Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Beginning of our Time Division

Bism Illah wa as salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

We have been waiting for everything to be in place so that the wedding parties (one for women and one for men) could take place and hubby and co-wife could move into their apartment and start their life together.

Finally, Sunday night was the start of our new life in polygyny. Well, sort of. It was the wedding party for the women, so hubby was running around getting things bought and delivered for the event. He was very tired, was up most of the night, and had to take us to school at 7:00 a.m. in the morning. Needless to say, he spent his first day with his new bride and, after catching up on some sleep, called in the evening to check on us.
 
The second day, we were all off from school and that spells "opportunity" to me!  I asked hubby, through Skype, if we could take a walk to the mall in the morning. We got the go ahead, so off we went. These are the things that just don't happen when he is home. We don't get to walk places, explore, do things in our own time. The children ran along, happy to expend energy and all of us enjoying the beautiful weather. We had a nice mooch around the mall and I found beautiful cotton sundresses for SAR25, which is about $9 (UK pounds 4.50) and we enjoyed some fresh air and exercise. We came home, had some homemade pizza and french fries for lunch and hubby came over to drop off some fruit and check in on us. A short while later, while all the children were doing their homeschooling, I heard a pitter patter. Rain! We rushed to get dressed and go out in it. It didn't last long though, and we didn't get to walk around in it, Qadr Allah, but seizing the moment was exhilarating in itself . We ate organic garlic and pesto angel hair spaghetti (that hubby doesn't much like) for dinner with a nice salad.

By the third day, today, hubby had to drop us off to school and pick us up. He hung around for a while, playing with the girls. He is having the men's walima party tonight. What am I planning? A dinner of Yorkshire pudding, roast potatoes, vegetables, and stuffing...with gravy! If you're wondering if I forgot the meat, I didn't. I don't eat it, so I'm making a dinner that wouldn't work well with hubby but works well for us.


So here I am, the third day after hubby finally moved into his new home with his new wife. This is, supposedly, a very difficult time. Sisters think that these nights without him, knowing he is with another woman, must be very hard or, at least, something to "get through." Really though, they were just the same as any other night. I was happy to get to bed, happy to wake up, happy to fast on Monday, happy to go to school, happy to eat dinner, and happy to communicate with my friends and family. In fact, nothing happened to me to make me unhappy, with the exception of some of the frustrating and testing aspects of parenting, especially step-parenting. However, that has nothing to do with the time division, so it doesn't count.

I feel ecstatic about rediscovering our own stride with this time division. We can start walking again, we can have the spontaneity that isn't usual when hubby is home, and we can enjoy things that we particularly like. We also have the benefits of the activities and things that we do especially with him. Tomorrow, he will drop us off at Masjid An-Nabawi so we can make ziyaarah (visit the Prophet's grave and give salaams to him (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam), Abu Bakr and Omar (radhi Allahu anhumaa) and pray in the Rowda, inshaa'Allah. After dhuhr prayer, he's taking us to the park, and on Friday we all go to the jumu'ah prayer and have lunch together. We can enjoy freedom with him and freedom from him.


So, what is the point? My world isn't any worse. My world isn't the same. Everything in my world is fine, happy, and actually better, wa al hamdu l'Illah!

26 comments:

  1. AlhumduLillah! Masha Allah I wish your family all the best Insha Allah!

    I would like to ask you though, whether your feelings towards your husband changed initially when polygeny became an issue? Did you have to detach yourself emotionally from him somewhat in order to have such a pragmatic, balanced view of things? Insha Allah I think I would be able to accept it if my husband did take such a decision, but I cannot see how I would still "feel" the same about him.

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  2. @Anonymous, jazaaki Allahu khayran.

    My feelings towards my husband constantly changed the more I got to know him and about him. From his reaction in our first disagreement and the first time he hurt me, emotionally I mean, I did what is natural for all of creation - I detached a part of myself. By the time polygyny was an issue, I was already in a very real place about our relationship. I want to see him be the best Muslim he can be, so he will be the best father and husband he can be. However, I know he is human, and just as he has things that I appreciate and love, he also has things I do not want any part of. I know he can say the same about me. So, I'm not slushy, slurpy head-over-heels in "movie love" with my husband...and when he acts according to his own agenda, I cannot take it personally. I am only answering to Allah for myself. That's enough detachment for me to keep things real.

    Hmmm. Did that answer the question, or did I just babble?

    Anyway, you will not feel the same way about your husband if he takes another wife. It isn't bad though, it is more of a greater appreciation of the good things and less emotional attachment to someone who has the power to hurt you,even if he doesn't mean to.

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  3. Subhan Allah!! So you basically detached emotionally from your husband because he held a power over you. The power to hurt you. The emotional aspect of polgyny is what confuses me. They know it is going to hurt you, affect you and your marriage. But they still do it!! Is their own agenda...a selfish agenda? I am no longer in polygyny...but I fear it!! I am just not sure if I can emotionally detach myself, and see things for how they really are. Maybe I am just overly jealous! They get someone brand new!
    It all boils down to the Qadr of Allah...Alhamdulillah alah kulli haal!! May Allah help us to be satisfied with his Qadr!! Ameen

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  4. Umm Salwaa,
    Now you put what I said into a nutshell, yes I detached emotionally where I needed to and attached emotionally where I needed to. I detached from the idea of him being Mr. Perfect My Everything Ideal Muslim and attached to him being the person Allah chose for me to go through this dunya with and support in our efforts for Jennah. I'm planning to write something about why I'm happy to have a co-wife. I'm not sure if you will be able to relate, because our husbands and situations are different. However, inshaa'Allah, there will be something that you can identify with. Although it seems like they are just pursuing their own desires, often they do it for the good of the marriage and to place on someone else a burden that may be too much or unpleasant for the existing wife. They are trying to follow their personal agenda, but ideally they also want to keep everyone happy.

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  5. Umm Salwaa...Oops! Forgot to say, AMEEN to your dua'!

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  6. Alhumdulillah!
    I really hope this experience is one where you really benefit for yourself personally InshaAllah.

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  7. Salam,

    Wow I give you soo much respect. I never understood how a woman be able to deal with this situuation. Makes a lot of since. Personally I dont think I will be able to do it, but I respect you and other women that do. Your Deen Insha'Allah will be rewarded by Allah (swt)

    Salam,

    Liza

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  8. Salam Walaykum! I'm so happy to hear you're doing well, alhamdulillah. Sometimes marriage can be like a pressure cooker and to have a wifey break is like letting out a bit of steam and saying ahhhhhhh :) subhan Allah! May Allah continue your peaceful feelings and bless your family (and co-family) and increase your Eman, Ameen!

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  9. Salaams, wow, much different experience then when my husband remarried. I guess every situation is different, and perhaps the previous polygamy experiences you had prepared you for this one much better. This is my first, so it is still a daily struggle. Do you like your cowife?

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  10. Salams Mai, sounds like a lot going on right now. It's great you are such good spirits. As I'm reading your post and the comments I'm wondering do you think if a wife isn't emotionally detached from her husband she will have a much harder time adjusting to being in polygyny? I don't know to me that sounds so sad, lol Jaiyana now I'm "Debbie Downer" but seriously like if your in love, and you have a family it doesn't seem fair a woman should have to make yourself feel less love for her husband in order to tolerate polygyny? I don't know, I guess if a woman wanted to stay married that may be the least painful option for her. This is a really hard subject to understand. I try to rationalize and "get it", but when I see or hear of painful situations that's when this whole idea begins to elude me. Allah knows best. I pray for you the best Mai, and I look forward to your response.

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  11. I am not sure if Polygyny is a subject that can be rationalized. I try to remind myself that this is what Allah has ordained, And He as our creator knows what is best for us. The Quran are the words of Allah, and he limited the number of wives to four. Everything in this Dunya is a test from Allah. But the man who chooses Polygyny is up for a real challenge when the newness wears off. He is accountable before Allah. And if he is unjust there is a severe punishment. I am in no way implying this is easy for the woman! But Allah our creator and sustainer is Just.

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  12. Asalamu alikum.. you are wonderful.Masha'Allah. Detachement from the dunya doesn't mean that you shouldn't own anything but that nothing should own you. I think this is how mai handles things. lol.

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  13. May Allah reward you hun. I hope Allah will allow me to see the good in all situations xxx

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  14. @Sweetlikechocolate: Jazaaki Allahu khayran. I'm planning to make the most of it, inshaa'Allah. Allah sent it to me, so there is much good for me to find in it. I pray the same for you and for a beautiful resolution to your difficulties - ameen. <3

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  15. @ Mrs. Khan, Jazaaki Allahu khayran. It is all about accepting gladly whatever Allah sends you. If it isn't good for you, He won't test you with it. I think it is important to know that if something is sent to us, then we can handle because Allah tells us clearly, "Allah does not burden a soul with more than it can bear." (last ayah, Baqara).

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  16. @Umm Hamza...you got that right, "Wifey Breaks" are beautiful things, lol. Barak Allahu feeki wa fee hayaatiki ukhty. Ameen and wa iyaaki to all your dua'!

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  17. @Jaiyana, there is a big difference between your situation and mine. I have children and have been married longer. Also, because we have had a previous, messed up experience, many things are being done more carefully with responsibility and foresight. It is often the case the the first polygyny experience has a whole load of mistakes in it. You just keep on trucking girl, because when you are confident in yourself, have a life and interests going on, and everything is happy in your own space with your own marriage, then what is there to make you unhappy. Your world is good.

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  18. @ Duchess, Jazaaki Allahu khayran and inshaa'Allah you will get to that beautiful place too, where you take benefit from all Allah sends you with a happy heart - ameen! <3

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  19. @Sarah bint Muhammad: wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

    You are a smart cookie, mashaa'Allah! You understand exactly where I am.

    I'm living in this dunya with the goal of the aakhirah. I sniff the flowers along the way and enjoy all of Allah's blessings on the journey, but I don't give these dunya-related issues overdue weight or importance in my heart or mind, because they aren't the goal, they are just obstacles on the course. I relate everything to my Jennah quest, lol, and see how it can help me get there.

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  20. @Umm Assad: Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

    Hmmm. Where do I start? You do not have to detach yourself emotionally. You can have the "in love" relationship. If your husband does things well, nothing will change that dynamic. What you have in your marriage will not disappear. In fact, it may get better because he has more peace of mind and the chance to express the various sides of himself more freely.

    My detachment is not one where I view my husband as just another body in the house. We are still us, holding hands, laughing together, sharing our thoughts, loving each other. It isn't that I don't love him, it's just that he isn't my "world," my source of happiness, or the one to cause me pain. Allah is my "world" and my source of happiness, and I am the one to cause myself pain. My husband is the person Allah put in my life to strive with and enjoy the good and the bad.

    For you to keep the "movie love," for lack of a better expression, the only thing that you will have to do is accept the fact that he can and does love someone else. It doesn't diminish what you have, but it exists and you will have less time with him. Otherwise, just live as usual and focus on what you have.

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  21. @Jaiyana again...sorry, I forgot to answer your question. I cannot say whether I like my co-wife or not because I haven't met her yet! That should be happening soon, inshaa'Allah, and then I'll be able to answer inshaa'Allah.

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  22. @Umm Salwaa. It's not about what others do to you, it's about how you react. Allah sent it all and it's all to bring us to a better place in relation to Him. Polygyny does just that...it returns us to Allah and strips away the pedestal we sometimes put our husbands on.

    Don't question the nature of creation, just take whatever comes and own it. Accept it as especially yours, from ALLAH not your husband, sent as a blessing. Find the good in it, seek the blessings in it, and learn and grow from it. If it increases you in imaan, taqwa, and tawakkal, then you've gained greatly in your Jennah account.

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  23. you exactly answered my question, shukran! I think your approach is spot on and that ALL married women should be reminded of the Islamic purpose of marriage to eradicate 'movie-in-love' contamination. AlhumduLillah reading your blog has even improved my (monogamous) marriage insha Allah in terms of focusing on Allah, not taking things so personally and letting my husband be his own person.
    Also remember that even the husband of the Queen of Jannah (Fatima RA)indicated a desire to marry someone else - therefore there is no reason for first wive's to feel inadequate - men have their own reasons for doing things. One of the religious scholars here, regularly says that the reward for a woman who accepts her husband's remarriage is that of a martyr, but I'm still trying to get the source (whether it is Hadith or how he draws that conclusion).

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  24. Even though YOU haven't even met her yet, I feel an affection for your co-wife Zainab, in that your attitude insha Allah has allowed her the benefits of married life. May you be rewarded Insha Allah!

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  25. Mashaa'Allah, Anonymous...you really made me smile! I love to benefit and find kindred spirits!

    Did you read my post, "I'm tired of all these stories about love?" It was exactly about what I feel should be the correct foundation of love. If that kind of real love exists, everything else takes on a completely different perspective.

    As for Zainab, I'm writing a post about her, sight unseen...because I appreciate her already. It is hard to believe I will not like her, but even if something doesn't work well between us, I appreciate her being my husband's wife. Jazaaki Allahu khayran and ameen to your dua'.

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  26. Your last comment to me was spot on. And it was exactly what I lacked when I was in Polygyny. I felt it as HIM that was doing it to me. I did not look for the good in it, or blessing in it. This is why it tore me apart! When I should have used it as an opportunity to grow. Alhamdulillah, that Allah allowed me to find your blog, and that you take the time to respond to comments.

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