinking that the love and trust have to be for our spouse.  No. The love and trust must be for Allah, subhaanahu wa ta'ala! When you love and trust in Allah, you know what He decreed for you is best. You know that if you do what He commands you to do, you will succeed. You know that in fulfilling others' rights, in meeting your Allah-given responsibilities, in living your Islam and doing all you can from what Allah, azza wa jal, is pleased with and loves, you are on His Siraat al Mustaqeem. When you focus on all that, you will find that you can more easily avoid sins because you are working towards your goal, not sabotaging it. 

I don't often quote any songs, but I often think of the words, "Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I! I will survive! Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive..."  As long as I know how to love Allah! People may think they can hurt or break you, but when you're living for the love and trust of Allah, they are insignificant. You destroy their power to hurt you and you hold the power bi idhn Illah ta'ala. 

It's all about perspective. It's all about that ultimate goal and remaining strong, firm, and determined on your path with that singular and clear goal in sight. 

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika laa ilaaha il ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk

Together but Separate Lives?

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Some marriages have a dynamic, developed over time, where the couple lives together and interact as normal but neither knows what the other is doing, buying, planning. Often when children are involved, they are the carriers of news to the wife, with nothing coming directly from the husband or vice versa. Some might call this dysfunctional, because there is clearly a problem with communication and a lack of respect or love that leads to such a situation. But you can live your life, get on with things, live quite separate lives and yet live in harmony together having a pleasant family life. 

How, you ask? It's simple. Just do what you are supposed to do. Meet your responsibilities. Fulfill others' rights over you. Honor the amana (trust) Allah has placed in you in your various roles - be it a spouse, a parent, a sibling, an offspring. Hang on to your faraa'id and do them with the knowledge that they are pure benefit for your dunya and your aakhirah. If you can tunnel your focus to these specific things, you can not only function in such situations, you can also flourish bi idhn Illah ta'ala!

Subhaanaka Allahi wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha il ant, astaghfir Allahu wa atoobu ilayk

Messages from Hail and a Tornado

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Over this summer we have had some mammoth hail storms, maashaa Allah. Twice we had baseball sized hail come thundering down, breaking windows, giving the siding on the house and our cars that dimpled golf ball effect. The second hailstorm, however, was followed by something altogether different. While we do not live in an area that is prone to any natural disasters, we had a tornado sweep through our area. This was a reminder that it doesn't matter where you live, even if it seems to be the safest, most secure place in the world, there is no way to escape Allah and what He, subhaanahu wa ta'ala, decrees for you. Two old travel trailers were completely decimated, the shipping container office was tipped over, 1650 gallon water tanks were hurled miles down the road, broken to pieces to be seen in fields and pastures afar. 

The things we lost were things that had been left to go to ruin - unfinished projects, like nearly everything on our land and in our lives. And the thing that was damaged was filled with things, purchase after purchase, stuff upon stuff. 

I thought to myself, we can amass as much as we like, shop till we drop, accumulate, plan to fix up, beautify... but it can be gone in a minute. So, think if it's really worth it. Do what matters, do what will always remain for you if nothing physical is left.

Alhamdulillahi Rabb il aal ameen for all the signs, reminders, and warnings He, in His infinite Mercy, sends us!  

Subhaaka Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa ilaaha il ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 

My Remedy for Stinking Thinking

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I go through thoughts of not wanting to do things. I actually blow it up in my mind, making the task, action, or responsibility bad, awful even. But then, I understand that the attitude is being fueled by shaytaan. He doesn't want me to succeed. He wants to corrupt my thinking and sabotage my rewards.

So, action number one is to say the isti'aadhah (seek refuge with Allah from shaytaan, the accursed).

Action number two is to say the du'a, 

يَا حَيُّ يَا قَيُّومُ بِرَحْمَتِكَ أَسْتَغِيثُ أَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ وَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

(O Ever-Living, O Eternal One, by Your mercy I seek help; rectify all my affairs and do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for the blink of an eye).

Action number three, I ask myself this question regarding the thing I'm having negative thoughts about:

"Will I go to Jennah?"

Subhaan Allah, how that question puts everything into perspective! Subhaan Allah! 

Now, you might be thinking, how can you ask that question? You can't answer it; only Allah can. Well, here's where I explain.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “If a woman prays her five prayers, fasts her month of Ramadan, guards her chastity, and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from any gate she wishes.”

Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Ibn Ḥibbān 4163

Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Arna’ut

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ إِذَا صَلَّتِ الْمَرْأَةُ خُمُسَهَا وَصَامَتْ شَهْرَهَا وَحَصَّنَتْ فَرْجَهَا وَأَطَاعَتْ بَعْلَهَا دَخَلَتْ مِنْ أَيِّ أَبْوَابِ الْجَنَّةِ شَاءَتْ

4163 صحيح ابن حبان

9/471 المحدث شعيب الأرناؤوط خلاصة حكم المحدث صحيح في تخريج صحيح ابن حبان

In addition, take any hadith you choose regarding fulfilling your amana (trust) with Allah, taking care of your flock, the good deed erasing the bad deed, the rewards for the good deeds, and that everything we do with sincerity and the right attitude that is pleasing to Allah is aiding our Jennah account. 

Now can you see how easy it is to ask myself that question? That simple little question puts everything back into perspective and I can see that a small, simple, perhaps even insignificant thing can move me a step closer to that ultimate goal. It even makes me assess whether the things I might miss in life and relationships are really important in the scheme of things. It opens my mind to how those things are blessings, things that I can be grateful for because they increase my tawakkal, my du'a, my love of Allah, and my turning to Him for everything.

I have even asked my husband on occasion, "Will I go to Jennah?" and he looks at me quizzically. Then I quote that hadith and say that I'm doing my faraa'id so is he pleased with me? Subhaan Allah, it is a motivation to meet and exceed! What seemed mundane and tiresome when looking through shaytaan-stained glasses becomes a bargain not to be missed! Allahu Akbar wa l'Illah il hamd! 

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 

Power and Strength

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I have been thinking about marriage, relationships in general, and all the difficulties they can entail. Some people are in such destructive relationships that they are forced to leave in the end. They can no longer take it, some final straw has been broken, or they are abused (emotionally, mentally, physically - take your pick) and it has become intolerable. The situation has controlled the outcome and they had to leave; it wasn't their decision. They leave weak and broken, like the knocked-out boxer being dragged out of the ring. They are drained, spent and have to rebuild themselves. Qadr Allahu wa maa shaa fa'al!

So what happens when Allah gives you strength, through His blessings of emaan and tawakkal? This strength is power. It enables you to look at the situation, assess it, and decide whether you will stay or go. It gives you the ability to make Allah's pleasure your goal, rise above many situations of the dunya, and see, find, or make the good in your situation. It takes strength to walk away from a situation, but it also takes strength to stay in it. There are people in difficult relationships that have the ability to stay or go. They can look at the pros and cons, keep their eye on the goal, and decide if they want to remain or leave because they have the fortitude to do both. 

I have come to view that strength as a very difficult and dangerous thing. It can hold someone in a relationship that isn't beneficial. It can lead to enabling the other person in the relationship because their strength allows them to tolerate things that otherwise would not be acceptable. And yet, it can be the most amazing example of sabr - patient perseverance - and may hold the best rewards. 

If you are blessed with that strength, don't take it for granted and think yourself sufficient to handle whatever comes your way. Remember that your strength lies with Allah, and Allah must always be turned to for continued guidance and clarity that what you are doing is right and best. The power and strength that Allah blessed you with only remains a blessing when you give Him full credit for it. Know that you can become helpless and weak if you don't turn to the One Who gave you that strength and seek His help and guidance in all your affairs.

Subhaanak, Allahumma wa bihamdik, laa illaaha illa Allah, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

 

The Product of an Incident

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I get most of my inspiration for blog posts from situations that arise. Often, I jot down the ideas, concepts, or key points so I can expand on them. This is the sentence I noted down after an incident this past week. It is very comforting and calming for me.

Every time that Allah shows you the imperfections of others, 

He reminds you of the perfection of Himself. 

Inability to Communicate - I Understand

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

This post might seem a bit odd, considering all the positive stuff of late, but it's just a testimony to one of many things you may experience or feel. 

Some marriages are close, with strong and open communication. Some are not. There are marriages and relationships where even when you ask to go for a walk to talk or make time for communication, you are shut down. You are not allowed to communicate or express your feelings, ideas, or concerns. Any glimmer of a conversation that might have criticism, a dislike of something, or trying to work through a disagreement is not entertained. You may feel frustrated, resentful, isolated, sick and stressed from having no outlet for your feelings, unheard, uncared for, or dehumanized...how about ticking the box for "all of the above"? 

I want you to know that I understand. You are not alone. Although this can drive you explode and have outbursts that have negative repercussions, quickly make istighfar. Allah is Al Ghafoor, Al Afuww, Ar-Raheem!

Please remember that this is a whopping big reminder that you must take the words you say in every rakaah of every prayer seriously. "Iyyaaka na'abudu wa iyyaaka nasta'een!" (You alone we worship and You alone we turn to for help!) You can always turn to Allah, He hears everything. He knows before you open your mouth! He knows you inside out and He never shuts the door on you when you reach out. He is perfect; relationships with human beings are not. Deepen your communication with Allah and He will make a way for you. 

Subhaanaka Allahumma laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 

 

All Coming Together

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

We wrapped up the 8 Steps to Happiness book maashaa Allah, and everything has come together with the precise perfection only Allah can orchestrate, subhaan Allah! 

The 8 steps are in a nutshell:

1. True belief and perform good deeds

2. Occupy yourself with beneficial activity and or beneficial knowledge

3. Remembrance of Allah and Thankfulness to Allah

4. Removing what brings sadness and seeking out happiness - living in the present

5. Imagining worst situations

6. Firmness of the heart and reliance on Allah (tawakkal)

7. Repelling evil with good

8. Enjoying moments of happiness

Well, by the time I read each step, I was doing it all and - subhaan Allah - I felt all the benefit of it alhamdulillah!

Then, up popped a little webinar from Haleh Al-Banani on the 5 Pillars of Marriage. I would not normally bother to look at such things, but I took the time to listen and make notes. Here are my notes.

Marriage is much more about working towards a goal than other things. I personally can't master pillar number 2, qadr Allah, but the rest are all there. Positive stuff, maashaa Allah!

So, I'm taking time out for me, and it is very beneficial. I'm making time to do khayr and it's just the most wonderful happy feeling. I'm putting Allah first, so my attitude and emaan can remain more constant, and I'm chugging along like the little train that could. Alhamdulillahi Rabb il aal ameen!

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdik, laa illaaha illa Allah, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Charging Ahead

 Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I could start this post talking about all the things I haven't managed to do yet, but where is the positivity in that? So, I will tell you that I am charging ahead with the good deeds, with the gifts, with the sadaqah, with the determined efforts to do khayr and it is wonderful alhamdulillah! Whatever issues have arisen, Allah has given me great ease with maashaa Allah. My loneliness has been replaced by visits from sisters coming to bake, play games, and have lessons and having great conversations with my eldest daughter. My days have a good dose of "me" in them, full of positivity and progress with my PT exercises and hypopressives. I feel better, optimistic, hopeful maashaa Allah, wa alhamdulillah.

I'm charging ahead with the khayr: bringing smiles, bringing ease, meeting needs and wants bi idhn Illah ta'ala, and Allah is bringing me smiles, ease, and meeting my needs! 

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bi hamdihi, laa illaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Bingo!

 Assalamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. 

Well, I did it. I read some of my own blog, LOL. And, of course, the clear things that stood out from just a couple of posts were these.

In Mai in June one of my thoughts was:

"How can we hold other people accountable for not making us a priority in their lives, when we don't make Allah a priority in ours?"

Exactly what I came to when I just started doing the things that please Allah and make me happy. Doing things fee sabeel Illah and taking care of myself as Allah has commanded me to. Focusing on what concerns me and benefits my dunya and aakhirah instead of wasting time on things that just distract me from what is better. Doing, instead of letting shaytaan poke into my thoughts planting seeds of negativity and helping me procrastinate. 

Then I read one of the most important other things to refocus myself. It was in a response to a sister in a particular situation, so I edited it to make it more generally relevant.

"Your life revolves around others. This is a key issue with many women after years of marriage. They rely on their husband/family for most things...and primarily for their happiness. This is one of the reasons I believe Allah sends tests to some of His faithful servants. Because your life is supposed to revolve around ALLAH. Allah should be in your thoughts 24/7, not your husband or your children. They will be in your thoughts through your thoughts of Allah - your duties to them, taking care of them, fulfilling their Allah-appointed rights, giving sadaqah through them and to them, loving them for the sake of Allah. That's how all your day becomes ibaadah. That's what changes your attitude. 

So how does Allah pull you to Him and correct faith? When you find that your family is busy with their own lives and interests and shaytaan starts to work overtime on your thoughts, you turning to Allah to seek refuge. When you feel hurt by your husband or children, you are reminded that Allah doesn't hurt you. When you feel alone because nobody is engaging with you, you are reminded that Allah is always with you. When you feel like their idea of love and its expression is different from your own, you are reminded that Allah's love never wavers and is always more than you could ever dream of. All of it increases your love of Allah, with complete trust and reliance on Him Alone. You seek Him out as perfection of all your needs...and in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find comfort and healing."

Step 3 in the 8 Steps to Happiness is shukr and dhikr. Thanks, and remembrance - alhamdul'Illahi Rabb il aal ameen! Step 4 is ridding yourself of sadness and misery and focusing on happiness. In a nutshell, the past is over with so if you haven't repented then do so and let it go. The future is in the Hands of The One Who loves you perfectly, so nothing to worry about there. It's all about the present and making sure the steps you take are towards Him and your successful aakhirah!

Subhaanak Allahumma wa bihamdik, laa ilaaha illa Allah, astighfiruka wa atoobu ilayk. 

 

Identifying My Mistake

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I kept replaying the sentence in my mind: "I feel that I am not a priority to those I make my priority." Then, as I was driving this morning it all came together clearly.  

I spent the day before telling a sister that she needed to take care of herself. That she would not be able to take care of her family if she wasn't maintaining herself. I even quoted the Qur'aan, where Allah says in Surat Tahreem to "save yourself and your family from the fire that is fueled by men and stones." He, subhaanahu wa ta'ala, tells us to save ourselves first and then our families. 

I have been taking steps to help myself, such as going to the doctor with a long list of years' long issues. I started physical therapy for 2 years of hip pain, 4 years of knee pain, and 19 years of carpal tunnel pain. How's that for not taking care of myself, just putting up with stress and pain? How's that for not honoring the body Allah blessed and entrusted me with, and yet running myself into the ground to try to take care of others? All these years of serving everyone else, of trying to please others at my own expense, of putting up with one niggling health issue after another, have turned my body into a tight, knotted up repository for stress and tension.

Yesterday, I enrolled in a program to fix another health condition that I've had for around 10 years, with the clear intention of taking care of my needs and addressing another stressor.  I'm taking time to do my PT exercises and stretches each day. I haven't been for my walks, still haven't done my daily time in the sunshine, but I'm still finding my way to taking the steps.

There has been a subtle change in my home since I started going for PT appointments and making time for my healing and wellbeing. Others have done more to help, alhamdulillah. They have perhaps seen me as an individual, rather than just a good old dependable part of the family. 

So then, what was my mistake?  I don't need to be a high priority to others, and I can still make others my priority. However, I need to be a top priority to myself.

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdihi, laa ilaaha illaa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Step after Step after Step

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Subhaan Allah, I haven't walked since the Taking the Steps post a few days ago, but Allah has sent me so much walhamdulillah!

Sunday's class was Step 2 in the 8 Steps to Happiness book and it said occupy yourself with beneficial activities and knowledge. Well teaching sisters how to bake bread and walking for my health and wellbeing are beneficial activities, alhamdulillah, and reading the book is beneficial knowledge. In any case, after disgraceful procrastination I read some Qur'aan after my adhkaar this morning. A step to happiness indeed!

A package arrived in the mail from my dear friend with a gift...of a lavender candle and SOCKS! Maashaa Allah, 5 pairs of adorable warm and woolly socks that just scream at me, "Go on, Mai, take those steps, go for those walks!" No coincidences here, Allah is clearly sending me messages of what I need and the equipment to do it. Subhaan Allahi wa bihamdihi, subhaan Allah il atheem!

I need to sit outside in the sunshine for 10-15 minutes each day. I will be working on that next, in conjunction with increasing my Qur'aan reading and recitation. Plans that aren't overwhelming and that I know will make me feel better bi idhn Illah ta'ala.

I'm prepping for Ramadhaan - going back to Shk Uthaymeen's Daily Sittings again this year and answering the daily Ramadhaan questions I did for my children years ago and posted on this blog inshaa Allah. 

Steps, and plans for steps - may Allah give me and all of us the success that lies with Him Alone - ameen.

Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika, laa illaaha illa Allah, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.

Taking the steps...

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

I finally went for a walk this morning and immediately started pondering how I had shut myself off from so much over the past couple of years. I was thinking I'd walk down the long lane beside our land, but once I got to the gate, I realized that I had no reason to walk outside of our land, maashaa Allah. It was crazy. We have 51 acres of land that I could take a walk on, not having to bother about cars driving by or wearing proper hijab or being far away if I was needed back at the house, and this was the first time I'd done it. Subhaan Allah, every time I take a step, make an effort to do something, Allah blesses me with so much! 

I walked around and saw things around the farm, snow-capped mountains to the west, smokey low mountains to the north, indescribable clouds in rows with a rainbow sherbet sunrise making itself seen below them and thought about how much I was missing of all Allah has given me to appreciate and be in awe of. How will I appreciate more if I don't expose myself to it, if I don't take the step and open my eyes to it? 

I remembered how my walks alone helped me to work through things and give myself time to unearth all the deep-down thoughts and emotions that have been swept under the rug for years and need to be addressed. I thought of friendships that seemed so imbalanced that I could no longer sustain them and just thought to myself, "Let it go. Make du'a, love them from afar, and let.it.go." 

Allah is opening my mind to reason and letting reason govern my reactions and emotions. It's a process, but one that I can clearly implement and work through inshaa Allah. So many times I feel hurt by something that, if the situation was reversed, I would not consider it hurtful. That thought alone is freeing! Just looking at it from a different perspective changes the whole picture. In turn, it releases stress and unreasonable emotional expectations. If others are simply doing their thing, so can I. I just have to keep taking my own steps.

So, my advice of the day to anyone who needs it is to take your own steps to what will help you and let Allah leave you awestruck!

Subhaan Allahi wa bihamdihi, laa illaaha ilaa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.