Be Real with Yourself

Bism Illah wa assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

Every action has an intention. Just read the first hadith of An-Nawawi's 40 Hadith and ponder for a minute it's meaning.

On the authority of Ameer ul-Mu'mineen (the Commander of the Faithful), Abu Hafs 'Umar ibn al-Khattaab radhi Allahu anhu, who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam say:

Actions are but by intentions and every man shall have only that which he intended. 

Thus he whose migration (Hijrah to Madeenah from Makkah) was for Allaah and His Messenger, his miration was for Allah and His Messenger, and he whose migration was to achieve some worldly benefit or to take some woman in marriage, his migration was for that for which he migrated.

(Agreed upon)

 عَنْ أَمِيرِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ أَبِي حَفْصٍ عُمَرَ بْنِ الْخَطَّابِ رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهُ قَالَ: سَمِعْت رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَقُولُ: ” إنَّمَا الْأَعْمَالُ بِالنِّيَّاتِ، وَإِنَّمَا لِكُلِّ امْرِئٍ مَا نَوَى، فَمَنْ كَانَتْ هِجْرَتُهُ إلَى اللَّهِ وَرَسُولِهِ فَهِجْرَتُهُ إلَى اللَّهِ وَرَسُولِهِ، وَمَنْ كَانَتْ هِجْرَتُهُ لِدُنْيَا يُصِيبُهَا أَوْ امْرَأَةٍ يَنْكِحُهَا فَهِجْرَتُهُ إلَى مَا هَاجَرَ إلَيْهِ“.

رَوَاهُ إِمَامَا الْمُحَدِّثِينَ أَبُو عَبْدِ اللهِ مُحَمَّدُ بنُ إِسْمَاعِيل بن إِبْرَاهِيم بن الْمُغِيرَة بن بَرْدِزبَه الْبُخَارِيُّ الْجُعْفِيُّ ، وَأَبُو الْحُسَيْنِ مُسْلِمٌ بنُ الْحَجَّاج بن مُسْلِم الْقُشَيْرِيُّ النَّيْسَابُورِيُّ رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهُمَا فِي صَحِيحَيْهِمَا اللذَين هُمَا أَصَحُّ الْكُتُبِ الْمُصَنَّفَةِ.

It is easy to say, "I don't know," or, "Because I wanted to," or even, "Someone else made me do it," when being asked why you did something, However, not one of these answers is the truth or the whole truth.

When words come out of your mouth, contemplate why you say them. Try it for at least a day and see if your words were all helpful, beneficial, guiding to the good, and loving the good for those being spoken to. Consider if those words are sitting on your right hand side, recorded in Illiyyeen. Did you really say them with a clean heart and intentions? Or did you say them with the underlying desire to hurt, insult, put down, make fun of, condescend to, cajole, or manipulate?

So much is said and done without thought, but not without thought about why we did it, but more about what the result is of us doing it. What reward will we get for it - good or bad? It is easy, when being examined by others, to come up with an altruistic reason for our actions and speech. However,  it is the truth within us that we will answer for - the truth behind the reason for our actions and speech, not what we say in retrospect or try to convince ourselves or others of.

We, as human beings, will always have to fight our nafs and the incessant whispers of shaytaan feeding our base thoughts and desires. The only way we can truly address and correct ourselves for the good is if we are honest with ourselves about those negative and evil feelings that drive us to do or say bad or negative things.It is in being real with ourselves that we can pinpoint the things we need to rectify in our hearts and humble ourselves before our Creator. It is in being real with ourselves that we can cry in desperation to Allah for His Forgiveness and Help. It is in being real with ourselves that we stand a chance of true success in this life and the next, bi idhn Illah ta'ala.

Who Allah Guides...

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa RahmatUllahi wa Barakatuh.


Sometimes you will find that people around you do not encourage you to complete reliance and trust (tawakkal) in Allah. However, you may in yourself feel sure that if you act in obedience to Allah, avoiding or giving up something for His pleasure, that He will take care of you. People will say, "You'd better take that job even if they say you can't wear your hijaab/ perform salat/keep your beard." You might even hear people tell you to overlook working in a place that sells alcohol or pork, has music and movies playing, or makes money from gambling or taking interest (ribaa). The "logical" arguments and justifications are often along the lines of, "Otherwise, how will you pay your rent and feed the children?" You may have a voice inside you thinking, "If I stick to obedience to Allah, then He will give me another way that is Halal and pleasing to Him to pay my rent and feed my children." You may believe that Allah will provide you with much better than what you give up for His sake, including halal income. However, there is usually contingent who will say you are being naive, or even foolish.

Which of these viewpoints will win in your mind and heart? When faced with the two roads, which one is walking on stable ground and which is a paved with quicksand? Well, the ones who said you should compromise your Islaam for worldly security would say that you were being responsible by taking that job. However, Allah tells us that the only security lies in obedience to, and total reliance on Him. It is in total obedience to your Creator - Allah: The Provider, The Sustainer, The Just, that you walk the secure path, paved with solid, stable ground. That is the responsible and guided decision. I'm sure you will find examples of this all around you, both in your own life and in the lives of others, where Allah proves His Truth. Please do share some of your inspiring true stories with us, inshaa'Allah.

I have faced many of these situations over the course of my life, and especially during the 24 years I have been a Muslimah, and what I have found is that the real truth lies in Allah's words:

"Wherewith Allah guides all those who seek His Good Pleasure to ways of peace, and He brings them our of darkness by His Will unto light and guides them to the Straight Way"  

[Surah Ma'idah, ayah16]

and the words of our beloved Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, in the oft repeated Khutbah Haajah:

"Who Allah guides, none can misguide and who He misguides, none can guide. 

May we be of those who Allah always Guides to His Siraat al Mustaqeem.

Shaytaan's Sneaky Plans

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

I am increasingly aware of shaytaan's long-term machinations; how he has pretty much got us surrounded. I am going to list a couple of those things, because the more we are aware of those devilish schemes, the more we can guard and fight against them.

Lusts

Lately I've been thinking of how we follow our lusts. In fact, when we manage to control ourselves regarding one lust, we pursue another to congratulate ourselves. Of course, this is all succumbing to shaytaan's suggestions, as he will work from every angle imaginable to put us in a state of loss. Tell me if you can in some way relate to any of these scenarios.

• After having the will-power to control your eating, you celebrate by "treating yourself" to something frivolous or luxurious that you don't need.
  
• After having the will-power to control the urge to shop, you "treat yourself" and binge on chocolate, chips, or some other unhealthy food.
  
• After studying hard for a test or meeting a deadline, you "treat yourself" to a few hours of relaxation watching the latest movie or surfing the latest celebrity gossip.

We don't struggle to conquer our lusts, we struggle to conquer one lust and then replace it with another -.perhaps one we consider the lesser evil. If we conquer the lust for one Islamically undesirable thing, we succumb to the lust for another. Just think about it: entertainment, consumerism, socialization, and over-indulgence - one lust after another. If we try to categorize our lusts and excesses to see which category shaytaan is working his sneaky plans, for the most part we will find that he gets us from most, if not all, of them. 

Internet

Now just think of this amazing Internet. We all know that there is a great deal of haram and fitna to be found on it. We also know that there is a wealth of information, beneficial knowledge, and a way of maintaining the ties of family and ummah. However, even with removal of images and muting the sound to avoid music, in the name of da'wah and beneficial communication, we cannot avoid every image and often end up wasting valuable time. We easily get sidetracked. In searching for information, we easily get sucked into conversations. The time required to respond to e-mail, keep up with news (even if limited to Islamic matters), is notable. I have numerous friends who tell me about the fitna of Facebook, wasting time on inane details of others' lives - things of no benefit, or even worse, of harm. Is it the best use of our time? Is it even decent use of our time? Is it all worshiping Allah? Is Allah pleased with our activity or not? 

When I think of the Internet, I remember the ayah of Quran in Surah Al Baqarah revealed about alcohol and gambling.

"They ask you (O Muhammad ) concerning alcoholic drink and gambling. Say: "In them is a great sin, and (some) benefits for men, but the sin of them is greater than their benefit.'' (2:219)

The Internet is another sneaky, circular plan of shaytaans, because it is essential for normal life and information as we know it and yet, it holds traps from the time we open up the browser.

These are just three little examples of shaytaan's long-term machinations. That rotten devil doesn't just whizz around whispering for us to make a bad decision or do a wrong thing. He has been working on communities, societies, countries, and the world since the time he was cast out, rejected by Allah. He's had literally thousands of years to develop his plans, which leave us encircled.

Oh, I know this sounds terribly depressing and rather hopeless...but it is not. Awareness is part of the solution and so is caution. When we can see those plans in action throughout society, we also build up awareness of the very real fact that shaytaan never sleeps. He is always trying to sabotage our good end. Seeking a way out through dua' is another. May Allah increase our taqwa, our wisdom, repel us from what He hates, and what leads to what He hates. May Allah show us how to worship Him in all situations,  and strengthen us against shaytaan's sneaky plans - ameen.

Sticky Marital Stuff...When Hubby's Wrong and Trust is Gone

As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

In marriage, and relationships in general, I think many of us face situations where Allah does not guide us to walk away and yet we don't know how to cope with the situation well. The woman's perspective is different than the man's, particularly because of her role within the marriage relationship. Most certainly, us wives have many faults and sins of our own. The difference is that Allah has given men authority over women, hence if the husband faces such issues with his wife, he must correct them. But what about the times when our husbands give in to shaytaan's whispers? This may be in various forms, such as:

- doing something that is, at best, doubtful Islamically
- doing acts hated by Allah,
- being disobedient to Allah, or
- falling into major sin.

Many sisters struggle with their emotions and how to cope with  a husband (or anyone close to to them) whose errors, makrooh actions, or sins affect them deeply.

In these cases I have to separate myself.  In a nutshell, the part of me that loves a person truly for the sake of Allah, and is torn apart when they do wrong, becomes desensitized over time. A protective coating has built up over my heart and with every sin, the coating becomes thicker. A little of the love and respect may be diminished and it is replaced with hatred for the despised action(s) and an aversion to the person when they commit those deeds. It often leaves me dreading any repeat offenses. This is particularly difficult when the person involved is your husband.

It is reported that Sufyân Al-Thawrî – Allâh have mercy on him – said:

If you loved a man for Allâh and then he innovates in Islâm and you don’t hate him for it, you never [truly] loved him for Allâh.

Abû Nu’aym, Hilyatu Al-Awliyâ` 7:34.

I remember the words of Allah in the Quran, "You will not be asked of what they did." I separate myself, because I cannot cope with such close involvement - it hurts me. I also separate myself because I hate what Allah Hates. I do not want to fall into the same sin or to be one of those who supports another in their sin. I'm sure it sounds cold and not supportive, but if I don't look at it like that, then I cannot function.

As for day-to-day life, how do you think and conduct yourself when you have these strong, negative emotions? Try to continue with life as usual without saying anything. I say, "try" because I am not a person who easily disguises feelings, so it is an effort that may not completely succeed for many of us. Harping on the issues will cause a problem and you may be blamed. If you are at a stage where there is little point in any speech, ask Allah to rectify your affairs and show both you and your husband the truth of the situation and make a clear path for you to His pleasure.

All this horrible stuff in marriage is why I wrote Trust after Betrayal, Hold on to your Hijab and The Road to Healing Rifts, inshaa'Allah. Try very hard to smile and focus on all the positive things; there are still many of them. That is how you can still enjoy your life and relationship.

Remember, you have your own faults, failings, and sins. The negatives don't go anywhere...they are there and that is part of the test so don't expect things to ever be exactly the same. The more the person errs, the more the healthy heart is repulsed. It is impossible to feel the same about someone if, or when, they do what is hated by Allah.

It is quite sad because many couples have a wonderful relationship where they enjoy many interests and laugh a lot together, but there is always the "dark side" that undermines the respect and trust. Sisters, don't expect to be able to trust him in the things he has a failed track record in. Try to focus on those things you can trust him in. An outlook that can help with this is to hate the actions and the cause of the actions - shaytaan and his wicked whispers - not the person.

As I tell all the sisters, find a smile from somewhere and try to be happy within yourself... with Allah and without your husband. Then just behave that way while he is around as well. He doesn't need to know that he isn't the cause of your smile or contentment. Compartmentalize, if you can...and I'm not saying it is easy at all. Me finding my happy place with Allah is how I don't end up being cold and resentful when something in the relationship is ruined.

You can be pleasant, laughing, affectionate, but the damage that is done means that part is real and part is an act. Remember that the act isn't really for your husband, it is for Allah's pleasure and to fulfill your obligations as a wife.The more you dedicate yourself and your love to Allah, the easier it gets to find happiness and separate yourself from the less pleasant aspects. Never forget, for every action there is a reaction. If you are happy and contented, it will have a huge effect on your husband and home.

Here's my analogy of the day. What happens when you have an unwanted guest? You know, someone you struggle to allow into your space. If you give them a bad reception, you will make them feel  unwelcome, uncomfortable, unwanted, which usually brings out the worst in them. Whereas, if you give them a good reception, then you give them ease and, inshaa'Allah, bring out the best in them. Our husband's are our most important guests, even when they err. It is our job to try to bring out the best in them bi ithn Illah, ta'ala.

Sisters, you are not alone in these struggles. Although our husbands may all do different things, many sisters go through this in varying degrees and are seeking advice on how to cope.

May Allah guide and help us all - ameen!

Polygyny: Love for who?

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

The most popular hadith quoted, when the topic of polygyny comes up, seems to be this:

Anas relates that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

It is usually a reminder to the women, the existing wife/wives and the new wife so they will be kind and generous with each other...and with the sharing of their husband.  I am a big proponent of this concept, mashaa'Allah, so please don't misunderstand what I write next.

The hadith is for everyone, men and women alike. So, what happened to the brothers? 

Consider the man with a plate full of food and a man beside him, hungry with no food. Is reaching out and taking another plate of food, leaving the man beside him without, loving for his brother what he loves for himself? What, then, of wives? When there are so many brothers looking for good wives, don't the discerning ones who are looking for second, third, or fourth wives ever think that if the woman meets their criteria for marriage, that she probably meets the criteria of a single brother? Do they consider that in recommending those prospective wives to unmarried brothers, they are removing a stress and discomfort from their brother? They have the chance to facilitate for their brother what they already have, the other half of their deen and a guarding of their private parts. Wouldn't that reap a huge reward? Isn't that putting the hadith into real practice?

In addition, for those men with daughters of marriageable age, are they eager for them to enter polygyny? Do they believe it is a better and more pleasant life than monogamy? No question, there are wonderful advantages to being in polgyny. However, most would agree that polygyny is a test and shaytaan's favorite workplace - not easy and often painful. Is marrying a daughter into that (rather than to another suitable, unmarried man) loving the best for her? Perhaps, sometimes. More often though, the answer will be no.

Before I am attacked with a load of scenarios which don't fit this mold, let me say that I know it isn't a one-size-fits-all viewpoint. I am not making a blanket statement, just reminding of a certain aspect. There are many situations where taking an additional wife is the option warranted by Allah; it is a beautiful Sunnah. Certainly, some women are better suited to be in polygynous marriages or don't find single men in their age group or community to marry. However, in polygyny the loving for your brother what you love for yourself needs to be considered and implemented by both sisters and brothers. 

May Allah be the Governing Force behind all our intentions and actions - ameen.

For those who love to shop

As salaamu alaikum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh akhawaati,

This post does not apply to every sister, but it will apply to some. This is for those sisters who love to shop, who shop for pleasure, who shop to improve their mood, who shop for bargains that they do not need, who shop and have to justify it to their husbands, who shop and end up in trouble with their husbands, and who shop without thinking of the responsibility that comes with it. LOL, perhaps this applies to more than some...more like most! Anyway, I have a few ideas that might help calm that habit or empower you to stop altogether.

The first thing is to put things into perspective in relation to the examples we have been given of how we should live our life. During the time of the Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam), people had just what they needed, nothing more. In fact, if they were given something more than they needed, they gave it to those needier than themselves. Today, we have so much of everything that we cannot find adequate storage space for it, audhu b'Illah!

The second thing is to be clear in your mind about what is "israaf" and what is "tabzeer". Israaf is the spending on things that are lawful in Islam but exceeding moderation in quantity or quality. Tabzeer is the spending wastefully on things that are prohibited in Islam...and many things fall under this category if they are against Islamic principals...such as most movies, clothes with images on them, music, etc.

Thirdly, remember that you must answer to Allah, subhaana wa taala, for every penny you spend.

Then, consider if you NEED the item and if the item will draw you closer to Allah, subhaana wa taala.

Then consider if it will be welcomed by your husband.

Then, think what better use the money might be put to.

Why don't many of us have our own land, homes, money for hajj or umrah? We spend it on an assortment of things we don't need, that don't benefit us, and even are a sinful waste.

I speak from experience sisters. I have made taubah for years of extravagant and sinful expenditure in the past. Since getting married, I have realized the beauty of not shopping...and my husband has been very appreciative of it, masha'Allah. Nothing has ever been a problem, no matter how little money we had or how much, and many dreams are real possibilities because we take spending money as a big amanah (trust) from Allah.

Look for ways to reduce expenses and think before you shop. You may find yourself on Hajj next year from the money you save, bi ithn Allah!

May we all have the ultimate success and many small ones on the way - ameen!

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Working My Way Backwards About Real Love

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum.

There are no coincidences. I continue to have these experiences where I find that Allah leads me to a certain place, in worship, thinking, levels of understanding, etc. and then, a while later, they are validated by someone or something. Here is an examples about love.

I wrote about love, about arriving at a place where I understand that love is wanting another person to please Allah in every aspect of their life and find their ultimate end in Jennah al Firdaus. I even wrote that it isn't love to leave someone to do haram, but it is love to correct and advise in any way possible to bring them to obedience in the Eyes of their Creator. I believe this is the real love, something that has real value. I can no longer view those who spend time together in friendship or a relationship, to the detriment of their obedience and ibaadah to Allah, as ones who love each other. They are following and feeding each others' selfish desires. Then I read this:

"Sufyaan ath-Thawri said, “I might meet a brother and as a result, remain heedless (of what I should be doing) for an entire month.” A friend, Sufyaan insisted, should be someone who helps one to improve as a Muslim; otherwise he is not worth keeping as a friend. Sufyaan expressed this sentiment when he sad, “If someone is not with you, then he is against you.” And Yousuf ibn Asbaat reported that he heard Sufyaan ath-Thawri say, “Whenever I spoke contrary to the desires of any man, he, regardless of who he was, would inevitably become furious with me. The people of knowledge and piety have departed.” Sufyaan once advised someone to test the character of the person he wanted to befriend. Sufyaan said, “Choose whoever you want as your companion. But when you have made your choice, make him angry, and then order someone to go and ask him what he thinks about you-without him knowing that you sent that person.” Bakr ibn Muhammad Al-’Aabid related that Sufyaan ath-Thawri once said to him, “Direct me to a man with whom I can keep company.” Sufyaan said, “You are searching for something that cannot be found.” Khalf ibn Ismaa’eel Al-Barzaanee reported that he heard Sufyaan ath-Thawri said, “Acquaint yourself with fewer people, and as a result, you will backbite less (frequently).” And Sufyaan ibn ‘Uyainah said, “I once saw ath-Thawri in my sleep and I said to him, ‘Advise me,’ and he responded, ‘Acquaint yourself with fewer people.”

So, what I have found is that those I love will accept my advice, knowing that I want what is best for them and that it is given out of love. When one truly seeks out those people of humbleness and piety, then friendship and love is possible. It inevitably does result in having deep relationships with fewer people. However, those relationships will, inshaa'Allah, be pleasing to Allah and you will form a wall of believers...bricks to each other and ever growing in strength.

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Stinking Thinking

BismIllah wa as salaamu alaykum.

Ever wonder how I manage to always come across with positive things and encouragements to turn to Allah? Ever think to yourself, "That sister just can't be real! She's always blogging positive stuff..." ?

Well, of course I have negative thoughts. Of course I am plagued by shaytaan and his rotten whispers. Of course I make a truckload of mistakes that send me into desperate, tearful pleas of forgiveness to Allah. Why aren't you reading about them? Because all that is stinking thinking. The thinking shaytaan just loves us to have and works at cultivating in our minds 24 hours a day.

Most certainly I have some unpublished posts that focused on the negative. That's why they are unpublished. Hey, I'm not giving shaytaan a billboard on my blog page! I'm not taking the chance of pulling other people into stinking thinking as well. The second I start sharing my stinking thinking with others, I'm spreading shaytaan's work and giving him pleasure. So, I don't share it. I write a little, read it and see clear as day that it's all shaytaan's devilish work, and then I don't publish it. Usually, in not publishing it I manage to send that rotten devil packing. Otherwise, I scream, shout, and kick shaytaan out.

Now, on a couple of occasions I might mention some stinking thinking, but only as an example of what shaytaan whispers and what that thinking should be replaced with. I do that because I know others have the same struggles and thoughts and I hope to give them something good and pleasing to Allah to replace them with. For the most part, however, my policy is to send the stinking thinking right back to the stinker who started it all.