Monday, August 16, 2010

For the Sisters who Struggle to Hold their Tongues

As salaamu alaikum wa Rahma Allah wa Barakatuh.

I posted this as an answer for a sister, but thought it might benefit as an individual discussion topic for all sisters who have problems holding their tongues with their husbands and communicating positively.

Although there are many books you may read on how to deal well with your husband, there is something so very simple that in sha Allah, if followed, will save you from putting your foot in it whenever you open your mouth.

I made up a 1,2,3 rule for someone who has a similar problem. I tell them that before they respond to anything, count to 3 and run through their minds these three things:

1) The responsibility of the Muslim regarding what he says:
"Not a word does he utter but there is a watcher by him ready to record it"
[Surah Qaf (50): ayat 18]

2) and the hadith:
"Let whosoever believes in Allah and in the Last Day either speak good or be silent... "
[Al-Bukhari & Muslim]

3) Then consider how you would like to be spoken to and emulate that.

Then, if you are calm, respond. That time (3 little seconds, subhaan Allah!) often saves us from saying something we would regret. I STRONGLY suggest that you keep this little 1,2, 3 reminder on an index card or something... even post it on the fridge and other visible places. This not only acts as a reminder to you, but it shows your husband that you are seriously trying to improve and correct yourself. It will also serve to remind your husband that he needs to be kind and gentle in his speech as well, even if he finds situations frustrating at times.

May Allah make smooth the path to His pleasure in our marriages - ameen. May we blossom with Allah's Guidance and the guidance of our husbands - ameen. May our struggle for improvement be greatly rewarded and be met with success - ameen.


  1. Assalam aleikum,

    Jazakallah Khayran for this advice sister.. very good reminder. However, I mostly manage to hold my tongue when being in a situation where I am anger at someone (not my husband, dont have one either.. :( ) .. but it's the time when i get home which is hard .. where I remember all I could have said to the person which would make them feel as hurt as I am .. it really seems as if NOT letting out your anger , holding your tongue , is making you can't stop thinking about it anymore and eating you up inside.. Astaghfirullah

  2. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh E_lena.

    Al hamdu l'Illah that you are managing to hold your tongue. It's better to beat shaytaan with the big thing and then struggle with him afterwards, than give in to his whispers and end up with something bad on your account.

    Never forget, a Muslim should be safe from another Muslim's tongue and hand. You give excellent da'wah by showing the control and manners that our Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, did mashaa'Allah. Afterwards, shaytaan wants to get you in some other way so he whispers so you think negatively. Don't let him ruin your rewards. Don't let him lower your standards.

    “I guarantee a house in Jannah (Paradise) for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a house in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannah for one who has good manners”

    [Prophet Muhammad salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam - reported by Imam Abu Dawud]